(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
See, right there… Skylar: “he may get tired of hearing about the P pretty soon”. I’d be like: he’s not tired YET, this means RED FLAG: my P set out to get me and did – at whatever cost (3am my emotional rantings, any time of day, any day of the week – he made himself available to me, totally, entirely, proclaiming his undying love, modeling utmost organization and patience, accepting any and all … By the time I realized I was disarmed, I was deeply – head over heals in love with him, and willing to overlook manipulation, lies, cheating, emotional abuse, & did I mention – cheating, manipulation, etc. you get the pic. By the time he became a leach in my life, I was happy to be his provider – milking cow. So, now – the better they treat me, the further I run…
Cute analogy with the Libido getting confused. In fact, for the first time ever I was able to manage few totally emotionless sexual encounters. It felt strange to be able to not engage emotionally at all. It felt wrong and disappointing. “Poor” Ps – they have to do it all the time… My libido decided it was not worth the risks involved and the social norms to be broken. Red Flag (sigh). Maybe, I am not ready yet… Wonder if this too shall pass.
Steve – this is a very good article – thank you. Breckgirl your post was spell bounding, thank you for your honesty. PInow it is too soon for you too even think about dating, give yourself some time alone and get to know you, you need more time than one year. The time will come when you wont be on P alert, but give yourself time.
Steve – I shared your post with my therapist this AM.
She was really amazed at how you got it.
She is a wonderful therapist – I feel like she has helped me to save my life.
We have also discussed how “people” as in the general public just don’t usually get it or have an awareness of sociopathy / psychopathy and really how in a sense everyday it is. Anyway – she thought what you wrote was terrific – as I obviously do – it echoes so much of what I am feeling/thinking/going through. (As I posted above).
Thank you again – thanks to Donna and Dr. Leedom. I am so grateful for the knowledge and the support.
Dearest Steve,
How kind you are to share even more insight upon the unhealthy, spiritually draining dynamic between a predator and his/her string of victims. There always will be victims before, during and after for these fiends. Always.
They are incorrigible, therefore a waste of finite time, emotional and rational, logical depth, and precious resources.
Don’t know about the rest of you awesome peeps but I’m sooo DONE with all the crap, the melodrama, the insanity created by PDIs. I have happily shed the tenuous hope I attached upon toxic, harmful, dangerous predators.
I’ve become the “just walk away” gal and it is empowering to my mind, my heart and my spirit to do just that.
Thank you, Steve, for your continued compassion and concern for good, decent and loving people.
And to you, Miss Donna, for being a stalwart warrior and inspiration for all of us who are hurting or who once hurt, but are now healing tremendously.
I love you folks. All of you.
🙂
Thank you Henry – funny how there are days when something here just fits where I am like a glove.
And to recovering – yes I am noticing now a sense of detachment about so many things (except for my darling children) – in an odd way – not numb but I guess I am becoming more of an observer.
I was at a 12 step group meeting last night (I am a recovered alcoholic with 17 years clean and sober – I was lucky and got sober in my mid twenties)…and shortly before it began a man verbally attacked me, very openly and viciously and for no reason. He runs that meeting right now, and he has significant sobriety time like me – others were as shocked as I was. I calmly let it pass even though inside I felt upset but in the oddest way – I noticed my upset but also I was so clearly aware that it was not about me – that he has some serious issues (I don’t know this man except by name and he does not know me…but obviously something is bothering him…) Two people came to me later – they were upset as well and I just calmly told them it was okay – this was about him not me. Later in the meeting towards the end he was exceedingly rude to another gentleman.
One of my girlfriends, who was so bothered, showed up at my home about 20 minutes after I got home. She was more upset for me than I was and she brought me flowers. It was such a nice, loving gesture. I am lucky to be cared for – to have concern for my feelings by another person – it really touched me – I joked and told her I should tell him he is welcome to publicly scream at me anytime as it gets me flowers… 🙂
BUT The nicest thing was – I did not take it personally, it did not crush me, I was affected but in a healthy way – and I am getting better and better about recognizing and withdrawing from people who harm others.
I truly believe as awful and devastating as my experience with my Narcissiopath has been it has really been like President Reagan (whatever you may think of him) at the Brandenburg Gate when he said – Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall – and they started to tear down the wall between east and west Berlin. This experience is creating a pivotal change in the course of my beingness – for the better in all areas of my life.
There is still great pain and fear at times – especially about trusting others – particularly men. Fear especially when I am actually attracted to someone – I freeze up and feel nauseated at times. But that is okay – as much as I long for the kind of relationship I imagined my ex and I would be together – I have many moments of longing and grief for that – I am willing to be patient and grow myself healthier every day and wait – and I try to focus on the many good people and things in my life and know that I can enjoy myself – and live with the grief because it is not a mortal wound, it is not an exhausting 24/7 drain on me like he was.
And so yes I am sad at times and yes I am lonely for the physical comfort of a man and yes for the humor and shared jokes and all of that – but I console myself with a good book and a cup of tea – or I snuggle into my children’s beds and hold them for a bit, or I decide now would be an excellent time to clean that closet that so needs it – and I organize and clean and grow myself healthier and healthier and freer and freer ever day.
And I am learning who I am. It is hard to truly let go of your preconceived or implanted in your head voices about who or what you are supposed to do or be and learn what it is that truly brings you joy but I am starting – standing on the precipice of a new life, a new me. A me that feels valuable and loved because I take in the love that has always been there in abundance for me and I reject the voices and people that are devils advocates for my worthlessness and not ever quite making the grade, never being enough – that unending maw of insatiable demands. I am turning my back and marching away from the dark and into the light.
Oh I am sorry this is so long. If you read this far thank you.
I am so very grateful today. *tears and smiles*
Breckgirl…
Steve:
This is my first time responding to LF. I’ve been reading posts for a couple of weeks now, but your post was incredibly timely, as my N/S sent me an email this morning saying the following:
“I have no desire to contact you again, as you will only treat me badly again. That is why I came to this account this morning – to let you know that I have realized the truth about you.
You have a long history of convincing yourself that people are all sorts of bad things – which is why you have been engaged so many times and had so many relationships. You can call me all the names you want, I know they are wrong and I have had my eyes opened to the true you in the past four weeks. The liar is the one that completely shuts down within 12 hours of calling the other their best friend and soul mate.
I have never been treated as badly by anyone ever as you have treated me – yet I worked to ignore your treatment for four weeks and you continued to do it. I see now why slinky and sb feel the way about you that they do. This is just like what we talked about – find out what the one consistent thing is and get rid of it – well, the consistent is you. It is not that you “find the wrong guys” as you said – it is how you treat them and how you then convince yourself that they are bad – when they are only responding to your abusive treatment.
Good luck – you will need it.”
This was his response to my breaking NC of 3 weeks to tell him I was glad he found someone else who’s more understanding than me, better in bed, more fun, etc., and to let him know that I knew he was a N/S and a pathological liar (thanks to LF, I’m certain that he is!). He had sent me a particularly nasty email last night about his new girlfriend, and I broke my silence. Now I’m worried about what he’ll do next.
It’s a very long story, all that’s happened between us, so I’ll keep it short for now. Suffice it to say that he has been supremely capable of turning any complaint or concern I ever had into my fault, my own craziness, my own severe troubles. Our 3 year relationship just ended in mid-August, when he broke yet another promise to me and blamed the fact that he broke it on my lack of understanding of his situation, and how if I’d just bail him out financially, he’d make good on that promise. I had just been on vacation with my daughter, where I had a break from talking to him 5 times a day on the phone (at his insistence) and gained some clarity. His breaking of the promise and then gaslighting me on it was the final straw. I saw the light, and then I got online and found this blog.
Thank you to everyone who has written posts and responses. You have helped me to know that I’m not crazy, just way too forgiving of unbelievable bad behavior. I can’t recall who wrote it, but I’m stealing their words: he is a Bad Man, masquerading as a caring socially concerned school administrator. It took me so long to finally be able to listen to my instincts, which screamed at me from the beginning, but he told me that those instincts were wrong, they were the reason why my marriage failed, why I was having trouble with a man at work and that if I just stopped having ‘wrong perceptions’ of him that all would be good.
I felt so sorry for his childhood abuse, his ‘mean wife’ (oh yes, he’s married–I’m a fool), the fact that he just couldn’t trust anyone, his fear of abandonment, etc. I let him play on my empathy, my love and my desire to help. Boy was he good. I’m only starting to understand all the things he said that were lies.
He’s called me non-stop for the past month. It’s been interesting watching him do ALL the things that a N/S does, switching tactics as he didn’t get responses, moving from comments of undying love to how I was just evil and mean for ignoring him, back to how it will never be the same for either of us, after having the perfect love, to the email last night where he tells me he’s replaced me–but is still contacting me!
Ugh. I’ll stop for now, but I have a feeling I’ll be typing more–it feels cathartic to get it out.
May we all truly learn and heal from the torture of these ‘Bad People’.
Hopingtoheal, Welcome to the site. It’s amazing how much alike many of them are. It could well be any one of the men we, bloggers, dated. or, IS it one and the same? My X’s daughter told me that he will take any and all information he gains about you to turn it around and then use it against you. She also said he does not forget a thing. Sounds familiar?
Good luck with your healing. I am glad your daughter is not subjected to the lies and bitterness these people project.
Thanks, PInow. I wish I could say that my daughter isn’t subjected to the lies and bitterness, but unfortunately, her father, my ex-husband, is a true psychopath. (I didn’t learn my lesson from him, and the most recent N/S ‘helped’ me through the divorce–I was weak, sad, depressed, and eager to prove that I was loveable–a real target).
My ex lies to her constantly. The amazing thing is that she, at 9, sees through his behavior and his lies. She’s much more intuitive than I have been, and has labeled his behavior and that of his psychopath girlfriend very well–all without the aid of LF! 🙂
I’m trying so hard to make sure that she doesn’t end up like all of us here have–as a victim. At the same time, I’m trying to encourage her to have empathy and understanding, in an effort to ensure she doesn’t become yet another P. it’s such a fine line to walk.
I read your post Breckgirl, and I’m impressed at your great attitude to being attacked – you just let it slide and got flowers!
Hoping to heal: welcome, so glad our posts at LF were helpful to you. I’m also amazed at your daughter’s intuitiveness. I’m getting the impression that young people are actually better equipt to learn these lessons than we are – they learn fast and don’t resist the truth. So now it’s up to us to teach them.
The best thing you can do is to tell her, in graphic detail, how to spot a P. Follow that up with exemplary behavior on your part so she has someone to model. Your ability to be the exact opposite of the P and to set boundaries for yourself so that others cannot abuse you, will help her know what to do.
Steve and All,
Thank-you, Steve, for another exquisite article. This is the line that spoke to me the most: And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
The most vivid ‘feeling memory’ I have is that of longing, of wanting more from him. Always feeling like if I could just get him to give what he kept dangling in front of me, I would be satisfied.
And so I thought it was me. I thought because I wanted monongamy. Because I bugged him to co-habitate and go the the next ‘step’ in relationship building. Because I wanted to have the time back that he was willing to spend with me the first 6 months, but which dwindled to perfunctory maintenance during the last 4.
As he quickly withdrew his ‘promise’ I appeared to be the insatiable one. This is the amazing trick about their projections. It seems to me they are experts at setting us up to act out their inner sickness. Their emptiness, their loneliness, their anger, their contempt.
So, thank-you a zillion times for helping me, once again, let myself off the hook of blame.
JaneSmith: you are an absolute inspiration and a BEEEOOOOTEEFULL person. I love sharing in your healing, self-respect/love, and strength.
Hopingtoheal: Welcome to LF. That email is at once nauseating and completely ridiculous. All projections and lies. I am so glad you are here. You just continue to treat him ‘badly’ by staying NO contact. He deserves nothing and you deserve to have your life back.