Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, has died.
I can’t help but wonder if the travesty of the last few months, with his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, being charged with sexually molesting 10 young boys over 15 years, killed him.
I’m not an alumna of Penn State. (I am, however, an alumna of Syracuse University, with its own scandal of an assistant basketball coach allegedly molesting boys.) Still, I hate to see the storied career of Joe Paterno forever blackened by the malevolent behavior of one man, if that proves to be the case.
Some people argue that Paterno had to know what was going on. They argue that Paterno was so concerned about his legacy, the reputation of his football program and Penn State University, that he was willing to turn a blind eye to the behavior of Jerry Sandusky.
I’m not so sure.
Since the scandal broke in November, Joe Paterno has given only one interview, to Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post. The story was published on January 14, 2012. It characterizes Joe Paterno as unable to comprehend what Sandusky may have done, because it was simply too foreign to the way Paterno himself lived his life. Jenkins writes:
He reiterated that McQueary was unclear with him about the nature of what he saw and added that even if McQueary had been more graphic, he’s not sure he would have comprehended it.
“You know, he didn’t want to get specific,” Paterno said. “And to be frank with you I don’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of, rape and a man. So I just did what I thought was best. I talked to people that I thought would be, if there was a problem, that would be following up on it.”
Is it possible to be that unaware of the existence of evil? Yes, it is, and we all know it.
While I was uninitiated, meaning, before my direct, personal encounter with a social predator, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would cross paths with evil. I didn’t know that someone who appeared to be so loving and caring could have a hidden agenda. I lived a life of integrity, and I believed that the people who were part of my life were like me.
But, some may argue, sex abuse of children has been in the news for years—look at the stories about the Catholic Church. Well, my cousin was abused by priests. He received financial compensation many years ago—it was probably one of the first cases to be settled. I heard people in my family talking about it. Still, I did not comprehend what he must have experienced.
I didn’t understand the human capacity for manipulation and evil until it happened to me.
So, yes, I can believe that Joe Paterno was clueless. He grew up in a different era, when although the sexual abuse of children probably occurred, it certainly wasn’t talked about. He was inspired by his father. He believed in education. He believed in turning troubled athletes around. His whole life was about winning with integrity.
So for Paterno to realize, at this late stage of his life, that he may have been hoodwinked by someone so close to him must have been a terrible shock. It probably didn’t cause his lung cancer. But it may have sapped Paterno’s strength to fight it.
Read Joe Paterno’s last interview, on WashingtonPost.com.
Hi, I have been reading the comments on this post and on some others and am finding myself more and more upset by the trend I am seeing of referring more and more to “They did the best they could.” excuse for bad, destructive, evil, harmful behavior and the ignoring or choosing not to see behavior of bystanders.
There are all kinds of reasons why people do bad things, not all are mistakes or ignorance. Regardless of the reasons, as the victim, my focus needs to be on holding the reality of the harm done to me (something I struggle hard to do) and I need to work hard and remain vigilant in staying far away from wasting any more time, or opening myself up to more harm and shame and blame, by trying to understand why the psychopath/narcissist did what they did.
In my experience, Spaths seem to find no shortage of people willing to make excuses for them. It is that tendency that aids in spaths ability to do harm, shift blame to their victims, and adds To the lack of compassion, real understanding and real support for their victims. When someone makes a mistake that does harm to another and owns and admits it and makes real amends and shows real change and positive growth, then I will give them my compassion and understanding and my willingness to say that they did the best they could at the time. The reality is that Spaths/narcissists don’t admit, apologize, make amends grow and change….They simply move on to their next victim with the help of all those who would excuse their behavior with “they did the best they could.”
Philomela,
I have been feeling the same way you have lately, so much so I have not bothered to post and voice my opinion.
If we are to believe sociopaths have “No heart, no conscience and no remorse” then how can we also believe things like sin is due to ignorance or we are only capable of making choices that we believe to be right at the time.
I am looking over at the ad for Donna’s new book that is coming out “Red Flags Love Fraud” 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. How can we look for red flag warning signs in people when we aren’t suppose to judge them?
I am viewing a lot I am reading as excuses for this type of behavior. There can never be excuses for this behavior. IMO, that is what the defense did in the Casey Anthony trial, they immediately gave the jury an excuse for Casey’s lying – sexual assault by her father. Nothing to prove that, but the jury believed it. It was easier to believe that than to IMAGINE that there could be a young woman without a heart, a conscience or remorse. That is how dangerous excuses for behavior can be.
You are right, it is a whole different ball game when someone makes a mistake, shows empathy and tries to be different, then yes compassion and understanding is what we should do, otherwise “trying to help” is dangerous and will not work.
In the scriptures, Ezeliel to be exact – I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards. I will judge them then they will know that I am the Lord.
Proverbs – The Lord detests men of perverse heart.
Forgiveness, yes I believe God has the power to forgive all sins, IF the sinner repents and asks for forgiveness. If a person has no conscience, why would he ask for forgiveness?
Little White Horse,
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. I have previously read some of your experiences on this site and I have to say that I think you are right on target when you say that if you had left your ex Spath years ago he would have had full overnight access to your then very small girls. Even though you suffered as a result of six more years with him, what a relief that your babies were spared! As a mom, I agreed completely with the sentiment that though I didn’t enjoy being hurt, at least my daughter was spared.
I really liked what you said about God being busy and us needing to do his work sometimes! I had such a bad association about being “judgmental” but if it protects us from evil people, it’s necessary…
Thank You MiLo. I really appreciate the validation.
I am having a really hard time lately and am feeling really triggered by this. I have been on this site a long time (though I rarely post) and have noticed a real shift-a shift that bothers me and concerns me.
I kept coming back to this site to read when I began to doubt my own experience or felt that I needed some validation, compassion and understanding (i.e. when my friends ask me if perhaps the ex “is depressed” and that is why he did what he does what he does to me and his children.)
I am not religious and I do not know whether or not the Spaths will ever get their come-uppins in this life or the next. I have stopped worrying about that.
What I do want when I come to this site is a safe place that is different from the world I must confront every day where I suffer the blame, shame, humiliation and real practical effects of the harm done to me and my life, by the various spaths and N’s I have encountered (first in growing up in my family of origin and then in my relationships as an adult) .
What I want when I come to this site is a reminder that evil is real and that it is not about me, that I did not elicit it or deserve it, but rather that I was the victim of it, and that no matter if I had been more loving, more understanding, more something that I am not, that the evil would exist and simply find another victim if I had not been there.
I want to learn how to protect myself from being victimized again, I want to learn how to hold my boundaries and honor my anger and my wounds and my sadness. I want to learn to hold that I am as entitled as any other human being to exist, to take up space,to be treated with love, care, compassion, honesty, etc.
I come here to remind myself that I am not alone, that I didn’t deserve it, that I don’t have to allow others to harm me(because they are wounded, or can’t help it).
Perhaps even the worst monster deserves compassion and understanding from someone, but not from his/her victims and not in front of them, and certainly not at their victims expense.
I struggle daily to listen to my own instincts and trust my own experience and sense of reality in the face of those who “choose” not to see and would rather silence me than to have to “know” and perhaps confront or take a stand against the evil.
I struggle to find and keep my voice and speak my truth, even if no one wants to hear it or believe it.
Most of all I come to this site in my struggle to remind myself that despite everything, I am still here, and I am a survivor (and that “survivor” is not a “dirty word”).
There is no excuse (though there may be reasons) for unrepentant harm to others
Phil ~ I hear you loud and clear.
Your last sentence “There is no excuse (though there may be reasons) for unrepentant harm to others.” – – – My 11 year old grandson, who we are raising because our P/daughter abused and neglected him, was having some behavior problems in school awhile back. I told his teachers, I can give you the reason behind his bad behavior, BUT it can not and must not be used as an excuse for it.
I want to add that I have no idea what was in Paterno’s head or experience… However, I do think that we have a society that encourages conspiracies of silence and those conspiracies of silence ultimately re-traumatize and often hinder or even prevent healing for victims by silencing or ostracizing them.
two books worth reading:
“The Elephant in the Room, Silence and Denial in Everyday Life” by Eviatar Zerubavel.
and
“Moral Repair, Restructuring Moral Relations After Wrongdoing” by Margaret Urban Walker
Philomela,
Thank you for your last post. I really connected to the feelings you shared. I’m so new to my healing that some of the stuff in the thread stirred up feellings of guilt for being judgmental. My spath used to keep me in line with guilt, and especially guilt for judging him or other people who were hurting me. I have a right and an obligation to self preservation and if that requires judging others, I need to get comfortable with being “judgmental.” Keep on keeping on.
If an abuser is doing the best that they can under the circumstances then how come it’s covert. The abuser is NOT the victim. Not in my book. And that’s the only book I’m going to refer to in future.
It is not my place to forgive. It is my place to protect. The innocent from the perpetrator. Zero tolerance
Thank you MiLo, LPMarie13, and strongawoman…I really needed the support today. I can feel myself begin to breathe again.
Here is an article I wrote a while back about “being judgmental” and I still believe that we Need to JUDGE what is right and judge what is wrong in a person’s behavior.
Sort’em out and then let God deal with their souls, we’ll deal with what they DO.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/03/25/being-a-judgmental-person-is-more-than-okay-it-is-wise/