Those abused by family members and romantic partners seek information on this site trying to understand the personality of their abuser. They wonder is he/she a sociopath? Does a personality disorder explain why this happened to me?
The answers to these questions are often hard to come by. Experts require “proof” of a set of personality traits before diagnosing someone with a disorder. Yet in my opinion, we have an obligation to the victims of abuse to explain to them that abusers are not “normal” people who are simply misguided in their attempts to “help” others. Abuse is often perpetrated by sociopaths under the guise of “helping.”
This week a young lady 23-year-old Hillary Adams, posted a video on Youtube of her abuser perpetrating violence against her. When you watch the video keep in mind that the abuser is also a judge. The video is very difficult to watch but it is a gift because it allows us to see firsthand the abuser’s pathos.
Please watch the video and then continue reading.
Consider whether you also see what I see here:
1. A perpetrator that enjoyed hurting another with a victim that had been in this roll before.
2. Motivated by the orgasm of power, perpetrator actually used the word submission.
3. There were many sexual overtones, the word f*** was repeated over and over; “get on the bed”; “bend over the bed”; “roll over”; “I never got my licking on her”; “I’m going to wear your F****** a** off with this belt”.
4. Perpetrator wanted to give her a “glass of water” so he could continue to perpetrate. When the BTK killer described this behavior, I coined it the glass of water phenomenon. Shows the appearance of empathy, but its goal is to get the victim to recover enough to be abused further.
5. “You don’t deserve to be in this house” no she doesn’t this much is true.
Do you agree with me that this should be prosecuted as a sex offense? Isn’t that justified by the words the body part and the setting?
What more do we need to see or know to understand this man’s disorder?
Mother has since divorced him, both mother and daughter spoke exclusively with Matt Lauer on TODAY Thursday about the furor the video has caused and the reasons for posting it seven years after it was taken.
UGH! I couldn’t read more than half of the first page… BLARCH! And all I can think is “Take it like a man, you ponsy!”
I loved this quote from one of the comments:
QUOTE:
Wow. Poor Judge Adams… it’s like a man can’t even commit felony assault against his child without the public getting all bent out of shape.
To paraphrase his ex-wife, I think he just needs to lie down on his stomach and take it like a grown woman.
He was also using financial support and the car to “buy off” his daughter, and to CONTROL her.
I think the mother should receive counseling and some supervision as well, because of her participation in the beating. AT BEST she is part of the problem as a “Trauma bonded” victim, but at WORST, she is an abuser as well and is using this video to black mail her husband.
It is not a “given” that this mother is any saint or that the daughter is. Just because someone gets into a fight with a psychopath doesn’t mean they are NOT ALSO A PSYCHOPATH…and it is not uncommon at all for two psychopaths to hook up and the “loser” in the ultimate fight poses as a victim.
The girl (as a girl) was obviously a VICTIM of her PARENT-S- in the beating, but at the same time, she is no longer a child, she is an adult and responsible for her behavior and choices.
I’m not trying to vilify the girl by any stretch, but what I am saying is that I THINK THERE IS MORE DYSFUNCTION HERE THAN MIGHT MEET THE EYE AT FIRST VIEW. Until I hear more, I don’t think EITHER of the “parents’ are fit to PARENT A CHILD unsupervised.
I think she waited so long to release the tapes:
1)Until she had a clear understanding of HIS psychopathy.
a)Sometimes it takes years to stop blaming yourself,
b)put the blame squarely where it belongs, and
c)be able to step away from what happened, and see it for the horrific abuse that it is.
&
2)She felt safe
This woman seems very strong to me. I think she knows his behavior was horrific, but she has numbed herself to it. Like Athena said, “you think this is bad?” When you’ve been through child abuse, you cut yourself off from a lot of what other people experience as horrific. I don’t think she feels the horror of it, but she does know that other people would be horrified by it.
She is a smart woman and she knew that she was holding an Ace up her sleeve. She waited to play it when she would need it and she ALWAYS knew she would need it. When he tried to take custody of her little sister, that was the cue to play the card.
But concurrently, I don’t think she has a clear understanding of his psychopathy. It takes a long time and lots of study and research to understand psychopathy. I think when she finally does “get it”, you won’t see a smile on her face for a long time. Getting it sets you free but it really does take the wind out of your sails.
Yes, you’re right, it does take the wind out.
It does! In one way you can see the big picture, but it’s soo different from the way you viewed people, life and events that it takes time for the brain to adapt. Not to mention how all of a sudden the traumas of the past start surfacing. It is as if you only then realize you’ve been traumatized and feeling all the pain that got hidden into nooks and crannies before that as you bogged along. And then it all starts to crumble down around you. But eventually it’s necessary to truly rebuild yourself and your life. But the realization of what is the truth of it all works like a tidal wave that keeps nothing standing in its path of destruction: the relationship was like an earthquake under water, the aftermath is a tsunami
Apparently, the statute of limitations on reporting a crime like this is 5 years, so he cannot be prosecuted. This is extremely unfair. Society is not at a place yet of supporting victims of abuse. The only recourse for anyone who has actually been through it is to release the trauma physically and energetically, so it cannot hurt them anymore. The perpetrator, aside from having to serve prison time, should be mandated to pay for the therapy for the victim. Does not look like this is happening, even 35 years after my similar abuse by my stepfather.
We have no other choice but to be responsible for our own healing, because it doesn’t look as if we are going to get much support from the outside world.
Stargazer:
You got it! No one else is going to help us. It is totally up to us to heal ourselves. We are all going to get there…I know we are. Hugs to you.
Louise, I love your positive energy. Really the only way to empower ourselves is to take responsibility for our own healing. And those who are politically inclined can fight the good fight out there in the world. 🙂
P.S. I have decided instead of “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” to set a standard for how I want my latin lover to treat me. I told him I will be watching some movies in spanish at my house on Sunday and invited him. I told him he would have to let me know a day in advance if he could make it. If he waited till the last minute (like he usually does), I would just say, “Sorry, I have plans”. I will see if I can train him to treat me the way I want to be treated.
As it is, he got back to me today and said yes. So now I’m really excited about the date!!! I think it’s up to us women to teach men how we want them to treat us. Most of them just don’t have a clue. I really hope I can break through the language barrier and get to know him better and have some genuine intimacy. But I’m still open to dating other men, if an interesting one comes along. I’m really hesitant to sleep with him again until I am convinced there is some sort of commitment happening. I doubt it will ever get to this point. But how cool is it to date someone from another culture? I hate to say, but I really don’t care much for American men.
Sarah999:
This is just my take on the situation. The judge was taking Hillary’s mom to court for custody of their 10 year old daughter. Mom knew about the tape. Mom enlists the help of trauma bonded Hillary to make a veiled threat to the judge, telling him she has a tape of the beating. Hillary threatens to go public and the Judge did not react as anticipated. Instead he double dog dared Hillary to make it public. The rest is history. Shalom