Sociopaths, as a group, tend to be predatory personalities. But does the converse always hold? Are predatory personalities, by definition, sociopaths?
Is it possible to prey on innocent people, and victimize them, yet not be a sociopath?
I think the answer to this question is yes…it is possible to be a predator and not a sociopath, although let me state as strongly as possible that, sociopath or not, the predator’s exploitation is no less damaging.
How one defines the predatory personality makes a difference. For purposes of this discussion, here’s how I’m going to define it: The predatory personality recognizes (if not actively seeks) opportunities for personal gratification, and seizes those opportunities knowing full well that, in doing so, he or she will cause someone else to feel victimized.
This must be a pattern of behavior to constitute predation.
While hardly comprehensive, this will be my working definition.
Predatory behavior can be driven by compulsion, but not all predatory behavior is compulsively driven. When it’s not, as a matter of fact, I think that sociopathy is a virtual given.
Compulsion can be a driving feature of predatory behavior. And many of us can attest personally to the power of compulsion. Compulsion is, by definition, an incredibly hard force to resist. When we feel compelled to do something, even knowing it’s an unwise thing to do, we often do it anyway…and sometimes again and again. Resistance to the compulsive urge proves enormously difficult.
We also know that sometimes, what “compels” us, at the same time violates our general standards and personal values (causing most of us, in these cases, internal disturbance).
This makes compulsion a quite fascinating experience, among other reasons for its seeming power to drive us to actions or thoughts that sometimes fly in the face of our self-respect, and sometimes respect for others.
Of course, not everyone who feels compulsively driven to perform self-violating or violating behaviors even has an underlying value system to be contravened. In these cases, I’d again suggest that sociopathy is likely to apply.
But things grow murkier in cases of individuals who, otherwise seeming to possess and adhere to reasonable moral standards, find themselves “compelled” to actions that profoundly transgress their standards—actions, especially, that leave a wake of victims in their trail.
Theoretically these may be cases where the urge to perpetrate the behavior—the compulsion itself—is so powerful that it’s as if it overrides and corrupts the standards the individual normally applies, and from which he or she draws his or her self-esteem.
In such cases, shame, self-contempt, guilt, and conscious or unconscious acts of penance can follow.
In August an interesting story broke in The New York Times headlined “Star Pediatrician Fights Accusations of Sex Abuse.” It concerned a pediatrician, researcher and writer, Melvin Levine, MD, who is recognized for his work on children’s learning styles and differences. Levine has written several popular psychology/education books on children, and his innovative research has been embraced by school districts across the country.
The front-page story (Aug. 6) reports that multiple former patients, either directly or else through their families—victims who could not possibly have known each other—alleged that, over a period of decades, Levine sexually molested them in the course of physical examinations he conducted with them alone.
Some of the accusations surfaced while Levine was still practicing, others later. None of the accusations, it turns out, was rigorously investigated, as a result of which Levine was never made professionally accountable at any point.
Levine has denied the allegations despite the fact that the complaints were spread across different states, over long stretches of time, contained virtually identical descriptions of his sexual abusiveness and, as noted, were made by disparate, disconnected patients. Thus, the probability of some sort of conspiracy to undermine him begs credulity.
Who, then, is Melvin Levine, MD, assuming the allegations are true and that, over a period of decades—as he was simultaneously contributing undeniably meaningful work to the better understanding and academic growth of children—he was also selecting some of them to sexually molest?
Is he, by definition, a sociopath? Certainly, if the accusations are true, he meets the criteria of a predator. But does this necessarily make him a sociopath?
I could be wrong, yet I can imagine that Melvin Levine falls into that category of individuals who find themselves in the throes of a compulsion that insists as if tyrannically on its expression. I can imagine that Melvin Levine has secretly despised himself from his first, and every subsequent, capitulation to his compulsion.
I can imagine that Melvin Levine has been filled, over the years, with a private self-mortification, believing himself to be incorrigibly corrupted and beyond help or forgiveness. And I can imagine that his good works—his career that, so oddly, has been devoted to the same children he’s abused—derived and evolved from a genuine need to contribute his talents to society in a meaningful way.
I can imagine that Dr. Levine has been living for decades in awful confusion, trying to reconcile his good, perhaps even admirable values,with behavior that’s made a shameful mockery of those values.
Of course, it’s possible that Melvin Levine is a sociopath, and that I’m giving him way too much credit. But I entertain the possibility that he isn’t; that instead, from the first time he indulged his compulsion, he began digging himself as if into a psychic hole of shame and self-corruption so deep and inescapable that, at some point, his survival came to depend on denial and lies and, of course, his capacity to compartmentalize.
Skepticism here is valid. Where do you draw the line? How about serial rapists? Or serial killers? After all, isn’t a monster a monster, regardless of the role compulsion plays in his or her deviance? Who cares what the diagnosis is, one can rightfully object! It’s the behavior that marks the man (or woman)!
I’ve merely scratched the surface of this discussion, and intend to continue it in a future post.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Tilly,
Sweetie, I am NOT FAT, I am “Fluffy”—-and yo uknow, I am at a healthy weight and diong pretty well over all, so I am not going to STRESS out about a few pounds over the insurance company stats and charts. Actually, it shows that people who get cancer and are slightly over weight at the time of diagnosis do better than those that are skinny! SOOOO, just in case I get cancer I want to be “prepared!” LOL
W#ell, I wish I was tehre in your winter, cause it is so humid and miserable and stermy here I finally broke down and tuned on the air conditioning today.
Have a good evening (((hugs)))) Oxy
Done: I had two large patches of hair fall out. I was under extreme stress, having been “rescued” from a bad situation created by the psychopath by a new “rescuer” who was another predator — this one in the form of an “employer” who had work she wanted me to do. She was going to have money to pay me “any minute now.” She also thought it was very funny that my hair fell out.
Thankfully that episode is behind me, my hair seems to have grown back in, and I don’t flinch at every sudden noise.
Now, if I could just drop the excess weight . . .
I have been wrestling with this…thanks for a great article – again. Rune’s comment above: had the same scenario – extreme stress and health issues (and financial and emotional devastation) from getting away from my predatory/S Ex-husband (now more clear that he is a true S, extreme Narcissicist) and then being introduced to another predator by my attorneys (they were pimping out their attractive female clients to a wealthy high paying male client – yes, VERY bad on their part!). His first girlfriend post-divorce tried to commit suicide when they broke up, the female client he was introduced to before me drank heavily to deal with his departure (and I was told to be afraid she might come after ME because she was so jealous and out of control, so I had to hide in my lawyer’s office!) and now that he is done with me, he has moved on to the woman (yes another victim of an abusive N/S in marriage, a very timid and desperate woman, spent a lot of time/money trying to help her) whom I previously thought of as my best friend…he knew she was incredibly vulnerable and SHE KNEW that he preyed on me and devastated me but she was unable to resist him (he was her boss as well at the time they started their affair). If all that isn’t enough to make you crazy…at least I know what I know now and can be done with it all!
Having back to back experiences with this type of man almost destroyed me, but I’m thankful to have survived – with lots of loss – but my children are doing great in spite of it all (I’m very strong…and have my priorities straight where they’re concerned – I knew I couldn’t give up because of my twins). This type of thing will NEVER happen to me again; no longer vulnerable to what they do and how they operate. Lovefraud has helped so much.
I can report here, gratefully, that because of what I was reading here during my divorce – and during this relationship with the boyfriend my attorneys set me up with – that I was able to recognize (yes, kind of too late) what this second man was doing to me, how unhealthy and destructive and abnormal he was and that I had to get out, cut my losses no matter how painful. I broke up with him even though I loved him and needed him DESperately…could not get him out of my system and was scared to death to be on my own and face this uncertain world. But I knew the only way to rebuild my self-esteem, my ego, my perspective on the ‘normal’ world was to get away from him. (and of course he became abusive, ugly, stalking me by text, phone calls and watching my house – but stopped quickly thank goodness – then moved on to my friend, a worse victim than me) I’m proud of myself that I made that tough call, faced my mistakes and grew out of that situation. I’m healthy now.
Wish I had more time to write and respond/contribute – so much in common with you all. I’ve been wanting to share this particular experience and this article gave me the perfect opportunity to do it. So for any newcomers, please be aware of how vulnerable you are to other predators when you’ve just come out of this type of relationship and are trying to recover.
I don’t mind sharing anything if it helps someone else and I’ve very thankful for everyone here who has exposed their pain and suffering in this way that helped me learn and heal.
Now on to the section about co-parenting with a S…big part of my life right now, very difficult. Then back to dealing with attorneys who throw their abused clients under the bus to protect their own interests (and use them to pad their bottom line). I fear I’m not done with the ‘system’ yet – have more work to do to be prepared for all of this. But the truth has to come out.
Best wishes to all,
D
Welcome DebB,
As we try to tell most new members this is an club we wish we would not a member of. But there are a lot of information here to help understand how these (sociopathic) work and what to watch out for to avoid them in the future. Again welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us.
DebB: Hi. I did the same thing, back to back, one I believe to be a N and the other a S. Inbetween the two I was on LF reading and reading, but was so needy, whatever it was, I just didn’t get it, then loaned the second guy money and realized I had to get out of it!!! I can’t repeat these patterns anymore, that’s why I am sticking around this time… to keep learning about myself and them.
Rune,
Glad your hair came back! Mine’s about an inch long now, but there is still a little bit that feels smooth, and I hope it’s not starting to fall out again. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with all of this the last couple of weeks. My stupid subconscious has been sending me dreams of the S nearly every night lately, while I know they’re dreams when I wake up I feel like the emotions (stress) are real and hanging around most the day. Maybe that is adding to the trouble I’ve been having losing weight. Even counting my calories and exercising has not been getting any of the weight off the last month.
Now that I think about it, I believe I dealt with back to back S’s as well. Before my current S I dated his then “best friend.” I was only 18 at the time and he was 27 or 28. He was so charming, and bought me jewelry and flowers, had a key to my place, and I thought things were great. Come to find out, he was married, had one child and one on the way. Before finding out all of this he came to my apartment one night to tell me that he had brain cancer, and was moving to California for treatment. I was shocked and devastated, and when I asked when he had to leave, he told me ‘right now.’ He actually had the UHAUL parked outside. That’s it–he was gone. I was left to pick up the pieces. I spent three weeks in bed thinking he was dying of cancer, before my current-ex-S informed me that he was probably lying, and married etc. I couldn’t comprehend why anyone would lie about such a thing…and ended up seeking comfort in his friend, my new-found S. He proceeded to put me through a seemingly never ending hell over the last ten years, and here I am. I had all but forgotten about the first P until now… Does this mean I’m a psycho-magnet?! (no need to answer that, I mean it rhetorically).
Done: You were targeted. And the first S probably was a sort of endorsement for the second S that you were the kind of person that they like to target: kind, tolerant, responsible, cooperative, caring . . .
They target people with those qualities. That doesn’t mean you were a magnet. It means you met a two-pack. The second one, I’m sure, used your vulnerability to reel you in.
Good for you, getting out of it.
Done,
How I hate those “little dreams of remembrance”.
Strange but how my dreams changed over time….
At the beginning she was so conceited and powerful; laughing at me then later in my dreams she acted foolish and more children like then once again changed and showed me that she was asking for “another chance”. The last one show me her “true” self and started in with all the lies but only this time in the dream I knew who she really was and knew it was nothing but lies..
Strange how my dreams changed over time but still I don’t enjoy them. I once asked my children if they ever dreamt of her. They both told me no. My reply? Luckily dogs! 🙂
Rune,
Looking back on it now, it would seem that I was targeted. How annoying.
James,
I hope my dreams go away soon! They have started changing. I used to always dream that I was looking for the S, I could see him, but was never able to interact with him in any of my dreams. I had ten years of dreams like this…looking for him and being unable to find him. Now it seems obvious that those were trying to tell me that he was emotionally unavailable.
I had a couple dreams since NC where I could see him for who he was, which were good (not as good as not dreaming at all would be). I had one where he was trying to get back with me and his new gf caught him, and I warned her that he was lousy and would only use her but she didn’t listen. But the last week or so I’ve been having dreams where he is charming, and I know I’m not supposed to go back, but I do. Then I wake up missing him which is awful. I guess I don’t miss him the same way I used to, at least now missing him comes with the knowledge of who he really is. Now the missing him is still extremely painful, but I don’t miss him and wish he were here. I think I’m just grieving the loss of the illusion I had for us rather than him, and grieving the reality of it all. And I still have a hard time understanding how he could just discard me after all the time we spent together and everything that I have done for him. It’s unfathomable to me that he doesn’t love me sometimes. I can’t believe that he is capable of being so detached.
This is the longest I’ve ever been NC since I met him in 1999. When I have those dreams where I go back, it worries me. I’d like to think I never would go back now that I’ve seen the light. But it’s also so hard for me to let go. This is why I know NC is so important, because I’m afraid if there is any contact I might get swept back in like in the dream.
Oxy:
I know you are not fat, and even if you were…who’s ideal is it anyway?
I have hit the skids, I don’t know why, but I am REALLY sick. Maybe its the antkiller sand I put in my dive of a flat to kill all the cockroaches and rats. I think I went overkill. I think I killed myself as well. Oh well, at least there are no more cockroaches and rats this week.
Still no water in the bathroom taps. Complained two months ago.
I think I am so sick because I am on burn out. All I do is work and clean and paint and breath toxic fumes from the ant killer sand. ( I couldn’t afford to buy roach and rat killer and I already had a ton of ant killer.
I should have gone to the psychopathic ex and sprinkled it all over the beautiful garden I planted there that is flourishin now.
But I would get legally abused again. No small crimes. If I go to prison it will be for killing him. Nothing less.
I am so sick. Life is not worth living. I am sick of giving giving giving all my life and getting nothing but toxic fumes. I’ve had enough.