Those abused by family members and romantic partners seek information on this site trying to understand the personality of their abuser. They wonder is he/she a sociopath? Does a personality disorder explain why this happened to me?
The answers to these questions are often hard to come by. Experts require “proof” of a set of personality traits before diagnosing someone with a disorder. Yet in my opinion, we have an obligation to the victims of abuse to explain to them that abusers are not “normal” people who are simply misguided in their attempts to “help” others. Abuse is often perpetrated by sociopaths under the guise of “helping.”
This week a young lady 23-year-old Hillary Adams, posted a video on Youtube of her abuser perpetrating violence against her. When you watch the video keep in mind that the abuser is also a judge. The video is very difficult to watch but it is a gift because it allows us to see firsthand the abuser’s pathos.
Please watch the video and then continue reading.
Consider whether you also see what I see here:
1. A perpetrator that enjoyed hurting another with a victim that had been in this roll before.
2. Motivated by the orgasm of power, perpetrator actually used the word submission.
3. There were many sexual overtones, the word f*** was repeated over and over; “get on the bed”; “bend over the bed”; “roll over”; “I never got my licking on her”; “I’m going to wear your F****** a** off with this belt”.
4. Perpetrator wanted to give her a “glass of water” so he could continue to perpetrate. When the BTK killer described this behavior, I coined it the glass of water phenomenon. Shows the appearance of empathy, but its goal is to get the victim to recover enough to be abused further.
5. “You don’t deserve to be in this house” no she doesn’t this much is true.
Do you agree with me that this should be prosecuted as a sex offense? Isn’t that justified by the words the body part and the setting?
What more do we need to see or know to understand this man’s disorder?
Mother has since divorced him, both mother and daughter spoke exclusively with Matt Lauer on TODAY Thursday about the furor the video has caused and the reasons for posting it seven years after it was taken.
Since the abuse happened frequently. I’m sure there were cases of abuse, that were 5 years or closer to the present time. She need only testify to them.
I don’t think the 5 year issue is an issue.
Oxy,
I’m in no way condoning the mother’s behavior in the video, (she should’ve stood up to the abuser) but I noticed something interesting about it.
She is standing in the room, telling the girl to take the spanking. Then she says she wants to spank the girl too and she takes the belt from the father. She tells the girl to lay down on her stomach and hits her ONE TIME. The father asks for the belt back but she doesn’t give it to him. He repeatedly asks for the belt and she doesn’t give it to him. So he goes out and gets another one.
I don’t believe she is even aware that she is trying to protect the girl through her trauma-bonding behaviors. She is bonding with him to try to assauge his rage. It doesn’t really work, but it’s very interesting to see that she didn’t give the belt back.
I don’t think anyone would ever set themselves up for such a beating with a belt. She had been beaten enough times before that she could see it coming and knew she wasn’t going to escape that abuse for several more years.
I think this girl was using her abuse with her father (and maybe even the tape) to extort financial “help” and a “fancy car” from her father and when they got into a conflict (over the sister’s custody or not) she threatened him with her TRUMP card, and he “dared” her so she either had to USE her trump card, or back down….
That’s the thing about trying to “control” a psychopath even with a trump card like that. My “Trump card” was to threaten to hire an attorney to FIGHT my son’s parole….I PLAYED IT….and once it is played it is not there, and if it doesn’t WORK to control them (in my case it didn’t) you are OUT OF CARD TRICKS! So this girl can PUNISH her father for taking away her money, but she can’t make him give back the money. So I think there is MORE DYSFUNCTION there than may meet the eye at first glance, I think the whole group of the “Adams family” is as dysfunctional or more so than the TV show of that name.
Sky, we posted over each other….but ass for the deliberately provoking a beating like that, I DID IT SO YEP, IT CAN BE DONE. When I was 15 I provoked my egg donor to hit me with a belt, and she did, and I KNEW AS SOON AS I CRIED SHE WOULD QUIT, but I decided deliberately to NOT CRY and instead when she hit me, I COUNTED THE LICKS, ONE, TWO, THREE, ETC. and she got so OUT OF CONTROL the described beating on the video tape is about what I think she did, Spit was literally flying out of her mouth and she was hitring me with the buckle end of a “rodeo belt” across my bare back. I was sitting on a stool, with just my jeans and a bra on with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. Eventually my step father heard her screaming from another room and came in and saw what she was doing and pulled her off me and out of the room.
So yes, a person CAN provoke that kind of beating, and believe me if I’d had a video camera available in those days, I’d have used it to tape that.
My egg donor still believes that she did RIGHT with the beating though, and the fire still flies out of her eyes if you mention it to her, which I did a few years ago. Until I brought it up, it had never again been mentioned in the family or talked about. She definantly said “WELL, you LIED TO ME!” I said, “NO, I didn’t LIE to you, I SASSED you, but what you did to me was uncalled for no matter what I had done.” Standing up to her even 45 years later was part of what allowed me to go no contact with her, to disconnect from the abuse as “justified” and to realize that she NEVER loved me, nurtured me or cared for me. I “knew” it I think as early as age 5, but I was in denial about it because it is too threatening to realize that a parent doesn’t love you.
As for the wife “protecting” the girl, I think you are PROJECTING your thoughts onto her behaviors. (((hugs)))
Oxy ~
I have not viewed, or do I plan on viewing the video. I have listened to the news stories and read what has been on here, that is enough. I don’t need to see it to believe it.
Nor have I ever been in the mother’s position, but I would like to think, make that pretty damn sure, that I would have been coming up behind the jerk and hitting him over the head with something large and heavy, before I would have watched him beat the crap out of my child.
I think of the women on here, that FIGHT for the lives of their kids every day and stop at nothing to protect them. These women have been abused by the very men they are protecting their children from. So for me to feel any empathy for this woman, I feel would be betraying these women that we feel are our friends.
If that makes any sense. I think you are right, I’m not sure if either of them should be raising another child, maybe they should give custody of the 10 year old to the twenty three year old, with LOTS of child support.
Ok ~ we are all posting at the same time – one more thing did any one else feel that posting it on YouTube, was maybe not the ideal avenue/venue for the exposure. What about the police, judicial review of the bar association, something other than where people post funny pictures of their kids or pets. Maybe it is just my advanced age, I don’t know.
Oxy,
people who grow up with N’s for parents can often figure out what makes them tick. According to one article, the father was providing financial assistance while she continued to practice and study music.
According to her, at some point she decided to quit her music studies and instead found a job and that’s when he became abusive again.
It sounds to me like he is a controlling asshole who continues to attempt to control his ex-wife and grown daughter, using money. Reminds me of my parents.
MiLo,
I’m with you on that, I think I would also be coming up behind him with a club or a gun! BUT, I don’t guess we can KNOW what we would do until a situation is actually THERE, but I do NOT have much in the way of empathy or sympathy for that mother either.
As for the 23 year old raising the child, I’m not sure there is a person in the whole family that I think would be a good parent. The father surely not and the mother not much better in my opinion and a girl that had grown up to age 23 with those two for parents? Nah, not hardly. Even an ordinary 23 year old would be a hard choice, much less one that grew up in that nest of vipers. That child at age 10 has probably ALREADY seen more violence than many of us will see in our life times. That child needs I think specialized therapy and a safe environment aWAY from both mommie dearest and daddy dearest and sissie dearest!
yep, we’re all posting over each other.
Oxy, I don’t think I’m projecting. Really, you would have to watch the video to see what I mean about her trying to protect the girl in her own wishy washy way.
Milo, that’s also the reason why I don’t think she has any brains. She says she was brainwashed – lol, but as you said, the correct response would have been to hit him with a heavy object on the head. She’s not evil, just really, really stupid.
As far as where she posted it, it went on a site called Reddit and that’s where it went viral. The judge is an EVIL idiot who is afraid of computers and technology (says so on the video). He had no clue how powerful the internet is. Now he does. He also had no clue how smart his daughter is, now he does.
Oxy!!
WHY would you provoke your mother into beating you?
I don’t understand.