Last night Larry King Live of CNN hosted a discussion about whether criminals can be rehabilitated. I think it will be re-aired this weekend so try to watch. One of the guests drew a distinction between “learned” criminal behavior and psychopathy. She stated she believed that criminals who have learned to be that way can unlearn but psychopaths cannot be rehabilitated. I know many of you also hold this belief so I would like to tell you why I strongly disagree.
First I will tell you my position:
ALL criminality stems from an interaction between a person and a situation. A person is a product of his/her genetics and experiences. So in a sense what makes up personality (the “person”) is learned for everyone including the psychopathic. We are preprogrammed by our genetics to learn certain things better than others.
In terms of situational variables solid research has demonstrated that antisocial associates, poor work and educational performance, substance abuse, poor family ties and poor recreational achievement are all associated with criminality. These variables operate independently from personality variables and are important for even the most psychopathic individuals.
The more psychopathic a person is, the more deeply ingrained is the lifestyle of parasitism and predation BUT even those with lower levels of psychopathy can be very resistant to change and very dangerous to society. The definition of response to treatment depends on what you are looking for. If a person cheats 8 people a week, then goes into a program and cheats 1 person a week, that is a change. Everyone has a different definition of “rehabilitation”.
Coincidentally, I just read a great book, Persons in Context: Building a science of the individual. It is a tribute to Walter Mischel, Ph.D. one of the great thinkers of modern psychology. In his chapter “Intelligence as a Person-Situation Interaction”, Robert Sternberg lists five fallacies of thinking. He says, “There is another dimension to person-situation interaction: the extent to which particular situations elicit ‘stupid’ thinking in intelligent people.” All of his 5 fallacies occur in the context of perceived power or dominance. They are:
- The unrealistic optimism fallacy. This occurs when one believes that one is so smart and so powerful that it is pointless to worry about the outcome of what one does.
- The egocentrism fallacy. This occurs when one comes to think that one’s own interests are the only ones that are important.
- The Omniscience Fallacy. This occurs when people think they know more than they do.
- The Omnipotence Fallacy. This results from the power one wield or believes one wields.
- The invulnerability Fallacy. This derives for the illusion of complete protection.
Dr. Sternberg is one of many scientists who have discovered that the experience of power changes the mind/brain. Some people are more prone than others to these effects of power. Since psychopathic individuals seek out power constantly like a heroin addict seeking a fix, they are never free from all of the above fallacies of thinking. Life is a situation of constant power or perceived power.
In the absence of a loving nature all power pursuit becomes antisocial. Now power pursuit and attainment can also stomp out a person’s loving nature, if it was ever present in the first place.
To rehab the psychopathic we have to strip them of any power and teach them to love and care for others. To my knowledge there is no program that has yet succeeded in doing this even for those “sociopaths” who score at the lower end of the psychopathy scale.
Henry –
So glad to hear you have lots of energy and have your health back and are keeping busy.
IF pep talks are what it takes to rid that haunting feeling for good , then I am willing to give you 1,000,000 pep talks until you reach the day you choose to release yourself from that experience in your life 🙂
ps. I am not immune from needing pep talks every now and then too. We experienced hell and back…and sometimes we just dont have the strength to completely fight off the haunting moments completely…but if we keep chipping away at them – they will GO FOR GOOD! Warm hugs of sunshine to you Henry or cool calm breezes may be better to send your way in this awful heat!xo LTL
gonetoofar,
As the normal parent, you’re the stable parent to your child. Right now, I would suggest keep doing what you’re doing, being good to yourself and your child. If you sense that it would be helpful to get counseling for yourself and/or your son, go for it. I would suggest reading the book (that you can find on this website) about parenting an at-risk child, finding helpful parenting advice. As long as the child’s father is in the picture, you will have to contend with his disorder for most of your child’s life (unfortunately). I say, do what ever empowers you and your child.
Deara Gone too far,
Go over to Liane Leedom’s blog “raising the at risk child” and by her book “Just like hhis father” and e mail her, she’s a wonderful woman anfd she is on the same road you are in raising the child of a psychopath with hoping and trying to teach the child to love.
Kids that age often say things like that to parents, they are trying to become independent and make their own decisions. I don’t doubt you have an up hill struggle with him because of the weekends he is with your husband.
If he would say the “bird thing” to me, I would say back something like “I love you and I would miss you if you flew away and it would hurt me if you pecked me with your beak. Are you angry at me because I said “No candy until after dinner?”
I”t’s okay for you to say ‘Mom I’m angry ” everyone gets angry sometimes but we still have to act poliltely with in the rules. So why don’t you sit down jin the chair for 5 minutres (bring out a timer) and thnk about it.
Something along those lines.
gonetoofar,
Your words really stuck a cord with me about your son. Please don’t let your fear overcome you. It is really a good thing that your son is only three years old and that you know what you are up against when it comes to his father. Awareness, early on, is a good thing to have when raising an at risk child. But don’t become paralized in the fear of this awareness. Try to focus on what you CAN do.
I am going to give you some advice, and this advice comes straight from the heart.
Focus on compassion and empathy. Ask both questions. When he is showing frustration or sadness or anger over something. As him how he feels. Let him verbalize it. And “talk it out” with him. But always ask the other question as well, how he thinks he make others feel when his behavior is unacceptable. Such as if he takes a toy from another child or whatever behavior is in question.
If he does something to hurt others, such as when you said he kicked you, ask him “how do you think that made mommy feel” and talk this out also. Always give him other alternatives what he might have done differently when he is angy or frustrated. ALLOW him to feel his anger/frustration but give him acceptable ways to let it out.
I know this is all simple stuff that you are probably already doing with a three year old but with the at risk child there could be alot more rinse and repeat behavior….So that calls for alot more rinse and repeat parenting as well.
At risk children often times do NOT respond well to consequences to their behavior such as time outs or whatever the consequence might be. (age appropriate) They tend to respond to the consequences by getting more angry or out of control. This does not necessarily mean that there shouldn’t be consequences for bad behavior. It just means you have to pick your battles VERY carefully.
Save your energy for the important things. Don’t concentrate so much if he cleans up his room to your liking…..Vs if he is being rough with his playmates. Always look at the big picture. How important is this?
And what sometimes could work better is giving him (small) positive rewards early on (at his age) for good behavior. Lots of praises, for what he is doing that is positive.
Make sure to put as much emphasis on what he doing that is good as you do on what he is doing wrong. Because sometimes when a child is difficult it is easier to overlook the “good” things when they are doing so much bad.
The at risk child also sometimes has alot of impulsive behavior. They don’t seem to think things out. They just act out.
Again always speak to him afterwards about what his other “choices” were. What he might have chosen to do, instead of what he might have done impulsively.
And also be aware that many personality disorders also have layered DX. Many S/P/N are also Bipolar or have addicted personalities as well. And self medicate with alcohol and drugs.
Even if your x was never Dx as bipolar it doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t. And Bipolar can be genetic in nature. Bipolar children or adolescents can be very difficult to raise. Especially if left untreated or undiagnosed.
You will know or sense as your child gets older if he falls into what is considered normal behavior for his age or not.
Maybe your child is just experiencing a bump in the road. Going through the “terrible” twos at three. STAY STEADY. Parent with lots of love and patience. Have balance. But don’t turn a blind eye either if you see a problem…..Go to counseling, or a pediatrition and voice your concern.
Listen to your gut when it comes to your child. If you think there is a problem, then their probably is.
hello witty. 🙂
gonetoofar,
That’s the advice..from Oxy…you need to really listen to this advice…wish you all the best, blessings and love…stay in relationship with your child…stay in with it…do not give up ….it’s hard but not impossible…read the books…talk to him, relate to him as a human being…good luck
Hello One Step! How are you doing with your new job?
honestly witty – really struggling. i am not the woman i used to be. this new one is not so quick cognitively. have bee going through lots of pain and that makes it hard too.
but, one day at a time.
🙂
how are things going?
OxDrover and Witsend,
That was good advice to gonetoofar, all of us who have at-risk children being able to do what you both suggest.
Thanks, Bluejay,
I would be a better parent today than I was back when I was younger, I think. Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of experience when that kid pops out and starts then to walk and talk. I read Dr. Spock from cover to cover a thousand times I think. I literally had never held a new born when mine was put in my hands.
I think I trained him like a puppy! LOL But oh, gosh, how I loved those kids…used to sit and watch them sleep and hope they’d wake up so I could play with them. Even though I can’t say that my bio kids worked out all that well, one P and one Arse, I’m still glad I had them, cause it was wonderful to sit there and watch them sleep and love them, melt in your heart. Nothing lasts forever, and my late husband is gone, but I’m still glad I had the time I did have with him. Same with the little kids. I loved them, just should have taken them off “relationship-life-support” a long time before I did—pulled the plug when the relationship got so sick it couldn’t survive.