Sometimes I like to revisit, churn all over again, a prior concern around sociopathy. A number of colleagues were recently stressing the defective quality of empathy in the more sociopathic clients they work with, while I found myself stressing the quality of remorselessness in the more sociopathic clients with whom I work (and have worked).
In my view, remorselessness is a much more serious indicator of sociopathy than lack of empathy per se. I know I’ve stated this in previous pieces, but well”¦here I go all over again.
Many people lack empathy for a great many reasons, depending on how one even defines empathy. But clearly this is true—many of us have a relatively difficult time emotionally stepping into another’s shoes and genuinely, emotionally inhabiting (as it were) his or her experience; that is, feeling their experience with them, for them.
I’d venture to say that a rather high percentage of the general population fails pretty badly at meeting this pretty classical criterion to be considered “empathic.” Of course, nothing is black and white: sometimes we find ourselves experiencing empathy in surprising circumstances, almost unaccountably; otherwise, sensing that empathy is clearly indicated in certain situations, we might find ourselves in suprisingly, uncomfortably short supplies of it?
And so the experience of pure empathy eludes many of us, perhaps even the majority of us, often”¦more often than we might even want to admit.
However, remorselessness is a whole different kettle of fish. A typical case involving a nonsociopath goes like this. One partner, a good communicator, says to her husband, “What you said to me last night in front of our company was humiliating. You have no idea, I’m guessing, how much that hurt me and pissed me off. If you ever do that again, I swear I may never forgive you.”
Her husband, if he’s really honest, might say, “You know what? I really don’t have any idea. I didn’t see, and still don’t, why what I said was that big a deal. I was trying to be funny. I didn’t think you’d take it so personally.”
This husband, we might say, lacks empathy. We don’t even need to know what he said that aroused his wife’s ire to surmise that, here, in this example, taken from a couples session I facilitated recently, he is demonstrating less than optimal empathy.
But he also added, sincerely, “I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I won’t do that again.”
His wife was only somewhat appeased by his apology because, while it expressed remorse, it didn’t reflect much, if any, empathy. And she wanted more than remorse. She wanted empathy.
I believe it is entirely possible, even common, to express remorse, sincerely, even in the absence of empathically appreciating the impact of the original behavior for which you are expressing the remorse. This is because, if you are not a sociopath, you can really feel bad for hurting someone even without quite understanding why what you did was so hurtful.
Now, in the example above, the partner chastised for his previous night’s insensitivity could have responded differently, reacting to his wife’s feedback with, “You know what? Too damned bad. So you felt hurt? Well”¦get over it.”
This would be a response not only lacking in empathy but also in remorse. As an isolated, occasionally defensive, hostile response, it wouldn’t necessarily suggest the presence of sociopathy; but as a patterned kind of remorseless reaction it may very well signal the presence of sociopathic tendencies.
In the vast majority of cases, the relatively non-empathic individual reacts with some form of true remorse upon learning he or she has been experienced as damaging, even if it comes as a real, confusing surprise to learn this. Again, the typical response might be along the lines of, “Really? I had no idea.” (reflecting defective empathy) “But I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” (reflecting remorse).
Where remorse is missing from acts that have been experienced as hurtful, we find ourselves in much more seriously disturbed territory. Sociopaths, of course, may feign remorse, although many times not. But feigned, shallow remorse—remorse that serves his self-interest, not yours—is worth less than no remorse.
A chronic theme of weak, or absent, remorse is thus much more indicative of the sociopathically oriented individual than the measure of his empathy. Oddly enough weak, or even sometimes missing, empathy, doesn’t necessarily preclude some form of meaningful connection with another (although it won’t be empathically-based).
But weak, or missing, remorse fatally does preclude such a connection, ensuring only the possibility of a damaging, exploitive experience.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaiors discussed.)
super chic
Is this about spaths or empaths?
I’m in a fog.
True-to-Self
Shabbychic,
I think what the author is trying to say is that at any given time all of us may be a little short on empathy. I was told by a therapist many years ago that I had too much empathy. I was one of those people that when someone got sick I thought I had it too. I was also the person in the neighborhood to take the cookies and casseroles to the neighbors at holidays and in other times of need.
After a lot of stress myself I started to shut down and didn’t really care. That does not mean I would wish them any harm, but I just didn’t feel like baking the cookies anymore.
My mother (Narcissistic Tendencies) doesn’t seem to have a lot of empathy as far as being able to see things from my point of view, but if she finally gets that I am really hurting she will come through for me in a practical way even though she doesn’t feel what I feel.
On the other hand, spaths can also have empathy. That doesn’t mean that they care. It just means that they can tell how we feel. That is why they are so good at “meeting our needs” in the beginning.
What they cannot do is be truly sorry for hurting us. My ex BF at a weak moment told me that after an AA meeting when he apologized to me and his best friend, you know the “making amends” speech, he told me that he knew he was supposed to say he was sorry to me and friend but just didn’t feel anything.
Usually he wasn’t that honest, or maybe that wasn’t even honest but it was an interesting comment.
True-to-Self
lesson learned
TTS.
Your post is a thought provoking one, as is this article. I’d like to give it some thought and comment on it further. I see where the arguments are…….
But with where I am in my process (early) my take on things I see here may well be inaccurate and lacking in appropriate perspective.
Great post TTS
LL
super chic
I think he is saying that if a person shows less remorse
than less empathy, he/she is more likely to be a spath.
I just think it is very confusing.
I thought spaths had no remorse and no empathy.
In fact I have read that over and over again on this website.
Maybe professionals like to debate which lack of emotion
is more prounced in a spath, or makes a person more spath like,
I’m not qualified to to join in this debate
and I don’t know if I could recognize these subtle differences
in people, nor do I care to, I just want to keep them
as far away from me as possible! Maybe they’re just bad dudes.
I feel a shut down coming on.
Am I a spath?
Ox Drover
Good article, Steve, and I think I agree with you on most of it. I ;think because psychopath is on a continuum rather than an “is or ain’t” basis, that it is possible for a “lower level” psychopath to have a tad of empathy or even a tad of remorse, or for them to be totally devoid of either of those emotions. They may have the rudiments of either I think, or possibly both to some SMALL degree, but as far as being effective relationship partners, I think there wouldn’t be much benefit in being involved with one intimately.
super chic
I totally agree with you Oxy.
Also, I don’t think a real sociopath can tell how we feel,
they are just play acting out something they saw on TV or
in a movie that they think will help them get the hook in.
I don’t want to obsess over labels, it’s too easy.
A true human predator has about as much empathy
as a T-Rex or a shark.
They study us, we tell them exactly what we want,
then they become that (i.e. the mirror).
But again I must stress that I am not qualified to make a diagnosis.
They are just bad dudes (what is the word for a female dude?)
Ox Drover
dude-ett I think. Or maybe dude-ette, or you might just say biatch! LOL
Virtuallllmom
I just wish it was easier to tell the difference. My daughter is so self serving that I would get excited thinking I had seen a sign of empathy, when upon reflection it was just mimicked for manipulation. Remorse? Well that would require thinking about it again after the fact. I can honestly look back and not have a single true example of either.
super chic
@ Oxy
“snort” as one/joy would say!
hahahahahahaaa (I’ve been called worse!) lol
Ox Drover
Virtuallmom,
I’ve not seen a single bit of remorse for anything my P-son has done, up to and including murder. Even if he gets caught, somehow he still feels like he “won’ against the authorities , I’m not sure how he gets his brain around that concept but he sure does.
Well, he just got turned down for parole again and can’t go back for another three years., but gives me 3 years more of breathing time, and lots of things can happen in that time.