Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, has died.
I can’t help but wonder if the travesty of the last few months, with his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, being charged with sexually molesting 10 young boys over 15 years, killed him.
I’m not an alumna of Penn State. (I am, however, an alumna of Syracuse University, with its own scandal of an assistant basketball coach allegedly molesting boys.) Still, I hate to see the storied career of Joe Paterno forever blackened by the malevolent behavior of one man, if that proves to be the case.
Some people argue that Paterno had to know what was going on. They argue that Paterno was so concerned about his legacy, the reputation of his football program and Penn State University, that he was willing to turn a blind eye to the behavior of Jerry Sandusky.
I’m not so sure.
Since the scandal broke in November, Joe Paterno has given only one interview, to Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post. The story was published on January 14, 2012. It characterizes Joe Paterno as unable to comprehend what Sandusky may have done, because it was simply too foreign to the way Paterno himself lived his life. Jenkins writes:
He reiterated that McQueary was unclear with him about the nature of what he saw and added that even if McQueary had been more graphic, he’s not sure he would have comprehended it.
“You know, he didn’t want to get specific,” Paterno said. “And to be frank with you I don’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of, rape and a man. So I just did what I thought was best. I talked to people that I thought would be, if there was a problem, that would be following up on it.”
Is it possible to be that unaware of the existence of evil? Yes, it is, and we all know it.
While I was uninitiated, meaning, before my direct, personal encounter with a social predator, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would cross paths with evil. I didn’t know that someone who appeared to be so loving and caring could have a hidden agenda. I lived a life of integrity, and I believed that the people who were part of my life were like me.
But, some may argue, sex abuse of children has been in the news for years—look at the stories about the Catholic Church. Well, my cousin was abused by priests. He received financial compensation many years ago—it was probably one of the first cases to be settled. I heard people in my family talking about it. Still, I did not comprehend what he must have experienced.
I didn’t understand the human capacity for manipulation and evil until it happened to me.
So, yes, I can believe that Joe Paterno was clueless. He grew up in a different era, when although the sexual abuse of children probably occurred, it certainly wasn’t talked about. He was inspired by his father. He believed in education. He believed in turning troubled athletes around. His whole life was about winning with integrity.
So for Paterno to realize, at this late stage of his life, that he may have been hoodwinked by someone so close to him must have been a terrible shock. It probably didn’t cause his lung cancer. But it may have sapped Paterno’s strength to fight it.
Read Joe Paterno’s last interview, on WashingtonPost.com.
Jesus said, referring to little children that “a man who harms these (children) would be better off with a mill stone tied around his neck and tossed into the sea.” (paraphrased) You know, I agree. I think there is a hot spot in hell for such people who harm children in any way!
There is no doubt in my mind that we live in an offender protective society. While people are aghast that Mr. Padermo turned a blind eye to the abuse that was revealed to him by passing the buck on to the “proper” authorities.he followed the protocal for dealing with disclosures.
This is a very slippery slope where each person passes the disclosure to someone else and no one wants to deal with the children who are abused.
I worked in a school system as a counselor and I heard disclosures of sexual and physical abuse often. When I reported to the principals at the different schools the reaction was always the same: they were very scared. Scared of the repercussions, scared of making false accusations and being sued, scared of offenders who came crashing into the office like angry bulls denying what they were accused of. One accusation of sexual abuse requires a team of very skilled and courageous professionals to hold back the tide of rage, fear, and aggression that often comes after the accusations have been made.
Sometimes I would report abuse and it was handled by an interviewer who did not get much information from the abused child so it looked like I was exaggerating the abuse. One principal said that “we don’t have the staff to handle disclosures” so he wanted the safe touch program cancelled. One does not have to go as far as a university sports team to find serious abuse. One in five children have been sexually abused. This is a staggering statistic. That means you already know several kids who have been abused and you haven’t noticed it or reported.
That is because we a trained NOT to notice and if we do notice, to push it to the back of our primordial brains.
From what I have seen I would say that the higher one is up the ladder in a bureaucracy, the more one colludes with denial of sexual abuse. After all Joe had the good of the many as his goal, rather than the good of the few who were being abused. As a very busy man he could just file the disclosures into a neat little file and delegate it to some subordinate who may or may not have the courage to probably lose his career over taking hold of the tiger’s tale.
I sure respect people who help children and continue to support them through the process of disclosing sexual abuse. Each person from then on has to be willing to step up the plate ie parents, social worker, court system, social network, church. It is not easy.
Joe is the tip of the iceberg. I hope that he becomes
an example of how not to behave. He is hung out to dry but he is behaving the same way that multitudes in his place are trained to behave. To pass the buck.
I would like to add to the above post. Whistleblowers are treated with less respect than the offender even though child abuse is very common and always has been.
Even in this supposed to be ‘enlightened’ 21st century.
xxx
Hi skylar, oh great, I’m glad you are doing well. I am in some ways, and making progress talking to my husband whose ex is a spath of some sort about his seeing the ex’s psychological issues, and in his seeing how his own narcissistic tendencies work between he and I, and a little about how they contributed toward he and his ex. Which I feel from reading about “negotiating” with any unhealthy narcissism, makes me lucky, that he’s open to considering it, and actually does some thinking about it on his own..
Other than that things are up and down? Given the comments here, I had bought several narcissism books in order to see how he and I could more effectively interact with his ex wife. Though the more I read, the more of my husband I saw in his and my relationship. While I find that his ex wife is at the more extreme end of unhealthy narcissism, he’s somewhere in the middle, and… I’m not sure where I am exactly. But it’s kind of horrifying, but hopefully helpful for me to see myself on that continuum too, wherever I might lie? I know I am unrelenting when hoping to communicate something to someone close to me who seems unwilling to understand what I am saying and prefers to shut me down (by walking away or attacking me or changing the subject). But what is my unrelentingness, too, I wonder? I guess that is kind of like my being a tyrant too, in my communication efforts perhaps. When I do it, it’s my goal to be understood and partnered with, versus just walking away un-understood, and without our partnering together on the issue we are discussing. I have known for years and years that I strive, very hard, for mutually satisfying resolution to conflict, though if the other just wants to ignore it, I guess I need to learn to respect that option too? That is super hard for me, especially when I am pushing for us to agree to resolve conflict… it’s almost like catch-22, I think. Ugh. I have agreed that a statement like, “I’d prefer to resolve this later,” can work fine, but the later needs to happen.
Anyhow, my husband is going in to mediation at his ex wife’s insistence this week, I’m sure it will be fun. She has given him no list of issues she wants mediated. Mutual friends have let us know the ex wife tells these friends that their kids don’t like me, that we lock them out of our cabin when we are on vacation with them [she actually said this which is incredible + alarming], and that we don’t provide clothes for them over here. I let the husband know he needs to be prepared, documenting is super important obviously, because I would not be surprised if she whips all of this out in an effort to try to get sole custody of their kids. We consulted with a div atty a few months ago to ask about this (okay, I asked, the husband still doubts she’d do this, even given what the ex wife is telling friends), who noted that it’s a very hard road for her to get sole custody, and that much proof needs to be delivered which while making us feel a little bit better, is unsettling anyway. Given how she “settled” their divorce, she knows we have very little money compared to her household’s at least 700k a year so they potentially have the ability for a longer legal thing than we do, certainly.
I feel kind of nauseous as I write this out. But… is there much on here about support for the documentation efforts?! I have found it very hard, even though I have known I need to do it since reading things, here and researching what I see in her. Yuck. Thank you for any helpful advice re documenting!
What an exchange of ideas.
After living what I just lived the last 30 years, I am in the camp of belief that spaths and N know EXACTLY what they are doing and choose it. I can tell you at least with my spath, he took the very most advantage of me when I was weak and vulnerable.
Our times were roughest when I was pregnant, had little kids, exhausted, etc. When I was on top of my game, feeling good, the spath was a fairly decent guy. He played to the public. He was all about [how do I look] and reputation. But behind closed doors he was usually a booze guzzling asshole.
This is the Jekyl Hyde, roller coaster mind f*ck. The predator mentality, mean spirited bully. These vampires don’t strike on people who they think will hit back (at least very hard).
I saw spath bully his own children. I’ve seen him literally kick the dog. He was miserable
My role: I thought I could help, I thought I could make a difference. The kinder I was – he sensed it for weakness. I think agape love only works on children. And all the talk about kids…. It’s absolutely despicable preying on someone who entrusts and the trust is breached because of “authority.” It is the ultimate act of a bully !!!!
Um, did Paterno know? Ya, I think so. Probably best he left the earth before opening up that can of worms.
newstepmom ~
Helpful remarks on documenting over on January 13 or 16th topic “Psychopathic Mom Pressing For More Time With Kids.” Go to end of topics showing now and go back one page – at the top.
Rule on documenting – document EVERYTHING
Mine got the shock of his life when he experienced weak, kind, forgiving, unjudgmental, saw good in everyone and every situation me hit back hard.
He touched my kids-even if it was only in his mind.
xxx
Newstepmon,
I am glad tha tyou are still here and still reading and learning.
The learning starts out to be about them, but ends up being about ourselves, and I see that you are doing some SELF LEARNING and searching about your own issues. That is good.
We do need to discuss and communicate, but you cannot FORCE communication on people. There are some people, also that you will NEVER BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE with. That is a fact of life that must be accepted.
Those people with whom you cannot communicate and who do things to you or others that are not things that you can live with, sometimes those people must be moved out of your life.
Sometimes that is difficult but it might be that you and your husband might want to have HIM primarily spend time with his kids, and you not so much until the ex wife calms down about how he married a “witch”—Good luck and keep on learning!
What a wonderful conversation – thank you all. I especially appreciate the comments by Whatevs.
Yes, people have said that Joe Paterno was a tyrant, and there have been some unflattering stories about him. But there have also been many guys who played football for him who say that Joe Paterno did teach them about playing and winning with honor.
I think it may be possible that Joe Paterno was so invested in his view of the world – that he was doing good, helping the university, helping turn troubled football players around, that he may not have fully comprehended what Mike McQueary told him.
Or he was heavily invested in the idea that he knew best so he wanted to call all the shots. I did see – but had forgotten about – those stories about his clashes with ethics officers regarding football players who had committed assaults. They should have been suspended, but Paterno let them play.
Maybe Paterno did, in fact, only want to protect his kingdom.
Or maybe Paterno really couldn’t conceive of the fact that there could be evil in Happy Valley. His Happy Valley, where he was running his football program the way that he deemed fit.
We all have our views of the world. We interpret the information we receive through the filter that is our view of the world. Many, many people have told me that they simply could not comprehend that the sociopath they were involved with could actually be plotting, scheming and betraying them on purpose. Why? Because it didn’t fit with their view of the world.
I have no first-hand information about this situation. But I certainly do hope that now other people, when told about possible sex abuse in their companies, organizations, schools, etc., will remember what happened to Joe Paterno and take the allegations seriously.
Hi, thank you so much MiLo, Ox Drover, I really, really appreciate your comments. And thank you for referring me over to the topic of moms pressing for more time… how did you know this one is doing that as well? Thanks so much. I feel so happy to have this resource.