Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Vania.” English is not her first language.
I think my ex is a narc but I’m still not sure. So I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for just 3 months. But it means a lot to me because I’m someone who’s super not easy to open up with people, so once I did and once I fall, I will fall so hard. And I also think I am an empath.
I’m a shy girl and this guy is the very opposite of me. He’s so confident and unique, to be honest we are so different in many ways, but I think that’s the thing that made us attracted to each other. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before because I’m hardly fall in love. Last time I’ve been in a relationship is when I was in high school. It’s a deep and meaningful relationship, and I found it so hard to move on and after I moved on I’ve decided to not date anyone because I go really deep, once I love someone and it makes me so hard to focus on myself.
So me and this guy, we just click and he asked me to be his gf so quickly (he told me that there’s no reason to wait more longer because he is so sure with me, and he said if I’m not sure with him I should just tell him immediately so he will just move on because he don’t want to be hurt again. He seems so trustworthy with his sweet and nice talk), he asked me to have sex when I told him I never had sex before and he doesn’t believe it. I think he kinda has a high sex drive. He told me about his dark past and family, he said that his dad left since he was in JHS and remarried, and after several years disappeared, his dad came back with no guilt.
He said he hates his dad but he loves his mom. His mom is sick and diagnosed have a cancer. His mom lives in another city. But I always wonder why he rarely calls his mom, when he said he loves his mom and care a lot about her. It’s not normal for me, because his mom is diagnosed have a cancer. I understand that he hates his big family because he said that his big family always make him down and judge him.
He even make a song about it, the song called “blue” and the lyrics is so sad. The first thing that makes me interested in him is hearing this song and the lyrics through soundcloud. It seems that I can feel his pain and I just want to fix it.
He told me about his exes (most of them are cheating and want a breakup bcs he’s too possessive), he said that I’m different than any other girl, I’m so kindhearted, good listener, caring, and he trusts me, he feels like I can make him a better person, and he also said that he likes being needed and trusted, once someone trusts him, he will become super trustworthy. He said he’s such a melancholic guy.
In 3 months we passed so many times together, almost every day and strange things happened. Sometimes he forgot what he said before and said another opposite things after, he seems super competitive about little things (such as playing game), he also said “what’s the point of having you as my gf if you can’t be with me all the time.”
He is temperamental which make me scared, because this is the first time I have an intimate relationship with someone and every time I told him that I feel uncomfortable with his behavior he will say that he wouldn’t do such things if I don’t do or say stupid things. He got panic attack and super angry if I didn’t reply his text even just for 15 min. And he often accused me cheating and lying (I thought it’s because he got trauma of being cheated). I thought all bad things that he has done to me are caused by his past relationship and he used to be hurt so much by his exes.
I knew that something is not right with this person but I thought that he just needed affection and love. My love for him is unconditional; I want him to be genuinely happy. I don’t know this is normal or not, but every time he told me about his dark pasts and about his weird behaviour, I feel extremely sad. I feel drained because I care about him a lot.
But in 3 months my intuition told me that he is not in love with me; he just wants me because he can’t stand being alone, he wants me because I can feed his egos. I’m still really confused at that time because I care about him a lot, but I can’t stand the blame shifting he did. It seems like I can go crazy bcs I always feel guilty even deep inside I know I didn’t do anything wrong.
My heart is so fragile that in 3 months I cry a lot because he always make me feel guilty and I’m not an assertive person, and sometimes I’m scared to speak up about my feeling bcs he will do the blame shifting and get mad. It’s true that he gave me affection, but idk why I feel like it’s not a real affection.
And when I ask him to breakup he was mad and said that he was hurt, he blames me and he said I’m cruel. I’m cruel because I knew he need help but I decided to leave him. And then I feel super guilty and want him back, I feel so desperate waiting some news from him because he disappeared for a week. Until finally he appeared in my apartment and we talk.
We have a nice talk, and he seems super okay. I missed him but knowing he is ok and maybe I’m better without him, so I’ve decided to just become friends. He still contact me sometimes and said that he miss me and we sleep together. He makes me think and feel that he still love me. And when I asked him about our weird relationship, he said that he’s busy, he has a double job and want to focus search for money. He said that he has a hard moment at the moment bcs family problem.
But after 3 months, I’ve found the truth that he’s been dating another girl just 2 weeks after we broke up and they live together in nice apartment. But he still hook up with me. (I wouldn’t want to hook up with him if I know that he already has new gf.) And he doesn’t have a double job but he help his gf to manage a cafe.
He also ever said to me once that he can’t lie. It’s his nature to impulsively tell the truth (stupid me that I trusted him). It’s like me being slapped in the face so hard. And when I point it out, get mad and cry about all the lies he did, he doesn’t feel guilty at all, he even still try to blame me.
I don’t know what happened, because after we broke up I still have an image of him as a nice cold hearted man who desperately needs affection and genuine love. I still didn’t believe that he can cheat from his new gf with me (after he told me that he’s hurt by his exes), and he can lie about so many things to me while I genuinely care about him and trying my best to make him happy.
Even after we broke up I told him that I love him and I care a lot about him and of course he can still talk to me about his problem. I told him I choose to break up because it seems like our relationship leads to a toxic one. But if he still want to make this relationship work out, we can still discuss about it. But then he disappear and date another girl, makes me feel guilty, but he still wants to hook up with me.
I wonder if he’s a narc? Or is he trying to make revenge because he’s hurt? Is he really hurt or it’s just his ego being hurt? Or he is simply just an a**hole?
These thoughts desperately make me sick. He makes me feel guilty until now. And I don’t know whether I feel guilty because that’s really my fault to break up with him because it’s a cruel thing, or I feel guilty because he makes me think that way. And I’m also pretty sure that he lie to his friends about me, I think he talk sh*ts behind my back because many of his friends added my line ID just after we broke up.
And fyi, he doesn’t have a job. He even doesn’t finish his bachelor. (While somewhere in my empathic heart still want to believe that maybe it’s because his dark past … maybe if he found someone who can give him love he can change and be motivated).
He’s not responsible with money. He doesn’t have a job and money but still not learn to use money wisely, and this is so strange. He borrow my money several times and ask my bank acc number when we broke up because he told me that he will repay my money soon, and he never did.
Somewhere inside my heart I still believe that he is a nice guy who born and raised in wrong circumstances. I still remember sometimes he told me about his weird behaviour, and he wonders about it too. He said that he doesn’t have any idea why he act that way, he doesn’t have any idea why many people hate him.
He even go to the bookstore with me and buy a motivational book about positive thinking (this is his desire not mine). He also try to be grateful because I asked him to and he really did it. He questioned his own behaviour. He has a bad image about himself, I remember I once make a little comic about me and him, and he asked me to just color him in black. And that makes me really sad. Like I really want to make him see the beauty and the good inside himself.
Is this also one of manipulating tactic? It is possible that he still can be cured? I think that he doesn’t know what happened to him too. He is 24 years old.
Can you tell me please tell me is he a narc/sociopath? Or it is just me who is too sensitive? I miss him and after what happened, sometimes I still feel guilty and feel like I’m not fight for him enough that’s why it’s so easy for him to date another girl. He said that I don’t see that he is trying hard when we are still together.
Or it’s just him being such an a**hole? Please I need help because I don’t have many experiences in relationship and this thoughts kill me everyday and make my emotion unstable. I even feel like I can’t be alone, and become super paranoid about things, and I feel like I’ve failed to fix him while he’s depending so much on me before. Once people told me about their stories, their dark pasts, and broken home I can’t help but feel super empathetic, and that makes me so hard to move on from someone who already told me their stories.
Thank you for letting me express my feeling and confusion.
Donna Andersen responds
The guy is a sociopath. Everything you have described is typical sociopathic behavior. He is exploiting you. You should dump him, and not feel guilty ever again. You cannot help him.