It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait.
Here they are:
1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you?
2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)?
Ultimately, it comes down to these separate, yet related, questions.
If the answer to either of them proves no, or probably not, then it’s boogie on out of the relationship time. If the answer to both questions proves yes, or probably yes (and it must be “yes!” to both questions!), then you have a basis to hope for improvement in the quality of the relationship.
But wait a second! I hear the shrieks! “How do you evaluate how genuine someone is, especially a manipulative personality?”
Well, the truth is, it’s difficult to assess how “genuine” someone is, on any level, no less a really good manipulator. But you must still make this assessment in an ongoing fashion, and you must make it without certainty of its accuracy.
Now, we always need to be clear about this: Sometimes, when you are dealing with a sociopath tremendously skilled at dissimulation (as a great many sociopaths are), it may be impossible to bust him before he’s had the chance to wreak terrible, longstanding and long-lasting levels of destruction. God knows this is too often the case. Of course, Donna Anderson in her upcoming book will arm her readers with incredible tools to do precisely this—bust these harder-to-bust sociopathic types.
But in many cases, more than one thinks, partners can be flushed-out for lacking true recognition of their disrespectful behaviors and the true motivation to modify them.
Of course I can’t stress sufficiently that it’s not enough to flush these individuals out: once flushed out, you need to be willing to overcome defenses like denial and pathological hope to heed the red flags you’ve identified. (I’m going to write about what I call pathological hope in my next article. I see it as a defense mechanism that can be almost as self-destructive as the sociopath can be destructive.)
So what are we really looking for here? What do we really need to see? Yes, we are looking for recognition, but most of all we are looking for change. Recognition without change is ultimately useless, a big tease.
And we are looking not for signs of small, itty bitty changes, but real, durable, meaningful, yes big changes. If the changes are too subtle, too slow in coming, too contingent on things like his “moods,” or the alignment of the stars, or if they’re subject to “relapses” of any sort (and especially rationalized relapses), then”¦bzzzzzz”¦.it’s time to send him back to the dugout, permanently, to sit his a** on the bench with his fellow underperformers.
Why do I emphasize big changes and downplay small, subtle changes?
Because we are talking about a big problem, and big problems, on which the quality, integrity and perhaps even safety of your life literally depend, demand big changes. The evidence of the commitment to these changes needs to be absolutely unmistakable; but again I repeat: the key thing is less the evidence of such recognition than the evidence of the changes!
Let me give a small, somewhat tangential but, at least, one specific example of what I’m saying. Let’s say you’ve been feeling disrespected by your partner and for you this is a very serious problem. You’ve been feeling variously misunderstood, blown off, violated, neglected, abused, mistrustful; feeling, let’s say, relegated to a hurtfully low priority in your partner’s world.
In a word, you aren’t feeling respected, and this has become, for you, a serious problem that you share with him. You request that he join you for couples counseling to address your, and perhaps his, concerns?
His answer is “no.”
Well, the answer, “No,” to your request for his participation in couples therapy, is a “You just struck out, pal” answer. That’s a damning, indictable answer. “No” is a virtual affirmation of what you’ve shared with him you’ve been experiencing—his disregard of you and the relationship.
“No” is an utterly lame answer, especially if you’ve requested his participation in couples counseling in a non-belligerent, sincere, and utterly serious fashion.
“No” is tantamount to declaring officially, “I am uninvested in this relationship.”
It may come in countless forms, among them:
“You’re unhappy, that’s your problem.”
“Go get help yourself.”
“I don’t need help. You’re the one with the complaints.”
“Nothing makes you happy. You are insatiable.”
“It’s pointless”¦seriously, get your own sh*t together first and then let’s talk.”
These, and countless similar responses, which blame you and exculpate him, while simultaneously affirming his perspective of the relationship not as a unity or partnership but more as a “sole proprietorship—¦these kinds of responses tell you all you need to know.
But now let’s say he says “yes,” and joins you in couples therapy. That’s nice. If he’s a sociopath, as I’ve written previously, you will hope the therapist will be shrewd enough to know that he, the therapist, is dealing with a sociopath. Because sociopaths do not belong in couples therapy. But for purposes of this argument, let’s imagine he’s not a full-blown sociopath.
In any case, as I’ve been suggesting, it is the evidence, ultimately, that will tell the tale.
He will either change meaningfully and permanently, and begin making these changes in earnest, very soon; or, he won’t.
He may or may not talk the talk effectively, persuasively. But if he doesn’t walk the walk and maintain the walk, you will have gotten your answer.
Walking the walk doesn’t mean it’s necessarily onesided; you too may have changes to make on your end. Nobody’s perfect, and even if you’re involved with a salvageable jerk (the best case scenario and hope), that doesn’t mean you too don’t have room to make some changes.
But let’s not kid ourselves, or let him kid us. If he isn’t motivated to leave you feeling more fulfilled, loved, respected and less neglected; if there isn’t evidence of his sincere desire to do this, and evidence of his willingness to work hard at doing this, and finally, evidence of his success at doing this, well then again”¦.we have our answers.
And let me repeat this point: the changes need to be sustained. Transitory changes made from desperation are more likely to revert as complacency creeps backs in. The regression, as complacency reenters the picture, will tell you something very important, namely that the changes weren’t made from a deep, or deeply honest enough, place.
The interesting thing, here, isn’t that any of this is a news flash or rocket science, because to the contrary I’m aware how almost insultingly obvious it is. The really key thing to beware of is the pervasiveness with which we’re inclined to put, or keep, the emotional blinders on in such a fashion that we either fail to proactively seek this evidence of a parnter’s commitment to change or else, seeking and discovering the partner’s lack of commitment, we find ways to minimize and ignore the urgency of the evidence’s meaning and message!
I will write about pathological hope as a defense mechanism next week.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
sk – TRUER WORDS…
superkid ~
GREAT motto – right on the money
Dear Confused,
No, you are NOT CONFUSED….you see what he is trying to do, to get you to sell your HOME, your SECURITY and let him control the money you get out of it and mix it with HIS MONEY (If he has any) but the bottom line is give HIM CONTROL…..you know it is a scam!
So you are NOT confused at all. You see what he is trying to do.
Now, change the locks, change your phone number or block his calls, change your e mails or block his access…in other words, SHUT OUT HIS LYING WORDS. If you listen to him, you will eventually cave in, but YOU HAVE CONTROL IF YOU WANT IT. You can CONTROL your life, your feelings, and your actions. You do not have to put up with this carp!!!!
TAKE CONTROL of your life! Don’t give it to someone who only wants to destroy you! You CAN DO IT!!!!!! Declare yourself free of emotional slavery! God bless.
Two points of view.
ONE says don’t feed the spaths – which I do agree with, if I am at risk. I’m not at risk of Michael. But maybe you are.
SKY says excellent question – which I do agree with as well. Iwould have liked to have an answer.
Howdy, LF peeps…
I got sucked in again, y’all. The last 6 weeks have not been fun. Since the initial cutoff after my “awakening” was so swift, I guess I needed to see him for who he really is, look at him with informed eyes. Plus, I cut off my spath mother 6 weeks ago, so I guess I was in trauma-bonding withdrawal.
He is ugly. Just plain ugly, in and out. Any “True Blood” watchers out there? The mask Lafayette’s boyfriend takes on? That’s what I see when he starts his games. Evil, chilling…his true self. Fortunately, this go ’round didn’t take too long before he showed his ass. A couple of weeks of honeymoon, then all of the lies, manipulations, carrot-dangling and crumb-throwing, guilt-bombing, gaslighting, walking out (that’s my BIGGEST pet-peeve) in the middle of an argument, etc., started again in full force.
ME: You’re being really mean right now.
HIM: Well, what do you do when there’s someone being mean to you? Do you want them in your life?
Disgusting. Yes, I tried to be all “Sarah Goodall” and observe the spath. It’s just too gross. And exhausting. With no payoff.
On the mother front… I’m doing my best to limit her exposure to my kids, but it’s unavoidable at times because she lives on the next block. The other night I dropped them off at her house for dinner; there was a “for sale” sign in her yard. They are young. They were upset, “Why are you moving? Don’t move!” She replied, “Don’t worry, I’m moving to 22 (street name)!”
I live at 8 (street name). She is moving 7 houses away. She’ll be able to stand in her front yard and watch all of my comings and goings. Tell me that’s not a clear message of, ‘If you ignore me, I will come closer.”
I’ve missed a lot of articles and comments here. A lot to slog through… Glad to see katydid is back!
I’m working on being strong and not taking any more shit from anyone. I’m in “anger and action” mode, and working really hard to keep the momentum going. This whole thread on appeasement has given me much to chew on. Sometimes I just want to pack up my kids and drive somewhere where nobody knows us. I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. But I’ve got to stay here and fight through all of it.
LOL Superkid,
it was an excellent question because it had a dual meaning.
Since he is a spath, you were asking him what it would take to make HIM go away. I think it put him in a conundrum.
🙂
Sarah,
the payoff is when you see the disgusting truth and the cognitive dissonance disappears. The truth sets you free.
Glad you are getting there.
SK:
The unfortunate thing about a collective community is that we are all at different stages.
We just never know how our comminications will affect others here at LF. It’s best to do our ‘research’ on a different playing field as to protect those who may be vulnerable.
We have plenty of opportunities in ‘real life’ to observe……and ‘play’ with theries etc…..where other healers may not be affected adversly.
Go with what you ‘KNOW”. That’s my suggestion.
Thanks, Skylar. Glad to see you’re still super feisty! 🙂
I have to admit, I’m a little scared to see how he’s going to up the ante since I’m not responding to him. His divorce is set to finalize on Jan 2, and last week he hit me with the whammy that she STILL wants to go to counseling and work it out. I know that this was my “warning” to stay in line and keep him happy. Whether or not it’s true doesn’t matter. But I think it is. God knows what crumbs he throws her to keep her in the game. As someone wrote recently, they love to have two women fight over them.
My prediction is that he’ll blame me for having no choice but to go back to his shitty, unfulfilling life because I broke up with him. I’m the bitch because I can’t stand by him during this really difficult time in his life.
He gave me some money at the beginning of the year. He said many times that he never expected to get it back. It was a gift. I fully intended to pay him back, as a point of pride, and also to unload that potential “gun.” I made a payment last month. This month’s payment was a few days late. He asked about it on Friday, and informed me how much the stock he sold to give me the money had gone up. What a fuckwad.
I’m so freaking angry right now. I put these things in writing, I see the truth, and I get SO angry at myself for letting him back in.
Erin
Yes. I get that.
When CLOWN visited us a few weeks ago, it upset one member partcularly. For me, the clown’s visit had a big red bow around it. What a gift of insight. I’m lovin’ the experience of that clown.
SK