(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Thanks Erin. I will keep on fighting … just tired, that’s all. Knowing me, I will get my second wind again. I know this, but it is draining … just such a waste of precious life (mine … LOL).
I stay in touch with Oxy off line. She told me months ago … when I told her that I was blogging on other sites (just my way of getting the word out there about the selfish, self centered folks in the world). Oxy said, she tried that years ago and stayed with LF with all the compassionate folks. I said, so true, so very true. Hence, why I pop in once in a while to get energized.
I hope all is well with you Erin.
Peace.
WINI:
TURN IT……
“just such a waste of precious life”.
BUT IT”S NOT….
It may seem like it because it doesn’t have to be ‘this way’…..
But this is in your life to teach you something….and your learning it…..getting it!
There is growth in everything!
A gift in every thing we go through.
Glad your still a warrior in exposing the Sociopaths….
getting the word out is important!
Your doing great!
Remain strong!!
No Wini, it’s not a waste for us. It’s only a waste for the P’s. We are growing through each difficulty. Like Erin said, each lesson is a “gift” of growing and insight. These insights are what life is all about, it’s the whole reason we are here.
Only the P’s refuse to learn anything. They refuse to grow so they become more twisted and grotesque with each passing year as they try to fit into the same old dirty diaper they’ve been wearing since infancy. The extra gift is our community with LF and all the other survivors of P’s.
My P once told me that he NEVER wanted to grow up. He hated growing up. He wanted to stay a child. The look on his face and tone of voice when he said it was resentment and grief.
Erin, I know what you are writing about. At this writing, I’d rather be focusing on doing more positive on top of positive (my former life) instead of constantly having to use my creativity by making lemonade out of so many lemons in life.
I think what irks me the most about selfish people is that I never groomed myself to be one of those selfish people in life. I have that right. I focused on being the best that I could be to be an asset in life, not an anchor around community’s necks. Having to constantly explain the situation dumped on me by the selfish folks is tiring and of course beyond horrific and appalling. People treat me like I’m the garbage and they have a right to treat me this way … instead allowing TRUTH to surface that another user and abuser targets innocent, unsuspecting victims to take the brunt of their evil doings … so they (the selfish) can continue on their selfish path without paying the price for their evil ways. Basically, I’m tired of them playing the system and the system just giving up and making the innocent pay for the guilty. I want this nightmare to end. It’s been 11 years this past July. Eleven years!!! Eleven years of speaking TRUTH and pulling the layers and layers of evil off of me. I dealt with a double whammy. My bosses and my EX. Now, was my EX a ringer for my bosses (?) to do me under on the home front … or was he just in the right place at the right time taking advantage that my bosses had my attention focused on them … trying to keep my head above water with the wrath of my selfish bosses. I don’t know, but the courts continue to stick their heads under the sand and make victims continue to be victims. All I know know is that I’m never voting a career politician in to have a career in politics again. If the politician doesn’t do what he/she is suppose to do within their first term … next.
Wini:
I placed a call to an attorney yesterday who I have had several phone conversations with.
This man was running for family Ct judge and didn’t win the seal…..BUMMER.
I was in contact with him during hte elections and ws so impressed by his responses in regards to my questions to him about how he thought he would deal with a Cluster B from the bench….how could he see he could contribute to not victimizing the victims further by his rulings, also his ability to recognize abusive behaviors from his position…
Anyhow….I contacted him again in January, when I was so pigeon holed by my first attorney, ran flat out of money, credit cards cancelled and I had to get to the court with representation……I needed help, and I reached out to him for guidance…..he didn’t practice Family L….But I was desparate.
We spoke for about an hour, he called me back to check in, see if I followed through of what he suggested…e.tc…..
HE DIDN”T HAVE TO DO THIS! WHO WAS I TO HIM?
What he did during those calls was renewed my strength and faith…..I needed that to continue my fight….
I had been turned down by foundations, DV advocated, Legal aid, family, I was running into Sorrys…everywhere I turned!
I was running out of hope and looking at taking my case on myself…..
I called him yesterday adn we spoke for 2 hours……I wanted to thank him for the time he spent with me and mostly for the strenth he offered me to continue on……
He was blown away, he had no idea…..
We just never know how we touch others lives…..we may do things we think are insignificant or unimportant….but are lifechanging to others……
I wanted him to know he had made a difference!
He shared with me (we had a mutual appreciation day) that he had read all the info I sent him during the election and how interesting it was and how he sought out further info on sociopaths……he recognized the behaviors in clients and a family member….
he said he has spoken several times with others in his field about my situation…..because he ‘got it’ and got what I was trying to do by raising awareness in the courts….
He is doing HIS part…..
NICE!!!
I WAS THRILLED!
So….like I said…..keep on bringing it up…..talking about it and we just never know where our strength will be coming from……but I have confidence we will all do good things!
WOW!!!! ERIN!!!! GREAT!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!! You are so right, we never know how the bread we cast upon the waters may return as a very good thing, if not to us personally, to others down the line!!!!
Wini, keep that in mind! Because though our efforts don’t benefit us DIRECTLY sometimes we still do GOOD for others!
Think about the women who fought for equal votes for women, or the women who fought for a woman’s right to birth control information and equipment, and civil rights, etc etc. their work may NEVER have benefitted them, but it benefitted others down the line.
We may never see the results of our efforts to educate others in law, courts, etc but all our efforts are NOT necessarily lost when we DO GOOD!
Erin, you’re my hero, keep on keepin’ on.
I’m not putting you on a pedastal though. That’s too far of a drop!
Erin, I hear what you are saying. Unfortunately, I learned a long time ago about this truth, FOOLS love other fools. Fools are the SELL OUTS in life.
“Real” people don’t know they are being played and manipulated by others that loath and detest decent, honest, law abiding folks. “They” got to the top of the game of life by stepping on and over others as they smiled and pretended to be righteous. “They” are far from righteous. They just don’t want others to know. To ensure their fifdoms are protected, they hire other FOOLS to surround their turfs … who are equally or worse qualified to hold their own positions as the big shark is. No one works today … it’s all lip service … aka pretending to work. Some poorly paid clerk does the work! Ensure that you know the pee-on in any situation you are doing, for they are the ones that get the work done and never have the title, paycheck or glory.
Like your friend the attorney who is decent, they exist, but know that they are far and few between. The more decent people you let know that this man is real, the sooner this man can get to a position that will help real people in this world.
The only fear “the evil ones have” is to be outed. That attorney had good intentions, but he’s surrounded by a pool of sharks. My attorney for my suit against my managers sold me out behind my back and made deals for himself. The other attorney to get my house back, smiled over the phone and promised he would get my house back. In reality, he was my EXs attorney for a criminal offense … and only appeased me to get his fees paid by me. Talk about deception! These attorneys know the rules and the games being played and will play all of us for what they can get. Disgusting, but true. I found the folks at the top of the court are honest and want honest people to make it through the shark invested pool. Yes, I will have my body, mind and soul mangled while crossing the finish line, to find my EX will most likely get a slap on the wrist for what he’s done and will continue to do. This slapping the evil ones on the wrist is what is wrong with our justice system. I hope we are keeping a database here on LF. Some one has to do it to keep track of all the decent folks and all the predators.
Just a thought.
Peace.
Peace.
The deception is a difficult part to deal with.
It undermines every aspect of the battle.
Knowing the laws and the loopholes are just some of the things S’s become aware of..
BUT….we can too…..and use them to expose.
I feel, with well used ‘tools’, we can prevail!
Thanks agian Wini
Erin, I wished they could be permanently painted SLIME GREEN once they are outed. It would make life so much easier. Then again, we’d probably flip out seeing how many of them really walk among us (LOL). I wonder if the guy who wrote the HULK knew about them? Funny how these themes get played over and over with creative artistry. Vampires, witches, Hanzle and Gretel, kiss a frog and guess what … it gives you warts (SMILE).
Peace.