Sometimes I like to revisit, churn all over again, a prior concern around sociopathy. A number of colleagues were recently stressing the defective quality of empathy in the more sociopathic clients they work with, while I found myself stressing the quality of remorselessness in the more sociopathic clients with whom I work (and have worked).
In my view, remorselessness is a much more serious indicator of sociopathy than lack of empathy per se. I know I’ve stated this in previous pieces, but well”¦here I go all over again.
Many people lack empathy for a great many reasons, depending on how one even defines empathy. But clearly this is true—many of us have a relatively difficult time emotionally stepping into another’s shoes and genuinely, emotionally inhabiting (as it were) his or her experience; that is, feeling their experience with them, for them.
I’d venture to say that a rather high percentage of the general population fails pretty badly at meeting this pretty classical criterion to be considered “empathic.” Of course, nothing is black and white: sometimes we find ourselves experiencing empathy in surprising circumstances, almost unaccountably; otherwise, sensing that empathy is clearly indicated in certain situations, we might find ourselves in suprisingly, uncomfortably short supplies of it?
And so the experience of pure empathy eludes many of us, perhaps even the majority of us, often”¦more often than we might even want to admit.
However, remorselessness is a whole different kettle of fish. A typical case involving a nonsociopath goes like this. One partner, a good communicator, says to her husband, “What you said to me last night in front of our company was humiliating. You have no idea, I’m guessing, how much that hurt me and pissed me off. If you ever do that again, I swear I may never forgive you.”
Her husband, if he’s really honest, might say, “You know what? I really don’t have any idea. I didn’t see, and still don’t, why what I said was that big a deal. I was trying to be funny. I didn’t think you’d take it so personally.”
This husband, we might say, lacks empathy. We don’t even need to know what he said that aroused his wife’s ire to surmise that, here, in this example, taken from a couples session I facilitated recently, he is demonstrating less than optimal empathy.
But he also added, sincerely, “I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I won’t do that again.”
His wife was only somewhat appeased by his apology because, while it expressed remorse, it didn’t reflect much, if any, empathy. And she wanted more than remorse. She wanted empathy.
I believe it is entirely possible, even common, to express remorse, sincerely, even in the absence of empathically appreciating the impact of the original behavior for which you are expressing the remorse. This is because, if you are not a sociopath, you can really feel bad for hurting someone even without quite understanding why what you did was so hurtful.
Now, in the example above, the partner chastised for his previous night’s insensitivity could have responded differently, reacting to his wife’s feedback with, “You know what? Too damned bad. So you felt hurt? Well”¦get over it.”
This would be a response not only lacking in empathy but also in remorse. As an isolated, occasionally defensive, hostile response, it wouldn’t necessarily suggest the presence of sociopathy; but as a patterned kind of remorseless reaction it may very well signal the presence of sociopathic tendencies.
In the vast majority of cases, the relatively non-empathic individual reacts with some form of true remorse upon learning he or she has been experienced as damaging, even if it comes as a real, confusing surprise to learn this. Again, the typical response might be along the lines of, “Really? I had no idea.” (reflecting defective empathy) “But I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” (reflecting remorse).
Where remorse is missing from acts that have been experienced as hurtful, we find ourselves in much more seriously disturbed territory. Sociopaths, of course, may feign remorse, although many times not. But feigned, shallow remorse—remorse that serves his self-interest, not yours—is worth less than no remorse.
A chronic theme of weak, or absent, remorse is thus much more indicative of the sociopathically oriented individual than the measure of his empathy. Oddly enough weak, or even sometimes missing, empathy, doesn’t necessarily preclude some form of meaningful connection with another (although it won’t be empathically-based).
But weak, or missing, remorse fatally does preclude such a connection, ensuring only the possibility of a damaging, exploitive experience.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaiors discussed.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yep!
aussiegirl
Henry, what you wisely say is true BUT if we all join forces, together we are many and can TAKE THEM DOWN!!!!!
(Can you just imagine an army of LFers, marching on them one at a time and just stomping right over the top of them? I can 🙂 I believe it would qualify as a community service!)
(Our doggies could also come along, just to mix it up a little)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i think EB’s bear might wanna come too!
justdreamin
Hi everyone, I’m soliciting advice tonight… A friend of the family, an 18-year-old girl my daughter’s age, has been totally engulfed by a spath in the past few months. I don’t know this girl extremely well, but have always thought a lot of her. She is sweet, trusting, helpful, generous, considerate.
This slightly older guy came into her life, swept her off her feet, and within days she had moved out of her parents’ home and was living with him. It is a very typical spath romance. I haven’t met the guy, but he has done the classic things – isolating her from her parents, keeping her in another town, lying to her, breaking promises, etc. She has hinted at physical violence. She had a promising future as a teacher but has dropped out of college to be with him and work full time.
I think she knows she is addicted to him. She has tried twice to move back to her parents’ home, but she gets overwhelmed with the withdrawal. She says she is going crazy thinking about him, all the symptoms we can relate to. She says she can’t eat or sleep, had a panic attack from missing him so bad, and she said, “To me that’s true love.”
Well the emergency is this: she left him two days ago, and I told her I was thrilled, gave her lots of encouragement, etc. Now she wants to go back. Thankfully she is delayed in doing that because of the ice storm. I would like to do something to help her see this situation in reality, but I probably only have one chance to talk to her before she cuts off contact from me. She has been deleting from Facebook all her friends and family that are against the relationship.
What can I say in a simple way to help her understand that she is addicted? What kind of help can I offer? I would direct her to this website, but it is a lot to take in quickly. I’m hoping to give her concrete advice, not just a generic “I’m always here for you.” Any ideas?
Thanks!!!
hens
AussieGirl My little weiner doggies can be vicious, look out liar
s here come’s the weiner brigade…!!
Justdeamin – I think your friend is going to get her life lesson the same way we all did..the hard way..bless her heart – and yours too for tryin to help her…love is blind..yuk..
Ox Drover
Dear Justdreamin,
The shortest and most complete list of “what is a psychopath” I think is on here under the link at the top “what is a sociopath”? print that off and talk to her and give her a copy of it.
I am not sure that anything you say to her is going to help her break the cycle of abuse and addiction….I wish you luck and my prayers are for her eyes to open. It is difficult to sit by and watch someone you care about be “taken in” but unfortunately there’s not a lot we can do many times. Thank you for caring for her.
justdreamin
Dances and Oxy,
Thanks for answering… You are right, of course there is not a simple answer. The dynamics of the abuse/addiction cycle are hard to understand even when you have lived through it yourself. I just feel desperate because who knows if I will ever see her again once she goes back. I wanted to say something that would stick with her.
Her poor mother is beside herself. The parents weren’t perfect but have raised this girl the best they could, and she was really doing well and starting to shine, until now.
Thanks again, I’m off now to do the best I can… xoxo
aussiegirl
justdreamin –
“Now she wants to go back. Thankfully she is delayed in doing that because of the ice storm. …I probably only have one chance to talk to her before she cuts off contact from me… I would direct her to this website, but it is a lot to take in quickly. I’m hoping to give her concrete advice, not just a generic “I’m always here for you.” Any ideas? ”
Stick with the first one you had – to direct her to this site.
Don’t try to second-guess whether it might be too much for her to take in.
Hand her a piece of paper with the address written on it and say something like, ” — I know that you are feeling really pressured right now, so I have no intention of adding to that pressure. I have always liked you and would hate to see you hurt. I am giving you this web address because whether or not your relationship is a good one or a bad one for you, no knowledge is ever wasted, right? There is some great information there about handling all sorts of relationship issues – including opposition from family and friends.” And just leave it at that, with no pressure.
That way, even if she does not escape THIS time, she will recognise the signs more quickly the next time – and more importantly – have a place to go for answers and support, even if physically she is still cut off from family and friends.
Even if she throws the piece of paper out, she is likely to remember the name.
And you never know – she just might come looking and finding out before she gets back to him; there is a slim chance that it could work right now. If not, it’s there for when she DOES need it later – and we all KNOW that she WILL need it.
justdreamin
Thanks aussiegirl, I just talked to her mom. The girl is deleting people from FB I think because she is embarrassed to be going straight back to him. She had just admitted to her parents that he was abusive and she wanted to leave him, but after two days she can’t keep away from him. It’s a clear cut addition.
Her mom said she is already gone with him tonight, I am too late to talk her into not going back. She was begging anyone and everyone for a ride back to his town, finally he came and got her during the ice storm. He sped out of the parking lot on the ice, sliding everywhere. The poor girl.
I am going to wait a couple days to talk to her through FB or texting, and I do think I will mention this site. The next round of abuse will only get worse, and she may be looking for help then, when she is wanting out, not being pulled back in.
petite
Hi Libelle,
followed your advice, all emails deleted, and also deleted from the delete folder.
removed other triggers also, like small things I bought while travelling with him, all packed and put into a litle case that I pushed at the end of the top shelf of the wardrobe, so I do not see them everyday eg. on my study table etc etc.
trying hard, want to heal the wounds, as Oxy said – it takes time, I have to nurture and grow the new me inside me, just like it takes several months ofr a fetus to grow.
I will come out new and strong with help from you and all others here.
thanks Libelle.
petitie