(This post is meant for her, who knows who she is, and the rest of you, who know who you are. My use of “he” is for purposes of convenience; women, too, are capable of the behaviors and attitudes described. Copyright © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
It wasn’t you. It was him. I know you’re not a black and white person (like he was). But sometimes it is black and white. And so this is the deal: It wasn’t you.
He wanted you to think it was you, when all along it was him. And you didn’t fully want to believe it was him, either. Even now, perhaps in a corner of your heart, although it may conflict with your rational healing self, you may still not be entirely ready to believe that it wasn’t you.
It was comforting, after all, on some level, to believe it was you. Because if it was you, you had some control. You could fix yourself. You could make yourself better, more attractive; less frustrating, more gratifying. If it was you, you could improve yourself; make yourself more perfect.
You could become something more that he needed more of; something better than you were (and that he demanded). And this left you with hope: with hope that it was possible, with enough patience, tolerance, searching and self-improvement, to stumble upon the formula that would finally earn his love and respect (and affirm your merit to be loved and respected).
And in some ways he made it easy to hope. To begin with, as we’ve noted, he could be quite covincing in the validity of his blame. And we’ve also noted that you half-wanted (on some levels, perhaps badly wanted) to be persuaded that, as exploitative, selfish and indisputably abusive as he was, maybe he was right! Maybe, in the end, he was right to finger you as the underlying problem.
Sure, he had an anger problem, but never to this extent, until he got involved with you! Maybe he drank, but not until he met you, and had to endure your constant nagging, demands and general insatiability, did his drinking escalate!
Maybe he was a cheat, but what normal guy wouldn’t have strayed having to put up with your constant crap? Besides, there were plenty of prior relationships, he’ll take pleasure in reminding you, in which (allegedly) he didn’t cheat, never even had the urge to cheat, thereby testifying to his capacity for fidelity!
And as painful as this abusive drivel (in its manifold variations) always was to hear, yet at the same it protracted your hope. And so you never completely lost hope as long as, on some level, you bought into—in a sense colluded with—his warped framing of his exploitation of you as having arisen, somehow, from your lack, your deficiency.
And so you cut him some slack, and then some more slack; and you made this concession, and this accomodation, and that concession and that accomodation; and you forgave him this, and forgave him that.
And now and then, just enough to powerfully reinforce your enabling behavior that, of course, he found so wonderfully convenient, he rewarded you with a few bones of his “love,” affection, appreciation and “sensitivity.” He could convey these “emotions” selectively—that is, when it suited his interests.
And, of course, it was so tempting to believe (if not convince yourself) that just because he could “be sensitive,” he fundamantally was; just because he could be affectionate, appreciative and thoughtful, he fundamentally was these things.
It was so tempting to believe that “these things” reflected who he really was; who he was really meant to be. If only”¦if only you could decode that magic formula that would, in effect, liberate the underlying mensch from the cad.
And so, in order to cling to the hope that you desperately needed, you accepted the absolutely necessary, yet futile, proposition that you were responsible to satisfy him when, all along he, not you, was insatiable.
And you assumed the equally necessary, yet futile, proposition that it was your job to compel what his personality disorder precluded his ever genuinely giving you—his respect, loyalty and love.
And now you are strong enough, finally, to face this; to come entirely to grips with these truths. You are ready to relinquish, truly and finally, that last bit of hope (as insistent as it’s been for a long time).
You can now release every last vestige of that old hope that all along was false; that, all along, was based on the pathological premise that it was you.
When it never was. When it was him. Always.
Henry I know that your intentions were good, but if you hovered over me in a helicopter, I would think it was the exP because he flies a helicopter!! Then I would chit my pants.
anyway, I’m not living on the island right now, I’m living with my P-parents and the malignant alcoholic P-brother. Always being very careful that I don’t push them into P mode. I stay very quiet and boring. My P sister took off for a few weeks to the east coast so thank God, I don’t have to hide from her every day. When in town, she spends several hours here in the house and that means I have to stay downstairs and hide my car, or else leave for the day. Her P husband is at work and P’s can’t stand to be alone (they need constant attention) , so she comes to visit with my P-mother. She even hangs around when my P-parents leave! I took out the cable internet and installed DSL and hid the wifi, so only I can get internet!! LOL!
Luckily it is a very large house. But that is also the reason all my P siblings are chomping at the inheritance bit.
It’s like living in a den of vipers waiting for the XP to drop a bomb on us.
Hopingtoheal,
I’m so glad you can find a tiny bit of dark humor in your situation. That is what keeps me going, the ability to laugh.
Tragedy and humor are the flip sides of the same coin.
teacher123, yes they can be women too. So sorry you are having to go through this and when they bad mouth you, steal friends, it is that much harder. I put a block on the P I was involved with so I can’t see him on FB and he can’t see me. MUCH BETTER. You can hope in time that the others see the light.
It has felt so good to let these feelings out – FINALLY to speak to people who understand bc they’ve been there. I know from past experience that failed relationships hurt and we move on…..but with SPs (my first experience and my LAST) it is worse bc there seems to be no end. They never accept responsibility. There is no rationalization. They won’t come and talk to you and say “Im sorry that I just can’t go on – things for me have changed”…..no they must LIE and DECEIVE and they never burn a bridge they might want to cross again. So they leave you longing, hoping, praying, doing everything you can to make things right….wrongs you thought you created….just to PLEASE them. Hopefully to be worthy of their love and feel the way you felt before.
In the end, it just becomes a temporary “FIX” for you….the time you are together, that he acknowledges your existence, that he gives you false hope of a tomorrow that never comes, it’s all a TEMPORARY FIX…..like a bad drug addiction.
justabouthealed….I love your description…..”You deserve a man who is putting your relationship first, who would drive to the library and break in to reach you. A man in love does not take chances on losing the love of his life. He will do just about anything to demonstrate how much he cares, to please her” And the funny thing, isn’t that what WE have been doing for them. Showing them the love we have is unconditional? We would do anything to save it? But they don’t think the way we do…..it is clear to see. AND….your PS…..RIGHT ON TARGET!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING!
“What has really happened is he has discovered that you won’t let him treat you just any old way, yes you DEMAND that someone actually acts like they love you when they SAY they love you. ” All summer he has come to me for what HE wants…..when I call him on it he gets totally pissed!!! In my eyes, if he wants intimacy, he needs to respect me and be committed to me. And THAT is what he was apologizing for in the email…..I told him he was treating me like a WHORE and I wouldn’t stand for it!! But his apology is just words – I know! THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SEE IT THAT WAY!!!!
Peggy….you asked my situation. My SP was married for 15 years (w 3 kids) when I met him. I too was married for 15 years (w 3 kids). He targeted me and spent hours and hours texting me to find out everything he could about me and my home life. Then he told me that he was not happy in his marriage, that he hadn’t been for some time. He told me that my husband did not appreciate my beauty or the things I did for him and our children. That if we were together he would show me EVERY day how much he loved me and how special I was. He would never forget the little things that make a relationship special!!! Blah, blah, blah…..it sounds horrible bc I LET him destroy my marriage. If you knew me, you would know that I was the one that said it could never happen to me!!!!! Well, it did and I let him destroy everything about my life….1 1/2 yrs later….here I am.
Interestingly enough…..when I said he spent hours talking to me…wanting to know everything about me – now that I think back he was very quiet about his own life. He told me he was like a puzzle and one day I would know everything. But he couldn’t tell me everything in the beginning bc it would scare me away!!!!! NO S^*&!!! Later I found out he had children with other women outside of his marriage — YES while married, and the wife accepted it!! I found out that he dealt drugs and even had a CPS record for hitting one of his children ….also with another woman! But by this time, he had me hooked and had convinced me I was the answer to his problems…..until he decided it was time to screw another woman!
I know I keep dishing out these incredible bits and pieces that probably make you guys think….OMG…..could she be any more stupid!! Now I look at it with “the mute button on”….and think the exact thing. But being here and listening to you all has helped me to understand that it isn’t me. Reading your situations has made me understand “I’m not the only one and OMG he REALLY is a SP”!!!
Sarasims, I can almost see the light bulb going on in your head! Good for you. Knowledge is power. Keep reading and writing. You’re on your way. Out of curiosity, are you still married?
Sarasims, each and everyone of us here thinks we are the stupidest one.
look at me, 25 years! and I saw clues from day 1! But… it will NEVER happen again.
I read somewhere:
“Be the kind of woman that each day when your feet hit the floor the devil says, “OH crap! she’s up”.
Stargazer, yes it has been a very lonely and painful 9 months….me knowing the realities, saying them out loud….my head FULLY away of what he was doing to me EVERY single time but my heart NOT wanting to accept that our love wasn’t real. Like so many have said…..I’ve lived and re-lived EVERY wonderful memory. Replayed so many words and scenarios in my mind. But no matter how I try to make him happy…it’s never good enough. I feel like he used me and threw me to the curb like trash. And now I am finally starting to see that who he is today is the REAL him…there was never any other. And it took those painful experiences to get me here.
And yes, technically I am still married. We are trying to work things out but completely unfair to him. YES, we had problems but I was wrong. But I feel like I fell out of love with my husband when I fell in love with my SP. And now, no matter how badly I want to be the me I was before, I’m having a really hard time doing so.
Stargazer, PS…I was ready to give everything up for him. He made me believe in EVERY way that he was my knight in shining armor and I was his EVERYTHING!!! That was for the first 6 months….then Dr. Jekyl appeared and you know the rest!
I’m getting it slowly… when I feel anxious or upset, I now come here instead of reaching out for him. I know that only shows him I still care. That he has the power over me!!! In no way am I ready to give advice to anyone, but my one wish for the future is that I can recover and help others avoid this hurt and pain in some way.
This must be such a hard position to be in, Sarasims. You have gone down a harrowing path, but you are sorting it out and admitting your mistakes. You are on the rocky road to recovery. Recovery is really a very lonely path, because even though people are here to support you, you have to face the pain alone. Healing lies in doing the opposite of what a sociopath does–telling the truth. About your feelings, about what happened, and yes, about your part in it, too. I have recently heard that this is one of the “12 steps”, taking a fearless moral inventory. We are in denial with the sociopath, so it feels good to bring everything out into the light, even if it hurts.
My S was married when I started dating him. I knew he was married (though I believed he was separated). I had a rule about not dating married men, but I broke my own rule because he seemed exceptionally honest and sincere (what an irony, huh?). Although he duped me, I had to look at what was going on with me that I made it okay to date a married man in the first place. You will get to know yourself very well in this process, and that is a good thing!
My philosophy is that the sociopath took so many months of my life (substitute “years” if it applies). I don’t plan to give him one more second of it!