Those abused by family members and romantic partners seek information on this site trying to understand the personality of their abuser. They wonder is he/she a sociopath? Does a personality disorder explain why this happened to me?
The answers to these questions are often hard to come by. Experts require “proof” of a set of personality traits before diagnosing someone with a disorder. Yet in my opinion, we have an obligation to the victims of abuse to explain to them that abusers are not “normal” people who are simply misguided in their attempts to “help” others. Abuse is often perpetrated by sociopaths under the guise of “helping.”
This week a young lady 23-year-old Hillary Adams, posted a video on Youtube of her abuser perpetrating violence against her. When you watch the video keep in mind that the abuser is also a judge. The video is very difficult to watch but it is a gift because it allows us to see firsthand the abuser’s pathos.
Please watch the video and then continue reading.
Consider whether you also see what I see here:
1. A perpetrator that enjoyed hurting another with a victim that had been in this roll before.
2. Motivated by the orgasm of power, perpetrator actually used the word submission.
3. There were many sexual overtones, the word f*** was repeated over and over; “get on the bed”; “bend over the bed”; “roll over”; “I never got my licking on her”; “I’m going to wear your F****** a** off with this belt”.
4. Perpetrator wanted to give her a “glass of water” so he could continue to perpetrate. When the BTK killer described this behavior, I coined it the glass of water phenomenon. Shows the appearance of empathy, but its goal is to get the victim to recover enough to be abused further.
5. “You don’t deserve to be in this house” no she doesn’t this much is true.
Do you agree with me that this should be prosecuted as a sex offense? Isn’t that justified by the words the body part and the setting?
What more do we need to see or know to understand this man’s disorder?
Mother has since divorced him, both mother and daughter spoke exclusively with Matt Lauer on TODAY Thursday about the furor the video has caused and the reasons for posting it seven years after it was taken.
Stargazer:
I do 100% agree to your comment…”Most of them just don’t have a clue.” I have found that about sex. Not to be too graphic or personal and I haven’t been with a lot of men in my life, but the ones I have been with really have no idea what to do. If you don’t guide them, you may as well forget it! They really are clueless and not just in the bedroom. Maybe this is the secret, huh?? If a guy is a spath, there is no training, but a “normal” man can definitely be trained; I truly believe that and I have seen other women do it with their boyfriends or husbands. It truly is up to us…EVERYTHING is up to us. Not just with men, but with everything in our lives. If we don’t do it, who will? No one is going to take care of us but ourselves.
Good luck on your date. This guy sounds like he has potential and I swear we must be twins…I also do not care for American men…how weird is this??? I think we are the minority as far as feeling this way though.
Louise, I’ve had a few truly great lovers in my time. One is the Canadian guy I met in Costa Rica. Another is a guy I dated for 6 months about 7 years ago. But they are rare. The rest – like my neighbor that I was crushing on for a long time – are completely clueless. The expectation of this latin guy is that he will fail. He will really need to step up to the plate if he wants to date me. I don’t see it happening. But you never know. 🙂 I do enjoy his company. He doesn’t smother me or control me. We always have fun together. His energy is very light-hearted and gentle.
And don’t you know the Canadian guy from Costa Rica STILL contacts me? He wrote me about a month ago saying he is back in Canada to use up his return ticket. He said that even though we have parted ways, he will always treasure me. Naturally, this stirred up my feelings because I consider him one of the great loves of my life. After a few emails back and forth, I found out by accident that he is planning on flying his Costa Rican gf out to Canada to marry him before Xmas. I don’t think he intended for me to know. It hurt me, and I finally asked him not to write to me anymore. It killed me to do it, but I was still entertaining some hope. I just cannot be his platonic friend. I can do it with some exes but not with him.
Stargazer:
Sigh. Hope. I know what you mean. Good for you by telling him not to contact you anymore. I mean, he is getting married after all and he made his choice of who he wants so let him go. I really am a firm believer in “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” We never know what will happen down the road.
Yep, it is extremely hard if not impossible to be platonic friends with exes we had so much chemistry with or feelings for. It just doesn’t work. It’s best to go totally NC and let fate take its course.
Shalom ~ I 110% agree with your take on this situation.
Shalom,
I also agree except I don’t think the mother knew about the tape. The young woman is definitely the one with the brains here. Her mom… not so much.
Sky ~
Don’t you think possibly that the mom knew, but seeing it didn’t make her look “very good” (for better words) either that she would not have wanted it used UNTIL something like a custody dispute came up?
Not at all sure here, just wondering what you think.
Milo,
It is possible that she knew.
I’m only observing the mother’s reactions and her history. She really seems like she has not had much control of her life. Even now, the daughter is providing her “rescue” from the abusive husband’s attempt at custody. The daughter on the other hand, has had the wherewithal to overcome her cerebal palsy and become a gifted pianist. She had it in her to tape the beating which she predicted was coming. She had (apparently) managed to get support from her dad as well as a mercedes. She has stood up to him and warned him about the tape. The fact that she kept it and didn’t use it for so many years, shows that she has patience and tenacity.
Of course anything is possible, I’m only looking at it from what little we know about their characters – so far.
Louise, it has been a relief to let him go. I finally let go of any hopes about the neighbor, too. So I have stopped obsessing about him. The down side that is if either of them approached me and admitted feelings for me, it would be too late. I have already moved on. I want to be present for whatever the day brings. I can’t believe all the time – months and even years – wasted longing and pining for these men. Ugh. I wish I could get those years back. I understand when people talk about how bonded they were to their spaths and how they don’t think they will ever have that feeling again. Well there is NO CHANCE of ever having it if you are hanging on to the past. That’s been the catch 22 of my life. I have had the past tendency to long and pine for men I didn’t have. By longing and pining, I could live in a fantasy world of an unrequited love that could never be. I didn’t actually take responsibility and go after the guy I wanted, so I could move on. NO! Instead, I just longed and pined. It’s very romantic. And totally self-sabotaging.
Stargazer:
I totally get what you are saying. I have done the same thing. My thing is that I am not attracted to someone very easily; it takes a special something in someone for me to even begin to want to get to know them better. So it is rare for me to connect with anyone that I want to “go after.” So it’s harder for me personally to move on. I just know and have faith for me that it will all pan out the way it is supposed to. For me, things tend to eventually work themselves out even if it does take years…haha. Thank God I am a patient person. I do get what you are saying about if they ever do come around it will be too late. The feelings can’t stay there forever. The feelings do fade and then poof, they are gone. It’s almost karma the way they tend to come back once the feelings are gone, but by then, it’s too late.
MiLo,
This whole ADAMS FAMILY situation is to me a totally dysfunctional situation.
First off keep in mind that I have NOT WATCHED THE TAPE, I can’t do it…have only read about it. But just the “story” of the daughter KNOWING IN ADVANCE that the dad would “beat her” and having the presence of mind to cover the video camera in advance of the beating makes me wonder if she did the “bad act” knowing that he would find out, and SET UP the beating so she could tape it.
The mother’s participation as the “victim” of the father is still very DISTURBING to me. I realize that there is trauma bonding and she may have been a victim like that, BUT they put the WIFE of Jaycee Dugard’s kidnapper in prison as well as him, because she PARTICIPATED. I think she may also have been a stockholm syndrome case, BUT you know, that doesn’t give one a FREE PASS for their behavior. What if that girl had been killed in the beating? would the mother have also been guilty?
So you know, I think there is a BUNCH of stuff going on here that there may be some ULTERIOR MOTIVES being hidden by the outcry over what the Judge did.
Of course I don’t think he should be on the bench.
Of course I do NOT think he should even have supervised visitation with the 10 yr old.
But I am not so sure the MOTHER ought to have unsupervised custody of that younger child either.