It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait.
Here they are:
1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you?
2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)?
Ultimately, it comes down to these separate, yet related, questions.
If the answer to either of them proves no, or probably not, then it’s boogie on out of the relationship time. If the answer to both questions proves yes, or probably yes (and it must be “yes!” to both questions!), then you have a basis to hope for improvement in the quality of the relationship.
But wait a second! I hear the shrieks! “How do you evaluate how genuine someone is, especially a manipulative personality?”
Well, the truth is, it’s difficult to assess how “genuine” someone is, on any level, no less a really good manipulator. But you must still make this assessment in an ongoing fashion, and you must make it without certainty of its accuracy.
Now, we always need to be clear about this: Sometimes, when you are dealing with a sociopath tremendously skilled at dissimulation (as a great many sociopaths are), it may be impossible to bust him before he’s had the chance to wreak terrible, longstanding and long-lasting levels of destruction. God knows this is too often the case. Of course, Donna Anderson in her upcoming book will arm her readers with incredible tools to do precisely this—bust these harder-to-bust sociopathic types.
But in many cases, more than one thinks, partners can be flushed-out for lacking true recognition of their disrespectful behaviors and the true motivation to modify them.
Of course I can’t stress sufficiently that it’s not enough to flush these individuals out: once flushed out, you need to be willing to overcome defenses like denial and pathological hope to heed the red flags you’ve identified. (I’m going to write about what I call pathological hope in my next article. I see it as a defense mechanism that can be almost as self-destructive as the sociopath can be destructive.)
So what are we really looking for here? What do we really need to see? Yes, we are looking for recognition, but most of all we are looking for change. Recognition without change is ultimately useless, a big tease.
And we are looking not for signs of small, itty bitty changes, but real, durable, meaningful, yes big changes. If the changes are too subtle, too slow in coming, too contingent on things like his “moods,” or the alignment of the stars, or if they’re subject to “relapses” of any sort (and especially rationalized relapses), then”¦bzzzzzz”¦.it’s time to send him back to the dugout, permanently, to sit his a** on the bench with his fellow underperformers.
Why do I emphasize big changes and downplay small, subtle changes?
Because we are talking about a big problem, and big problems, on which the quality, integrity and perhaps even safety of your life literally depend, demand big changes. The evidence of the commitment to these changes needs to be absolutely unmistakable; but again I repeat: the key thing is less the evidence of such recognition than the evidence of the changes!
Let me give a small, somewhat tangential but, at least, one specific example of what I’m saying. Let’s say you’ve been feeling disrespected by your partner and for you this is a very serious problem. You’ve been feeling variously misunderstood, blown off, violated, neglected, abused, mistrustful; feeling, let’s say, relegated to a hurtfully low priority in your partner’s world.
In a word, you aren’t feeling respected, and this has become, for you, a serious problem that you share with him. You request that he join you for couples counseling to address your, and perhaps his, concerns?
His answer is “no.”
Well, the answer, “No,” to your request for his participation in couples therapy, is a “You just struck out, pal” answer. That’s a damning, indictable answer. “No” is a virtual affirmation of what you’ve shared with him you’ve been experiencing—his disregard of you and the relationship.
“No” is an utterly lame answer, especially if you’ve requested his participation in couples counseling in a non-belligerent, sincere, and utterly serious fashion.
“No” is tantamount to declaring officially, “I am uninvested in this relationship.”
It may come in countless forms, among them:
“You’re unhappy, that’s your problem.”
“Go get help yourself.”
“I don’t need help. You’re the one with the complaints.”
“Nothing makes you happy. You are insatiable.”
“It’s pointless”¦seriously, get your own sh*t together first and then let’s talk.”
These, and countless similar responses, which blame you and exculpate him, while simultaneously affirming his perspective of the relationship not as a unity or partnership but more as a “sole proprietorship—¦these kinds of responses tell you all you need to know.
But now let’s say he says “yes,” and joins you in couples therapy. That’s nice. If he’s a sociopath, as I’ve written previously, you will hope the therapist will be shrewd enough to know that he, the therapist, is dealing with a sociopath. Because sociopaths do not belong in couples therapy. But for purposes of this argument, let’s imagine he’s not a full-blown sociopath.
In any case, as I’ve been suggesting, it is the evidence, ultimately, that will tell the tale.
He will either change meaningfully and permanently, and begin making these changes in earnest, very soon; or, he won’t.
He may or may not talk the talk effectively, persuasively. But if he doesn’t walk the walk and maintain the walk, you will have gotten your answer.
Walking the walk doesn’t mean it’s necessarily onesided; you too may have changes to make on your end. Nobody’s perfect, and even if you’re involved with a salvageable jerk (the best case scenario and hope), that doesn’t mean you too don’t have room to make some changes.
But let’s not kid ourselves, or let him kid us. If he isn’t motivated to leave you feeling more fulfilled, loved, respected and less neglected; if there isn’t evidence of his sincere desire to do this, and evidence of his willingness to work hard at doing this, and finally, evidence of his success at doing this, well then again”¦.we have our answers.
And let me repeat this point: the changes need to be sustained. Transitory changes made from desperation are more likely to revert as complacency creeps backs in. The regression, as complacency reenters the picture, will tell you something very important, namely that the changes weren’t made from a deep, or deeply honest enough, place.
The interesting thing, here, isn’t that any of this is a news flash or rocket science, because to the contrary I’m aware how almost insultingly obvious it is. The really key thing to beware of is the pervasiveness with which we’re inclined to put, or keep, the emotional blinders on in such a fashion that we either fail to proactively seek this evidence of a parnter’s commitment to change or else, seeking and discovering the partner’s lack of commitment, we find ways to minimize and ignore the urgency of the evidence’s meaning and message!
I will write about pathological hope as a defense mechanism next week.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Sara
I understand the draw of the drama and the urge to fight back.
I’m *so* there with you. I had the same experience as a kid, couldn’t fight back then so I’m tempted to want to see my spath implode.
Plus drama does this thing to our bodies – an addiction thing – our spath experiences generally have us in a high state of alert. Drama keeps the adrenalin and excitement going, even after the “fantasty” of who we hoped he’d be is long dead.
On occasion, I consider how to further hurt my spath. I find myself so angry (partially at him, partially at me). Then I realize that I am exactly how I want to be. I’m open. I’m trustworthy, and I trust people. I am well liked. And then I lose my anger – I remember he’s only a child. He’s a toddler. Infantile. He is not unique. He is forever retarded in his ability to comprehend complexities in the human experience. He has to live his life out behind a mask, hoping nobody finds out the truth. He cowers in his basement. He lives on line. He told me his most dreaded fear is being noticed. Ha ha ha ha! He lies because he can’t find himself, doesn’t know who he is. It’s pathetic.
A big “whatever”.
Once in a while I forget this, my anger builds, I think of him wrongly, temporarily, as a capable adult worthy of my attention. Then I come to LF, and I realize my error.
They’re all the same. Infants.
Time to turn on football.
Superkid
Erin,
Yes, I’ve thought about mailing the checks. I will do so with the subsequent ones.
Since I didn’t respond to the “I’ll get it on my way home tomorrow morning” text, he called. I picked up the second one because I knew it would go on all night. He sweetly asked if I could put the money out now so he wouldn’t have to come out here tomorrow. I said, “Sure.” No emotion. Grey rock. My car is in the garage (I never park in the garage because I want people to think someone is home) so he will think I left. This is the LAST TIME he will have a reason to come to my house.
Two months ago I changed my locks, passwords, routines… and I let him back in. Ugh.
The man I “know and love” would never act this way, especially over money. I have to keep reminding myself that this is who he is. He is someone who, when I don’t let him treat me like shit, demands the return of a gift, and sets the demands of the return.
How many more lessons do I need? I read everyone’s stories here and I see what could happen to me. I’m sure none of you stayed or kept going back thinking he/she would beat/rob/poison/sue you!
I hear what you’re saying, Skylar.
Sarah,
You need as many lessons as will take you through life…..
They never stop darlen.
WE never get to a ‘plateau’…..that we are safe from lifes twists and turns.
Sometimes we must learn lifes lessons through wading through the muck all on our own. I know I did.
It sure helps reflecting on what others went through and learned……but even then…..there is something deep down in all of us that still thinks (on some level)…..OH, that can’t happen to me……
IE….cancer…..that’s always someone elses unfortunate problem.
IE….finding another toxic relationship after ‘this’ one…because….OH, i’ve learned so much i’d never make the same mistakes…..
IE…the dead wife and/or children of an abuser…killed by abuser…..OH, he’s dangerous…..but I don’t think he’d go ‘THAT FAR”……until he does and they are dead! (Seal Beach)
Unfortunatley, there is just no immunity.
BUT….education and awareness is key to hopefully diverting further issues.
SK;
It’s all about what we “KNOW’……once you figure out something, just file it as “KNOW” and keep that information as a ‘given’.
Oxy, I’ve missed you!
SK, I’m bookmarking what you said. My thoughts and experiences, verbatim. Cowboys are winning big.
I can’t remember if I mentioned before the book “People of the Lie.” Read it years ago because of a boss, but have recalled it so much during the relationship with the spath, dealings with my mother, etc. The author says that one of the hallmarks of an “evil” person is the state of confusion they keep you in. I *do* have people in my life who don’t confuse me. I *do* have people in my life I have to deal with who I can see right through. But this man (and my mother) keep me in a constant state of confusion and doubt. Am I crazy? Am *I* the one who’s disordered? Intellectually, I know it’s not true. But it’s SO HARD to trudge through the pea soup.
I *must* resist the urge to want to continue to “study” him. That’s what draws me in more than anything. That, and the chemical release from the drama. I need to find a good therapist. I can afford it now; I have a free day each week to attend.
Is my partner salvageable? One of my closest friends is in the longest relationship of her life — four years. It’s occasionally rocky, as she has a whole sea of PTSD and depression issues that I’m sure are difficult for her partner to navigate sometimes. I hear about their arguments, I hear about my friend being nasty, and her partner just shrugs it off or is able to calm her down. (Maybe it’s a different dynamic because they’re both women? I don’t know.) And then the other day I read on one of my favorite blogs about a study predicting the level of fighting in a marriage: pretty much if you fight in the beginning of the relationship, it’ll stay that way. (Duh.) The reader comments were along the lines of, “My partner and I (or the commenters’ parents) fight all the time about little things, but we get over it and love each other and will be together forever!” So I think, okay, bickering is normal. As a kid I saw knock-down-drag-outs, followed by presents, so I don’t really have good models to go on. So maybe what he and I do is “healthy.” I had a 15-year relationship with *no* fighting. None. Not one fight. That didn’t work so great. Even the divorce was a breeze. So that’s what keeps sucking me into this: I think he *is* salvageable. And I wonder what would happen if I asked him those two questions at the beginning of this article? And the fact that I’m even wondering that is scary to me.
Amen to that!! …. And just watch that file grow…lol just keep it organized and don’t file to fast.
EB- good to see things are going so well for you! A date?? Hmm! :). Have fun.
Sara…..Pea soup is always served up with word salad!
The confused feeling is a HUGE RED FLAG…….that’s when you know to pull back and stop….retreat and gather your thoughts.
Coping…..we’ll see about a ‘date’……
I think my gf is going to have us both over for dinner….with another group of peeps.
It’s just another bridge that i’m now willing to cross……If I come to it. And THAT my dear….is growth! 🙂
Awesome!!
Oh yeah…..I forgot an important addition to the spath menu……Pea soup, Word salad……and shit on a stick!
If it stinks and is hard to swallow……and stomach……WALK!