It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait.
Here they are:
1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you?
2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)?
Ultimately, it comes down to these separate, yet related, questions.
If the answer to either of them proves no, or probably not, then it’s boogie on out of the relationship time. If the answer to both questions proves yes, or probably yes (and it must be “yes!” to both questions!), then you have a basis to hope for improvement in the quality of the relationship.
But wait a second! I hear the shrieks! “How do you evaluate how genuine someone is, especially a manipulative personality?”
Well, the truth is, it’s difficult to assess how “genuine” someone is, on any level, no less a really good manipulator. But you must still make this assessment in an ongoing fashion, and you must make it without certainty of its accuracy.
Now, we always need to be clear about this: Sometimes, when you are dealing with a sociopath tremendously skilled at dissimulation (as a great many sociopaths are), it may be impossible to bust him before he’s had the chance to wreak terrible, longstanding and long-lasting levels of destruction. God knows this is too often the case. Of course, Donna Anderson in her upcoming book will arm her readers with incredible tools to do precisely this—bust these harder-to-bust sociopathic types.
But in many cases, more than one thinks, partners can be flushed-out for lacking true recognition of their disrespectful behaviors and the true motivation to modify them.
Of course I can’t stress sufficiently that it’s not enough to flush these individuals out: once flushed out, you need to be willing to overcome defenses like denial and pathological hope to heed the red flags you’ve identified. (I’m going to write about what I call pathological hope in my next article. I see it as a defense mechanism that can be almost as self-destructive as the sociopath can be destructive.)
So what are we really looking for here? What do we really need to see? Yes, we are looking for recognition, but most of all we are looking for change. Recognition without change is ultimately useless, a big tease.
And we are looking not for signs of small, itty bitty changes, but real, durable, meaningful, yes big changes. If the changes are too subtle, too slow in coming, too contingent on things like his “moods,” or the alignment of the stars, or if they’re subject to “relapses” of any sort (and especially rationalized relapses), then”¦bzzzzzz”¦.it’s time to send him back to the dugout, permanently, to sit his a** on the bench with his fellow underperformers.
Why do I emphasize big changes and downplay small, subtle changes?
Because we are talking about a big problem, and big problems, on which the quality, integrity and perhaps even safety of your life literally depend, demand big changes. The evidence of the commitment to these changes needs to be absolutely unmistakable; but again I repeat: the key thing is less the evidence of such recognition than the evidence of the changes!
Let me give a small, somewhat tangential but, at least, one specific example of what I’m saying. Let’s say you’ve been feeling disrespected by your partner and for you this is a very serious problem. You’ve been feeling variously misunderstood, blown off, violated, neglected, abused, mistrustful; feeling, let’s say, relegated to a hurtfully low priority in your partner’s world.
In a word, you aren’t feeling respected, and this has become, for you, a serious problem that you share with him. You request that he join you for couples counseling to address your, and perhaps his, concerns?
His answer is “no.”
Well, the answer, “No,” to your request for his participation in couples therapy, is a “You just struck out, pal” answer. That’s a damning, indictable answer. “No” is a virtual affirmation of what you’ve shared with him you’ve been experiencing—his disregard of you and the relationship.
“No” is an utterly lame answer, especially if you’ve requested his participation in couples counseling in a non-belligerent, sincere, and utterly serious fashion.
“No” is tantamount to declaring officially, “I am uninvested in this relationship.”
It may come in countless forms, among them:
“You’re unhappy, that’s your problem.”
“Go get help yourself.”
“I don’t need help. You’re the one with the complaints.”
“Nothing makes you happy. You are insatiable.”
“It’s pointless”¦seriously, get your own sh*t together first and then let’s talk.”
These, and countless similar responses, which blame you and exculpate him, while simultaneously affirming his perspective of the relationship not as a unity or partnership but more as a “sole proprietorship—¦these kinds of responses tell you all you need to know.
But now let’s say he says “yes,” and joins you in couples therapy. That’s nice. If he’s a sociopath, as I’ve written previously, you will hope the therapist will be shrewd enough to know that he, the therapist, is dealing with a sociopath. Because sociopaths do not belong in couples therapy. But for purposes of this argument, let’s imagine he’s not a full-blown sociopath.
In any case, as I’ve been suggesting, it is the evidence, ultimately, that will tell the tale.
He will either change meaningfully and permanently, and begin making these changes in earnest, very soon; or, he won’t.
He may or may not talk the talk effectively, persuasively. But if he doesn’t walk the walk and maintain the walk, you will have gotten your answer.
Walking the walk doesn’t mean it’s necessarily onesided; you too may have changes to make on your end. Nobody’s perfect, and even if you’re involved with a salvageable jerk (the best case scenario and hope), that doesn’t mean you too don’t have room to make some changes.
But let’s not kid ourselves, or let him kid us. If he isn’t motivated to leave you feeling more fulfilled, loved, respected and less neglected; if there isn’t evidence of his sincere desire to do this, and evidence of his willingness to work hard at doing this, and finally, evidence of his success at doing this, well then again”¦.we have our answers.
And let me repeat this point: the changes need to be sustained. Transitory changes made from desperation are more likely to revert as complacency creeps backs in. The regression, as complacency reenters the picture, will tell you something very important, namely that the changes weren’t made from a deep, or deeply honest enough, place.
The interesting thing, here, isn’t that any of this is a news flash or rocket science, because to the contrary I’m aware how almost insultingly obvious it is. The really key thing to beware of is the pervasiveness with which we’re inclined to put, or keep, the emotional blinders on in such a fashion that we either fail to proactively seek this evidence of a parnter’s commitment to change or else, seeking and discovering the partner’s lack of commitment, we find ways to minimize and ignore the urgency of the evidence’s meaning and message!
I will write about pathological hope as a defense mechanism next week.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Sarah
Glad you see the truth in the spath. if you ever need money again i hope you go somewhere else. he will never let you forget it and he will stay in your life until it’s paid off, and then longer, because he can.
I too am a bit afraid, I’ve frozen out my spath. He can’t get through unless he physically shows up,
Oh. God. As I was typing this, he texted to know if I could leave him a check tomorrow. I replied I would leave it under the mat. He replied, “I’ll be there by 9 when I’m headed home.”
THIS is where I’m supposed to respond with, “Oh, really? Where are you staying tonight? I guess you found someone else already? Didn’t take long” etc. — just ridiculous teenage drama that he wants to stir up. I’m not responding, just putting the check out in the morning.
I won’t have him paid off till March. That’s 5 more months of having to have contact with him.
I’m really, really going to need some help here. I’m working on understanding why the drama is so necessary for me. It’s not drama I create, but I perpetuate it. My childhood was drama. It’s all I know. Appeasement. But for some reason, he triggers me to fight back. I feel empowered fighting back. I never got to fight back as a child. He knows this. He plays dumb, but he’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met when it comes to reading and manipulating.
SK,
That’s the f’ed up thing about this: I don’t need anything from him any more. Since I first posted here in August, I now have two jobs that I love, my bills are paid, and I’m (slowly) getting out of debt. Things are good. That’s why he wanted to back: to tear me down again.
I now have… drumroll… health insurance!!! My plan is to subtract my therapy copays from each monthly payment to him. Remember, I don’t HAVE to pay him anything. This was not a loan. But now that he sees that I’m not putting up with his shit, he’s all about the money.
I’m glad to hear you’ve frozen yours out. Last time I was here, I remember some waffling, maybe? I get it, honey. Mine texts rather than picking up the phone. He knows I hate it, and it’s easier to misread tones and cause confusion and arguments, which he loves. There’s nothing he loves more than to push my buttons so he can either laugh or hang up or drive away.
Sara;
Have you ever thought of mailing the check?
I wouldn’t agree to having him come over to my home in a million years!
Create a boundry around YOUR space……a no spath zone….
We all have a need to react with gut reactions.
Gut feelings and gut reactions are different!
Gut feelings we should listen to.
Gut reactions we should delay…..and think about. While we are thinking….and delaying any reaction…..we realize….the time and space created gives us time to realize what is the RIGHT thing to do. Most of the time….doing NOTHING is the right thing to do…..or sometimes waiting is best! Reacting with a clear mind is valuable tool to learn. Self discipline, patience.
So….when you feel triggered…..allow yourself to STEP BACK and STOP. Give it time to soak in. Often the answer will reveal itself all on it’s own!
Oh….and btw….you know better than to respond the way he’s baiting you…..this is a good time to DO NOTHING.
BUT mail the check…..or better yet….direct deposit. No contact required.
Sarah,
right. you want to fight back. and he’s smarter at that game than you are. But now (that you have LF) you have a new tool: Gray rock.
Now, you understand that he was pretending to play one game but actually playing a completely different one. So it’s your turn to play a new game and it’s called NC with the spath.
When he argues with you to start the drama, he makes it seem like he is arguing about an issue, but the issue is just a red herring. His game is all about making you fight back and getting under your skin, though he pretends it’s about whatever the issue dujour is. His payoff is your reactions, your facial expression and your attention to him.
So now that you know this, you also know that you hold all the cards. Your reactions are YOURS and you get to choose them. Make him LOSE the game by not getting any emotions from you. NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH.
If you must have contact, use gray rock tactics. Take control of the prize. And YOU are the prize.
I guess what I mean to say, is that when you get triggered to fight back, do it, but do it with your new weapons and skills of NC and gray rock. Not getting emotions from you is EXTREMELY PAINFUL TO HIM. So hit him where it really hurts.
SK….yes….and after the upset there were valuable tools learned for that poster also….revelations, personal growth…..gifts.
Those lessons are still available outside of the chaos….
We just have to be open to receiving them…..this comes at different times for each of us.
I look back and remember the situations that were gifts in ugly packaging in my life aswell…..the gifts that catapulted me into the next phase of healing and learning about myself.
Hell…..My cancer diagnosis was a gift! Go figure…..gifts are everywhere.
It’s all good……it’s about balance.
Keeping the balance!
Sarah,
I totally agree with the mail it or direct deposit. Text him that you are mailing/depositing it, and that there is NO NEED for him to come to your house, and that in the FUTURE you will mail it to him or direct deposit. If you mail it, do a “return receipt requested” so he has to sign for it so there is none of this crap of “I didn’t get it” and more drama. If a branch of his bank is close by you can direct deposit it to his account. BE SURE YOU have a receipt or canceled check.
Don’t let your “guilt” or Feeling “grateful” for the loan of the money make you feel OBLIGATED to him. My egg donor tried to use money against me….she tried to give me money and I REFUSED TO TAKE IT and it wasn’t a “gift” as she tried to claim but a “DOWN PAYMENT ON CONTROL” and that is what your X did with the “gift.”
BUT you do not have to let the repayment be a CONTACT EXCUSE for him.
You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his happiness or anything else in his life, only for YOURS and he has no “right” to contact with you, or nagging you about the payment being “late” or anything else. So yep, set BOUNDARIES around your space…both physically and emotionally. (((hugS))))
Skylar,
The link you provided last night on propaganda was intriguing. It’s a concept that most of society doesn’t get…..if we are told something it must be true…especially if it comes in the form of an ‘authority’.
Also, Hopeforjoy…..I watched your link last night…..and sent it on. I thought that was a very valuable public service. Thank you for posting that. I made the kids watchit…..i’m also trying to figure out someone who has eluded that he needs my help. He’s got a unique aproach….and I like this guy-well enough, he’s been a rock during my move and I couldn’t have done it without him….truely….but his motives seem a bit left of center.
LYING IS A COOPERATIVE ACT.
He needs legal advocacy and I’d certainly be there for him for all he’s done for me…..BUT….I’m not convinced he’s innocent and don’t want to get involved in a con…..the story doesn’t add up. (And we know where that leads us). So I pulled away…….
I’ve been trying to find a ‘balance’ with him……and listening to your link definately made me think. One of the things it points out is providing tooooo much detail. He does this….and to the point of ad naseum boring information……which makes me just tune out…..not attach.
Anyways…..this guy is of no danger to me. He’s never taken from me, only given…..and I keep myself at a safe distance.
My gf’s think he’s in love with me……and that could be possible….
He’s been immensly valuable to me as far as observing others behaviors……
Anyways……just wanted to thank you for providing the liers link….I hope you all watch it.
Sara;
And if you can pay it off sooner…..better yet.
You must be committed to NC and moving on.
As Skylar said…..you have control of you……excercise it.
If it’s not a check….it’ll be a screwdriver he left on your porch, or an important paper he accidently left in your car…….or a dish he left at your sisters house last Thanksgiving…..etc….
I’m not clear on why your thinking MONEY will tie you to him for the next few months……it doesn’t have to be that way….unless you choose it!
http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/chris/2004/05/04/how_to_stop_being_manipulated.htm