Thank you. My last post seems to have stirred up some strong emotions. Then again I guess that’s my responsibility as a writer — to reach people and get the feelings going. Movement, after all, is surely the only way we can go forward? At the same time, my intent is to stir positive responses, so I decided that this week it would be a good idea to share a bit about the methods I’ve been using to help with my own healing. I recognise that for some the following article may be a bit tricky to digest – which is why I thought long and hard before deciding to post. I remember when I first discovered that everything I had believed in was just a lie, I was far too raw to ever have been able to contemplate some of the things I am about to share with you – my heart and my love goes out to all of you who are in that place. I know from my own experience that it takes time to come through – and the most important thing is to be gentle on ourselves during the healing process, particularly in the early days. I hope that for others of you who are already on the move, my message is more immediately helpful. Either way, my heartfelt wish is that this can be a useful piece for you here on Lovefraud – now and/or in the future.
Okay… I started by talking about my ”˜responsibility’ and so this week I have chosen to write about my take on the meaning of the word.
Before going in to that in any detail, I’d like to start off by saying that I believe all of us (yes ALL of us) already have the power to heal. I get the feeling though (certainly from my own experience) that many of us have forgotten that we have a huge inner resource of strength and power. I acknowledge that through our relationships with abusive people, our inner strength can be pushed down, boxed, manipulated and damaged to the point where we believe we really are useless and powerless. That we’ve become the small weak person the sociopaths would have us believe. That we end up thinking “well, he/she was right all along. I’m worthless. They’ve won”
And I’m here to say that I believe this is simply not the case. I’m aware this may appear somewhat controversial, but I invite you to consider the notion that perhaps it is BECAUSE of our inner strength that the sociopath was attracted in the first place? That, perhaps, it’s BECAUSE we have love in our hearts and a strong soul they wanted to possess and control us? After all, assuming that’s the case, then we already have — we’ve ALWAYS had — the very things that they can never EVER attain for themselves. So now it’s up to us to reclaim ourselves — to find a way where we can stand up tall and proud, and become the person we truly are. That, at least, has been my take during my journey, and I’d like to start sharing some of the techniques that have helped me along the way.
So let’s continue with the word ”˜responsibility’. For many, the word invokes heavy or burdensome connotations. In my leadership training groups for example, delegates often tell me that they feel a weight on their shoulders, or a need to behave in a certain way so that they can fulfill the serious expectations that responsibility carries with it. They perceive it as a load, something they have to carry — so the word itself, therefore, can often have negative associations. And I think that’s a shame”¦ I also think it’s untrue.
I’m sure you can imagine the scene when I bring this up with leadership groups. I will often be met with a room full of suddenly the folded arms and a series of harrumphs as delegates hunker down for a battle. “What?” they’ll grumble “We are leaders! We have to bear the burden of responsibility! It’s not easy you know!” And this is where the training starts.
The same as I do with these groups, I would like to invite you to explore another perspective. One that, in my opinion, can be a much more empowering way to look at what responsibility really means.
Let’s imagine, for a moment, that we can break the word in to two — “response” and “ability—¦. Meaning our ability to respond. Or, if you prefer, our choice as to how we are going to respond to a situation. It’s our opportunity to re-consider our actions, rather than coming back with a habitual or emotion-driven response.
It’s like this, you see. I often witness people telling me that “it’s his/her fault” or “my boss is to blame for my unhappiness in my job” or “my family makes me feel bad” or “that psychopath ex still makes me boil with fury”. You get the picture?
I believe with all my heart and soul, that the more we place the ”˜blame’ on another person or situation, all we are doing is giving away our own power. We can shout and roar as much as we like — or mumble and whisper, it doesn’t really matter. My point is that while we continue to focus outside of ourselves we are blocking our own ability to develop. The result is that instead of moving forward, we remain stuck in the very place we say we don’t like!
Imagine, for a moment, that you are pointing your finger at someone — or something. You’ll most likely have your index finger pointing out, with the rest of your hand curled in to a loose fist shape. All your frustrations are directed outside of you along that one finger. Don’t get me wrong, it may well feel good to do that… but at the same time, I’d like you to consider where your other fingers are pointing. Who are they pointing to? Who, therefore, might we be forgetting during a (justifiable) outpouring of frustration? Yup, we’re forgetting ourselves in the matter.
Again, at this point, my leadership groups will often become even more agitated “What, you’re telling me that it’s MY fault? That I’M to blame?” Of course, this is not the message I am giving them. But they have become so wrapped up in their frustration at whatever situation it is we’re discussing, that they find it difficult to move beyond that point. As I said earlier, they remain stuck.
No, the point I am making is to recognize that for the one finger that’s pointing away from us, we have three more pointing back at us. This hand gesture invites us to consider what else we can do in any given situation. It’s a reminder that we have more control than we often think. Three times the power. Three times more choices available to us. Because we have the opportunity to decide exactly how we are going to respond at any time – it’s just up to us to make the most of it.
OK, you may be thinking, that’s all well and good, but what does that mean to me? How can that help me in my situation? Or, as some delegates insist on telling me at the beginning of a training course “Well, it’s different for me you know!” Of course it’s different for them — it’s different for us all. And that, paradoxically, is where it’s also exactly the same. Because each and every one of us is unique.
It’s true, we can’t necessarily change the behavior of another. But we can always change our own behavior. And by changing our own behavior, well, then we’ve broken the communication dance of which we find ourselves a part. I’ll explain what I mean. Imagine you are going to shake somebody’s hand. They will give you their hand and you will shake it — because that’s what’s expected. That’s the automatic response, the well-rehearsed ”˜steps’ that we’re used to dancing. Now this time, imagine instead that when you go to shake that same person’s hand, you pull away at the last moment. What happens to that other person? They will have to do something different, because you have broken the dance. Do you see what I am getting at?
For me, quite early on in my healing, I decided that I would have a different response to matters every time I felt hurt, confused or downright furious at the situation I found myself in. I chose to ‘break the dance’. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t come easy. But with practice, I discovered I felt freer and lighter as a result.
I acknowledge that my next statement is likely to prove controversial, but I decided that I would consciously choose to thank my ex for his actions, rather than dwell on the pain and suffering. I decided that each time I was hit with yet another debt, or more evidence of his betrayals, instead of automatically pointing the finger I would instead stop, get myself still, take a deep breath and ask myself “what can I do to feel better? How can I use my own power to make a positive difference to this situation?”
That’s when the learning happens. That’s when my brain searches for other alternatives. That’s when I look around my surroundings and realize that I’m still alive. I have my son. I have food on my table. I no longer have to pander to his demands — I am no longer the squashed manipulated woman I had been for far too long. And all of a sudden I can start to feel grateful. Grateful that he’s gone. Grateful that I have the opportunity to rebuild my life — for me. And, as I said before, it usually ends up with my thanking my ex. It doesn’t mean I forgive his actions. Neither does it mean that I feel any compassion for him. It DOES mean that I’m free from the pain — and that is a gift to myself.
It’s not easy — I’ve said that before. To quote the phrase ”˜better the devil you know’ it often seems easier to stay with the old habits. Those same old habits that keep us stuck. Change and healing takes determination — and when things don’t go quite as planned we can get discouraged. But how do we resist the temptation to dwell on the difficulties? To fall back in to the gaping hole of misery? I believe the solution is to identify a ”˜space’ where we can feel good — if not good, then at the very least a bit better! For me, I often use music to help me change the way I feel — two of my regular song choices have been Labbi Syffre’s “Something Inside So Strong” and Nina Simone’s “I Got Life” (with the accompanying video to a yoghurt advert). I also write to change my mood. One of my best friends goes out to tend her garden, another turns to cooking, and another takes himself out for a walk. What we do doesn’t matter in the slightest — it’s just about finding something, anything that can help us stay on track to achieving our end goal. To heal and to reclaim our life.
As I have said many times on my blog, this is NOT about him, it never has been. This is about ME. Since discovering the truth I have refused to allow him to impact on my journey — no matter how hard he may have tried to hurt me, I simply will not let it happen anymore. I can always choose my own responses, no matter what is going on around me — and most of the time that is exactly what I do. Yes, there are times when I forget, and there are many more times when it’s been hard work to find an alternative. But with persistence, focus, and a determination to create a better life for my son and myself, most of the times I get there.
For all of us who have been hurt by someone else, the most important thing is to remember that we DO have the power to do something about it. We CAN change the way we feel, and by doing so we change our immediate experience and increase our ability to heal. Perhaps our biggest challenge is simply to acknowledge that fact. As I said earlier, I am convinced that we must already have demonstrated our inner strength to attract a sociopath in the first place. Does that mean we should now hide our light under a bushel? Does that mean we should now stay in the fear and pain? Or does that mean we should reclaim who we are, fan the flames of passion and become even stronger than we were before? Surely that’s the best revenge against those who tried to put us down in the first place, isn’t it?
So next time a proverbial ‘hand’ is offered to you, are you going to shake it automatically? Are you going to continue with a habitual response? Or are you going to move your hand away, step back and take control of the dance? It’s up to all of us, of course, to choose the route we take — not just sometimes, but all of the time.
Incidentally, once my leadership groups grasp the sense of what I mean, I am always met with a room full of calm and smiling faces. They feel safe in the knowledge that responsibility is something they’ve always had — it’s just that now they know how to use it more wisely.
I hope this has been helpful — I welcome your thoughts and feedback.
Until next week, love and blessings to all my new friends here on Lovefraud!
Dear Louise,
I understand that anger at what he did to you….but accepting that you ALLOWED IT will help. It took me a long time to accept that I ALLOWED my P son to abuse me, I ALLOWED my P X-BF to target me, I ALLOWED my son C to lie to me, to betray me and then GAVE HIM MY TRUST AGAIN AND AGAIN…..now, I DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO USE AND ABUSE ME OR LIE TO ME. I also do not lie to others and I don’t lie to MYSELF any more.
Let go of that anger and bitterness….holding on to it is like eating poison and expecting someone else to die. Sure we get angry, and we recognize that anger, acknowledge it, but don’t hold on to it forever….let it go….because as long as you feel that internal rage at him, it rents him space in your head! Anger is to spur us to DO SOMETHING now you have done something it is time to heal. Just like pain is a signal to the body that something is wrong, fix it…. so is anger a signal that something is wrong fix it…..but just as the pain is gone when the FIX is complete, so should the anger be GONE when the fix is done. (((hugs))))
Skylar
I have looked at my own failures of self responsibility and actively pursued TRUTH b/c I knew truth would set me free. That’s how I know it’s a necessary part of healing.
Like you, my responsibility was overblown as a child, b/c I was made to feel that all was my fault and I reasoned that if it was my fault, then I could fix it. In that, it might be defined as narcissism, the idea that I had that kind of power. I didn’t reason I could fix it b/c I had power, I reasoned it b/c of ridiculous logic of spaths and as a chid with no defenses, I TEMPORARILIY bought into it but even as a wee child, I knew much of that was BUNK.
We forget sometimes, that there is healthy narcissism. I had gotten past the FIX the other person attitude. So while I did not marry my husband to fix him at all, and I did investigate to make sure he was as real as it appeared, I DID take on HIS carp messages and thought I could fix my marriage- mainly b/c the message in NORMAL marriages is that there are some down times but you work throught them. But by the time I got misdirected, I had lost myself though years of mindfkn manipulations. Learning about spath’s behaviors has released me, let me reset my truth – which was always true but I had come to doubt myself.
I do have good boundries once again. As I said, who knows to watch out that the good man they married is slyly pulling cruel stuff that to your face seems so thoughtful??!! Once I ‘got it’ about him, the puzzle pieces fell in place and I was FREE. It is my truth, my self responsibility, and my integrity that directed my thinking and my healing.
FOR ME, and I say that b/c I am NOT negating what works for you… for ME, spaths serve NO purpose. They just are an accident of fate, like being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s the grownup mature woman I already was, not something I had to learn, that got me past his poison. And anything I learned, I did so b/c of who I AM, not b/c of who HE is. Again, I assert, in my not so humble opinion on this one, vulnerabilties is NOT immaturity. That I can love is a vulnerability that increases my ability to connect to humanity. That’s a strength, not immaturity.
My main failing was my lack of courage in standing up to others who said it only happened b/c some something lacking in me. Truth is, no it didn’t. It happened b/c of something lacking in HIM.
Oxy:
Yep, I sure did allow it.
I have tried and tried and tried to let go of the anger and it won’t GO. I don’t know what else to do…
Louise
Maybe you need to explore WHY you are angry? Anger is there for a reason. When it hurts so much, it’s not hard to understand we avoid facing the pain. Usually it’s b/c we think we deserve something bad and we are trying to avoid the bad. Irony is, sometimes our avoidance is more painful than the thing we’re trying to avoid… (ever see someone wreck their car to avoid the bee that flew in the window?)
Dear Louise,
I had the same problem and it is an ON-GOING PROCESS it is never DONE forever I don’t think. If I let myself dwell on it, the anger returns, the rage and desire for revenge.
So, when I find myself feeling ANGRY I ask myself WHY and then I acknowledge it, “Yep, I’m angry” then I let it go….”Yep, I’m angry that he hurt me, but I won’t let myself continue to feel angry and use up my time and emotions on that anger forever, I’m gonna let it go for now.” Or whatever words you want to use, but those are about what I say to myself.
When we “Talk” to ourselves inside our heads, we can influence the emotions we feel…and also, your mind cannot hold two conversations at the same time, so if you are talking about X to yourself, you can’t be talking about Y because like anything else, two things can’t occupy the same space, and two thoughts can’t occupy the mind at one time. It takes time and practice, but you can help yourself let that anger go. Don’t RUSH yourself though, but just realize where your anger is coming from.
Last night I drove home after dark and my front door was standing open, just the screen was closed. There were lights on in the house, but the porch light was not on. I drove into the front yard off the drive way and honked the horn loud and when my son D came to the door, I SCREAMED AT HIM “Why did you leave the front door open!!!!!!” He looked at me and said “Don’t scream at me. We had a storm and the power went off for four hours and I opened the door because it was so hot, the power just came back on and I hadn’t gotten to close the door yet.”
I realized I was AFRAID and my fear made me angry. When I drove up I could see there had been rain and probably a storm, but I saw the lights so I knew the power was ON, and if that was the case the door being open frightened me…..I really didn’t even realize I was frightened until my son told me to stop yelling at him.
Just like a parent who watches their kid run into the road and almost get hit by a car and gets frightened to “death” and then instantly when they see the kid is OK, become ANGRY and snatch the kid up and spank him for running into the road, I reacted to my FEAR of unexpectedly finding the door open.
When we feel fear, guilt, sadness and a lot of other feelings, we can become ANGRY and lash out at who ever is closest to us at that moment. Lots of things and feelings can “trigger” those reactions, and I think (I am guessing here) that maybe your own guilt about having the affair with a married man and your own anger (at him or youRself?) caused you to lash out. But you know what, kiddo, that is what LF is all about is being supportive to each other. Not having a chip on our shoulders. Don’t you ever go away cause you get mad at someone here or what is said! Or I’ll hunt you down and BOINK you a good one with the cast iron skillet! ((((hugs))))
KatyDid:
I have stated over and over on here WHY I am angry. If it is being implied that maybe the anger is coming from some deeper place like maybe something happened in childhood or something, I don’t think that is the case because I did not feel this anger until AFTER this happened to me. I don’t know. I have no idea if something else is triggering it or not. All I know is that ever since this happened to me I have been very mad and rightly so.
Katy,
Of course I’m not faulting or blaming either you or I for the attack of the spath. It wasn’t a fault in us, so much as a lack of immunity. Without the knowledge of what a spath is or looks like or acts like, we lacked defenses.
We should have been taught. That is a failing in society and one which we are fixing right here on LF by talking about it.
The spath in my life served the purpose of giving me a LONG HARD LOOK AT WHAT EVIL LOOKS LIKE. That, plus my desire to learn and educate myself, has made me pretty spath proof now. I’m still working on it, though, because there are still emotions that surface as a result of looking into the face of evil. But I can tell you one thing, I know what it looks like now, quite intimately.
Oxy:
I get that, but my anger is not that type of anger. And I will tell you it is NOT because of guilt. I do not feel guilty whatsoever about what I did. I got over that a long time ago. If that makes me an spath, so be it. But I truly don’t feel like it was all my fault. He played a huge role and he duped me so I am not going to take the blame. So I am not angry because of guilt, I am not angry at myself, I am angry at HIM and the situation and what it has done to my life, what it has done to my emotional health. I feel like I will never be the same and that is what I am angry about.
I am not going away from here. I just won’t ever talk again about what he did to me or the fact that he was MARRIED. Hugs.
Louise- anger is your friend. If we’d have known during the involvement of what they were really about- a lot of anger would have been APPROPRIATE! Anger protects us. I think as long as you do not repress it, but you feel it, and go through your anger ( as Donna once said following her experience- she would scream into a pillow… ) you will be able to come to terms with it. Healing is not a linear process- it comes, then you may not deal with it for a while ( anger ) then out of the blue it may appear again. My advice? Embrace your anger. Embrace the core of that which has been refined through millions of years of evolution to again, protect you. It is a gut release, it is a soul release, it is a primal release, of all the injustice you’ve suffered at the hands of this monster. ( Some victims of psychopaths I read- would visualize physically hurting the P- I think this is again, VERY APPROPRIATE! Visualizing your anger helps you put it into perspective- of course this may not be an inclination for everyone, but if it comes? Take it by the horns… )
(((hugs)))
Louise, you know I had a lot of anger as well….and unhealthy dysfunctional habits (enabling etc) that I learned at my egg donor’s knee…and through the years she and I had been at odds from time to time, even NC several times for months, but I had PUSHED ALL THOSE FEELINGS DOWN and convinced myself through denial that I had a GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH HER and that she LOVED ME. In reality, it was anything BUT a good relationship with her, it had been the pits since I was a kid but I didn’t want to believe that so I INVENTED A FANTASY MOMMY WHO LOVED ME…..just like I invented a FANTASY SON who was gonna get out of prison for murder and live a wonderful life. I also invented another fantasy son, son C who was not going to lie to me again, or remain “neutral” while he knew others were abusing me….but FACING THE TRUTH was painful, but it has SET ME FREE and I am no longer angry at either myself or them (for the most part) because I realize it is self defeating to nurture that anger, that rage and I am drifting more and more into the direction of the NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE where they are concerned. I’m not 100% there yet, and probably never will be, but I am looking at things much more realistically….and honestly. It is work, and continues to be work as it is a PROCESS not a production….but I’m a lot closer than I ever was before.
Ask yourself WHY you got involved with him, why were you vulnerable to him? I know that you have a moral compass and good conscience, so why did you allow yourself to do something that is out of character for you? I KNOW why I did what I did, and it has been a life long pattern for me, but now that I know what I did and why, I can work on fixing the ONLY person we can fix and that is OURSELVES. (((hugs)))) I can meet my own needs for the things I want without allowing others to lure me into something dishonest and wrong.