It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait.
Here they are:
1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you?
2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)?
Ultimately, it comes down to these separate, yet related, questions.
If the answer to either of them proves no, or probably not, then it’s boogie on out of the relationship time. If the answer to both questions proves yes, or probably yes (and it must be “yes!” to both questions!), then you have a basis to hope for improvement in the quality of the relationship.
But wait a second! I hear the shrieks! “How do you evaluate how genuine someone is, especially a manipulative personality?”
Well, the truth is, it’s difficult to assess how “genuine” someone is, on any level, no less a really good manipulator. But you must still make this assessment in an ongoing fashion, and you must make it without certainty of its accuracy.
Now, we always need to be clear about this: Sometimes, when you are dealing with a sociopath tremendously skilled at dissimulation (as a great many sociopaths are), it may be impossible to bust him before he’s had the chance to wreak terrible, longstanding and long-lasting levels of destruction. God knows this is too often the case. Of course, Donna Anderson in her upcoming book will arm her readers with incredible tools to do precisely this—bust these harder-to-bust sociopathic types.
But in many cases, more than one thinks, partners can be flushed-out for lacking true recognition of their disrespectful behaviors and the true motivation to modify them.
Of course I can’t stress sufficiently that it’s not enough to flush these individuals out: once flushed out, you need to be willing to overcome defenses like denial and pathological hope to heed the red flags you’ve identified. (I’m going to write about what I call pathological hope in my next article. I see it as a defense mechanism that can be almost as self-destructive as the sociopath can be destructive.)
So what are we really looking for here? What do we really need to see? Yes, we are looking for recognition, but most of all we are looking for change. Recognition without change is ultimately useless, a big tease.
And we are looking not for signs of small, itty bitty changes, but real, durable, meaningful, yes big changes. If the changes are too subtle, too slow in coming, too contingent on things like his “moods,” or the alignment of the stars, or if they’re subject to “relapses” of any sort (and especially rationalized relapses), then”¦bzzzzzz”¦.it’s time to send him back to the dugout, permanently, to sit his a** on the bench with his fellow underperformers.
Why do I emphasize big changes and downplay small, subtle changes?
Because we are talking about a big problem, and big problems, on which the quality, integrity and perhaps even safety of your life literally depend, demand big changes. The evidence of the commitment to these changes needs to be absolutely unmistakable; but again I repeat: the key thing is less the evidence of such recognition than the evidence of the changes!
Let me give a small, somewhat tangential but, at least, one specific example of what I’m saying. Let’s say you’ve been feeling disrespected by your partner and for you this is a very serious problem. You’ve been feeling variously misunderstood, blown off, violated, neglected, abused, mistrustful; feeling, let’s say, relegated to a hurtfully low priority in your partner’s world.
In a word, you aren’t feeling respected, and this has become, for you, a serious problem that you share with him. You request that he join you for couples counseling to address your, and perhaps his, concerns?
His answer is “no.”
Well, the answer, “No,” to your request for his participation in couples therapy, is a “You just struck out, pal” answer. That’s a damning, indictable answer. “No” is a virtual affirmation of what you’ve shared with him you’ve been experiencing—his disregard of you and the relationship.
“No” is an utterly lame answer, especially if you’ve requested his participation in couples counseling in a non-belligerent, sincere, and utterly serious fashion.
“No” is tantamount to declaring officially, “I am uninvested in this relationship.”
It may come in countless forms, among them:
“You’re unhappy, that’s your problem.”
“Go get help yourself.”
“I don’t need help. You’re the one with the complaints.”
“Nothing makes you happy. You are insatiable.”
“It’s pointless”¦seriously, get your own sh*t together first and then let’s talk.”
These, and countless similar responses, which blame you and exculpate him, while simultaneously affirming his perspective of the relationship not as a unity or partnership but more as a “sole proprietorship—¦these kinds of responses tell you all you need to know.
But now let’s say he says “yes,” and joins you in couples therapy. That’s nice. If he’s a sociopath, as I’ve written previously, you will hope the therapist will be shrewd enough to know that he, the therapist, is dealing with a sociopath. Because sociopaths do not belong in couples therapy. But for purposes of this argument, let’s imagine he’s not a full-blown sociopath.
In any case, as I’ve been suggesting, it is the evidence, ultimately, that will tell the tale.
He will either change meaningfully and permanently, and begin making these changes in earnest, very soon; or, he won’t.
He may or may not talk the talk effectively, persuasively. But if he doesn’t walk the walk and maintain the walk, you will have gotten your answer.
Walking the walk doesn’t mean it’s necessarily onesided; you too may have changes to make on your end. Nobody’s perfect, and even if you’re involved with a salvageable jerk (the best case scenario and hope), that doesn’t mean you too don’t have room to make some changes.
But let’s not kid ourselves, or let him kid us. If he isn’t motivated to leave you feeling more fulfilled, loved, respected and less neglected; if there isn’t evidence of his sincere desire to do this, and evidence of his willingness to work hard at doing this, and finally, evidence of his success at doing this, well then again”¦.we have our answers.
And let me repeat this point: the changes need to be sustained. Transitory changes made from desperation are more likely to revert as complacency creeps backs in. The regression, as complacency reenters the picture, will tell you something very important, namely that the changes weren’t made from a deep, or deeply honest enough, place.
The interesting thing, here, isn’t that any of this is a news flash or rocket science, because to the contrary I’m aware how almost insultingly obvious it is. The really key thing to beware of is the pervasiveness with which we’re inclined to put, or keep, the emotional blinders on in such a fashion that we either fail to proactively seek this evidence of a parnter’s commitment to change or else, seeking and discovering the partner’s lack of commitment, we find ways to minimize and ignore the urgency of the evidence’s meaning and message!
I will write about pathological hope as a defense mechanism next week.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Hi One Joy!
Nice to see you tonight. Hope all is well with you.
Hi Ana – things are up and down. I realized something important the other night, and now i am trying to figure out how to change it.
i see the changes (not just the PTSD and rage issues) wrought in me by the last 2 years and i want out. i don’t want to live like this. but how to change it? not sure yet, but i will begin to ask the question. I see the outline of the problems so much more clearly now.
and how about you? 🙂
OneJoy,
it’s nice to hear that things are starting to crystalize for you.
First and foremost take care of your health. Especially those adrenal glands. After that, jump in to life with both feet. Just make sure that you have both eyes open. We can only learn so much vicariously and theoretically. The rest HAS to be done “in the field”. This is partly because of the law of the observer (I’m using that term loosley here). When we participate in relationships we learn so much more about ourselves than we could ever learn by reading.
What I’m learning to observe is not just the people I’m dealing with, but also my own reaction. I’m trying to teach myself not to take other peoples’ behavior personally. I’m not responsible for their behavior, just my own. Therefore I don’t have to react with any emotion to them. I give what I want to give and expect nothing in return. But at the same time, I try to focus on gratitude for what is given back.
It’s still hard because I’m still grieving for my losses. (of what I believed I had) Moving forward means gaining strength and a thicker skin.
Thank you for your comments. He’s now offering to buy a house together (as long as I sell mine first) and put it in my name. Having read all the stories on this site I know that will never happen and I’ll probably lose my home. I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your stories. He is so plausible when he talks but I know what to look for now. Will break contact completely, although this has failed at least 100 times before. It’s so hard when he tells me I’m the only one for him and that I’ll never find anyone to love me because of all my problems. Have to be stronger this time. I would rather be on my own than put up with this any longer. Good luck to everyone else in the same position.
Confused, do not sell your house and even then do not allow any real estate to be put in your name. This happened to me. You will become his bank. He will constantly pester you for loans and pressure you to do thinks you do not want to do because he has done this and you will feel obliged to comply as money has been put in your name. Evan to the extent of pressure to give loans as a child in his extended family needs medical treatment. If you stop complying then he will put caveats on the property and you will be trappped. Keep your independence and start running.
Confused,
when he sees that you are backing away, he will start to make moves toward fulfulling his promises. Suddenly, he’ll be more attentive, he will tell you the divorce is going through, etc… These will all be just to keep you on the hook. It’s a game to them. Nothing more.
Confused, before you followed “your heart” thinking you had those feelings because he might be the one. Now you know that a large chunk of your feelings come from a total different place and different reasons. If he was the one, he would not be treating you this way, nor feeling all the bad stuff and hurt and worry. The feelings will fade over time, and the majority that will remain are the reminders of how bad and stressed out he made you feel. Even hurts will surface of things he did to you that you thought you had forgotten or minimized.
Do not sell your house. Do not give up a source of security for you for someone who makes you feel so insecure!
Confused
Yes, it IS hard when they get through to us and tell us that “santa is real!” because it’s not.
I recenly worked with AT&T to block him from calling my house, had Verizon block him from calling my cell, printed a picture for the office manager at work to prevent him from visiting me there, changed my work email address( what a bitch that was), changed my personal email address. Did I miss anything?
We can’t listen to their BS.
If you listen, you want to believe the lies, and he will do more damage to you.
darwinsmom said:’ Confused, before you followed “your heart” thinking you had those feelings because he might be the one. Now you know that a large chunk of your feelings come from a total different place and different reasons. If he was the one, he would not be treating you this way, nor feeling all the bad stuff and hurt and worry. The feelings will fade over time, and the majority that will remain are the reminders of how bad and stressed out he made you feel. Even hurts will surface of things he did to you that you thought you had forgotten or minimized.’
RIGHT ON DARWINSMOM!!!
SPATHS MOTTO:
“I always thought it’d be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody”