By Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed
We may not be wearing socks on our heads and our shirts may not be on backwards, but when psychopaths project their traits and behaviors on to us, things may seem as strange as if we were. Unfortunately, at first, what they are doing to us is far from obvious. We have no idea that they are taking their own shortcomings and reprehensible traits and behaviors and trying to make us believe that they are ours. Who would do that? Since the thought seems incredibly ridiculous to us and is the last thing we would consider doing, the possibility usually fails to cross our minds.
As a result, we are almost always confused and defensive until we come to understand what is actually occurring. Once we do, we realize that their words are not accurately describing us in the least. In fact, we discover that things are quite the opposite; they are describing themselves. We are then able to stop defending ourselves against their fabrications and misdirected allegations. We can also accept that this is simply something they do. In turn, this acceptance frees us from the burden of taking their words personally. We learn not to be surprised or devastated by their hurtful, mean spirited utterances because, in actuality, they have nothing to do with us at all.
Does this sound familiar?
I am guessing that many readers will be able to relate to at least one or two of the following scenarios. Have you even been called “crazy” or “negative” for disagreeing with a psychopath? Have you ever been told you were “lazy” after working, possibly in a variety of capacities, from morning until night? Perhaps you were called “cheap” or “no fun” simply because you felt you needed to save a little money or slow your pace. If the psychopath in your life cheated, were you miraculously the “cheater?” If the psychopath was your parent, were you ignored, mistreated, or used and then blamed when you did not respond with love and trust? Did you endure abuse, while being called “abusive?” Have you been accused of being a mean, arrogant, selfish, evil, liar? How about a control freak, with no discipline or integrity, who can’t take a joke? Maybe you were referred to as an “alienator” who “hears voices.”
The possibilities are almost endless. The exact accusations are inconsequential when it comes to illustrating how projection presents. The words may change, but the stories stay the same. Stay calm. You are fine. This is not about you. This is the nature of projection.
Once we are accused of such things, however, we tend to be confused and sad. How could anyone make horrible, untrue statements about us? Initially, we are frustrated and wonder why they can’t see that they are wrong. Eventually, we come to suspect that they are aware, and probably know exactly what they are doing. Nonetheless, until we are convinced, we hurry to defend ourselves. When we do this, we play into their hands, giving them exactly what they hoped for. Unknowingly and unintentionally, we bring them satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment, and control because we engaged.
What, when, and why do they project?
Their projection can occur at any point in time and can consist of whatever words or behaviors they choose to highlight. They will do so, pressing any buttons available to them. They may utilize projection in an effort to erode our self confidence or sense of worth. However, it often happens as a direct attempt to initiate arguments, impression manage, or weaken us during a conflict.
Psychopaths like when we choose a defensive stance because we can’t “win” if we are constantly playing “catch up” or merely trying to survive their attacks. We cannot have the upper hand if we are weak, struggling to maintain our positions, or repeatedly explaining ourselves. What better way for them to attempt to dominate, than to say things about us that are not true? Naturally, we will defend ourselves, expending energies that should be otherwise directed.
Since most of us do not have an inherent understanding of projection, it takes time for us to realize and then come to terms with what is occurring. It’s difficult to grasp that this goes on and is usually an extremely frustrating journey. We are frequently blindsided, as psychopaths’ accusations seem to come out of nowhere, or in context with some minor aspect of a conversation or scenario. Very quickly, we can find ourselves in full fledged arguments, set in motion over something ludicrous, that we know could have been handled completely differently. We are in states of upset, while they seem strangely at peace. Why are they so calm? They just took all that is wrong with them and placed it on us. They, effectively cleansed themselves. We find this upsetting. If we are in emotional turmoil, they’re “winning,” and they like that.
Topic shifts and more projection
However, things do not always work as they’d like. Our personalities tend to be strong and we tend to be reasonably intelligent. Even though we want to work through, fix, resolve matters, be understood, and well regarded, we can hold our ground and maintain composure. We sense the manipulation, but know that we are capable. At this point, we may attempt to reason with them.
When we do, they don’t like it. They must work harder to unsettle us. When this happens, they may rush off topic, shifting gears completely, in an effort to further confuse or anger us. It is not uncommon for them to project “harder,” regarding something more serious, in order to throw us off balance and re-gain control.
Did you ever notice that nothing actually gets accomplished in a conversation with a psychopath?
Did you ever wonder why discussions tend to escalate, and include violent topic shifts when you are calm or the conversation is not going “their way?” Concurrently, did you notice an increase in negative comments? Did you find it unusual that most of the comments were completely unrelated to the issues at hand? If they are unable to successfully control the issues, they change them. This usually involves an attack tainted with projection. Eventually, we get caught up in defending ourselves, once again.
Why this matters
Independently, this is a tiresome nuisance. However, if the scenario involves other people, as in a legal situation, their words and accusations have the ability to take on lives of their own. Before long, the critical players may also begin addressing their off topic statements. If this happens, it is essential that we successfully re-focus everyone and direct them back to the pertinent, original issues. If we do not, we may end up unjustly defeated and left wondering what just happened to us. Meanwhile, the psychopaths walk away basking and smirking over their “victories.” Your devastation is of no concern to them.
The lesson
The lesson we must learn is not to engage. We must simply stay vigilant and use our knowledge. We must work to understand and accept that psychopaths employ projection skillfully, but that it is nothing more than misdirected name calling. It comes naturally to them and they are good at it. Take comfort in the fact that when they speak ill of you, it is really about them; it’s opposite day.
Additionally, we must accept that psychopaths will try, try again, and then try some more to get us to react. We are all creatures of habit, to some degree, and as we recover and grow stronger, it is they who may be confused (for once.) Remember, there was a time when they were successful at getting us to go “head to head” with them. As a result, getting them to stop will not be an overnight process.
We need to stay strong, sharp, and save our breath for someone worthy of our explanations. We need to save our energy and focus for those who matter. We must conserve our words for those who do not twist them and use them against us. Lastly, their projections are mere words. As cutting as they may be, they are coming from very real places of disorder.
Dead on right. I was being SMEARD to my friends and neighbors. He told them, I am promiscuous,lazy everything the opposite of whom I am. Should have gotten him out sooner. Because now by proxy, neighbors and people I know are taking his side. Then I sit and wonder,if I am any of these things?
Stockholm Syndrome, I torture my self, by doubting. I need to move, but it may be 2 years from now for a fresh start.
I think it is time for me to re-post what I posted years ago – when I first discovered LF. My ex Spath, recently, was evicted from the home that she purchased 8 doors away from my home after our divorce 5 years ago. She was the classic, “projector.” For the edification of those who care, please find below my “orignal” letter to LF which was sent in March, 2008. If you have seen it ”“ please ignore.
March, 2008
I apologize, in advance, for the length of this missive and any redundancies you may find. Before I begin, like so many others, I must say that finding this web site has been very helpful. I am not sure that this is the right “place” in the blog to post (for the first time) my feelings and experience. I have found that every area has a little piece of me and my story. I feel a sence of empathy and angst from most of the stuff I have read. It is a wonderful outlet.
“People do not get it— “Rumination is not easy to get over—”Hard learned truths—”I cannot talk to most people about this—”How do I forgive (& forget)” etc. ”“they all ring true with me.
However, I have not found one to be like mine. In fact, both of the marriage counselors that attempted the “emergency, triage, rescue” of our marriage said: “Yours is, undoubtedly, one of the very meanest and cruelest (and sad) cases we have ever dealt with.” These 2 doctors had a, combined, 60 years of marriage counseling experience between them. They were not prone to hyperbole. I realize this is not a contest ”“ I just seek opinion and empathy and fellowship ”“ just like everyone else. I have inferred that a majority of the contributors are women. I am a man. Also, what my spouse did to me and our 3 children was sudden no, previous,years of psychotic behaviour. But wait”
What happened to me has made the papers in our city because of my ex-wife’s bizzare behaviour. I apologize for the length that I think is about to spew out of me. I will try to give the, “Cliff Notes” version to keep it as short as possible. I also ask that you accept what I say here at face value. It is so bizzare and freaky that I, literally, would have bet my right hand if someone would have predicted what my ex-wife did begininning in July, 2006. Even writing this is difficult. It is something out of a Franz Kafka novel.
I married “Sherri” in 1998. She had 2 children, a 4 year old boy & an 8 year old girl. I also had an 8 year old daughter and instant step siblings were created. It was a fantastic family and a fantastic marriage; I loved her and she loved me deeply. By every estimate and every opinion of,virtually, everyone Ours was considered to be a strong, loving, giving marriage and we were best friends and lovers. She would have walked on glass for me and vice versa.. I raised her boy and girl as mine and she was step-mother to my daughter as well. The two step-sisters were inseperable and shared the same bed and went to school together for 10 years ”“ graduating in 2007. I had brought “Sherri” into our small, affluent community. I had lived in another home here with my first spouse. I introduced her to the community and she was welcomed and became part of the community. We travelled around the world and she only had to work if she chose to. That was 25% of the time. I always earned enough to support us in a comfortable life style.
Then it all happened:
November of 2005 I had to (suddenly) begin chemo ”“ for 52 weeks. Fortunately I had a very lucrative disability policy which allowed us to live in our beautiful home and not go bankrupt.
Sherri was also working at that time and travelling (in the company car) over a 4 state sales region. She was gone 3 to 5 days a week and never had to be my caretaker while I was on my back during chemo. She was earnng $85,000 at this time.
June of 2006 she came home at 10:00a.m., in her company car, and found me in the bathroom ”“ vomiting from that day’s chemo treatment and announced: “I just quit my job and have met a (28 year old tatoo artist- she’s 46) at a bar 2 days ago that I love and I tried to steal $28,000 from our bank account but they stopped me.” Something was obviously wrong.
As part of my chemo treatment, I was seeing a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist they routinely prescribed the, anti depressants that chemo neccessitate. They also provided counseling on a weekly basis as part of my insurer’s, “Chemo Management Plan.” They had know me very well by this point and asked that I bring Sherri in to see them immediately. After 14 visits (several with both Doctors in the same room) over a 10 day time span, Sherri was diagnosed as having the following:
“Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies” They suggested that, with proper medication and therapy she could, quite possibly, come back into the real world. It was not to be. She went into total denial, declared that there was nothing wrong and would not need any treatment of any kind. When told that they were advising me to divorce her as I could not fight cancer and her simultaneously, she replied, “I don’t give a F***!” A den mother and social committee volunteer! At this point I had lost 42 pounds from the chemo. At times my health was so fragile that it was really touch and go. I sure could have used her support then ”“ but it was not be. It was the exact opposite. The battle plans of a crazed woman were launched. That what she did (in comparison to her, life long, behaviour) is so beyond normal experince I can barely describe it.
She began drinking, doing drugs and staying out all night. I would get the (3) children off to school ”“ and she would be gone for 2 days! Remember, I was on chemo at this time! When I asked her, “Did you think you were going to quit your job, live off of my disability check and have an affair with this 28 year odl?” She answered, “Yes, yes I do.” A week later I filed for divorce.
After filing for divorce, I rented her a home 1 block away from ours so she could move there with her kids and they could finish the school year. The 28 year old boyfriend moved into her rental home that very same day! Imagine, my step-children had a complete stranger “replace” me on day one! I did not realize she would (in October, 2007) marry the 28 year old and buy the home. That is correct, she lives 1 block away with the (unemployed) tatoo artist in our tiny, gated, community. I am forced to see them daily.
2 weeks after moving out of my home, she snuck over and stole my 2 dogs. I let her take 99% of the furnishings; I was in a big, empty, house by myself. We had agreed upon separating that I would kep the dogs; she renged and announced, “I have changed my mind.”
She stopped all communication between her 2 kids and myself. I have not seen nor spoken to them in 2 years. She stopped all communication with my daughter (“Sherri” was her step-mother for 10 years)! When I told her that “Rachel” missed her and was hurt and puzzled that Sherri went incommunicado, Sherri replied, “F*** Rachel!” When the psychologist suggested that the children not be used as “Pawns” Sherri replied, “They are my pawns to use as I like.”
But it got worse much worse.
Shortly after separating and moving one block away, it became known that Sherri had ask her boyfriend to put a “hit” on me. Yes, she was caught (via e-mails) of hiring someone to kill me. When we went to court, the judge yawned, acted annoyed and refused to do anything other than issue a restraining order which read (in part): “Sherri shall not engage in threatening conversations nor share private information with others (regarding her husband)” That is it! Nothing more. Sherri dramatically ripped the restraining order to pieces in the, courthouse, parking lot and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Then the lies, defamation, slander and character assasination began in ernest. Over the course of the next 15 months, Sherri worked earnestly at telling every neighbor, friend or aquaintance the following:
1) Ken was diagnosed with: “Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies” (BTW, the psychologist predicted she might do this ”“ claim that I had the very same mental disorder she was diagnosed as having).
2) Ken is a, Mafia, hitman (I am in the financial sevices industry).
3) She and her children had to seek shelter at the center for battered women.
4) Ken is a (CIA like) computer hacker that traced and tracked anybody’s phone calls or e-mail messages at will.
5) Ken is not on chemo, he is away at (heroin) re-hab in Phoenix Arizona.
6) She told neighbors that if they did (financial planning) business with me, that I would steal their personal identity information and purchase homes around the U.S with their credit.
Incredibly, there were a few neighbors and friends that actually believed her story. As absurd as it sounds and contrary to everything they knew about me for 15+ years I learned that there are “friends” in this world that prefer “dirt” to the truth. To say she cleaved our small community would be an understatement.
After 6 months of this, and many letters from my attorneys asking that she cease and desisit spreading lies we had to haul her back into court. Once again, the judge took no real action. He issued another restraining order which said (in part): “Sherri shall stop spreading lies about Ken.” That is all. He never did seem to care and had an attitude of disdain. She also tore that restraining order to shreds in the parking lot of the courthouse and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Remember, I was still on Chemo at this point, spending what ultimately turned out to be $22,000 in attorney’s bills (just for myself). I was extremely week and had neither the will nor the strength to go out and “counter” her lies.
In January 2007, I took an 18 day trip to Costa Rica. The chemo had ended 60 days earlier (it worked ”“ I am alive and healthy). Upon returning, I had a sherriff knock on my door and hand me a document stating I had to be in court the next morning (January 19, 2007) at 8:00a.m. for an, “Emergency ex-parte stalking / abuse / restraining hearing” Sherri, in her own handwriting, went to the courthouse and swore out a complaint stating that I had come to her home on 6, different, occasions. Specifically, January 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 12th and the 15th. When we went to court, my passport and airline tickets showed that I was near the equator (in Costa Rica) from December 30th (2006) to January 17th (2007). Obviously, everything that Sherri claimed was a total lie. The judge did not grant her the (stalking) order. When my attorney asked that she be held in contempt of court for blatantly lying ”“ the judge said “No.” When my attorney’s asked that my legal fees be paid by Sherri due to her, obvious, lies and the time wasted in court the judge said, “No.” BTW, men getting shafted in court vis a vis divorce is par for the course in my state. In the parking lot of the courthouse she, once agan, screamed “F*** you.”
Oh, have I stated that she went completely, 100%, incommunicado since the day she moved out. She has only spoken to me once. And, as I said earlier, Sherri cut off all communication between me and the children. She also forbade her kids from speaking with my daughter their step-sibling of a decade. That is just, plain, cruel.
The divorce was finalized in, August, 2007. But the pathological lying continued, unabated. Finally, I had no choice but to file a libel / defamation & slander lawsuit against my ex-wife and her homeowners insurance company (under the, liability, portion) Farmers Insurance. In March of this year they paid me a large amount of money to drop the case. She also had to sign a letter allocuting to all of her lies and had to give me the two dogs back (which she had stolen 18 months earlier).
It would be so much easier if I had 10+ years of an awful marriage; this simply would have been the end of a bad thing. But, that was not the case; we had nothing but great times and true love. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS SO HARD. It was sudden, unexpected and so very violent in her utter silence and going incommunicado.
10 days prior to her, personality, disorder surfacing, Sheri gave me a card in which she had written the following words: “If God were sitting next to me now I would thank him for sending you to me. You have been a wonderful husband and the most perfect (step) father I could have ever wished for my kids.” This type of letter from her was quite common and I felt the same way. When we were talking to the psychologist, he asked: “Sherri, 10 days ago you wrote these words to Ken. What happened in the intervening 10 days?” She could not answer; she would just stare out of the window and say, “are we done yet?”
And all of you are correct, nobody wants to hear about this. Most people say, “”just get over it.” Or, “after 2 years, are you still talking about this shit?” Or, “I can’t believe that; there are always 3 sides to a divorce, his side, her side and the truth.”
I never got to tell ’em my side. I never got closure.
The Doctor’s called the multiple traumas I experienced, “Shakespaerean trauma.” I guess because it was so sudden and dramatic:
1) I was extremely ill and on chemo.
2) My spouse became (mentally) ill.
3) We were forced to divorce and our family destroyed.
4) When the chemo ended ”“ I was unemployed; my job had been eliminated.
5) My $400,000 home cracked in two pieces ”“ literally. The dirt shifted and my home split in two. Insurance does not cover this damage and I had to come up with $25,000 for emergency repairs.
6) During this 24 month nightmare, I had 16 (yes 16) close friends, neighbors and relatives die; I was a pallbearer at 9 of the funerals.
Six, major, traumas hit over a short period of time and I survived. Both psychologists said that there was one piece of good news. I, they said, am an “extremely strong” individual. They have had patient’s suffer nervous breakdowns and become hospitalized who had less trauma than me.
That is my story.
March, 2008.
RE: Forgiveness and my neighbors discussing my problem. Jane, I do not have any problem with my neighbors discussing what happened to me. Many of these folks were my source of support during my nightmare. In our tiny community, what my ex did made the (Kansas City Star Newspaper) when I sued her for defamation, libel & slander and was paid $65,000 by her (homeowners) insurer. It would be like people in L.A. not discussing the O.J. Simpson case 15 years ago. While I do not want to make this “forgiveness article” about myself, I have pasted below the very first letter that I wrote to LF in March, 2008. This was my first step toward “recovery”. I must infer that many people did not see it or remember it. So, for the edification of those who care, please find below my “orignal” letter to LF which was sent in March, 2008. If you have seen it ”“ please ignore.
Logger ~ your statement “It’s a pandemic of ignorance and it is very dangerous” RIGHT ON – VERY WELL STATED
From anyone who has been through the fractured Family Court system – we understand. What we can possibly do about it is another million dollar question.
Blindsided ~ How are YOU doing right now? How is your daughter? Thank you for posting this again, even if it was read before, it is not something to ignore.
Amen on this article!
My previous boss was like this. I had learned from the beginning to hold my line when she would get angry at me and call me a liar for bizarre stuff like changing the room temperature in the room all the time. Yeah I use to lower it some of the time and so did everyone else. None of us ever touched that dam thermostat again after her wack-job outburst at me.
She then started a campaign that I have a split personality at work. You know with her demonstrations I think she just might believe she has this issue herself. Come to believe it she’s the one with the personality disorder all I did was try to stay out of her arms way as much as possible.
I’m curious did most of you recognize that your trip from hell with the sociopath you had the misfortune to be in a relationship with have a drinking problem?
Every single one I know do except; the woman who raised me because she had a problem with her face turning red and image means everything to her.
raised by sociopath:
Yes, my spath is an alcoholic. An extremely high functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic just the same.
MiLo, thank you for your inquiry about my daughter. Rachel is now 23 years old and has graduated from a musical conservatory and is acting in Musicals. She was able to say “hi” on Facebook to her step-sister — but the relationship is forever gone and my ex destroyed it. I do not want to revel in it too much — but my ex Spath recently had the following occur to her all on the same day (about 90 days ago):
1) Her (4th) husband left her. This was the (now 33 year old) unemployed tattoo artist that she brought into our community and supported for 5 years. Once the money ran out and the novelty of being with a “Cougar” wore off – he dumped her.
2) She was evicted from her home (8 doors down from my home). The dumpster in the driveway; clothes and furniture piled up on the curb; the whole, humiliating, “eviction” thing occurred.
3) While taking a shower on the last day she was in the home, she, apparently slipped and shattered both hips and her right arm. Being uninsured, she ran up a medical bill of over $250,000 and was forced to file bankruptcy.
Many of my neighbors and friends call this Karma. They think it is the universe getting back at her for what she did to our family and me. I must admit, to learn that she is living in a lime green trailer in the middle of nowhere while getting around in a 4 wheel scooter and needing a wheel chair ramp — does feel good. It does not make up for the pain and heartache that she caused, but it is something. At least I am no longer subjected to her screaming: “F*** You” ”“ every time I pass her house.
Blindsided ~
Thanks for the update – good for Rachel, you must be one proud Papa.
Funny thing that Karma!!! Don’t you somehow feel it is sweeter when these kinds of things happen and you have had absolutely nothing to do with it? Sometimes we get so caught up with trying to plan some sort of revenge (at least in our minds) that we forget the “give them enough rope” rule.
Best wishes for a spath free future, you deserve it.
Blindsided,
I remember your original post and but I reread your letter just to refresh myself on the details. Congratulations on your remission/cure from your cancer.
Your story is definitely a Shakesperian tragedy if ever there was one….and late-onset bi-polar can rip marriages apart. I’ve seen it in other cases, though none as dramatic as yours.
Yes, there are “friends” who enjoy your pain and hearing all the dirt about it. “Ohhhhhh, ain’t it awful about John? Well I heard…..blah blah blah”
The things your x wife did are horrible. I hope that your step children when they are out from under her thumb will return for a relationship with you and your daughter. I hope they can see their mother’s life style as what it is.
These things are “unbelievable” but they happen. At least your therapists got it. When I went to a new therapist for rapid eye movement therapy for my PTSD during the summer of “chaos” as I call it, he did a 2 hour intake interview and at the end of it he thought I was a paranoid nut job and very nicely asked me to bring in someone who could verify what I was telling him. I laughed and told him “it does sound unbelievable doesn’t it.?”
This event is the MOST TRAUMATIC thing I can imagine. Just as my son sending an ex cell mate to kill me was/is the MOST TRAUMATIC AND DRAMATIC thing that has ever happened to me, but I MUST NOT LET THIS DEFINE WHO I AM. Or what I am.
Sure this “thing” has had profound effects on my life, but I do need to “get over it” as far as letting it define me. Not that I will ever “forget” it, but I have to come to PEACE AND ACCEPTANCE WITH IT. If that makes any sense.
I don’t know if you’ve read the articles about “forgiveness” here but my definition of it is that I have to get rid of the BITTERNESS toward them….as it only eats at me. Not that I will ever give them a pass for what they’ve done, or give them absolution or restore trust….NEVER! It is NO CONTACT because I don’t want them to have another chance to injure me.
Letting go of the bitterness is a continual process as well, it isn’t to me at least a “one and done” proposition. It is something that I must work on every day. I still think about them, as I post here on LF, but the FEELINGS are not the same, it doesn’t invoke pain like it did. I no longer feel the need to TELL OTHERS or to receive validation from others. This was a long time coming too. Lots of hard work.
While your wife (now Ex) did some horrible things to you, at least you have an explanation of WHY. She became ill. Just as your body had cancer, her body has a BRAIN INJURY. Just as if your cancer had gone to your brain with mets that made your mind crazy or senile, or if you’d been in a car wreck and had a head injury, you might have done some of the same crazy illogical, irrational things that she did.
I know looking at her behavior as BRAIN INJURY/DISEASE rather than as just plain “bad behavior” may not change the consequences to your life, but maybe by looking at it as brain INJURY/DISEASE you can realize that the wife you loved, that loved you is GONE, just as if she had died.
I worked with spinal cord and head injuries (mostly from traumatic injuries but some from strokes etc) and the problems that happened ini the families were horrible.
If a person knows who the president is and knows the day and month and year (pretty much) they are not “certifiable” as unable to do and conduct their own lives and business….my step son was injured and though he was working with the IQ of a pretty severely retarded person, he was on the very edge of certifiable and my husband and I chose not to fight him for “control” of his business. It was a mistake.
Your x wife is not “certifiable” though the behavior subsequent to this late onset bi-polar is obviously “crazy” and has wrecked what you saw as “your life.”
Though we think we have built our lives up to the point that we are “safe” as you know cancer can creep into them and change them….devastate our finances, our houses can crack in two, all kinds of bad things can rip our security out from under us.
Look at the Jews in WWII who were middle class or even wealthy and had everything taken away by the Nazi government and were sent to camps to be burned by the millions. Most of these people thought they were “safe” but the world is not a safe place for anyone in truth. We can only be safe within ourselves.
Blindsided, I suggest that you read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning” you can order it off amazon used for a couple of bucks. It really helped me in my loss of everything that I held precious. God bless and keep you and bring you peace. (((hugs))) Finding meaning in the things we have suffered brings peace.
I return to LF time and time again to help me understand… Four years later and I’m still here, from time to time anyway! My introduction to sociopathy came four years ago from a woman who I was ‘best friends’ with for nine years and who had been having an affair with my husband for six of those years. Her infiltration into my life was maniacal and left tremendous scars on not only me but, my children and husband as well. Projection, yes, turning their hatred of themselves onto us. I often wondered why she was brought into my life, what lesson would come of this horrific experience. Today I understand so much more about people. I am able to give my children the tools to be able to deal with this type of person without having to endure the hurt and pain before escaping. Now, I am dealing with and trying to come to terms with my brother being a possible, or maybe probable, sociopath who is a master at projection, confusion, keeping secrets, manipulation… What a sad, destructive disorder this is! Thank you Linda for this article as it is what I needed to hear!
Hens;
I am sorry to read that you x-spath chose to settle so close to you. Many here state that spaths do seem to find a way to get back in your life, even after many years of no contact. I agree with those who believe that this is not a coincidence. He was probably targeting individuals in your area, giving him, in his mind, three options: the current victim, cruising and you.
I can imagine your shock at seeing him. I feel fortunate that my x-spath is 3000 miles away and chances of running into him are not great. However, about 3 months ago or so, I again came across a profile of his on the internet. I freely admit to being very, very triggered, as in two previous such “encounters.”
Now removed from the shock, I am honestly better off for knowing a bit more about him, because it is the real truth, not a carefully constructed mask.
You saw your x-spath cruising. This is a fact you cannot deny. That he seems to be in a “relationship” and still engages in such behaviors does not paint a very attractive picture of him.
My x-spath effectively is “cruising” the internet. Since he lies about his age, location, and personal details, I cannot believe he is looking for a relationship. Given he appears to be going to some length to hide is identity implies that he might be in some sort of “relationship” does not bother me one bit. That he is very, very active on this site is telling.
Happy people do not spend hours and hours cruising the internet using a profile that is completely false, nor do they cruise parks.
Thus, we need to erase from our minds any notion these guys are worthy of love. We also need to realize the “appearance” of a relationship does not mean one exists. They are merely feeding off their next victim. If both you and I wanted the appearance of a relationship, we could have that tomorrow.
Take the truth for what it is, as I did. In the end, while painful in the moment, these revelations of truth ended up being healing in the end.