Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, has died.
I can’t help but wonder if the travesty of the last few months, with his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, being charged with sexually molesting 10 young boys over 15 years, killed him.
I’m not an alumna of Penn State. (I am, however, an alumna of Syracuse University, with its own scandal of an assistant basketball coach allegedly molesting boys.) Still, I hate to see the storied career of Joe Paterno forever blackened by the malevolent behavior of one man, if that proves to be the case.
Some people argue that Paterno had to know what was going on. They argue that Paterno was so concerned about his legacy, the reputation of his football program and Penn State University, that he was willing to turn a blind eye to the behavior of Jerry Sandusky.
I’m not so sure.
Since the scandal broke in November, Joe Paterno has given only one interview, to Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post. The story was published on January 14, 2012. It characterizes Joe Paterno as unable to comprehend what Sandusky may have done, because it was simply too foreign to the way Paterno himself lived his life. Jenkins writes:
He reiterated that McQueary was unclear with him about the nature of what he saw and added that even if McQueary had been more graphic, he’s not sure he would have comprehended it.
“You know, he didn’t want to get specific,” Paterno said. “And to be frank with you I don’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of, rape and a man. So I just did what I thought was best. I talked to people that I thought would be, if there was a problem, that would be following up on it.”
Is it possible to be that unaware of the existence of evil? Yes, it is, and we all know it.
While I was uninitiated, meaning, before my direct, personal encounter with a social predator, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would cross paths with evil. I didn’t know that someone who appeared to be so loving and caring could have a hidden agenda. I lived a life of integrity, and I believed that the people who were part of my life were like me.
But, some may argue, sex abuse of children has been in the news for years—look at the stories about the Catholic Church. Well, my cousin was abused by priests. He received financial compensation many years ago—it was probably one of the first cases to be settled. I heard people in my family talking about it. Still, I did not comprehend what he must have experienced.
I didn’t understand the human capacity for manipulation and evil until it happened to me.
So, yes, I can believe that Joe Paterno was clueless. He grew up in a different era, when although the sexual abuse of children probably occurred, it certainly wasn’t talked about. He was inspired by his father. He believed in education. He believed in turning troubled athletes around. His whole life was about winning with integrity.
So for Paterno to realize, at this late stage of his life, that he may have been hoodwinked by someone so close to him must have been a terrible shock. It probably didn’t cause his lung cancer. But it may have sapped Paterno’s strength to fight it.
Read Joe Paterno’s last interview, on WashingtonPost.com.
I’ve been reading Lovefraud for a year and a half, which is how long it’s been since my ‘spath experience. I’ve been reading your articles and comments day in and day out and I just realized a most peculiar thing: I consider all of you friends. I’ve never met you or communicated with you and you don’t even know I exist, but this is how it feels. I hope you don’t mind.
The writing on this site often knocks my socks off ”“ actually, it never fails to knock my socks off, not once. I’m coming out in the open to tell you, Philomena, you do write so beautifully. Your words sounds like a double thump on on the heart. Like a very ladylike roar.
Thank-you everyone for everything. I’m not leaving; I’m starting. It’s time. Hi everyone.
Welcome aboard Dear! Yes, I was a lurker for a long time before I joined in conversation. My story was so bizarre I was afraid to post out of fear I would be judged. Then I realized everyone here was in the same boat.
I’ve told things here I’ve never told folks I know in person. Because I don’t want to be judged and also the fact some people have never been what I’ve been through.
If they’ve never come in contact with a spath they just don’t get it. The best part is you can contribute to the discussion and remain anonymous.
My only fear here is my ex would read my case history and connect the dots.
Or someone from my past or his would. It wouldn’t surprise me if another woman from his past has posted here before. Past, present, or future.
Anyhow welcome aboard and don’t be afraid to chime in.
Joanie123
Joanie123: I have that fear as well, but I have no reason for the fear. My details are so unique, though. Anybody would recognize me! 😛
I’ll take my chances. This place is great for sharing and connection. It’s worth it to me. I guess we all have to decide if it is worth the risk.
Thank you for the welcome, Joanie123. It’s ridiculous that we are afraid our spaths will recognize themselves and come after us in any way. But they are all such cliches, they could easily be mistaken for any other spath. I like knowing and thinking about that because it would make them so mad if they knew! They think they are soooo special. But it annoys and infuriates me that people will do harm to others and then expect them to take it, be stoic, and shut up about it. If they don’t want people knowing and thinking bad of them, then they shouldn’t have done what they did. We must all be accountable for our actions. During the spathing I missed a lot of work days and then got vertigo so bad that I couldn’t even ride the subway to work without throwing up and was eventually “let go.” I went down from size eight to size zero in six months and no one said a peep about that except the mailman. It clearly wasn’t a disciplined and gorgeous kind of weight loss, it was the fraught, bundle of nerves kind of weight loss. The only time that has ever happened in my life, me being fired and not following through with my responsibilities, and not just involving my job. I was a mess in every area of my life. I had to be held accountable and I have no problem with that, but I was just the middle man – why do I always have to take the fall? My spath didn’t even work and his mom paid for his rent so why cldn’t he be the one to get vertigo and throw up constantly? The bathroom was only four steps from the bed he slept in all day, sometimes with other women. Geez. It made me crazy afterwards – why wasn’t HE the one throwing up?!! Anyway, Joe Paterno is like so many people in my life that saw something was wrong and could connect the dots if they wanted, or just say something, anything, and didn’t. It was just easier for them to do nothing and acknowledge nothing. It’s uncomfortable for others, it’s dark and everyone has their own problems, I get it, but this stuff is happening whether they acknowledge it or not, and aren’t we supposed to look out for each other? I’d feel better if people would just cop to having the gut feeling that something was wrong but did not feel sufficiently confident or energetic or – let’s admit it – caring enough to follow it all the way to the end. That’d I’d believe just fine.
But all this wisdom and understanding and soul here…I’d rather count myself in with the lovefraud group than the spath group anyday, even though it caused me so much pain and heartbreak. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in the mirror while singing along to Madonna’s “Live to Tell.” How low I hung my head and for how long. The pain, oh my gosh. Incredible. Out of this world.
And littlewhitehorse, I absolutely LOVE the idea of asking “what have I done wrong?” whenever I feel guilt or shame. Have done it a few times in the last hour already.
There’s a line in a poem I read once and I can’t remember the poet or what the poem is called. I’ve been searching for the last year. “I’ve been on a terrible pilgrimage; I’m going back for more.”
“I can remember when I worked for a fortune 500 company in my youth the place was crawling with spaths. They held all the power. And they would do anything to step over someone to get to the top.”
Joanie123;
This has been my experience as well.
“A spath CEO got me fired from my job for not playing his game. A lot of times if you turn in the spath or try and warn people it get’s used against you.”
Mt situation was scapegoat. I have a paper trail warning my spath x-boss about problems with a particular contract where the Vendor was not delivering to terms. He ignored me and did nothing. Actually, he did worse than nothing. He continued to report to senior management that all was “green.” When things blew up, he publicly stated he was unaware of any issues… My career was essentially ruined, but my company kept me around long enough to milk my knowledge until things were turned around….
This article pretty much sums up the attitude of football leagues, coaches and players. They either don’t care about morality or they are spaths who like to throw it in our faces. They know that the football fans will still cheer them on no matter what they do.
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/01/30/convicted-pedophile-gary-glitter-could-make-hundreds-thousands-from-super-bowl/?intcmp=obnetwork
Looking back I can see that when I said to spathy/sis “I MIGHT want to buy the family home” she was sitting next to me on the setee and turned around to face me and fixed me with the predator stare! This was not in her plans at all. Her reply was “That’s you dictating what you want!” I was so upset (Mum had died less than 3 weeks and Dad 3 days) She, being a spathy, saw my distress as emotional attatchment to the house and a problem to be dealt with. I WAS emotionally attatched to our MUM which she was not. Her emotions are shallow. Only interested in whatever suits HER purpose. Later, (15 weeks) she presumed to read my mind “she had anticipated this ploy by me to try to buy the house for less than valuation” These mind games; is this “gaslighting? This is all in her own mind. Unfortunately people have been influenced by her lies.
I was so confused. Life to her is a battle/game and she MUST win. She MUST keep control. NO ONE must ever get the better of her. When I refused to engage in HER games of manipulation etc….. she accused ME of being mentally ill, and “although I couldn’t see it” I “really should get help!” She lives in OZ. The wider family only see her occasionally and her “best” side, of course!
anam cara,
From my experience with spaths, I’ve come to the conclusion that they don’t really want anything, until they observe that YOU want it. Then suddenly, they MUST have it.
They have no values, they don’t understand what is valuable or why it is. That’s why they look to us, to point out what we want. Then, they suddenly want it too. I don’t believe that they are aware of this aspect of themselves. To them it just feels like they want what they want, but the truth is they want what YOU want.
There are some pros and cons in this situation. The cons are of course that you must always hide what you want. Don’t let them see what you with to acquire unless you want a rival for that item.
The pros are that they are EASILY duped into thinking you want something you really don’t.
In this case, you have already let on that you wanted the house. It is now up to you to try to make it seem that you’ve considered the matter and changed your mind for a variety of really good reasons: too expensive, too many memories, too much responsibility and anything else you can think of. Hopefully she will lose interest as well. Then you can act offended that you are being FORCED to buy the home because nobody else wants the responsibility of keeping the family home within the family. Complain bitterly.
That’s true, about them not legitimately knowing what is valuable or why. It’s a weird glitch they have. He would actually call people “valuable” and I thought it was a nice and thoughtful thing to say until I found out what what he really meant by it. Like a co-worker was always being thoughtful to me about giving me cooking tips and even gave me a cooking class series as a gift and he said, “oh, she is very valuable.” He would say that often about people and sometimes – barf – about me. The other thing he did that was strange was focus on the date of establishment of a company. Whenever we passed or came across a store or whatever and it said est. 1950 or some old date, he would say it outloud and declare that that place must be “good.” He did this all the time, sometimes a few times in one day. I’d laugh sometimes thinking it was just “a thing” but he didn’t seem to notice he was doing it.
Concur with Skylar. When it comes to spaths and the question “is this gaslighting?” you can be sure that the answer is always “yes” – especially when it appears to be “no.”
parallelogram,
I can’t remember but I think it was you who posted about the man who said, “fix your own life asshole!” to your spath.
It struck me as a very insightful comment, especially coming from a panhandler. Then yesterday I realized why. I had read those words from another wise man, Jesus.
Matthew 7:5
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
LOL! I laughed again yesterday when I thought of it. It really must’ve been an angel.