(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Steve,
Excellent post, and a powerful message!
Thank you. Ever so gently it started with a look, an abruptness. Oh what have I done I thought – he must be angry, he is taking his love away – I must have done something wrong – what could it be what could it be? I’ll submit, be obedient, comply and maybe – just maybe he will bring back the smiles and affection and his anger will dissipate and I will be loved again.
I never had to call my other girlfriends those names he said. (Oh they must have been better than me – but where are they???) You make me call you those things. Don’t make me call you that he said. And where are they? I asked. No answer. But I was there – I had won the prize had I not?
I engaged – “I don’t make you do that – you choose to do that” I would say. And I was thinking I was oh so smart to point that out to him, not realizing by staying I was – STAYING in an abusive environment and telling him he had permission to continue in that way with me.
I tried and tried to decode the formula, like a Pavlovian trained dog – or a rat in some experiment I kept pushing at the lever working oh so hard for a reward. Working working working – carrying his load in life – running his business and mine, cooking and cleaning at his house and mine, shopping, paying bills for him and for me, raising my kids with no help from him – being distracted from taking care of them properly by him. Working working working – while he played with his buddies and used drugs and used drugs and cheated and used drugs and cheated and oh look he is paying attention to me – Yippeeeee we had sex.
OMG – I am so guilty. So so so guilty of accepting this in my life, of degrading myself.
Thank you you sociopathic narcissistic b@st@rd – you helped me immensely. You wore me out and I can no longer tolerate bad behaviour. I have been able to finally heal from childhood – being raised by an N-Dad and an alcoholic and possibly N-Mom – thank you you selfish vile excuse for a man. You have destroyed my dreams and set me free simultaneously.
I pity you and I hate you – you disgust me. I am afraid of you – that you will not go quietly away and leave me in peace. I dread your release from jail – living 4 blocks from me and I must go through an intersection daily to leave my neighborhood that you must on the other side also use. I dread the ringing of the phone – the words unknown or blocked on my mobile phone. My stomache clenches when I see that.
I wonder how I could ever explain this to another and I have fear – will you bother me more if you should know there is another? Would you bother him? And should the day come I have to protect and defend myself (and I am prepared) I wonder how anyone healthy would want to get close to me knowing what I am capable of to protect my children, my home, my life.
Thank you LF for being here and giving me a safe space to learn – to know I am not the only one. I have been alone in this so very long. I am educating my daughters. I pray they have enough backbone and self love to never tolerate the crap I tolerated hoping that someone would love me back. Now I know – I have to love me enough first and I think I do – but I’m afraid there too – how do I know until I try again and by trying again I am risking myself, my freedom, my mental health, peace, sanity…
I wonder where I will be – on my internal map – in another year.
The lines on my face deeper, the hair grayer – you took me from the last years of my youth and aged me…hardened me…
Gave me wisdom.
Thank you.
Dear Steve,
A MASTER PIECE! Absolutely!—and it applies even if it is not our lover or spouse, but our child, our friend, etc. It is never about us, it is about them, and how twisted our beliefs become so that we come to BELIEVE it is us, that we are the problem by objecting to bad treatment—emotionally, physically, mentally, financially—- in every way.
This so connects to everything I believe NOW—and to what I believed THEN. But how painful the THEN was then, and how good the NOW is. Nothing is different now except my BELIEFS are not tied to a LIE, my beliefs are tied to the TRUTH—the truth that I AM NOT TO BLAME. I am not responsible for them and their behavior. I am only responsible for fixing myself, not for fixing them, not for providing for their needs at the expense of my own.
I realize I can DO the “unthinkable”—I can take back my love for the false portrait of themselves that they presented to me. I can take back the love I felt for someone who did not deserve my love. Best of all, I can love myself, and love those who love me back.
Great article!
Steve,
I have to admit to being one of the many you are speaking of….you’ve drawn out many of the demons I have struggled with and put them in a form I can’t help but recognize……
painful as it may be….
You are so adept at reading the private journal of our minds – your insight NEVER ceases to amaze me.
I did all of the above – I suppose to avoid what I feared would and did eventually happen – the relationship would disintegrate completely.
I thought if I could be more pleasant, less confronting, less questioning, more attractive, lose weight, work out, find new recipes, change the bedroom around, touch up my hair and makeup before he got home , buy prettier nightwear , a new perfume – I changed so many things for him – but none of it worked. I kept reaching for the magic that would get him to SEE ME and that I loved him ……
None of it worked, I wore myself out and I think the more I tried the more impatient and contemptuous he became towards me.
And , yes, the control – I see it now but wasn’t so conscious of it then. I could not face the idea that he didn’t love me – I looked at it as though maybe I took him for granted and needed to win him over . It was in my power to change myself and my behaviors – to look back and regret all the things he threw in my face. and vow once again to be someone lovely to come home to…
Every now and then I WOULD get the recognition I sought – a kiss hello, a call during the day, maybe even a compliment.
But it never lasted very long – maybe weeks or a few months at best. And as I now know, nothing I did ever made him end his affair or pursuit of new ones.
In the end I was left with the same old feelings – I just wasn’t what he wanted, what he needed, wasn’t SEEN by him for all the good things we had in our life – kids, a home , 22 years together, all we had accomplished – I was just a good business partner for him -no more.
I thank God every day there is someone like you, Steve, with such compassion and understanding, so knowledgeable and willing to help us heal.
Wonderful!! Powerful writing. I am replacing ‘him’ with ‘it’ though,when I read ,because it applies to all of these creatures, mother, father, lover,child, friend. xxx Beautiful piece of work. This will help a lot of readers.xx Sometimes I come here to read, and it seems there is a post that could have been written especially, at JUST the right time. This is one. Thanks so much Steve:)x
Steve,
What a gift you have been given with truth. While I read your words and they were once a part of my thought process, it feels wonderful that they no longer are. I hardly think of him, and when I do, it is only an old habit, and I can remind myself to thank God for the gift of release from the bondage which held me so tightly for 42 years.
I was in a religious cult for 16 years while married to this sociopath. I was so greatful when I left, and even more greatful when not only was I out of the cult, but the cult was out of me. So, too, with my ex-husband. Not only is he gone physically, but he no longer holds a place in my heart or emotions. The relief and gratitude I feel is indescribable. It is as if I were addicted to a toxic substance that was killing me, only to be freed and set on the path to a new life flowing with hope and joy and peace.
There are no words to describe the gratitude to the folks at Lovefraud for the assistance, love and acceptance I received. It only took me 3 weeks to move on to the other side once I put NC into place. I’ve never looked back.
I wish to encourage others still on the journey to persevere, as there IS another side just around the bend.
All of you…thanks so much for your appreciative and inspiring feedback!
Housie, blueskies, Oxy and you, NewLife, I value so much the opportunity to share my perspectives with you on LoveFraud. I feel lucky to be involved with you.
And Donna, thanks for your comment, and the opportunity!
Steve
Hello breckgirl: Your words beautifully convey the journey of facing oneself, one’s fears and coming into wisdom as a result of such an experience with a N/S. I am surprised with each day of emotional detachment that I experience away from a man who once meant the possibility for a future together, whom I now view as a “ghost” of a person….I do not think of him as having much substance any longer. I’m surprised by this turn of events within my psyche as the emotional charge has diminished with these realizations. Surprised that in practicing detachment, I am releasing old expectations, not personalizing who someone else was/is, and seeing so much more clearly with each passing day who I was/am and want to be despite the experience with a NPD.
It has almost been a year. I am stronger than I ever was. I am better able to take on and tolerate stress and challenges. Having suffered the Ultimate betrayal on every front, I have decided that neither the poor economy, nor lack of a serious relationship, nor work problems are worth my tears. I am no longer afraid of life, because I see myself as a survivor. It was a bit ME, but if it weren’t, it’d be someone else. I take responsibility for my own mistakes easier, I accept my shortcomings; I am OK with being who I am for the most part.
Several of you have talked about going on a real date. This is so problematic for me still. I never liked dating, but I feel a desire for adult companionship. I don’t miss sex as much as I did at first, and I know that it may never be as good as it was with him. But, what worries me the most is inability to trust myself. I no longer trust my own judgment and so – every single word my date utters seems to be a red flag. I second guess myself, trying to figure out if it is the PTSD that makes me so fearful, or a real red flag. At the end, I cannot trust any man I meet, whether through work or pleasure. I have sabotaged at least three potential relationships/ friendships, and am contemplating doing it again. It’s almost like I need to make sure that they are not a P. Ps want to win. So, he’d come back. If they don’t, they are not a P. Well, if they don’t, do I contact them and say: “Oh, you just passed the Red Flag test.” That is stupid. I am stuck. Any cures?
PInow, I’m so happy for your new strength! It gives me hope.
Dating is still a big question with me. The guy who takes me out knew me long ago, but he may get tired of hearing about the P pretty soon. I can’t help it, I really think of very little else. Everything I see around me reminds me of P’s. How sad. He is writing a script. I keep suggesting P-related character ideas or P-related insights. He’s gonna get sick of me. I’ll probably have to use sex just to keep him around. LOL! Of course that may backfire if I’m no good at it anymore – after a P, you’re libido gets confused, it blames itself for putting you in danger, I think.