(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Sorry…Peggy just described my husband.
I signed off because he announced, over the intercom, that if i wanted to go with him to pick the dog up at the groomers and get a bite to eat, he would be leaving in a couple of minutes. Oh, and he wasn’t going to wait more than a minute.
Well, he left in less than 1 minute…and now he’s called to say he went for gasoline and will come back to pick me up at the end of the driveway.
Boy…should that make me feel special?
IM,
you need to get his SS # and get a credit report. You need to know if he has other assets. Judging by his behavior and need to control finances, he is stashing money away from YOU. So, if he is then you need to know about it because when your lawyer finds out, he might use that in your favor.
take one little step at a time and be boring so as not to attract attention.
CONTROL AND ENVY AND SHAME. Money and sex are just part of those 3.
My xP despised me for 25 years and I was oblivious of it. It wasn’t just control for the sake of control, he also needed to see me suffer. That is the most important thing. I was the one he would torture because he hates his mother so much but can’t torture her.
I guess that is one of the things that still has me confused. If you hate someone so much, why would you choose to be in their presence? Can you not get a life? Why would you choose to have your entire existance revolve around someone you despise? SO BIZARRE! That must be what hell is all about. So they are not going there, they already are there.
Sarasims,
This guy sounds seriously manipulative. This is really a case where you need to press the mute button. Stop listening to what he says and start observing his behaviors. The words are very sweet, but you know they don’t mean anything. The behaviors are destroying you. Every time you take him back after his sweet talking, he destroys you a little more. I remember what it’s like to be drawn in by the sweet words. I had 25 messages on my voice mail from the sociopath telling me how he is in love with me, how he is sorry he hurt me, and how he can’t wait for his divorce to come through so things can be different. He never said an unkind word to me. All of his talk was about marriage, us, and what a great woman I am. You can imagine how confusing it was when he started standing me up and not calling when he said he would. He always had an excuse and a lot of sweet talking. I’d sleep with him. Then he’d do it again. All I can say is thank GOD I found out what a sociopath was before he did any more damage than what he already did. It could have been a lot worse for me.
Saraisms:
You are getting some very good advice here to protect yourself.
What is your situation? How long married, etc. My ex had 3 cell phones. Why does a person need more than 1?
If I was you, I would turn into an investigator. Phone. Computer. Bills. Credit report. Bank statements. I would even put a tracking device on his vehicle.
Knowledge is power.
Peggy
P.S. I would NOT play his game and jump when he demands it.
It is interesting that these “people” have a common modus operandi that now have come to the light to us after we have been in the dark. I liken it to the Invasion of the Body Snatchers- just pray you wake up in time to squash the pods before they get you. I was left totally feeling stupid by a female(yes you can not assume they all are male) who made me feel like I was the only one in her world. But unknown to me she was doing the same thing with every breathing male in the world. She also did play on my weakness as she knew I had problems with our boss- a principal. She accused me of harassment which of course means that I am guilty until I prove mysef innocent. I do also check her facebook where she has many “friends”, some of whom were my friends first,and who taught school with me before and not with her. It was like I am going to ruin you, take your friends, force you to leave the workplace you love, and if that doesn’t work, probably invent something even more cruel to do. In the end I am better off as I finally realized my stupidity as I hope we all can. They will change the rules of their game, so if you did jump through all of the hoops to please them, to win the prize, all you get is a Chuck E Cheese toy. And they will dance with the devil to rain hell on you, so if that is what you want, go for it. I say get involved with living and don’t lose that giving spirit. Just give to those who appreciate it. Bless
Now that I think about it, the reason he hated me so much might have to do with shame. His predatory nature makes him need to find another “mark” to leach off. Women are his specialty, but he needs to hate/scapegoat his mark in order to justify his behavior. Rather than feel the shame for what he does, he just despises the scapegoat. That hate overwelms him and thus his whole life becomes dedicated to that hate. Just like Hitler!
You are right, skylar, in order to make themselves feel “superior” there always has to be an inferior.
My ex S NEVER said one nice thing about anyone. His favorite saying was, “they’re so stupid”. Always a different “they”.
They are like a two-year old in the “me me me” phase and never grow up. Sick, twisted people are sociopaths!
Sociopaths actually never do actually feel shame, however, …or anything that has to do with a conscience. No guilt, either. And they are never sorry for the devastation and pain they cause.
Skylar I have thought of you today. If I had a helicopter I would fly over too your island and drop down a rope and rescue you.. But then what would I do with you?> We are both looking for a good man..I dont know your situation, seems sad that you have so few options, but where there is a will there is a way…my best hope’s for your freedom and recovery of health and mind.
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you–it is an enormous help to be able to come to this site and read away the craziness! My N/S continues to contact me 10-15 times a day–by email and phone, begging me to talk to him, telling me how much he misses me, how sorry he is, how special we are, blah, blah, blah. It’s actually almost becoming humorous, since his actions have replicated everything that has been stated here. Now he’s demanding that I respond to him, to tell him that there’s ‘no chance’. I am remaining NC, but it’s hard not to tell him to go jump in a lake!