UPDATED FOR 2025. If you share children with a sociopath, you may have seen the other parent be negligent, or even abusive, toward the kids. Concerned for their wellbeing, you may be thinking about going to court to reduce his or her access. Is this a good idea? Today I’m going to explain 20 issues that you should seriously consider before taking a sociopath to court.
Lovefraud once received the following email:
I was previously married to a sociopath, and we have a 4-year old son together. I have sole legal and physical custody of our son, but have been fighting to reduce the amount of visitation for quite some time. I recently read that having a forensic psychological analysis done on the entire family would reveal that my ex is a sociopath and possibly prevent him from having ANY visitation going forward. Is this true, in your experience? Do you have any advice for me as I embark on this process?
Many, many Lovefraud readers have realized to their horror that they’ve had a child or children with a sociopath. Once you realize that your former partner has a serious personality disorder, and that this person is incapable of feeling love, even for the children, your natural instinct is to want to protect the children from him or her.
Figuring out how to do it, however, is incredibly difficult. Following is a list of points to consider whenever you are contemplating taking a sociopath to court.
The sociopath
1. The sociopath’s objective is to win — whatever he or she regards to be winning at the time. It may mean not only winning the court battle, but winning in a way that leaves you crushed, broken and destitute.
2. The sociopath is capable of doing absolutely anything in order to win. This includes lying under oath, accusing you of doing things that you never did, convincing other people to lie (knowingly or unknowingly), falsifying documents, threatening you and the children, and more.
3. Sociopaths often love going to court. For them it’s great drama, an opportunity to be on stage, and they are terrific actors. Sociopaths can break into tears, crying about how much they love and miss the children, even though they totally ignored the kids while you all lived together, or perhaps even abused them. They can discuss your “mental problems” in a voice dripping with concern, even though the only thing wrong with you is him — or her.
4. Sociopaths usually pursue child custody for one or both of these reasons: They want to maintain control over you by controlling the kids, or they don’t want to pay you child support.
5. A typical sociopathic strategy is to keep dragging you into court simply to cost you money. The idea is to bleed your finances until you can no longer afford to fight.
The law
6. Parental rights are protected by the U.S. Constitution. According to ParentalAdvocates.org:
The U.S. Supreme Court long ago noted that a parent’s right to “the companionship, care, custody, and management of his or her children” is an interest “far more precious” than any property right.
Know that if you’re attempting to keep your partner away from the children, Constitutional Law is not on your side.
7. No provision in the Constitution says children are entitled to loving care, or even safety, from their parents.
Judges
8. In Family Court, judges are the kings, and you are a serf. Judges have wide discretion to decide what will happen to you, your kids and your money. Their decisions are law, and other judges are loath to change or reverse any court ruling.
9. Most judges do not understand sociopaths and how they behave (just like everyone else in the world — including you before you met your partner). Many judges believe that sociopaths are hardened criminal or murderers. So if you say that your partner is a sociopath, and he or she hasn’t killed anyone, the judge will likely think that you are exaggerating and are simply being vindictive against your former partner.
10. Most judges, like most people, believe that children should have both of their parents, so they often want to keep both parents in the lives of children. Even if a sociopath has physically abused the spouse, if the children themselves haven’t been injured, and sometimes even if they have been injured, judges may not keep the kids away from the abuser.
11. Numerous scientific studies seem to “prove” that children do better when both parents are in their lives. Unfortunately, most of these studies do not consider whether a parent is disordered. On the other hand, there is very little research indicating that sociopaths make terrible parents. So you may go to all the trouble of proving your ex is a sociopath, only to have the judge say, “So? That doesn’t make him (or her) a bad parent.”
12. You can line up all your proof, evidence and psychological reports — and a judge can disregard all of it, deciding your case the way he or she wants to.
13. For all of these reasons, who you get as a judge matters a lot. When you know whom your judge is, you should find out everything you can about him or her. They are supposed to be impartial, but that isn’t always the case. Some judges are biased against men. Some are biased against women. Some judges will listen to kids, some will not. This person holds your fate in his or her hands. If you know the judge you will be dealing with, take that into consideration before deciding how to proceed in any matter.
Lawyers
14. Be very, very careful about choosing a lawyer. Some lawyers are dedicated to serving their clients. But some lawyers are only interested in making money. You should shop around and get referrals — preferably from someone with a case like yours. If you feel at all uncomfortable with a lawyer, or if you feel that the person does not believe or respect you, do not retain that lawyer.
15. In dealing with a sociopath, lawyers must be up for the challenge. They must understand that the sociopath will stall, delay, fail to produce documents and ignore court orders. Lawyers should never assume that sociopaths are going to do what they’re supposed to do. Sociopaths believe that the rules do not apply to them.
16. Somehow, many sociopaths manage to find sociopathic lawyers. This means not only will the sociopath do anything in order to win, but so will the lawyer.
The court industry
17. The court sometimes isn’t just the court — it’s an entire network of psychologists, experts, guardians ad litem, parenting coordinators and others. In some cases, all these people just keep each other in business — at your expense.
18. Research shows that whoever pays for a report gets the report that they want.
Psychologists and other experts
19. Many psychologists do not understand sociopaths. They do not understand the experience of being targeted by a sociopath. They do not understand how sociopaths affect children. If you are going to retain a psychologist, make sure they get it.
20. Sociopaths are quite capable of manipulating psychologists. Sociopaths can play the victim, talk about loving their children, paint you as the person with problems — and some psychologists will swallow it all, hook, line and sinker.
Justice may not prevail
For all of these reasons, you need to have your eyes wide open before making any decision about embarking on a court action. You cannot assume that your experience in court will be about doing what is right, discovering the truth or protecting the children.
Going to court is always a crapshoot. It may cost you thousands and thousands of dollars, and you may end up with nothing.
Therefore, pick your court battles carefully. Better yet, do your best to anticipate potential problems and head them off early.
Learn more: Protect your children after divorce with a comprehensive parenting plan
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 6, 2014.
FREE introduction to ‘Skills training for recovery from narcissistic abuse’
Ain’t-
You are an instrument of God in your children’s lives. Knowing that you are doing what you feel is best is the only way you’ll have peace with the outcome, even if that outcome looks different than you thought it would.
Joyce
Good article.
Yes I just made a thread about a week ago about struggling with my decision not to fight my ex in court. We did not have children so there were no custody issues but there were major financial issues. However he was threatening me and I knew that he would do anything to win. He does not care about the law or about morals or the truth. It’s very difficult and expensive to fight someone who has no morals and no regard for the law. I knew he would lie under oath, hide or destroy evidence, bribe witnesses, hide or squander money etc. So ultimately I decided not to fight and to just give him what he wants and be done with him. But looking back I don’t know if it was really the right decision. Maybe it would have been better to fight. But I was afraid and not strong enough at the time.
Sept4 – We make the best decisions we can at the time. Yes, it would have been very difficult.
Wow I see my comment from 4 years ago here. Now it is 2025 and I am still struggling with the same issue, I still regret not going to court to pursue my rights.
To anyone considering the issue my advice would be YES GO TO COURT AND PURSUE YOUR RIGHTS TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW.
Do not let injustice go and do not waive your rights but FIGHT for Justice and for what you are entitled to,
Probably my biggest life regret is not going to court to pursue my rights against my sociopath ex. It’s too late now but I wish I could turn back time and fight.