It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait.
Here they are:
1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you?
2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)?
Ultimately, it comes down to these separate, yet related, questions.
If the answer to either of them proves no, or probably not, then it’s boogie on out of the relationship time. If the answer to both questions proves yes, or probably yes (and it must be “yes!” to both questions!), then you have a basis to hope for improvement in the quality of the relationship.
But wait a second! I hear the shrieks! “How do you evaluate how genuine someone is, especially a manipulative personality?”
Well, the truth is, it’s difficult to assess how “genuine” someone is, on any level, no less a really good manipulator. But you must still make this assessment in an ongoing fashion, and you must make it without certainty of its accuracy.
Now, we always need to be clear about this: Sometimes, when you are dealing with a sociopath tremendously skilled at dissimulation (as a great many sociopaths are), it may be impossible to bust him before he’s had the chance to wreak terrible, longstanding and long-lasting levels of destruction. God knows this is too often the case. Of course, Donna Anderson in her upcoming book will arm her readers with incredible tools to do precisely this—bust these harder-to-bust sociopathic types.
But in many cases, more than one thinks, partners can be flushed-out for lacking true recognition of their disrespectful behaviors and the true motivation to modify them.
Of course I can’t stress sufficiently that it’s not enough to flush these individuals out: once flushed out, you need to be willing to overcome defenses like denial and pathological hope to heed the red flags you’ve identified. (I’m going to write about what I call pathological hope in my next article. I see it as a defense mechanism that can be almost as self-destructive as the sociopath can be destructive.)
So what are we really looking for here? What do we really need to see? Yes, we are looking for recognition, but most of all we are looking for change. Recognition without change is ultimately useless, a big tease.
And we are looking not for signs of small, itty bitty changes, but real, durable, meaningful, yes big changes. If the changes are too subtle, too slow in coming, too contingent on things like his “moods,” or the alignment of the stars, or if they’re subject to “relapses” of any sort (and especially rationalized relapses), then”¦bzzzzzz”¦.it’s time to send him back to the dugout, permanently, to sit his a** on the bench with his fellow underperformers.
Why do I emphasize big changes and downplay small, subtle changes?
Because we are talking about a big problem, and big problems, on which the quality, integrity and perhaps even safety of your life literally depend, demand big changes. The evidence of the commitment to these changes needs to be absolutely unmistakable; but again I repeat: the key thing is less the evidence of such recognition than the evidence of the changes!
Let me give a small, somewhat tangential but, at least, one specific example of what I’m saying. Let’s say you’ve been feeling disrespected by your partner and for you this is a very serious problem. You’ve been feeling variously misunderstood, blown off, violated, neglected, abused, mistrustful; feeling, let’s say, relegated to a hurtfully low priority in your partner’s world.
In a word, you aren’t feeling respected, and this has become, for you, a serious problem that you share with him. You request that he join you for couples counseling to address your, and perhaps his, concerns?
His answer is “no.”
Well, the answer, “No,” to your request for his participation in couples therapy, is a “You just struck out, pal” answer. That’s a damning, indictable answer. “No” is a virtual affirmation of what you’ve shared with him you’ve been experiencing—his disregard of you and the relationship.
“No” is an utterly lame answer, especially if you’ve requested his participation in couples counseling in a non-belligerent, sincere, and utterly serious fashion.
“No” is tantamount to declaring officially, “I am uninvested in this relationship.”
It may come in countless forms, among them:
“You’re unhappy, that’s your problem.”
“Go get help yourself.”
“I don’t need help. You’re the one with the complaints.”
“Nothing makes you happy. You are insatiable.”
“It’s pointless”¦seriously, get your own sh*t together first and then let’s talk.”
These, and countless similar responses, which blame you and exculpate him, while simultaneously affirming his perspective of the relationship not as a unity or partnership but more as a “sole proprietorship—¦these kinds of responses tell you all you need to know.
But now let’s say he says “yes,” and joins you in couples therapy. That’s nice. If he’s a sociopath, as I’ve written previously, you will hope the therapist will be shrewd enough to know that he, the therapist, is dealing with a sociopath. Because sociopaths do not belong in couples therapy. But for purposes of this argument, let’s imagine he’s not a full-blown sociopath.
In any case, as I’ve been suggesting, it is the evidence, ultimately, that will tell the tale.
He will either change meaningfully and permanently, and begin making these changes in earnest, very soon; or, he won’t.
He may or may not talk the talk effectively, persuasively. But if he doesn’t walk the walk and maintain the walk, you will have gotten your answer.
Walking the walk doesn’t mean it’s necessarily onesided; you too may have changes to make on your end. Nobody’s perfect, and even if you’re involved with a salvageable jerk (the best case scenario and hope), that doesn’t mean you too don’t have room to make some changes.
But let’s not kid ourselves, or let him kid us. If he isn’t motivated to leave you feeling more fulfilled, loved, respected and less neglected; if there isn’t evidence of his sincere desire to do this, and evidence of his willingness to work hard at doing this, and finally, evidence of his success at doing this, well then again”¦.we have our answers.
And let me repeat this point: the changes need to be sustained. Transitory changes made from desperation are more likely to revert as complacency creeps backs in. The regression, as complacency reenters the picture, will tell you something very important, namely that the changes weren’t made from a deep, or deeply honest enough, place.
The interesting thing, here, isn’t that any of this is a news flash or rocket science, because to the contrary I’m aware how almost insultingly obvious it is. The really key thing to beware of is the pervasiveness with which we’re inclined to put, or keep, the emotional blinders on in such a fashion that we either fail to proactively seek this evidence of a parnter’s commitment to change or else, seeking and discovering the partner’s lack of commitment, we find ways to minimize and ignore the urgency of the evidence’s meaning and message!
I will write about pathological hope as a defense mechanism next week.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
pk – there is a very good book that will help you to understand your bond to him and to extricate yourself from it: The Betrayal Bond.
welcome pk – if you clicked on sociopath and box’s started ticking then you have been shown the light – you can use him ( he would love that ) but you will not win – but only go deeper into the abyss of unhealthy attachment..run like your ass is on fire cause it is. best wishes.
PK,
People like that get their thrills from duping others.
It gives them a sense of power to lie and be believed. When he is being sweet and loving, that’s the biggest lie of all because that’s not how he feels. It’s an act and an illusion which he presents just to manipulate you into allowing him back into your life so he can continue to toy with you.
Cut him out of your life and start working towards healing from being in the presence of evil.
shalomy – the light bulb kept blinking but when I went to replace it, it would stop blinking, so I thot it was ok for awhile then it would grow dim and blink again, I would jiggle it and it would burn bright for a while then dim and blinking again – it kept fixing itself to burn bright when I was ready to throw it out – I got tired of waiting on it to shine bright so I threw it out and now my light shines bright – I bet that old bulb is still blinkin somewhere out there. lol 2 shay
Hens,
GREAT ANALOGY with the light bulb that “blinks” intermittently. That is like a car that runs well sometimes, but other times leaves you stranded on the road and you decide to junk it, but then it runs great for a while….rinse and repeat! Oh, well…if it is NOT DEPENDABLE then I don’t want it. That’s kind of like “he’s a great guy when he isn’t robbing banks.” LOL or Saying about Ted Bundy, “he’s a great friend when he is not raping and killing girls” LOL Ann Rule would have thought he was a great friend and I think did for a long time even after he had been arrested a time or two.
We need to HEED those red flags, not just notice them, but to take ACTION IMMEDIATELY. Not keep hoping it will shine brightly! Steve talked about “pathological hope” for his next article. I have called it “malignant hope” (denial) for a long time, and I think anytime we hang on to UNREALISTIC HOPE we are just in denial and it WILL bite us in the arse deeper and deeper than if we took ACTION SOONER.
Dear skylar, hens ,Ox Drover and One joy, thank you so much for your helpful advice. I will get that book and I hope it explains my unhealthy attachment. My head tells me to go but my heart wants to believe he is genuine- don’t laugh – but when I think of how intense our relationship was and all the things he’s said and done for me- the heart in me wants to believe he meant it. His stories are plausible- would you tell this other woman? Does she not deserve to know what she is involved with- a lying duplicitous s***. I suppose i am also very competitive and feel i have lost here. Am I clinging to malignant hope?? Can these people be cured or change??
PS – What does ROTFLMAO mean?? Sorry 50 something and English!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. I thought I was going mad until read that other people have been through exactly the same experiences as me. I was pretty low after my divorce but he targeted me straight away telling me how lovely I was and building my self-esteem up (or so he said). Upshot being I’ve spent 10 years being ‘the other woman’ in a relationship, which is totally against my upbringing and character but i’ve not been able to break free. Everytime I’ve tried (5 years now) I’ve been reeled back in with more promises, resulting eventually in him leaving his wife for me last year, but only after I had started seeing someone else. We booked a holiday but at the airport he drove past the car park and dumped me and my children on the pavement with our suitcases proclaiming that he couldn’t go with us! I spent most of the holiday devastated that he could do that to us. He picked us up from the airport and carried on as if nothing had happened! Found out later that he’d taken his wife away instead. He then became Mr Wonderful again, although my friends saw him several times with other women. He denied everything saying my friends (and my daughter) were liars. He spent Christmas and New Year with me and was back to the charming man again. Then on the 5th Jan, 9pm, told me he was going on a 10 day cruise to New York with his wife the next day! I phoned her and she confirmed the cruise but it was a 4 month round the world cruise. He then kept phoning giving one excuse after another for not being able to leave the cruise. I have a postcard from every port saying he loved me and had made a mistake! Came back in April expecting to move straight back in with me! Constantly phoning, texting, emailing, stalking. Even had his hands round my throat at one point and put me up against my car because I wouldn’t take him back. I thought I was going to die that night. I have to take his calls otherwise he comes around to demand why I haven’t answered. I can’t go out with friends because I get called all sorts of names and it’s just not worth the stress, so I seem to be stuck in this nightmare. Reading all your posts I realise that it’s not me that has the problem, as he keeps saying. To everyone else he is the charming person he professes to be in public. I am going to have to bite the bullet and cut him off completely aren’t I? But I am frightened. But the bit I hate most is that a small part of me still loves the man that I thought he was. Is that normal?
pk. What you are saying is exactly how I feel. My head tells me one thing, but my heart still wants to believe that no-one could be that evil. I have tried just using him, but it makes you feel more and more worthless as time goes on, and you will never win. Your life will never be your own as he will always have a say. I know all this, but still I can’t break free at the moment. Will try to get hold of the book Betrayal Bond for my own sanity.
Yes, Confused… it is very normal that you still feel love for this man. We bond to these people on 2 levels:
– hormonally when they lovebomb us
– and through trauma
The lovebomb bond: when they lovebomb us and have frequent sex with us, oxytocine gets released into our body and brains. Oxytocine is the bonding hormone that gets released for example when a mother delivers her baby and suckles him. This is nature’s way to facilate the creation of a bond for the mother towards her child. Sex also does this for women, which is why it’s very difficult for women to not experience sex as lovemaking. A spath ensures that our brains are on a constant oxytocine rush with their lovebombing. By the time their mask starts to slip and even when you see more of the Mr. Hyde than you ever see Dr. Jeckill, our brains are already so conditioned to the oxytocine that a little gets us a long way. So, you can consider yourself to be literally addicted to the man.
The trauma bond: you’ve probably heard of how kidnapped people are defensive about their kidnappers, how they are bonded with them. This is because the kidnapped person depends on their kidnapper for survival. If they are nice, kind and understanding to them, they hope to facilitate their kidnapper to be kind to them. If a kidnapper shows violent or distrustful behaviour as well as kind behaviour, the trauma bond will augment. Without the danger of the kidnapper becoming violent and dangerous to their safety, the kidnapped person would have less of a motive to appease them. A spath shows kindness as well as hostile behaviour to you. You’ve tried to use your empathy in order to predict and gain control over the outcome of his behaviour and in that way bonded to him.
The only cure to the addiction is to go cold turkey and have no contact. The only way that you can gain a healthy perspective again on your situation, and start to break off the betrayal bond is by leaving the spath and getting to an environment where they cannot create chaos and insecurity anymore