(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Sarasims,
he has sex with you, not for the sex, but for the fight he gets to pick with you afterwards. I’ll explain. The pleasure he gets is from seeing you tortured, but it is better to torture you if he makes you happy first, then the fall will be that much further.
This is exactly what my P did to me. I began to notice that, after sex there would inevitably be a fight. And I thought, hmmm…I’m getting off of this rollercoaster because as bad as the fights are, they are far more devastating to me when they occur after I’ve made myself vulnerable and intimate with him.
My P even told me just this year that when he decides to destroy someone’s life, he will first make them really happy so that the fall will be that much more devastating. He was alluding to another person, but it was all a lie, he was actually talking about me.
I wouldn’t even call him cold hearted because you would need a heart for that. HE ISN’T HUMAN AT ALL.
In fact from what you describe, I’m thinking you might be involved with my P! Are you in Washington state?
Steve,
OMG, this post was so dead on. It’s truth effected me more than I can even begin to express to you. A light dawned that won’t go away this time. I have read it over and over saying “Yes, that’s so me.” So, so, so dead on. It went to the heart of my feelings What I had wished and hoped for and why I had kept working on myself to keep trying and giving. Because, once in a while, I was thrown a crumb and thought that crumb was what he felt. He was finally letting his guard down and showing me the man hiding inside.
That little glimpse was the “real” him if only I could figure out a way to tap into his “real” self. And, it was always my fault when things were not right.. All the OW –everything. For 14 years. I tried and tried, helped him with everything , forgave things I’m still in disbelief over, worked, forgave again, smiled when I was falling apart inside, forgave, listened to lie after lie, forgave. Problems coming to me and through me like a never ending freight train while I waited to cross the tracks and have this relationship go somewhere, anywhere.
We could never work on anything. And why? Because he couldn’t deal with stress and God forbid I talked about anything upsetting the poor thing. He would rage and leave, and I would cry… Gotta go. I have just made myself feel ill. Thank you again for your wonderful post Steve. I have put it on the wall in my bedroom to look at as long as I need to. The rate I am going it will be a long time.
Geminigirl,
I just wanted to send you a hug because I know how hard it is to go NC with a close family member too. I went NC with my mother after a particularly revealing conversation on Mothers Day where her narcissism came shining through, after growing up with her neglect and abuse. I want you to know that I dream about her often, about the mother I wish she could be and the family I wish I could have that doesn’t exist. She isn’t anywhere near as bad as your daughter, and still she is toxic to me. It’s sad to cut off a family member, but at least you have some peace in your life. I admire your courage.
Sarasims… your S experience reminds me of mine. He was all about power and control in the ways you described and much of the real him came out after we broke up, interestingly. I believe my S was of the “I’ll leave you before you find out who I really am and leave me” mentality because he was finding it more difficult to sneak around as our relationship progressed. He had managed a double life with his ex wife for years because she only saw/believed what she wanted to given her own issues, sadly. She too is now finally wising up to the fact that her marriage wasn’t what she believed it to be, but that is her story…
On another note though, my therapist and I have talked about the fact that for multiple reasons some of these S’s need to have more than one woman at a time (often they are the more borderline personality disordered ones who fear abandonment and can’t tolerate intimacy & are controlling in order to have the relationship/intimacy on their terms) but one of the most significant is the need to have the “wife” and the “girlfriend” who “fullfill” different needs for them.
When mine met me he was married and he left his wife to be with me… he knew I wouldn’t be second string and that if he was *that* unhappy with his wife then he needed to ante up, LOL. As I learned, though, his ensuing divorce was the kiss of death for our “relationship.” The mask stayed on while I saw him through the divorce, and in the months following he was prince charmin (short version) but as soon as I was the one emerging in the “wife” role it appears that things became boring for him as it does for S’s and he needed excitement and somebody else to fill the girlfriend role… my therapist jokingly said I could’ve spent my whole life with him if only I’d “allowed” him to stay married…
The beginning of your relationship was practically text book to mine – sounds like the same guy. Then it changed and I was given the warnings that he could be distant, needed his space, busy with work, kids blah blah blah, too. He even once emailed me about making plans and said something akin to “Give it time, I’m like nature….always unpredictable and with its seasons…” How nice of him to be giving me an encoded message about his true nature!!
I am sorry you are hurting, but glad you had a wise friend to point you to his true nature, and that you have found the loevfraud community for support… Your deep desire to heal will serve you well on this journey…
HP
Nokeeper….thank you for your feedback!, and keep at it!! You are on the right path. There’s a lot of healing to do, and you can heal a bit more every day. Keep in touch.
Steve
Skylar and Hecates…
No….I live in Texas! LOL! It’s really scary that all of these guys are text book and sooooo much alike. But it is very comforting to know that there is a place like this that we can come and share our stories, our information and begin the healing process. It’s FINALLY starting to make some sort of twisted sense. And hearing all of your perspectives makes me think of things that I haven’t thought of before.
Skylar…..As you and others probably have experienced, I have spent countless HOURS reliving every moment that I can remember. Analyzing, trying to figure out what I did wrong….what I could have done differently…..what I said that made him so angry. All I ever tried and tried to do was give him love. He told me stories of how other women had always taken from him and never given of themselves. He asked me in the beginning to never change. He even told me to never say “NO” to him! At the time, I didn’t think much of that – but now OMG! I did everything I could possibly do to make him happy. In the beginning, he did the same for me….actually before I started doing it for him! Then – well you know the ending. And in the end, it seemed sex was the only thing that made him happy. And for me, it was like “A FIX”. I longed for it bc it was the only time he seemed so affectionate and loving….like in the beginning. It was a fix – like a drug addiction – that on the downside left me anxious and longing for more of him. Your perspective has given me a new light on the situation and makes complete sense! Do you think they realize what they are doing? Do they have sex for the purpose of the torture? Or is it a bonus to the sex?
Hecates…..WOW! Your perspective on the wife/girlfriend situation hits home. The first time I realized things were changing….that he wasn’t acting the same, I realized, he was viewing me as his wife. I was paying his bills, making doctor appts for him, running his errands, making him meals, taking breakfast to him at work, etc. I tried to step back and make things more exciting – but by that time, I found out he was with another woman (through rumors which he denied!). It’s like this vicious cycle….moving one woman in and keeping one woman on the backburner. At that point he wanted to keep me in the dark and wanted me there only when convenient for him. But then when I found him out…. like your SP…“I’ll leave you before you find out who I really am and leave me.” If I called him on “the truth” he always became VERY ANGRY and told me I was CRAZY…that I formulated these things in my mind! In the end he told me life was not a fairy tale and that it was all my fault bc I tried to hard – bc I wanted “too much” of him and his life was too busy for that. Funny, in the beginning, he wanted me around or texted me ALL day long! Getting angry if I didn’t text him back. Even the past few months when he came around “at his convenience” – if he called, he expected me to drop everything and meet him right away. The urgency to see me and hold me was immediate. If I didn’t respond to a text, he was texting right away saying “are you there?”. But the next day – I was history again!
Thinking back – his girlfriend before me called me in the beginning. She didn’t really warn me but wanted to know who I was bc she found my number on his phone bill!!!! Yes, she was the me – before me…paying bills, etc. She said this had been going on with him for 7 years! She actually dealt with it that long! I guess he kept (or maybe even keeps) going back to her too! But now I realize why – bc she lets him and falls for his manipulations every time.
For me….every time he comes back and tells me how sorry he is….I fall for it. Then I hate myself for being sooooo STUPID! And every time he does it, I long for him to come back so I have the opportunity to “get even”! To reject him and make him hurt the way I’ve hurted. I want the chance to show him I’m strong and can tell him to “go %$^$ himself! But I NEVER do!
I’ve hoped and prayed for a new beginning. To wake up one day and forget he ever existed. To wake up or go to sleep at night with thoughts of something other than him.
I do feel that finding this site will serve me well on this journey. Hearing from all of you and seeing the stories and posts makes me realize that “others have gone before me” and made it. I have vowed that I will not let him win. He will not destroy me and will not continue to have this hold on me!
Oh I wanted to add that another way he kept me close was by telling me that his life had been full of turmoil. Kids scattered all over the place with different women. But I had accepted him despite that. I thought he was making a positive change in his life and I supported him….believed in him. Encouraged him. He told me didn’t believe in God but “if there was a heaven, it was the time he spent with me”. I was the only good in his life and he called me his angel bc he didn’t care what anyone other than me thought of him. When I thought bad things were going on, that was his favorite comeback. I just couldn’t believe that what we had wasn’t REAL. How does one treat you so good….like you mean the world to them then OVER NIGHT become this monster that you don’t even know?
How pathetic – RIGHT?
Sarasism,
Welcome to LF. When I read your first post Itoo thought you might have been involved with the path I was involved with. I think you nailed the lies and manipulation on the head. LOL.
As for your last post, and the life of turmoil thing. That was the single thing that kept me hooked. I kept thinking I met him at a time of struggle and stress. Then, as the months went by I realized the chaos just went on and on and on…..and then I was a part of the chaos.
It broke my heart to realize this. It was part of the beginning of the end. The guy I knew told me he had never felt so safe with anyone, and cried in my cry while I held his hand.
I am so sorry for your pain…..Welcome to LF, glad you found your way here.
Beautifully written article. And so true.
It was HIM! The Bad Man.
Yeah well, I DID go to a phychologist and she pointed to an empty chair next to me and explained “that since he wasn’t here, that we’ll NEVER know!” That…” maybe it was your fault too.” (right. like i asked him for forty thousand dollars since I couldn’t get my name on his house and HE kept leaving me) He did those things! Now his new girlfriend bought him a Harley Davidson motorcycle and he gets her a new puppy. Oh. Now they’re getting married Oct. 3rd. of this year. Its on his my-space. (I couldn’t help looking/trolling). G-D HELP ME.
PLUS why is she announcing it on his my-spce? You know? Thank g-d I’m so gone from him. Still it is nice to keep your friends close but your enemies CLOSER!