Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Mother.Love.”
Married him and had 2 children. After the second child we decided I could stay home as his construction business was doing well.
During that time, we remodeled a home, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and survived twice and raised 2 children with learning disabilities.
He wanted to build a new home and he became involved with a “spec” house. Unbeknownst to me he took out all the equity in the first house, lied to me about paying our taxes for 5 years, refused to set me up with a retirement account but he had one, didn’t pay bills for 3 years, emptied all his accounts, was cheating on me while I was in chemotherapy, brainwashed my son that I was a “gold digger,” all I did was sit around at home on the computer, that I spent ALL our money (I only got an allowance) and was never allowed to see our bank accounts, he accused me of the kids not being his, mocked my age, mocked everything about me, and on and on.
We had to file Bankruptcy, I received Innocent Spouse, we lost 2 homes to Foreclosure. During the Divorce I was demonized as not contributing to our finances AND I was blamed for his business failure.
He stole hundreds of thousands from customers, the banks, me and his children.
He lies on every Financial Affidavit in Court, Stole assets, left me penniless at 60 y’o with no job skills.
My divorce lawyer said “the Court has decided you can live on Social Services”…..
Since 2012 he has made an Offer in Compromise to the IRS but I can’t get any records. His Income is so low that’s impossible so he’s taking Cash in his business. He’s $12k behind in Child Support and hasn’t spent one day in jail. He makes deal after deal, dishonors it and only gets a slap on the wrist.
I have contacted EVERY Legislator in the state, the State Atty General, Domestic Violence, the IRS, and NOBODY GIVES A HOOT ! It’s like they’re ALL assisting him in this Fraud.
PS – His family is friends with St Atty Gen who made a personal call to my Ex… with a “heads up”…. you know, guy to guy.
I am now facing round 3 of Breast Cancer….. I’m sure it’s the Stress.
I can’t go on Disability because I stayed home with my children, I lost 16 years of Social Security, my tiny retirement account is gone as I used it pay my rent, …
It’s awful what’s been ALLOWED to happen to us, the victims, while the System teaches him how to hurt us more everyday. I live under the thumb of the State because of Social Services while he runs amok…….. sickening.—
Gut Instinct Isn’t Enough
Mother.Love – your case is an outrage. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
Mother Love…. I understand just how crazy the system acts! I have been going through a very similar situation. I was married 18 years, and now at age 63 I am completely broke. I did have an excellent professional job, a beautiful home, and retirement savings to ensure my financial security for the rest of my life. My now ex-husband pushed me to take an early retirement, and we had more than enough money to ma,e that choice reasonable. AFTER I retired, and could not return to my profession, my then loving, committed husband told me that he was a sex addict and he had affairs with hundreds of women. He then completely terrorized me: he closed bank accounts, stopped paying the mortgage, accused me of fraud, smeared my name… I developed severe PTSD. The police and the courts treated me as if I was exaggerating, as if I was “jealous” of his girlfriends! The divorce judge was smug, condescending, and believed every lie my husband and his attorneys claimed. My attorney colluded with them. My retirement account was drained, and I was told I better get a job and stop expecting my husband to support me. My retirement was drained paying attorney fees to fight crazy charges my husband was making against me! I finally got the judge to award a small alimony award, but of course, he doesn’t pay and because he is an independent contractor he hides his income. I lost everything, and experienced deep shock. I now cannot pay rent! I have applied for hundreds of jobs, but once my age is revealed, I am not considered. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
I read about narcissists who intentionally create trust ONLY to later betray and shatter his victim’s sense of safety and place in the world. Indeed. The system sees the victim as stupid, or as whiny, or as intentionally helpless. BUT, I sometimes think that if all those trained people believe him, it’s understandable that I also got swindled by him.
My heart goes out to you. I am no longer expecting any support from my now ex-husband or any part of the system. I hope you find better support. Know that you are not the only one swindled by these very sick men.
It sounds like the court system contributed to your PTSD as much as your ex spath. I am so sorry that you experienced this. The system is as wrong and as guilty as your ex spath, for supporting him and his wrong doing. It is normal and right to feel jealousy towards those with whom one’s spouse cheats and/or abandons one for. Society should punish liars, cheaters, and those who break their marriage vows. These days, nothing is wrong anymore. Whatever anyone feels like doing at any given time is considered ‘right’ and everyone else should just put up with it.
How long has it been since your divorce? Have you experienced any decrease in PTSD?
It’s been a little over 3 years. The PTSD has diminished, but I keep tabs on myself as far as triggers go… I try to focus on the pleasures that I gave up for “him”… gardening, reading, nature, spirituality, etc. For a long time I didn’t care about my appearance but lately, I’m reclaiming that part of me. I’ve begun to “trust” myself again. So, I suppose I’m moving away from the trauma but its slow… and I have to work on it all the time. I’ve come to expect “losing” in Court…
I relate; I barely got out of bed for about a year. My progress has been very slow. I’ve recently experienced some significant recovery. In the ways that I am still embroiled with the ex psychopath, I feel like it’s a black cloud over my life. I so long to be completely free; but due to complex circumstances, he still looms in the background.
Having to deal with continued court issues must make it very difficult to recover; you are continually being reinjured every time.
Annette:
Yes! If the court did not make my PTSD even worse, at the very least it extended my ability to even begin recovery for another 18 months. And, I lost all faith in our legal system.
I did not actually feel jealousy by the time we we were in the divorce process – I felt only very traumatized, and repulsed. I think my ex played as if I was jealous, and it triggered strong PTSD because it felt extremely threatening, abusive.
I had filed a motion to ask the court to order him to redeem the mortgage from foreclosure. At the hearing, his attorney claimed “she can work if she wants…,” and “she spends extravagantly,” “she doesn’t need to live in a big house…” (Clearly these were code phrases to the judge who then repeated them to me for another year!)
His attorney, female, also claimed that my husband had no money, had not worked for three weeks, and that I had “kicked him out to fend for himself…” (Honestly.)
When I produced bank statements indicating that he had not worked for three weeks because he was in Paris, France with his girlfriend, the judge smirked and said, “well, that’s none of your business anymore. You need to move on.”
The court refused to order him to pay for the mortgage. The house was foreclosed and enormous equity was lost. By the time I found out that he had not paid the mortgage, a total of 7 months was past due and a lump sum payment required to redeem. I did not have access to such funds.
The only good that came out of the legal process is that I was able to observe my now ex-husband and witness just how he manipulates others. He played victim, and they believed that I was a shrew who had thrown the poor man out of the house simply because he had sexual affairs with other women…
There seems to be a very creepy general contempt for women in the court system…perhaps it is most directed at older women, like me. (I do not see myself as old–but I guess others do!) Somehow, my now ex-husband knew precisely how to trigger their latent contempt, and it was truly terrifying to me. I have never experienced anything like it.
To heal PTSD, I completely isolated. Therapy made it worse. I turned off the news, I listened to music, I created art, I took salt baths.. Most helpful of all was acupuncture.
I often still wake up with a throbbing that I know is still PTSD symptom.
It has taken me four years since my ex-husband told me about his secret life to again feel grounded, and ready to go back to life.
Clearly I was being very abused before he “confessed,” but it was so subtle, so covert, that I was totally unaware.
Much work needs to be done to change information about what happens to victims of domestic violence.
Now, I am returning to school to complete a degree in counseling. I will work forever, and be happy… NO one will trick me again, nor steal money and assets from me.
I would like to write about what happened, but it is so ugly, so dark, essentially no one would believe me. And then, I would have to talk about it, again and again.
BUT, your comments are SOOOOOO helpful… I feel less alone hearing from you…
Annabelle, our stories sound eerily similar. Starting over at this age is profoundly difficult. Age Bias is alive and well. I applied to hundreds of jobs over a period of 2 years with NO LUCK. I deemed once my date of High School graduation was known, at 61 I would never be hired. One day I saw a billboard at a school looking to hire Bus Drivers. Low and behold it was a walk-in application process and I was hired. At 61 y/o I’m now driving a 33,000 lb vehicle with 65 students on board. It doesn’t pay well, the hours are tough and the responsibility is huge. So far so good. Being around the little ones puts a smile on my face and I desperately needed that back in my life. Little by little I’m picking myself up…. You will too. Thanks for the support and I wish you well.
Mother.Love – I am glad you found SOME job… I find it funny that you are found capable of driving a massive bus with responsibility for many children, or that men and women can run for president of the United States at much older ages, but women in their 60’s are considered unemployable…
I have applied for many jobs, but no offers.
I have decided to return to school and complete a counseling degree, and then work forever. The faculty in the program told me that they have had many students my age, and that it is possible for me to work for many years because many jobs. I may not make what I previously did, but I do not care. I am trying to pay rent and eat! I will have student loans, but I must have a new life.
I tell myself, every day, just keep taking steps forward, and all will work out…
SO much more needs to be done to educate professionals about PTSD, about domestic violence, about financial abuse as domestic violence…
Your story is encouraging to me! I will think about you now every time I see a bus filled with children, and I will smile.
Your bravery and spunk to take that job is inspiring. Your positive attitude may reap benefits for you; and I’m sure you’re a blessing to the children.
Thanks Donna…. seems to have a lot to do with “No-Fault” divorce. My state has it and there’s no protection from Fraud on any level in a marriage. Father’s Rights groups, who have the time and MONEY to address the 98% Male legislatures, have done tremendous damage in this arena. Their goal is to NOT have to pay Alimony no matter the circumstances and to have the mother’s pay EQUAL Child Support amounts, in some cases more. The Commission on the Status of Women says it’s getting worse, primarily because Mother’s are over-whelmed working and caring for children with no time to testify…. We can’t give up !
And, I believe, all calculated, intentional, and maliciously orchestrated out of contempt for women, and to actually hurt women…
We need enormous public messaging for women…
We MUST learn to protect our financial safety.
Unless and until you are physically hurt by him there will be little concern/action taken. Keep trying though. You might just find that one person who truly cares and helps you get action. Never give up!
I hope things turn around in your life and with your health.
Take care.
I have called the National Domestic Violence line many times asking “WHEN” is Psychological/Emotional/Financial ABUSE going to become part of the Message ?? I can’t even get the Courts to acknowledge “he verbally abuses me” when he knows no one is listening. I’ve asked that they keep him away from me, but they don’t. I start shaking from head to toe when I see him. It’s awful.
I relate to PTSD symptom of shaking when confronted with my abuser. I have avoided contact with my ex psychopath for about 4 years now, and I don’t think I could be around him now and remain calm. Although I don’t have as much difficulty hearing about him as I once did.
Also important is HOW Emotional Abuse will come to be recognized, what forces and factors could make that come about.
It sounds like a lot of what is harming you is out of your control. Are there any things that you do have control over that could be done to protect yourself from further harm?
Yes… feeling no control is very disturbing. I have given up on collecting any funds from ex-husband. I know that if I file a motion to order him to pay now past-due alimony, that he has worked out with his attorney’s help a plan to claim that he has no money. I know that he is making more than $200,000 a year, because his employer called me to tell me that he cannot withdraw the funds from his income because they do not pay him as an individual but as a business…
I do report past due every month, and at some point I will return to court, but not until I can once again prove that he has income.
I am selling everything I own…furniture, books, not anything worth much money, but I am desperate.
AND, I am returning to school and will begin a master’s in counseling. I feel better making this decision and can’t wait to get started in a few weeks!
Congratulations on returning to school. Counselors who understand pathology are needed for sure.
If he doesn’t have wages that can be garnished because he gets paid as an independent contractor, you may be able to levy his bank account or even his car or other assets. If you can get his bank account number and you get a judgement for whatever he owes, you may be able to file a levy and get paid directly from his account.
I am sorry you were abused and betrayed and he gets away with it. It is good you got innocent spouse with the IRS, otherwise the nightmare would have been even worse.
I don’t understand why you can’t get disability if you’re eligible if you were married for at least ten years, based on your ex’s social security account, as well as retirement benefits.
Disability doesn’t allow a person to collect BOTH Alimony and Disability…. Alimony was awarded for a term past my retirement age. There are so many Catch-22’s in the system.
Is it disability through the social security system or a private disability insurance policy? Does alimony affect drawing social security benefits?
A quick web research gave me the understanding that SSI can be reduced by alimony, but social security disability should not be affected. Several sources including the social security government site stated this. Is it possible that you may not be getting all the benefits to which you’re entitled?
I’m pretty sure that nothing is done because the system, which professes to care and want to help, has become a giant sociopathic organism it’s self.
Without a doubt…..
Mother.Love: Same! My ex embezzled from clients, and nothing has happened to him. A few clients left him, but not many. So little happens to these guys. I was able to avoid tax problems as well. But when a client fired him for embezzling, he took me to court and my child support was reduced. Ugh. I could go on, but as the years pass I am just glad to be pretty much rid of him.