(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Hopingtoheal….Good for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not falling for that email. GEEZ. TOTAL PROJECTION. Ass backwards. WOW! That is one of those jaw-dropping emails that lets you know you are truly with a disturbed person. A personality disorder that we don’t know how to fix.
Steve, I’m rather fascinated by why this post hasn’t gotten as much response as fast as most of your others. I think it is because it is the dead-on last truth that we have to face….and as you pointed out, we don’t want to face it.
As Sandra Brown says, we find the nanosecond of sanity in his behavior and hold on for dear life!!!
To admit that he is evil, to admit there is no fix, to admit that all our words might as well been a foreign language (and in fact were to him!), that we had it wrong all along (except for those times when a red flag got through…or we felt anger, even rage… when we drew a line in the sand for a day or two)….well it is DEVASTATING.
Like someone said, it is like finding out why the farmer has kept feeding you, the cow. It is like finding out that he was paid to act a role and this is a very sick episode of Candid Camera (for those old enough to remember that), that nothing he did was real, it was all a put-on to achieve a goal. It is like discovering that for the last year (or twenty years) of your life most things you believed in with all your heart and soul were a lie. (Actually, it isn’t LIKE that, it IS that!) It is like finding out that the allergy you were told you had was really cancer and you’ve wasted all this time treating the wrong disease, and now it really has a hold on you. You are in stage one million of cancer. It almost seems too late to heal.
No one wants to admit that.
One of your earlier posts really has the key to getting beyond this…the one on radar for the wrong person. Once you realize what red flags you saw and ignored, or what red flags you didn’t see and WHY….the feelings of powerlessness, of “what is wrong with me” disappear. Even if you discover some faulty thinking or past patterns of abuse in yourself, you realize IT IS OKAY. Once you know what those are and how to compensate for them, you are on the road to POWER.
Now I see myself even in little things, recognizing the red flags of a con. Going to buy a car is an excellent place to practice setting boundaries and refusing to be conned. Also reading some of the stupid romance novels or articles in COSMO is also good practice. I shake my head and say to myself, poor heroine, if this were real life, you’d be toast!
It is a shame that teen girls are raised on that drivel.
Steve, one more comment.
Dr. Leedom is right in her latest post that sometimes guys far along on the p spectrum or those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do in fact themselves believe they are in love (the idealization stage), but that is where we have to recognize the red flag of love that comes too quickly, love that is mostly words not actions, etc. A long time ago I read somewhere that a man who is truly in love is not coherent and eloquent when he expresses that. That a really beautifully expressed sentiment of love is usually not that real. The P I was involved with would say the most romantic things that just melted me.
My husband, who REALLY loves me, said rather matter of factly: “I guess by now you know I love you.” And you know, that is perfect. Because he was saying, surely my actions have given me away. And they had. He had shown me in so many ways that my happiness was very, very important to him.
the P never did. But he said lines worthy of a movie….and in some cases, that is just where he got them from!!!
Justabouthealed –
I think your point about this being the last truth we have to face is amazingly accurate – at least in my case –
I remember the moment it hit me –
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
I am a good decent person who was exploited and manipulated.
What freedom – OMG such a weight dropped from my shoulders.
My only failing was not knowing – and today I know and I hope to help educate others – particularly younger kids. Like MADD has done for drinking and driving with kids I would like to create or assist in some form of education that teaches and empowers the next generation to recognize N/P/S behaviour and to protect themselves from it – to identify it and call it out.
I’m not sure who it is here that posted about Obama as being an N or S but I believe MOST politicians and heads of finance and other industries like the UAW and the utility companies are run by N/P/S people and therefore their duty to the rest of us is not first and foremost – raping and pillaging our wallets and lives is the general MO and hence the destruction of our country – by the way lest anyone think I paint Obama alone – I believe the Bushes are equally culpable –
…..
(I am a strict Constitutionalist and believe as did our Founders that GOD imbued us with inalienable rights – it is the Congress and courts allowing liberal use of interpretative or assuming intent rather than actual meaning that has allowed our country to crumble.)
It all started so wonderfully. He was the most charming man I had ever met. We talked for hours…..little did I know he was finding out everything about me….all of my vulnerabilities. The voids in my life. He told me just enough about him to make me believe we had the special bond….like he was “giving” too. Soon he filled ever void in my life and made me feel like no one had ever done before. He used to call it “the little things”. Doing the little things for me that made me feel so special.
He warned me, however, even in the beginning, that he had a way of becoming distant from time to time and that is what killed all of his other relationships. But I was different, he knew I would understand. Well, it wasn’t his personality at all. It was when he had enough of me and decided he wanted another woman for a while. He would all of the sudden stop talking to me and become very silent. He would tell me he was busy at work and I had to understand. Or busy with his kids. I soon found out that it wasn’t that at all…..he had found someone new. But he wanted me to be available whenever he decided it okay.
When I became wise to this and started questioning him or became angry with him, he would retaliate with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. He would become very angry and tell me I was crazy!! That I formulated crazy ideas in my head.
What is funny, is that I did everything for him. Pay his bills, make Dr. appts, etc…..so I had access to his phone records. Even when confronted with the truth, he still lied and acted as if I was the crazy one.
The crazy thing is I loved him so much that I started to make excuses for him and rationalize that I must have done something wrong to make him feel that way or want someone else. That I could forgive him and move on.
It’s been 9 months now since we parted ways and every day is still a struggle. He has called me or emailed several times since then and told me how sorry he is. That he misses me so much. Every time I give him the benefit of a doubt and take him back. But I’ve now learned that it’s only for the sex. As soon as he gets what he wants he disappears for weeks. When I try to contact him, he gets angry and tells me that HE will contact me when HE can. He yells at me and tells me that he is going to change his number. Treats me like I am stalking him!!!!!! It has been the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with and I don’t know how to break away.
Every waking moment he consumes my thoughts. What did I do wrong? I thought he loved me. It is so hard to distinguish btw the man he was before and who he is now. I think to myself that it can’t be real. That no one could act that in love just to get what they want. How could someone be so cruel?
Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.
Slimone, Hopingtoheal…thanks for sharing your insightful, revealing stories.
JustAboutHealed, you too. thanks very much. To some extent my next post addresses the last, added point you made…speaking to idealized states of love, etc., and their daner. how ironic that you point that out.
i must admit to some disappointment (and appreciate your own puzzlement) over the relative lack of response to my latest post which I spent quite some time thinking about. Your suggestions are interesting. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and share as generously as you always do!
Steve
Sarasims,
you have to break off all contact until you land back on earth. Because he is keeping you in fantasy land by jerking on your emotional strings.
He has no emotions of his own so he is feeding off yours.
There is nothing there for you, unless you like lies.
Lies are all he will offer you. Everything good about him is a lie and everything bad about him is the truth.
Once you are away from him for a long enough time and you have read enough of LoveFraud’s blog and some of the links people post to other great websites, you will become a different person. It will hurt much less and you will know how to protect yourself.
Dear Sarasims,
I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience, but you have fortunately landed in the LOVEFRAUD “club” and this is where you will learn about him, what he is and why he did what he did, (knowledge=power) and you will start to heal, to recover yourself, and realize it is all about HIM for him, he does not, did not, and never did care about you. You were just a trophy “fish” and he hooked you with the “bait” that would tempt you the most. Once he had you hooked, landed and your “head” mounted on his wall, he went after other fish.
Oh, yes, they can FAKE IT SO WELL. I’m sorry you have had this bitter experience, but you can come out the other side a much wiser, and stronger person. It will cease to be learning about him and others like him, and become about YOU. YOUR HEALING AND GROWTH. He will become UN-important to you eventually. Hang in here, read and learn. Go back through the old archived articles and read them all (there are hundreds) but work your way through them one at a time, just read the articles, but come here and blog and ask questions and make comments and vent if you need to. Everyone here has had a P-experience (or more) so we do “get it” and can pretty well relate to your pain! Welcome! You are at a good place. God bless (Hugs)))
Skylar and OxDrover…
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. You are the first contact I’ve had with someone that’s “been there”. This has been so hard for me. First of all, I’d like to think I’m not stupid….but this whole ordeal has made me feel that way and it’s also made me feel like the only one this has ever happened to. I went to see a therapist and although it helped some, he didn’t seem to “want to” or “know how to address the SP”. My friends insist that I just forget him and move on – like nothing ever happened. And yet, I feel this unsuppressable urge to talk about it. To try and understand.
When it all first happened – the breakup – he was cruel and cut me completely out of his life. Changed his number and had the new woman call and threaten me. Told me I was stalking him. Yet he had just weeks before been calling me telling me how much he loved me, how we could start over and how he needed me in his life. I was totally railroaded!!! I had no idea what was going on and why or HOW he could do this to someone he loved? A friend identified him as a SP which I knew nothing about and at the time didn’t really look into.
The longer this on/off thing has gone on, I began to research and found this site. It has made me feel so much better. When I get the urge to check my email, I come here and read. I want to heal so badly. And I know the day will come. But until then, it’s just me finding the strength the next time he decides to contact me. The past few times have ended so horribly. When he wont talk to me after he gets what he wants I end up saying some really horrible things to him – which he totally deserves. But I think, after that, “he will never be back”. He even yells at me and tells me he never wants to see me again. But then he ALWAYS comes back. I wonder how one person can be so stupid? That he just doesn’t see what he’s doing to me or how cold hearted he is being?
But the sad part is that some part of me wants him to come back. Up to this point the love I had for him keeps giving him one more chance.
Im finding it hard, still, to stay NC with my 45year old daughter, D.I set 2 boundaries 3 months ago, since then, she hasnt contacted me, and I know I CANT contact her if I value my sanity, my mental and emotional well being, my bank balance,{which is finally starting to recover, as well as I am!}
I still get feelings of guilt, even tho I know its False guilt, as I no longer owe her ANYTHING, I know she only ever rang me upto soften me up prior to touching me for “loan’. It never ended up a loan, as I always gave the money to her, knowing itwould be impossible to get it back.
{I borrowed A$7,000 and gave it to her 2 years ago, as she was drowning in credit card debt. Im sure shes still up to her eyes in debt.} I had to pay this loan back, it took me a year, and she didnt give me a cent towards it..I know she doesnt give a rats behind about me,that she said she loved me, but it was only a ploy to soften me up. I know that if she DID love me shed do what I asked and apologise for all the mean, rotten, heartless cruel things she has done to me over the last 30 years,{and I do mean DONE}. But I have a sinking feeling its not going to happen, she wont say “Sorry, Mum”.I have my self respect back now, and if I call her, I know she will think, “Mums buckled under, Ive won again! Yipeee!!”Do I miss her? I miss what she could have become, she is still a beautiful woman on the outside, but inside I know she is a lying, manipulative,cruel, heartless selfish con artist who will use anyone she can to get what she wants, then toss them aside like a used Kleenex.I look at recent photos of her from her facebook page,{ones I saved before she removed meas “friend”,3 months ago. }This was when I told her the Mum bank was now closed, permanently, so I was no longer a source of supply to her.Sheis smiling, but the smiles never reach her eyes, as her ex says, “Its creepy, M, she looks like shes made of wax” Very red lipstick, always in red and black,very dark dyed black hair, she looks like what she is , a Vampire! The pics give me the shudders!! She has her 14 year old daughter now on facebook asa “friend”.Hello? its her daughter! She doesnt see much of her 3 kids now, as her ex has them full time. {She had to move out of her flat, lost her fulltime job, no car, is bunking inwith a ‘friend”}. Her ex told me that she
agreed to babysit the kids fora long weekend, while he went for a break with his new girlfriend. “Felt strange, M, he said, “coming home and finding a strange bloke making coffee in my kitchen!”Obviously this new squeeze stayed the weekend with her. So, she was hooked up with another poor sucker, he is the one she is “bunking in” her ex is a great dad to these poor kids, they get love, boundaries, and stability with him. Im relievedto tell you, the longer I go NC with her, the better I feel. I dread the phonecall, touching me for cash, the crocodile tears on the phone,{always got me, that!!} the lies, the worry how she was surviving. I still worry, but not so much. Life is starting to feel good. I have my lovely new adult “kids”. I have a loving husband, I am so very lucky. Imso glad I fled for my life in 1982, from my Alcoholic Narc. huband. I truly believe Id be mad or dead by now if Id stayed. Love, Gem.XXI remember how my hand used to shake when I picked up the phone,and it was her, and the knot of dread in my stomach, hearing her voice. Red flags? I could have made a tent village with all of them!Gem.