REGISTER | LOGIN
By | September 10, 2009 187 Comments

It Wasn’t You

(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)

It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.

He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.

It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.

You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).

And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.

Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!

Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!

And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded withhis warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.

And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.

And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.

And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.

It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.

And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.

And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.

And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).

You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.

When it never was. When it was him. Always.


187
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of

Steve,

Excellent post, and a powerful message!

breckgirl

Thank you. Ever so gently it started with a look, an abruptness. Oh what have I done I thought – he must be angry, he is taking his love away – I must have done something wrong – what could it be what could it be? I’ll submit, be obedient, comply and maybe – just maybe he will bring back the smiles and affection and his anger will dissipate and I will be loved again.

I never had to call my other girlfriends those names he said. (Oh they must have been better than me – but where are they???) You make me call you those things. Don’t make me call you that he said. And where are they? I asked. No answer. But I was there – I had won the prize had I not?

I engaged – “I don’t make you do that – you choose to do that” I would say. And I was thinking I was oh so smart to point that out to him, not realizing by staying I was – STAYING in an abusive environment and telling him he had permission to continue in that way with me.

I tried and tried to decode the formula, like a Pavlovian trained dog – or a rat in some experiment I kept pushing at the lever working oh so hard for a reward. Working working working – carrying his load in life – running his business and mine, cooking and cleaning at his house and mine, shopping, paying bills for him and for me, raising my kids with no help from him – being distracted from taking care of them properly by him. Working working working – while he played with his buddies and used drugs and used drugs and cheated and used drugs and cheated and oh look he is paying attention to me – Yippeeeee we had sex.

OMG – I am so guilty. So so so guilty of accepting this in my life, of degrading myself.

Thank you you sociopathic narcissistic [email protected]@rd – you helped me immensely. You wore me out and I can no longer tolerate bad behaviour. I have been able to finally heal from childhood – being raised by an N-Dad and an alcoholic and possibly N-Mom – thank you you selfish vile excuse for a man. You have destroyed my dreams and set me free simultaneously.

I pity you and I hate you – you disgust me. I am afraid of you – that you will not go quietly away and leave me in peace. I dread your release from jail – living 4 blocks from me and I must go through an intersection daily to leave my neighborhood that you must on the other side also use. I dread the ringing of the phone – the words unknown or blocked on my mobile phone. My stomache clenches when I see that.

I wonder how I could ever explain this to another and I have fear – will you bother me more if you should know there is another? Would you bother him? And should the day come I have to protect and defend myself (and I am prepared) I wonder how anyone healthy would want to get close to me knowing what I am capable of to protect my children, my home, my life.

Thank you LF for being here and giving me a safe space to learn – to know I am not the only one. I have been alone in this so very long. I am educating my daughters. I pray they have enough backbone and self love to never tolerate the crap I tolerated hoping that someone would love me back. Now I know – I have to love me enough first and I think I do – but I’m afraid there too – how do I know until I try again and by trying again I am risking myself, my freedom, my mental health, peace, sanity…

I wonder where I will be – on my internal map – in another year.
The lines on my face deeper, the hair grayer – you took me from the last years of my youth and aged me…hardened me…

Gave me wisdom.

Thank you.

Ox Drover

Dear Steve,

A MASTER PIECE! Absolutely!—and it applies even if it is not our lover or spouse, but our child, our friend, etc. It is never about us, it is about them, and how twisted our beliefs become so that we come to BELIEVE it is us, that we are the problem by objecting to bad treatment—emotionally, physically, mentally, financially—- in every way.

This so connects to everything I believe NOW—and to what I believed THEN. But how painful the THEN was then, and how good the NOW is. Nothing is different now except my BELIEFS are not tied to a LIE, my beliefs are tied to the TRUTH—the truth that I AM NOT TO BLAME. I am not responsible for them and their behavior. I am only responsible for fixing myself, not for fixing them, not for providing for their needs at the expense of my own.

I realize I can DO the “unthinkable”—I can take back my love for the false portrait of themselves that they presented to me. I can take back the love I felt for someone who did not deserve my love. Best of all, I can love myself, and love those who love me back.

Great article!

newlife08

Steve,

I have to admit to being one of the many you are speaking of….you’ve drawn out many of the demons I have struggled with and put them in a form I can’t help but recognize……
painful as it may be….

You are so adept at reading the private journal of our minds – your insight NEVER ceases to amaze me.

I did all of the above – I suppose to avoid what I feared would and did eventually happen – the relationship would disintegrate completely.

I thought if I could be more pleasant, less confronting, less questioning, more attractive, lose weight, work out, find new recipes, change the bedroom around, touch up my hair and makeup before he got home , buy prettier nightwear , a new perfume – I changed so many things for him – but none of it worked. I kept reaching for the magic that would get him to SEE ME and that I loved him ……

None of it worked, I wore myself out and I think the more I tried the more impatient and contemptuous he became towards me.

And , yes, the control – I see it now but wasn’t so conscious of it then. I could not face the idea that he didn’t love me – I looked at it as though maybe I took him for granted and needed to win him over . It was in my power to change myself and my behaviors – to look back and regret all the things he threw in my face. and vow once again to be someone lovely to come home to…

Every now and then I WOULD get the recognition I sought – a kiss hello, a call during the day, maybe even a compliment.

But it never lasted very long – maybe weeks or a few months at best. And as I now know, nothing I did ever made him end his affair or pursuit of new ones.

In the end I was left with the same old feelings – I just wasn’t what he wanted, what he needed, wasn’t SEEN by him for all the good things we had in our life – kids, a home , 22 years together, all we had accomplished – I was just a good business partner for him -no more.

I thank God every day there is someone like you, Steve, with such compassion and understanding, so knowledgeable and willing to help us heal.

blueskies

Wonderful!! Powerful writing. I am replacing ‘him’ with ‘it’ though,when I read ,because it applies to all of these creatures, mother, father, lover,child, friend. xxx Beautiful piece of work. This will help a lot of readers.xx Sometimes I come here to read, and it seems there is a post that could have been written especially, at JUST the right time. This is one. Thanks so much Steve:)x

Steve,
What a gift you have been given with truth. While I read your words and they were once a part of my thought process, it feels wonderful that they no longer are. I hardly think of him, and when I do, it is only an old habit, and I can remind myself to thank God for the gift of release from the bondage which held me so tightly for 42 years.
I was in a religious cult for 16 years while married to this sociopath. I was so greatful when I left, and even more greatful when not only was I out of the cult, but the cult was out of me. So, too, with my ex-husband. Not only is he gone physically, but he no longer holds a place in my heart or emotions. The relief and gratitude I feel is indescribable. It is as if I were addicted to a toxic substance that was killing me, only to be freed and set on the path to a new life flowing with hope and joy and peace.
There are no words to describe the gratitude to the folks at Lovefraud for the assistance, love and acceptance I received. It only took me 3 weeks to move on to the other side once I put NC into place. I’ve never looked back.
I wish to encourage others still on the journey to persevere, as there IS another side just around the bend.

recovering

Hello breckgirl: Your words beautifully convey the journey of facing oneself, one’s fears and coming into wisdom as a result of such an experience with a N/S. I am surprised with each day of emotional detachment that I experience away from a man who once meant the possibility for a future together, whom I now view as a “ghost” of a person….I do not think of him as having much substance any longer. I’m surprised by this turn of events within my psyche as the emotional charge has diminished with these realizations. Surprised that in practicing detachment, I am releasing old expectations, not personalizing who someone else was/is, and seeing so much more clearly with each passing day who I was/am and want to be despite the experience with a NPD.

PInow

It has almost been a year. I am stronger than I ever was. I am better able to take on and tolerate stress and challenges. Having suffered the Ultimate betrayal on every front, I have decided that neither the poor economy, nor lack of a serious relationship, nor work problems are worth my tears. I am no longer afraid of life, because I see myself as a survivor. It was a bit ME, but if it weren’t, it’d be someone else. I take responsibility for my own mistakes easier, I accept my shortcomings; I am OK with being who I am for the most part.

Several of you have talked about going on a real date. This is so problematic for me still. I never liked dating, but I feel a desire for adult companionship. I don’t miss sex as much as I did at first, and I know that it may never be as good as it was with him. But, what worries me the most is inability to trust myself. I no longer trust my own judgment and so – every single word my date utters seems to be a red flag. I second guess myself, trying to figure out if it is the PTSD that makes me so fearful, or a real red flag. At the end, I cannot trust any man I meet, whether through work or pleasure. I have sabotaged at least three potential relationships/ friendships, and am contemplating doing it again. It’s almost like I need to make sure that they are not a P. Ps want to win. So, he’d come back. If they don’t, they are not a P. Well, if they don’t, do I contact them and say: “Oh, you just passed the Red Flag test.” That is stupid. I am stuck. Any cures?

skylar

PInow, I’m so happy for your new strength! It gives me hope.

Dating is still a big question with me. The guy who takes me out knew me long ago, but he may get tired of hearing about the P pretty soon. I can’t help it, I really think of very little else. Everything I see around me reminds me of P’s. How sad. He is writing a script. I keep suggesting P-related character ideas or P-related insights. He’s gonna get sick of me. I’ll probably have to use sex just to keep him around. LOL! Of course that may backfire if I’m no good at it anymore – after a P, you’re libido gets confused, it blames itself for putting you in danger, I think.

PInow

See, right there… Skylar: “he may get tired of hearing about the P pretty soon”. I’d be like: he’s not tired YET, this means RED FLAG: my P set out to get me and did – at whatever cost (3am my emotional rantings, any time of day, any day of the week – he made himself available to me, totally, entirely, proclaiming his undying love, modeling utmost organization and patience, accepting any and all … By the time I realized I was disarmed, I was deeply – head over heals in love with him, and willing to overlook manipulation, lies, cheating, emotional abuse, & did I mention – cheating, manipulation, etc. you get the pic. By the time he became a leach in my life, I was happy to be his provider – milking cow. So, now – the better they treat me, the further I run…

Cute analogy with the Libido getting confused. In fact, for the first time ever I was able to manage few totally emotionless sexual encounters. It felt strange to be able to not engage emotionally at all. It felt wrong and disappointing. “Poor” Ps – they have to do it all the time… My libido decided it was not worth the risks involved and the social norms to be broken. Red Flag (sigh). Maybe, I am not ready yet… Wonder if this too shall pass.

hens

Steve – this is a very good article – thank you. Breckgirl your post was spell bounding, thank you for your honesty. PInow it is too soon for you too even think about dating, give yourself some time alone and get to know you, you need more time than one year. The time will come when you wont be on P alert, but give yourself time.

breckgirl

Steve – I shared your post with my therapist this AM.

She was really amazed at how you got it.

She is a wonderful therapist – I feel like she has helped me to save my life.

We have also discussed how “people” as in the general public just don’t usually get it or have an awareness of sociopathy / psychopathy and really how in a sense everyday it is. Anyway – she thought what you wrote was terrific – as I obviously do – it echoes so much of what I am feeling/thinking/going through. (As I posted above).

Thank you again – thanks to Donna and Dr. Leedom. I am so grateful for the knowledge and the support.

Dearest Steve,

How kind you are to share even more insight upon the unhealthy, spiritually draining dynamic between a predator and his/her string of victims. There always will be victims before, during and after for these fiends. Always.

They are incorrigible, therefore a waste of finite time, emotional and rational, logical depth, and precious resources.

Don’t know about the rest of you awesome peeps but I’m sooo DONE with all the crap, the melodrama, the insanity created by PDIs. I have happily shed the tenuous hope I attached upon toxic, harmful, dangerous predators.

I’ve become the “just walk away” gal and it is empowering to my mind, my heart and my spirit to do just that.

Thank you, Steve, for your continued compassion and concern for good, decent and loving people.

And to you, Miss Donna, for being a stalwart warrior and inspiration for all of us who are hurting or who once hurt, but are now healing tremendously.

I love you folks. All of you.

🙂

breckgirl

Thank you Henry – funny how there are days when something here just fits where I am like a glove.

And to recovering – yes I am noticing now a sense of detachment about so many things (except for my darling children) – in an odd way – not numb but I guess I am becoming more of an observer.

I was at a 12 step group meeting last night (I am a recovered alcoholic with 17 years clean and sober – I was lucky and got sober in my mid twenties)…and shortly before it began a man verbally attacked me, very openly and viciously and for no reason. He runs that meeting right now, and he has significant sobriety time like me – others were as shocked as I was. I calmly let it pass even though inside I felt upset but in the oddest way – I noticed my upset but also I was so clearly aware that it was not about me – that he has some serious issues (I don’t know this man except by name and he does not know me…but obviously something is bothering him…) Two people came to me later – they were upset as well and I just calmly told them it was okay – this was about him not me. Later in the meeting towards the end he was exceedingly rude to another gentleman.

One of my girlfriends, who was so bothered, showed up at my home about 20 minutes after I got home. She was more upset for me than I was and she brought me flowers. It was such a nice, loving gesture. I am lucky to be cared for – to have concern for my feelings by another person – it really touched me – I joked and told her I should tell him he is welcome to publicly scream at me anytime as it gets me flowers… 🙂

BUT The nicest thing was – I did not take it personally, it did not crush me, I was affected but in a healthy way – and I am getting better and better about recognizing and withdrawing from people who harm others.

I truly believe as awful and devastating as my experience with my Narcissiopath has been it has really been like President Reagan (whatever you may think of him) at the Brandenburg Gate when he said – Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall – and they started to tear down the wall between east and west Berlin. This experience is creating a pivotal change in the course of my beingness – for the better in all areas of my life.

There is still great pain and fear at times – especially about trusting others – particularly men. Fear especially when I am actually attracted to someone – I freeze up and feel nauseated at times. But that is okay – as much as I long for the kind of relationship I imagined my ex and I would be together – I have many moments of longing and grief for that – I am willing to be patient and grow myself healthier every day and wait – and I try to focus on the many good people and things in my life and know that I can enjoy myself – and live with the grief because it is not a mortal wound, it is not an exhausting 24/7 drain on me like he was.

And so yes I am sad at times and yes I am lonely for the physical comfort of a man and yes for the humor and shared jokes and all of that – but I console myself with a good book and a cup of tea – or I snuggle into my children’s beds and hold them for a bit, or I decide now would be an excellent time to clean that closet that so needs it – and I organize and clean and grow myself healthier and healthier and freer and freer ever day.

And I am learning who I am. It is hard to truly let go of your preconceived or implanted in your head voices about who or what you are supposed to do or be and learn what it is that truly brings you joy but I am starting – standing on the precipice of a new life, a new me. A me that feels valuable and loved because I take in the love that has always been there in abundance for me and I reject the voices and people that are devils advocates for my worthlessness and not ever quite making the grade, never being enough – that unending maw of insatiable demands. I am turning my back and marching away from the dark and into the light.

Oh I am sorry this is so long. If you read this far thank you.
I am so very grateful today. *tears and smiles*

Breckgirl…

hopingtoheal

Steve:

This is my first time responding to LF. I’ve been reading posts for a couple of weeks now, but your post was incredibly timely, as my N/S sent me an email this morning saying the following:

“I have no desire to contact you again, as you will only treat me badly again. That is why I came to this account this morning – to let you know that I have realized the truth about you.

You have a long history of convincing yourself that people are all sorts of bad things – which is why you have been engaged so many times and had so many relationships. You can call me all the names you want, I know they are wrong and I have had my eyes opened to the true you in the past four weeks. The liar is the one that completely shuts down within 12 hours of calling the other their best friend and soul mate.

I have never been treated as badly by anyone ever as you have treated me – yet I worked to ignore your treatment for four weeks and you continued to do it. I see now why slinky and sb feel the way about you that they do. This is just like what we talked about – find out what the one consistent thing is and get rid of it – well, the consistent is you. It is not that you “find the wrong guys” as you said – it is how you treat them and how you then convince yourself that they are bad – when they are only responding to your abusive treatment.

Good luck – you will need it.”

This was his response to my breaking NC of 3 weeks to tell him I was glad he found someone else who’s more understanding than me, better in bed, more fun, etc., and to let him know that I knew he was a N/S and a pathological liar (thanks to LF, I’m certain that he is!). He had sent me a particularly nasty email last night about his new girlfriend, and I broke my silence. Now I’m worried about what he’ll do next.

It’s a very long story, all that’s happened between us, so I’ll keep it short for now. Suffice it to say that he has been supremely capable of turning any complaint or concern I ever had into my fault, my own craziness, my own severe troubles. Our 3 year relationship just ended in mid-August, when he broke yet another promise to me and blamed the fact that he broke it on my lack of understanding of his situation, and how if I’d just bail him out financially, he’d make good on that promise. I had just been on vacation with my daughter, where I had a break from talking to him 5 times a day on the phone (at his insistence) and gained some clarity. His breaking of the promise and then gaslighting me on it was the final straw. I saw the light, and then I got online and found this blog.

Thank you to everyone who has written posts and responses. You have helped me to know that I’m not crazy, just way too forgiving of unbelievable bad behavior. I can’t recall who wrote it, but I’m stealing their words: he is a Bad Man, masquerading as a caring socially concerned school administrator. It took me so long to finally be able to listen to my instincts, which screamed at me from the beginning, but he told me that those instincts were wrong, they were the reason why my marriage failed, why I was having trouble with a man at work and that if I just stopped having ‘wrong perceptions’ of him that all would be good.

I felt so sorry for his childhood abuse, his ‘mean wife’ (oh yes, he’s married–I’m a fool), the fact that he just couldn’t trust anyone, his fear of abandonment, etc. I let him play on my empathy, my love and my desire to help. Boy was he good. I’m only starting to understand all the things he said that were lies.

He’s called me non-stop for the past month. It’s been interesting watching him do ALL the things that a N/S does, switching tactics as he didn’t get responses, moving from comments of undying love to how I was just evil and mean for ignoring him, back to how it will never be the same for either of us, after having the perfect love, to the email last night where he tells me he’s replaced me–but is still contacting me!

Ugh. I’ll stop for now, but I have a feeling I’ll be typing more–it feels cathartic to get it out.

May we all truly learn and heal from the torture of these ‘Bad People’.

PInow

Hopingtoheal, Welcome to the site. It’s amazing how much alike many of them are. It could well be any one of the men we, bloggers, dated. or, IS it one and the same? My X’s daughter told me that he will take any and all information he gains about you to turn it around and then use it against you. She also said he does not forget a thing. Sounds familiar?

Good luck with your healing. I am glad your daughter is not subjected to the lies and bitterness these people project.

hopingtoheal

Thanks, PInow. I wish I could say that my daughter isn’t subjected to the lies and bitterness, but unfortunately, her father, my ex-husband, is a true psychopath. (I didn’t learn my lesson from him, and the most recent N/S ‘helped’ me through the divorce–I was weak, sad, depressed, and eager to prove that I was loveable–a real target).

My ex lies to her constantly. The amazing thing is that she, at 9, sees through his behavior and his lies. She’s much more intuitive than I have been, and has labeled his behavior and that of his psychopath girlfriend very well–all without the aid of LF! 🙂

I’m trying so hard to make sure that she doesn’t end up like all of us here have–as a victim. At the same time, I’m trying to encourage her to have empathy and understanding, in an effort to ensure she doesn’t become yet another P. it’s such a fine line to walk.

skylar

I read your post Breckgirl, and I’m impressed at your great attitude to being attacked – you just let it slide and got flowers!

Hoping to heal: welcome, so glad our posts at LF were helpful to you. I’m also amazed at your daughter’s intuitiveness. I’m getting the impression that young people are actually better equipt to learn these lessons than we are – they learn fast and don’t resist the truth. So now it’s up to us to teach them.

The best thing you can do is to tell her, in graphic detail, how to spot a P. Follow that up with exemplary behavior on your part so she has someone to model. Your ability to be the exact opposite of the P and to set boundaries for yourself so that others cannot abuse you, will help her know what to do.

slimone

Steve and All,

Thank-you, Steve, for another exquisite article. This is the line that spoke to me the most: And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.

The most vivid ‘feeling memory’ I have is that of longing, of wanting more from him. Always feeling like if I could just get him to give what he kept dangling in front of me, I would be satisfied.

And so I thought it was me. I thought because I wanted monongamy. Because I bugged him to co-habitate and go the the next ‘step’ in relationship building. Because I wanted to have the time back that he was willing to spend with me the first 6 months, but which dwindled to perfunctory maintenance during the last 4.

As he quickly withdrew his ‘promise’ I appeared to be the insatiable one. This is the amazing trick about their projections. It seems to me they are experts at setting us up to act out their inner sickness. Their emptiness, their loneliness, their anger, their contempt.

So, thank-you a zillion times for helping me, once again, let myself off the hook of blame.

JaneSmith: you are an absolute inspiration and a BEEEOOOOTEEFULL person. I love sharing in your healing, self-respect/love, and strength.

Hopingtoheal: Welcome to LF. That email is at once nauseating and completely ridiculous. All projections and lies. I am so glad you are here. You just continue to treat him ‘badly’ by staying NO contact. He deserves nothing and you deserve to have your life back.

neveragain

Hopingtoheal….Good for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not falling for that email. GEEZ. TOTAL PROJECTION. Ass backwards. WOW! That is one of those jaw-dropping emails that lets you know you are truly with a disturbed person. A personality disorder that we don’t know how to fix.

neveragain

Steve, I’m rather fascinated by why this post hasn’t gotten as much response as fast as most of your others. I think it is because it is the dead-on last truth that we have to face….and as you pointed out, we don’t want to face it.

As Sandra Brown says, we find the nanosecond of sanity in his behavior and hold on for dear life!!!

To admit that he is evil, to admit there is no fix, to admit that all our words might as well been a foreign language (and in fact were to him!), that we had it wrong all along (except for those times when a red flag got through…or we felt anger, even rage… when we drew a line in the sand for a day or two)….well it is DEVASTATING.

Like someone said, it is like finding out why the farmer has kept feeding you, the cow. It is like finding out that he was paid to act a role and this is a very sick episode of Candid Camera (for those old enough to remember that), that nothing he did was real, it was all a put-on to achieve a goal. It is like discovering that for the last year (or twenty years) of your life most things you believed in with all your heart and soul were a lie. (Actually, it isn’t LIKE that, it IS that!) It is like finding out that the allergy you were told you had was really cancer and you’ve wasted all this time treating the wrong disease, and now it really has a hold on you. You are in stage one million of cancer. It almost seems too late to heal.

No one wants to admit that.

One of your earlier posts really has the key to getting beyond this…the one on radar for the wrong person. Once you realize what red flags you saw and ignored, or what red flags you didn’t see and WHY….the feelings of powerlessness, of “what is wrong with me” disappear. Even if you discover some faulty thinking or past patterns of abuse in yourself, you realize IT IS OKAY. Once you know what those are and how to compensate for them, you are on the road to POWER.

Now I see myself even in little things, recognizing the red flags of a con. Going to buy a car is an excellent place to practice setting boundaries and refusing to be conned. Also reading some of the stupid romance novels or articles in COSMO is also good practice. I shake my head and say to myself, poor heroine, if this were real life, you’d be toast!

It is a shame that teen girls are raised on that drivel.

neveragain

Steve, one more comment.

Dr. Leedom is right in her latest post that sometimes guys far along on the p spectrum or those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do in fact themselves believe they are in love (the idealization stage), but that is where we have to recognize the red flag of love that comes too quickly, love that is mostly words not actions, etc. A long time ago I read somewhere that a man who is truly in love is not coherent and eloquent when he expresses that. That a really beautifully expressed sentiment of love is usually not that real. The P I was involved with would say the most romantic things that just melted me.

My husband, who REALLY loves me, said rather matter of factly: “I guess by now you know I love you.” And you know, that is perfect. Because he was saying, surely my actions have given me away. And they had. He had shown me in so many ways that my happiness was very, very important to him.

the P never did. But he said lines worthy of a movie….and in some cases, that is just where he got them from!!!

breckgirl

Justabouthealed –
I think your point about this being the last truth we have to face is amazingly accurate – at least in my case –

I remember the moment it hit me –
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
I am a good decent person who was exploited and manipulated.

What freedom – OMG such a weight dropped from my shoulders.

My only failing was not knowing – and today I know and I hope to help educate others – particularly younger kids. Like MADD has done for drinking and driving with kids I would like to create or assist in some form of education that teaches and empowers the next generation to recognize N/P/S behaviour and to protect themselves from it – to identify it and call it out.

I’m not sure who it is here that posted about Obama as being an N or S but I believe MOST politicians and heads of finance and other industries like the UAW and the utility companies are run by N/P/S people and therefore their duty to the rest of us is not first and foremost – raping and pillaging our wallets and lives is the general MO and hence the destruction of our country – by the way lest anyone think I paint Obama alone – I believe the Bushes are equally culpable –
…..
(I am a strict Constitutionalist and believe as did our Founders that GOD imbued us with inalienable rights – it is the Congress and courts allowing liberal use of interpretative or assuming intent rather than actual meaning that has allowed our country to crumble.)

Sarasims

It all started so wonderfully. He was the most charming man I had ever met. We talked for hours…..little did I know he was finding out everything about me….all of my vulnerabilities. The voids in my life. He told me just enough about him to make me believe we had the special bond….like he was “giving” too. Soon he filled ever void in my life and made me feel like no one had ever done before. He used to call it “the little things”. Doing the little things for me that made me feel so special.

He warned me, however, even in the beginning, that he had a way of becoming distant from time to time and that is what killed all of his other relationships. But I was different, he knew I would understand. Well, it wasn’t his personality at all. It was when he had enough of me and decided he wanted another woman for a while. He would all of the sudden stop talking to me and become very silent. He would tell me he was busy at work and I had to understand. Or busy with his kids. I soon found out that it wasn’t that at all…..he had found someone new. But he wanted me to be available whenever he decided it okay.

When I became wise to this and started questioning him or became angry with him, he would retaliate with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. He would become very angry and tell me I was crazy!! That I formulated crazy ideas in my head.

What is funny, is that I did everything for him. Pay his bills, make Dr. appts, etc…..so I had access to his phone records. Even when confronted with the truth, he still lied and acted as if I was the crazy one.

The crazy thing is I loved him so much that I started to make excuses for him and rationalize that I must have done something wrong to make him feel that way or want someone else. That I could forgive him and move on.

It’s been 9 months now since we parted ways and every day is still a struggle. He has called me or emailed several times since then and told me how sorry he is. That he misses me so much. Every time I give him the benefit of a doubt and take him back. But I’ve now learned that it’s only for the sex. As soon as he gets what he wants he disappears for weeks. When I try to contact him, he gets angry and tells me that HE will contact me when HE can. He yells at me and tells me that he is going to change his number. Treats me like I am stalking him!!!!!! It has been the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with and I don’t know how to break away.

Every waking moment he consumes my thoughts. What did I do wrong? I thought he loved me. It is so hard to distinguish btw the man he was before and who he is now. I think to myself that it can’t be real. That no one could act that in love just to get what they want. How could someone be so cruel?

skylar

Sarasims,
you have to break off all contact until you land back on earth. Because he is keeping you in fantasy land by jerking on your emotional strings.

He has no emotions of his own so he is feeding off yours.
There is nothing there for you, unless you like lies.
Lies are all he will offer you. Everything good about him is a lie and everything bad about him is the truth.

Once you are away from him for a long enough time and you have read enough of LoveFraud’s blog and some of the links people post to other great websites, you will become a different person. It will hurt much less and you will know how to protect yourself.

Ox Drover

Dear Sarasims,

I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience, but you have fortunately landed in the LOVEFRAUD “club” and this is where you will learn about him, what he is and why he did what he did, (knowledge=power) and you will start to heal, to recover yourself, and realize it is all about HIM for him, he does not, did not, and never did care about you. You were just a trophy “fish” and he hooked you with the “bait” that would tempt you the most. Once he had you hooked, landed and your “head” mounted on his wall, he went after other fish.

Oh, yes, they can FAKE IT SO WELL. I’m sorry you have had this bitter experience, but you can come out the other side a much wiser, and stronger person. It will cease to be learning about him and others like him, and become about YOU. YOUR HEALING AND GROWTH. He will become UN-important to you eventually. Hang in here, read and learn. Go back through the old archived articles and read them all (there are hundreds) but work your way through them one at a time, just read the articles, but come here and blog and ask questions and make comments and vent if you need to. Everyone here has had a P-experience (or more) so we do “get it” and can pretty well relate to your pain! Welcome! You are at a good place. God bless (Hugs)))

Sarasims

Skylar and OxDrover…
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. You are the first contact I’ve had with someone that’s “been there”. This has been so hard for me. First of all, I’d like to think I’m not stupid….but this whole ordeal has made me feel that way and it’s also made me feel like the only one this has ever happened to. I went to see a therapist and although it helped some, he didn’t seem to “want to” or “know how to address the SP”. My friends insist that I just forget him and move on – like nothing ever happened. And yet, I feel this unsuppressable urge to talk about it. To try and understand.

When it all first happened – the breakup – he was cruel and cut me completely out of his life. Changed his number and had the new woman call and threaten me. Told me I was stalking him. Yet he had just weeks before been calling me telling me how much he loved me, how we could start over and how he needed me in his life. I was totally railroaded!!! I had no idea what was going on and why or HOW he could do this to someone he loved? A friend identified him as a SP which I knew nothing about and at the time didn’t really look into.

The longer this on/off thing has gone on, I began to research and found this site. It has made me feel so much better. When I get the urge to check my email, I come here and read. I want to heal so badly. And I know the day will come. But until then, it’s just me finding the strength the next time he decides to contact me. The past few times have ended so horribly. When he wont talk to me after he gets what he wants I end up saying some really horrible things to him – which he totally deserves. But I think, after that, “he will never be back”. He even yells at me and tells me he never wants to see me again. But then he ALWAYS comes back. I wonder how one person can be so stupid? That he just doesn’t see what he’s doing to me or how cold hearted he is being?

But the sad part is that some part of me wants him to come back. Up to this point the love I had for him keeps giving him one more chance.

geminigirl

Im finding it hard, still, to stay NC with my 45year old daughter, D.I set 2 boundaries 3 months ago, since then, she hasnt contacted me, and I know I CANT contact her if I value my sanity, my mental and emotional well being, my bank balance,{which is finally starting to recover, as well as I am!}
I still get feelings of guilt, even tho I know its False guilt, as I no longer owe her ANYTHING, I know she only ever rang me upto soften me up prior to touching me for “loan’. It never ended up a loan, as I always gave the money to her, knowing itwould be impossible to get it back.
{I borrowed A$7,000 and gave it to her 2 years ago, as she was drowning in credit card debt. Im sure shes still up to her eyes in debt.} I had to pay this loan back, it took me a year, and she didnt give me a cent towards it..I know she doesnt give a rats behind about me,that she said she loved me, but it was only a ploy to soften me up. I know that if she DID love me shed do what I asked and apologise for all the mean, rotten, heartless cruel things she has done to me over the last 30 years,{and I do mean DONE}. But I have a sinking feeling its not going to happen, she wont say “Sorry, Mum”.I have my self respect back now, and if I call her, I know she will think, “Mums buckled under, Ive won again! Yipeee!!”Do I miss her? I miss what she could have become, she is still a beautiful woman on the outside, but inside I know she is a lying, manipulative,cruel, heartless selfish con artist who will use anyone she can to get what she wants, then toss them aside like a used Kleenex.I look at recent photos of her from her facebook page,{ones I saved before she removed meas “friend”,3 months ago. }This was when I told her the Mum bank was now closed, permanently, so I was no longer a source of supply to her.Sheis smiling, but the smiles never reach her eyes, as her ex says, “Its creepy, M, she looks like shes made of wax” Very red lipstick, always in red and black,very dark dyed black hair, she looks like what she is , a Vampire! The pics give me the shudders!! She has her 14 year old daughter now on facebook asa “friend”.Hello? its her daughter! She doesnt see much of her 3 kids now, as her ex has them full time. {She had to move out of her flat, lost her fulltime job, no car, is bunking inwith a ‘friend”}. Her ex told me that she
agreed to babysit the kids fora long weekend, while he went for a break with his new girlfriend. “Felt strange, M, he said, “coming home and finding a strange bloke making coffee in my kitchen!”Obviously this new squeeze stayed the weekend with her. So, she was hooked up with another poor sucker, he is the one she is “bunking in” her ex is a great dad to these poor kids, they get love, boundaries, and stability with him. Im relievedto tell you, the longer I go NC with her, the better I feel. I dread the phonecall, touching me for cash, the crocodile tears on the phone,{always got me, that!!} the lies, the worry how she was surviving. I still worry, but not so much. Life is starting to feel good. I have my lovely new adult “kids”. I have a loving husband, I am so very lucky. Imso glad I fled for my life in 1982, from my Alcoholic Narc. huband. I truly believe Id be mad or dead by now if Id stayed. Love, Gem.XXI remember how my hand used to shake when I picked up the phone,and it was her, and the knot of dread in my stomach, hearing her voice. Red flags? I could have made a tent village with all of them!Gem.

skylar

Sarasims,
he has sex with you, not for the sex, but for the fight he gets to pick with you afterwards. I’ll explain. The pleasure he gets is from seeing you tortured, but it is better to torture you if he makes you happy first, then the fall will be that much further.
This is exactly what my P did to me. I began to notice that, after sex there would inevitably be a fight. And I thought, hmmm…I’m getting off of this rollercoaster because as bad as the fights are, they are far more devastating to me when they occur after I’ve made myself vulnerable and intimate with him.

My P even told me just this year that when he decides to destroy someone’s life, he will first make them really happy so that the fall will be that much more devastating. He was alluding to another person, but it was all a lie, he was actually talking about me.

I wouldn’t even call him cold hearted because you would need a heart for that. HE ISN’T HUMAN AT ALL.

In fact from what you describe, I’m thinking you might be involved with my P! Are you in Washington state?

nokeeper

Steve,
OMG, this post was so dead on. It’s truth effected me more than I can even begin to express to you. A light dawned that won’t go away this time. I have read it over and over saying “Yes, that’s so me.” So, so, so dead on. It went to the heart of my feelings What I had wished and hoped for and why I had kept working on myself to keep trying and giving. Because, once in a while, I was thrown a crumb and thought that crumb was what he felt. He was finally letting his guard down and showing me the man hiding inside.
That little glimpse was the “real” him if only I could figure out a way to tap into his “real” self. And, it was always my fault when things were not right.. All the OW –everything. For 14 years. I tried and tried, helped him with everything , forgave things I’m still in disbelief over, worked, forgave again, smiled when I was falling apart inside, forgave, listened to lie after lie, forgave. Problems coming to me and through me like a never ending freight train while I waited to cross the tracks and have this relationship go somewhere, anywhere.
We could never work on anything. And why? Because he couldn’t deal with stress and God forbid I talked about anything upsetting the poor thing. He would rage and leave, and I would cry… Gotta go. I have just made myself feel ill. Thank you again for your wonderful post Steve. I have put it on the wall in my bedroom to look at as long as I need to. The rate I am going it will be a long time.

Stargazer

Geminigirl,
I just wanted to send you a hug because I know how hard it is to go NC with a close family member too. I went NC with my mother after a particularly revealing conversation on Mothers Day where her narcissism came shining through, after growing up with her neglect and abuse. I want you to know that I dream about her often, about the mother I wish she could be and the family I wish I could have that doesn’t exist. She isn’t anywhere near as bad as your daughter, and still she is toxic to me. It’s sad to cut off a family member, but at least you have some peace in your life. I admire your courage.

Hecates path

Sarasims… your S experience reminds me of mine. He was all about power and control in the ways you described and much of the real him came out after we broke up, interestingly. I believe my S was of the “I’ll leave you before you find out who I really am and leave me” mentality because he was finding it more difficult to sneak around as our relationship progressed. He had managed a double life with his ex wife for years because she only saw/believed what she wanted to given her own issues, sadly. She too is now finally wising up to the fact that her marriage wasn’t what she believed it to be, but that is her story…

On another note though, my therapist and I have talked about the fact that for multiple reasons some of these S’s need to have more than one woman at a time (often they are the more borderline personality disordered ones who fear abandonment and can’t tolerate intimacy & are controlling in order to have the relationship/intimacy on their terms) but one of the most significant is the need to have the “wife” and the “girlfriend” who “fullfill” different needs for them.

When mine met me he was married and he left his wife to be with me… he knew I wouldn’t be second string and that if he was *that* unhappy with his wife then he needed to ante up, LOL. As I learned, though, his ensuing divorce was the kiss of death for our “relationship.” The mask stayed on while I saw him through the divorce, and in the months following he was prince charmin (short version) but as soon as I was the one emerging in the “wife” role it appears that things became boring for him as it does for S’s and he needed excitement and somebody else to fill the girlfriend role… my therapist jokingly said I could’ve spent my whole life with him if only I’d “allowed” him to stay married…

The beginning of your relationship was practically text book to mine – sounds like the same guy. Then it changed and I was given the warnings that he could be distant, needed his space, busy with work, kids blah blah blah, too. He even once emailed me about making plans and said something akin to “Give it time, I’m like nature….always unpredictable and with its seasons…” How nice of him to be giving me an encoded message about his true nature!!

I am sorry you are hurting, but glad you had a wise friend to point you to his true nature, and that you have found the loevfraud community for support… Your deep desire to heal will serve you well on this journey…
HP

Sarasims

Skylar and Hecates…

No….I live in Texas! LOL! It’s really scary that all of these guys are text book and sooooo much alike. But it is very comforting to know that there is a place like this that we can come and share our stories, our information and begin the healing process. It’s FINALLY starting to make some sort of twisted sense. And hearing all of your perspectives makes me think of things that I haven’t thought of before.

Skylar…..As you and others probably have experienced, I have spent countless HOURS reliving every moment that I can remember. Analyzing, trying to figure out what I did wrong….what I could have done differently…..what I said that made him so angry. All I ever tried and tried to do was give him love. He told me stories of how other women had always taken from him and never given of themselves. He asked me in the beginning to never change. He even told me to never say “NO” to him! At the time, I didn’t think much of that – but now OMG! I did everything I could possibly do to make him happy. In the beginning, he did the same for me….actually before I started doing it for him! Then – well you know the ending. And in the end, it seemed sex was the only thing that made him happy. And for me, it was like “A FIX”. I longed for it bc it was the only time he seemed so affectionate and loving….like in the beginning. It was a fix – like a drug addiction – that on the downside left me anxious and longing for more of him. Your perspective has given me a new light on the situation and makes complete sense! Do you think they realize what they are doing? Do they have sex for the purpose of the torture? Or is it a bonus to the sex?

Hecates…..WOW! Your perspective on the wife/girlfriend situation hits home. The first time I realized things were changing….that he wasn’t acting the same, I realized, he was viewing me as his wife. I was paying his bills, making doctor appts for him, running his errands, making him meals, taking breakfast to him at work, etc. I tried to step back and make things more exciting – but by that time, I found out he was with another woman (through rumors which he denied!). It’s like this vicious cycle….moving one woman in and keeping one woman on the backburner. At that point he wanted to keep me in the dark and wanted me there only when convenient for him. But then when I found him out…. like your SP…“I’ll leave you before you find out who I really am and leave me.” If I called him on “the truth” he always became VERY ANGRY and told me I was CRAZY…that I formulated these things in my mind! In the end he told me life was not a fairy tale and that it was all my fault bc I tried to hard – bc I wanted “too much” of him and his life was too busy for that. Funny, in the beginning, he wanted me around or texted me ALL day long! Getting angry if I didn’t text him back. Even the past few months when he came around “at his convenience” – if he called, he expected me to drop everything and meet him right away. The urgency to see me and hold me was immediate. If I didn’t respond to a text, he was texting right away saying “are you there?”. But the next day – I was history again!

Thinking back – his girlfriend before me called me in the beginning. She didn’t really warn me but wanted to know who I was bc she found my number on his phone bill!!!! Yes, she was the me – before me…paying bills, etc. She said this had been going on with him for 7 years! She actually dealt with it that long! I guess he kept (or maybe even keeps) going back to her too! But now I realize why – bc she lets him and falls for his manipulations every time.

For me….every time he comes back and tells me how sorry he is….I fall for it. Then I hate myself for being sooooo STUPID! And every time he does it, I long for him to come back so I have the opportunity to “get even”! To reject him and make him hurt the way I’ve hurted. I want the chance to show him I’m strong and can tell him to “go %$^$ himself! But I NEVER do!

I’ve hoped and prayed for a new beginning. To wake up one day and forget he ever existed. To wake up or go to sleep at night with thoughts of something other than him.

I do feel that finding this site will serve me well on this journey. Hearing from all of you and seeing the stories and posts makes me realize that “others have gone before me” and made it. I have vowed that I will not let him win. He will not destroy me and will not continue to have this hold on me!

Sarasims

Oh I wanted to add that another way he kept me close was by telling me that his life had been full of turmoil. Kids scattered all over the place with different women. But I had accepted him despite that. I thought he was making a positive change in his life and I supported him….believed in him. Encouraged him. He told me didn’t believe in God but “if there was a heaven, it was the time he spent with me”. I was the only good in his life and he called me his angel bc he didn’t care what anyone other than me thought of him. When I thought bad things were going on, that was his favorite comeback. I just couldn’t believe that what we had wasn’t REAL. How does one treat you so good….like you mean the world to them then OVER NIGHT become this monster that you don’t even know?

How pathetic – RIGHT?

slimone

Sarasism,

Welcome to LF. When I read your first post Itoo thought you might have been involved with the path I was involved with. I think you nailed the lies and manipulation on the head. LOL.

As for your last post, and the life of turmoil thing. That was the single thing that kept me hooked. I kept thinking I met him at a time of struggle and stress. Then, as the months went by I realized the chaos just went on and on and on…..and then I was a part of the chaos.

It broke my heart to realize this. It was part of the beginning of the end. The guy I knew told me he had never felt so safe with anyone, and cried in my cry while I held his hand.

I am so sorry for your pain…..Welcome to LF, glad you found your way here.

peggywhoever

Beautifully written article. And so true.

It was HIM! The Bad Man.

hairellen

Yeah well, I DID go to a phychologist and she pointed to an empty chair next to me and explained “that since he wasn’t here, that we’ll NEVER know!” That…” maybe it was your fault too.” (right. like i asked him for forty thousand dollars since I couldn’t get my name on his house and HE kept leaving me) He did those things! Now his new girlfriend bought him a Harley Davidson motorcycle and he gets her a new puppy. Oh. Now they’re getting married Oct. 3rd. of this year. Its on his my-space. (I couldn’t help looking/trolling). G-D HELP ME.
PLUS why is she announcing it on his my-spce? You know? Thank g-d I’m so gone from him. Still it is nice to keep your friends close but your enemies CLOSER!

hairellen

Oh by-the-way, this is soooo true, but sometimes I’m having it hard to believe that it wasn’t me. I’ve been to psychologists all my life and finally, a real phychiatrist said it wasn’t me! I still find it hard to believe that it wasn’t me it was my mother, father, bro. or exhusband.
I’m amazed it’s not me! I am now alone and have my salon (and dogs). I still attract the creepos! Mostly marrieds, which I find so appalling! (told “pilot guy”, who came around for five yrs. never asking me out…me wondering if he was gay or married, to go back to wifey, He was married for eight of the five yrs. he’s coming around to help me dig up fence posts, stain the floors and buy me a toilet. (I deserve so much better!) Don’t I deserve a man who is calling ME, taking ME out to dinner and a movie? Don’t I deserve someone who I don’t have to wait for (especially holidays? OR on the weekends)
I GOT BRAVE AND TOLD HIM–GO!

neveragain

nokeeper…No keeper of him is what I hope you mean! I would like to throttle him for you. These guys are something else! You are such a wonderful person with such great love to offer someone…..he confirmed that. What great depths of compassion you have!

NOW….don’t waste a bit more of it on him! I made myself ill too….literally. Not sure of your situation, but NO CONTACT is the cure. It is hard, so very hard, but take it one day at a time.

So many of us here have been exactly where you are….and now we are on the other side of the pain. You can get there too!

IMconfused

I am usually blamed for screwing things up.

My husband is a bully! If I ask him about something he’s about to do or previously did, he usually responds with accusations towards me rather than simply answering my question. Almost daily, he goes out to purchase some needed item. After being gone for hours, he’ll return empty handed 8 out of 10 times.

Yesterday, he was going out to replace a broken chainsaw part. I could come along, if I liked, but he didn’t know how long he’d be gone. Had I agreed to leave with him, he probably would have needed to make a quick telephone call before we left. That is what he usually does (I assume that he calls someone to notify them of a work emergency that requires his immediate attention. He’s self employed and works out of a home office).
He said that he was taking the broken piece with him to match parts. When I asked to see the broken part because maybe I had seen one like it somewhere, he became agitated and accused me of not trusting him, etc. I was sick for asking him about it. He then went to the garage to retrieve the piece that, prior to my asking to see it, he supposedly already had with him!

I asked if he had called the stores to find out if they even carried any parts. Well, he didn’t know a part number…so that was that.

He left and after a 1-2 minute internet search, I located a diagram with parts, but I then needed a model number. It turns out that the chainsaw already had a needed replacement part in it! So I finished my computer search, emailed him the right schematic. I thought I’d check for a parts dealer, but it turns out that there are no dealers listed in our entire state!

I called him on his cell phone to give him a part number and asked him why a part was already in the chainsaw. He blew up and hung up. A little while later called to say that he would be returning shortly because he needed to talk to me about MY behavior.

He thinks I’m extremely angry and need help. I said ok, you come with me for help. No, he won’t attend because I’m the one with the problem. Further more, if I don’t get help for my anger, he’s going to get a divorce… huh?

So, now I’m in day two of his silent treatment. I’ve spent half of this summer dealing with his NC sort of passive aggressive behavior…HIS angry behavior! Last month he went silent for 3 days and then 9 days.

He’s been behaving like this for months. I’m guessing that it’s his excuse to do whatever he pleases…and I’m to blame!

When he messes up projects it is always because he followed someone else’s bad information. He never takes blame for anything he does. That must make him nearly perfect in his own mind!

peggywhoever

IMconfused:

Your husband’s behavior is normal…for a sociopath.

He is gaslighting you. He is controlling you. He is spinning your reality. He is blaming you.

He is probably having an affair and/or participating in some other illegal or unethical behaviors. I am sorry to tell you this. I suggest you check his cell phone records.

Peggy

blueskies

Hopingtoheal!
My GOD!!! They ARE all the same!! They must pass the script around to eachother! Looks like a cut and paste job from my old in-box!! Mind boggling! And now, from the ‘other side’ it is so CLEAR how CRUEL their language and behaviour is. Its insane troll logic. B****rds the lot of them!
xxxxx

skylar

Dear IM,

You could be me. solving all the problems, figuring out what to do to make him more resourceful/successful. But then, he knows that about you, so he likes to keep you distracted doing the grunt work. Then he goes off on a fairytale quest for an imaginary part.

Peggy is right. His behavior is normal, classic psychopath 101. You need an escape plan. the silent treatment is good, it buys you time. You should do a credit check on him, he may have bank accounts open in his name all over the place. copy all the cell phone records too, you may need them later.

You will need money so start stashing it.

The only ways I have found to “regulate” his outbursts are by 1. laughing. but make sure he thinks it is with him not at him.
2. be boring. No emotional response, do not take his bait, do not show anger, fear, happiness, nothing.
3. Get sick. They don’t like sick people because sick people get attention and only they deserve attention.

Only when he does something funny, then you can laugh but only with him not at him.

hairellen

IM confused:
I would LEAVE his drama filled arse! That’s ALL I have to say. What will happen if you don’t leave? More crap that is the same old same old! I’d say these girls are right on! It IS called Gaslighting! Believe it and leave!

peggywhoever

blueskies:

You are right, they are all the same. Same scripts. Same lies. same BS. They are like cookie-cutter molds…different faces, different places, same behavior.

And…they never change!

IM: How long have you been married? And what is your story? Sorry if you have posted it previously, I’ve been busy healing and haven’t been on much lately!

Peggy

Sarasims

Slimone: Thanks for your support and words!

It’s funny how they work their way into your vulnerabilities when you are a good, caring person. You wonder how they can pull off the act when they have not one bone in their body that has any compassion or love. But you keeping holding onto the fact that you are good and you can help them through this ….. you want to help them through this. The first time I met him he even told me that he couldn’t believe I wasnt afraid to meet him….that most people thought he was scary!!!!!!!! I only saw the attractive him! He said it jokingly but boy was it true!!

IM: Sounds like an affair to me. As much as I know that hurts to hear, it is EXACTLY how my SP acted. When someone cares and is bonded, they WANT to be around you….not finding ways to escape being near you and spending unaccountable hours away from you. Hang in there and be strong!!

neveragain

IM…..and if I were you, I would “submissively” agree that you need help (you do, because you are married to a BAD MAN) and go talk to a therapist, but not about your anger “problem” but how to get out safely and with your money. Make sure it is a therapist who knows what it is like to live with someone with a personality disorder and is familiar with psychopathic behaviors in “normal” members of society, who has dealt with domestic violence before (it can all be psychological abuse, it doesn’t have to be physical).

Good luck to you!! Stay safe, you can find your way to a brighter future.

Send this to a friend