(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?em
here’s a link to an interesting article on parenting and unconditional love.
I like this song. It’s from Vertical Horizon. It’s sort of tongue in cheek because sociopaths view themselves as GOD. Yeah…whatever. Anyway, the song got me through many a workout, many an angry day and maybe it will help some of you as well.
“You’re A God”
I’ve got to be honest
I think you know
We’re covered in lies and that’s OK
There’s somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say
Never again no
No never again
‘Cause you’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I’d let you go
But I’ve been unable
To put you down
I’m still learning things I ought to know by now
It’s under the table so
I need something more to show somehow
Never again no
No never again
I’ve got to be honest
I think you know
We’re covered in lies and that’s OK
There’s somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say
Never again no
No never again
JAH – I could have written your 9/16 10am post myself. I’m also on the computer all day and would get practically “drunk” on the emails he would send at night that I’d open in the morning. And then, I would read them over and over all day like about 80 times. Only a slight exaggeration there.
SO HARD at first, to come back to work, home at night, with none of that waiting for me. But like you, my husb and I have repaired our marriage, and now he takes up so much of that time. I am SO thankful that my brief crazy-train ride w/ S#2 never got physical besides a couple of make-out sessions. I’m sure it would have been much harder to repair our marriage.
And in a way I am very thankful for my experience with S#1, because it gave me a boundary that was in effect for S#2, and I hope this is helpful for some of you all out there –
Nobody gets a second chance to play with my mind!
At the first hint this was going on, coupled with my first panic attack – I knew I was done. It was that, or a free ride to the mental hospital in the near future. Which doesn’t mean that it was easy. I didn’t know anything about sociopaths or what they were until a month after final contact, Mother’s Day.
Now that I know how they operate, I am having a hard time anticipating that he may try for contact again on my birthday, mid-October. I obsess about things I want to say in response, even though I know that I need to not say anything. And then I wonder how I will feel if he DOESN’T try to contact me, and I tell myself I should feel happy and relieved. But it is still all a big question mark.
I am busy working on myself, hoping that I will be strong enough to handle whatever happens or doesn’t happen by then.
And I keep reading here, because I have to keep cementing in my brain that he really WAS/IS an S, because our false relationship was so brief, I didn’t really give him a chance to “prove” himself, thank the Lord. But, still all the pieces fit and it is scary to see how identical some of his words and behaviors were to all the creeps that did wreak complete havoc on the lives of all of you.
He didn’t try terribly hard to “keep” me, I think perhaps I was too much “work” for him to bother, and he probably had someone else lined up anyways.
cutandrun,
He will try to “keep” those with money. Everyone else is just a sidekick.
Skylar – I think this one just wanted sex. A good time. I think he’s just an amateur creep, which is kind of a good thing….for me.
I’ve been finding lots of interesting thoughts in Modest Mouse songs lately:
Guilty Cocker Spaniels:
Well I took off running at the greatest speed
I didn’t bother looking to either side of me
Well I didn’t see, I just didn’t see
What was really going on
The truth had stopped and the skyline rose
Exchanging comfort for more fashionable clothes
I’d left the hills at this point in time
To run on treadmills in a perfect line
Salad days add up to daily shit
Sparked imagination until the sparks just quit
And if this is fun, why am I so bored with it?
Well I’ll probably never know
Guilty cocker spaniels eating table scraps
Well we rolled over, how our masters clapped
It felt so good we wanted more than that
But when the program failed they defensively laughed
We did things just how you asked
Don’t try taking us to task
Didn’t bite a face, no just a mask
So happy Halloween!
I drew a blank, we put it in a frame
Wait what you’re winning, you didn’t say this was a game
Well I guess I’ll just have to play and play
Until I’m out of cash
Before I could spit it out
I guess the words had burnt my mouth
What can I say?
There’s the thought I laid it down
So you could take it out of context
Either way
We said all along we deserve every bit
And mostly we knew that the supply would quit
But we got going, going just away with it
Until everybody lost their mind
Directly behind me and ahead of the time
But don’t you worry he’ll fall right in line
Yep, everything just might fly by
No ones getting blamed this time
Blame me so blameless
Can we find a way to blame our way out?
Well I postdated the eulogy
For every blameless body, nah nah
We are blamelessly teething
On much more than we need, nah nah nah
Blamelessly teething
Well we’re all getting blamed
While everyone, everyone knew
Well everybody, everybody knew
Skylar, my air card is cranky today due to the stormy weather so I wasn’t able to open your link, but without reading your article (I will try again later) UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for a child to me (MY opinion only) is that for a small child, but when the child grows up, when the child has the ability to make choices and chooses to make viscious choices to hurt others, my UN-conditional love for a child becomes VERY CONDITIONAL for the adult, even if I gave birth to them.
Me having given birth to some one, or them having given birth hto me, does NOT in my opinion give them the right to be abusive to me, any more than ANYONE has a right to abuse me.
The word “Love” in English covers a multitude of various “feelings” and “behavior” including that squishy feeling we get in our heart when we first see our infant and hold them in our arms. The Bible says “love your neighbor” but in that particular instance it does NOT mean “have a squishy feeling” in your heart for the man who abuses you, but to not seek revenge and do damage to him, it means to treat him justly even if he is treating you unjustly.
I long ago lost the “squishy” feeling for my P-offspring, and my P-sperm donor and now also for my egg donor. I do not feel a need to be close to them, and I no longer harbor the delusion that they mean me well, or that they ever did, or that I could ever trust them. I recognize them for the abusive people they are. Therefore I take St. Paul’s advice to the Christians to “treat them (unrepentent people) like heatherns” “not even to eat with them” (NC) after I have made EVERY Effort to settle the problems, including seeking other Christians to confront them with me about their bad behavior.
Reading the Bible with an OPEN MIND gives me an entirely different take on the wonderful advice given there on how to “get along with others” in a way that is good for US. Even if someone is not a “believer” the advice for living a peaceful life with others and how to avoid problems in dealing with people whose “hearts are hard” (A GREAT DESCRIPTION OF PSYCHOPATHS REALLY!) and who say one thing but do another (hipocrits) and who try to appear “holy” (wear a mask) while doing bad things, is really a wonderful guide to living a good and peaceful life in the midst of people who are psychopaths and just ordinary jerks.
The descriptions of evil people who will lead you astray if you follow their example (the book of Proverbs) and how you should comport your own life to avoid those people and problems is an awesome primmer on life. The ultimate “How to live a good life” book.
Any time someone knowingly and willingly does something that is “bad” or “wrong” it is a RED FLAG to us to see that that person is not a good person for us to “hang with.” It shows their CHARACTER and even if at that time they are treating us well, if they are doing dishonest or mean things to others, we can BE SURE that they will treat us badly eventually.
If someone is not living up to their own adult responsibilities (like working and paying their bills, doing what they say and sayign what they do, then we may be sure that any assistance we give them is not going to “help’ them, because they want US to take over responsibility for them, which is NOT our responsibility.
When St. Paul is talking to the churches about charity and helping out widows and orphans, he puts some criteria on WHO they should help….they should help the people who can NOT help themselves, and for the YOUNGER widows, he suggests that they either get jobs or get married rather than become lazy gossips and supported by the churches, but the OLDER widows, who had no other options for support, should be supported and helped by the churches. he also says that even for the older widows, if they have CHILDREN it is the responsibility of the children FIRST to support these women, rather than the church.
But over and over again, Paul tells his fellow Christians that they should WORK to support themselves as he did, not even taking a “salary” for his preaching, but supporting himself with his own hands, though he did say that he was “entitled” to a salary for his preaching, he was proving a point by NOT taking one, so one one could criticize him for “preaching for the money.”
I think we should UN-conditionally love “mankind” but at the same time, I think the kind of “love” we should have for mankind is that we should NOT do bad things to anyone, no matter what they are, HOWEVER, I think we should also be WISE and careful where we extend our charity and help. I think it is WISE of us to help the “helpless” who are “helpless indeed” but not “help” or ENABLE those who should care for themselves but refuse to take responsibility for their own care.
Too many times I have extended a “helping” hand to those who were NOT interested in helping themselves. It usually became apparent before long. Like Jesus advised his disciples to not “cast your pearls before swine, least they turn and rend (tear) you, and trample them (the pearls) into the mud.” Paraphrased.
When we offer our help to people who will not “appreciate it” any more than the pigs would appreciate even the most beautiful pearls, the only thing we do is to enrage those people like the pigs would be enraged by being offered pearls rather than food.
I can’t think of a time when I have given “help” to someone who really did not deserve it, who was just wanting me to take responsibility for them which they should have assumed themselves, that they did nto eventually get enraged at me because they didn’t like the “help” I extended or because I eventually saw they were refusing to take responsibility for themselves and when I quit they became mad because they felt ENTITLED to me giving them what they needed instead of working for it themselves.
I think it was Mark Twain who said “The difference between a man and a dog is that if you take in a starving dog and feed him, he will not bite you” (Might have been Will Rogers) but the point the same. Many times people who appear to be “helpless” are not truly helpless, but just mooches.
We must learn to tell the difference or our “help” will not be truly help, but will be enabling. I still feel a need to SHARE my blessings with others, but I am no longer going to be an ENABLER of those who would be leeches. I will give people OPPORTUNITIES to help themselves, emotinal support and caring, but will NO longer do for them what they have a responsibility to do for themselves. If that is “conditional” love for my offspring or my egg donor–then so be it.
During the time my son C (married to the P DIL at that time) was duped and we were estranged pretty much (she was isolating him from me and his brother) I did not quit loving him, not quit caring for him, but I did withdraw physically when I saw that my presence made him uncomfortable so didn’t see him very often. Quit loving him? NO!!! But I saw he was duped and accepted that (for the most part) though it made me sad. I did NOT however, offer him/them financial assistance when he allowed his then-wife to get them into financial difficulties. As much as it was painful for me to see my son live in poverty, it was NOT my responsibility to relieve that problem. (He was working and making good money, but he was allowing HER to control the spending and she was SPENDING all right!)
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense at all to anyone but me, but a lot of my problems with Ps and others is that I ahve been an ENABLER, and felt guilty if I couldn’t solve someone else’s problems AGAINST THEIR WILLS, because they kept on repeating the decisions that caused the problems in the first place.
Enabling is like trying to teach a pig to sing, it frustrates the heck out of you, and really pithes off the pig!
Oxy,
yes, it makes perfect sense to me. I understand exactly about wanting to help others and putting their needs before my own. I know it is stupid but I haven’t internalized it well enough yet so that my emotions respond correctly. 43 years of always reinforcing the idea that making others happy is more important than attending to my own needs is going to take time to repair.
Here is what is really sinister:
my P noticed this and saw it as my greatest weakness. He must have fixated on it because the idea is so alien to his own nature. Well, in finding people to collaborate with, this is what he used to put me down. He found other people to call me and beg for my help just to see me jump up and run to help them. It was really obvious at the end, that this was his favorite ploy. When I wasn’t helping him, his minions were using my time and energy. What I don’t understand is WHAT COULD HE HAVE SAID TO THEM? What words could you use to convince someone that it would be funny to attack someone’s good natured heart? I know that several of them were already evil to begin with – just from their history, but ALL OF THEM?
My own sister was a selfish little brat her whole life, but what words could her husband (the trojanP) have used to convince her that she should try to harm me? I always did everything for her, I even wrote her final college term paper on Don Quixote. I had to read the whole book in order to do it. Her teacher gave her an A and wrote:”Did you write this?” on the margin.
Even though I’m coming to terms with the fact that there are evil people in the world, I’m still reeling from the sheer numbers of them. And the extent of their evil nature is also still a shock to me. They really have no problem with causing people to commit suicide. Rather than feeling responsible, they just see it as a “weak” person that had to die.
Dear Skylar,
I too would feel guilty if I did not say “yes” to every one who asked me for “help.”
I would feel bad if I did not do all I could for them, and due to the fact that I had a medical profession, friends would want me (especially after I retired and was home in the day time) to go with them to the physician, or to help explain things to them, and I didn’t want to but I would do so. I SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I finally got to the point that when someone would call me and ask my “opinion” on some medical issue, I would respond, “You know, I think maybe you should see your physician about that” and “No, I can’t go with you on Thursday, I’m doing xy or z that day”
I got to the point I was so TIRED all the time (physically and emotionally) and with the demands my egg donor was making on my time and energy, I was letting my own financial business needs slide into the pits. I probably lost over $50,000 in funds I could have “saved” if I had had the time and energy to take care of them instead of spending my energy on others. When I finally did try to set some limits on my time with her, she was FURIOUS with me and started the devaluation and picked up the very willing psychopaths who were after her money—which she accused me of being—even though I have never taken a dime from her or asked her for a dime in decades, and back when I did borrow money from her (40 years ago) I PAID BACK EVERY CENT WITH INTEREST.
I learned a long time ago that controlling people will do you “favors” then use those “favors” to extract CONTROL over you because you are “beholden” to them. After my husband died and I retired my egg donor used to ask me if I “needed money” (she really had no idea what my financial status was as personal finances was not something we ever talked about) but I assured her “Thanks, but no thanks, I am doing just fine” She would look at me and say “You wouldn’t take money from me if you DID need it, would you?” I would truthfully say, “I have always made my own way, by myself, and no, I would not take money from you or anyone else.”
She was actually angry a bout this, and I can now see the reason why, because she had NOTHING ELSE to offer me in order to gain control over me. Even after I went NC with her once she e mailed me and told me “I have not changed my will” like that would make me grateful to her and make me come running back so she wouldn’t “change her will.”
What she did not understand was that MONEY DOES NOT MOTIVATE ME where relationships are concerned. Not at all. I would live in a cardboard box and eat out of a McDonald’s dumpster before I would EVER have asked her for a dime or have taken a dime from her. I am and have been AN INDEPENDENT OLD CUSS, and if I make my own way, no one else can say that I am “beholden” to them for my success.
Back after my divorce, when I was absolutely PENNILESS and literally living in the back of my truck with my two kids and my cat my egg donor never even offered me help, and I made my own way, and I did NOT ask for her help until several years later and I was still going to college, working full time, and my P-son was giving me some problems and I asked to BORROW money from her to pay private school tuition for him. As soon as I graduated, I paid her back every dollar PLUS INTEREST at 10%—she said “Oh, you don’t have to” but I paid her anyway, so I would never be “beholden” to her. Since I was borrowing the money for my son, her grandson, and since I did pay it back, I did not feel badly about borrowing it.
One year for christmas she gave me $10,000 “so the government won’t get it when I die” and I donated the exact amount to a charity that she supports and sent it her name. Another time she gave me $5,000 for christmas one year, and I donated that much beef to the same charity IN HER NAME and she knew I did. The thing is that independence in me financially I think robs her of anything she can use to control me…..which I think is frustrating to her and it never dawned on her that the “control” she wanted was THERE but it was only “bought” with LOVE not money or spite and malice.
My own sons are respectful of me, and pretty much don’t do anything I would not “approve of” but it is not out of FEAR that I will “jump them” but because they know that if I don’t “approve” of something, it probably isn’t a good idea to do it. Doesn’t mean they never do anything I wish they wouldn’t, (now) and in the past they have done quite a few things I wish they hadn’t, but they have also had the consequences that went along with the choice, too. I don’t bail them out and I don’t b1atch at them about it either, I figure the consequences speak for themselves and me griping about it afterwards won’t help the situation.
OxDrover,
It is hard to keep up with all of the posts, but I love the part about the pigs. That is what it feels like giving yourself to an unworthy-like casting your pearls before swine. I don’t have my Bible with me but it also adds that they will turn and render (run you over, turn you into pieces) I believe. I also am waiting for my zillions of dollars as a teacher, but my first dream was to be a baseball player. What a life- getting paid millions to play in the grass and sun. I guess I am not doing anything any more or less noble than anyone else. My wife saves lives as a nurse. I also worked as a respiratory therapist before. Saving lives is too nervewracking for me. Now I try to save brains, or maybe to help kids grow up with the cracked/mad magazine logic that I have. I am a conspiracy theorist too, so the Gov. takeover is happening. I think it is little by little losing our freedoms like in England where they can’t take a dump without a camera picking it up. Now the microchips in our cars, documents, and skin soon enough will lead to our end. Not the best of times to think about your kids living through what might become much worse. In reality I am an optimist though. I guess what is hard to understand that some people are pigs when you actually think that they are like you more or less. Crazy maybe but not ruthless, feelingless, and selfish. I don’t think pigs care too much about helping out other pigs, but i don’t claim to be an expert there.
OMG! and WTF! This is sooooooo true! I HATE how true it is! I HATE how true it is for me! I LOVE that I have finally
figured it out and I know- “hey- It’s not ME- It’s YOU”. – you’re the mother f*^$%#! Thanks to all of you for your articles, posts, and info! I am stuck here in HELL for now. But I am looking forward to Christmas this year for the first time in 12 years because I WON’T be with him then! YEA! Go me! I am still planning on my departure. I am moving away from here! I would appreciate more advice on how to maintain my sanity while I am planning my way out of this marriage. Some nights I have to get up and sleep on the couch because I can’t stand sleeping next to him. I don’t want to have sex again EVER! Well- not with him. I have not been unfaithful! Can’t say the same for him! And he has let himself go! I am tempted to say that I’m not attracted to him because of that because it would be such a blow to his ego. But at the same time I want the best possible situation when I leave so I have to pretend he’s great! OK- you try it and see if you don’t lose your mind! I think this site and a few friends I trust who don’t live here are the only things that are keeping me sane. And then again I wonder- am I still seeking his approval???? Wow! Help! LOVE YA’LL!!