Sometimes I like to revisit, churn all over again, a prior concern around sociopathy. A number of colleagues were recently stressing the defective quality of empathy in the more sociopathic clients they work with, while I found myself stressing the quality of remorselessness in the more sociopathic clients with whom I work (and have worked).
In my view, remorselessness is a much more serious indicator of sociopathy than lack of empathy per se. I know I’ve stated this in previous pieces, but well”¦here I go all over again.
Many people lack empathy for a great many reasons, depending on how one even defines empathy. But clearly this is true—many of us have a relatively difficult time emotionally stepping into another’s shoes and genuinely, emotionally inhabiting (as it were) his or her experience; that is, feeling their experience with them, for them.
I’d venture to say that a rather high percentage of the general population fails pretty badly at meeting this pretty classical criterion to be considered “empathic.” Of course, nothing is black and white: sometimes we find ourselves experiencing empathy in surprising circumstances, almost unaccountably; otherwise, sensing that empathy is clearly indicated in certain situations, we might find ourselves in suprisingly, uncomfortably short supplies of it?
And so the experience of pure empathy eludes many of us, perhaps even the majority of us, often”¦more often than we might even want to admit.
However, remorselessness is a whole different kettle of fish. A typical case involving a nonsociopath goes like this. One partner, a good communicator, says to her husband, “What you said to me last night in front of our company was humiliating. You have no idea, I’m guessing, how much that hurt me and pissed me off. If you ever do that again, I swear I may never forgive you.”
Her husband, if he’s really honest, might say, “You know what? I really don’t have any idea. I didn’t see, and still don’t, why what I said was that big a deal. I was trying to be funny. I didn’t think you’d take it so personally.”
This husband, we might say, lacks empathy. We don’t even need to know what he said that aroused his wife’s ire to surmise that, here, in this example, taken from a couples session I facilitated recently, he is demonstrating less than optimal empathy.
But he also added, sincerely, “I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I won’t do that again.”
His wife was only somewhat appeased by his apology because, while it expressed remorse, it didn’t reflect much, if any, empathy. And she wanted more than remorse. She wanted empathy.
I believe it is entirely possible, even common, to express remorse, sincerely, even in the absence of empathically appreciating the impact of the original behavior for which you are expressing the remorse. This is because, if you are not a sociopath, you can really feel bad for hurting someone even without quite understanding why what you did was so hurtful.
Now, in the example above, the partner chastised for his previous night’s insensitivity could have responded differently, reacting to his wife’s feedback with, “You know what? Too damned bad. So you felt hurt? Well”¦get over it.”
This would be a response not only lacking in empathy but also in remorse. As an isolated, occasionally defensive, hostile response, it wouldn’t necessarily suggest the presence of sociopathy; but as a patterned kind of remorseless reaction it may very well signal the presence of sociopathic tendencies.
In the vast majority of cases, the relatively non-empathic individual reacts with some form of true remorse upon learning he or she has been experienced as damaging, even if it comes as a real, confusing surprise to learn this. Again, the typical response might be along the lines of, “Really? I had no idea.” (reflecting defective empathy) “But I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” (reflecting remorse).
Where remorse is missing from acts that have been experienced as hurtful, we find ourselves in much more seriously disturbed territory. Sociopaths, of course, may feign remorse, although many times not. But feigned, shallow remorse—remorse that serves his self-interest, not yours—is worth less than no remorse.
A chronic theme of weak, or absent, remorse is thus much more indicative of the sociopathically oriented individual than the measure of his empathy. Oddly enough weak, or even sometimes missing, empathy, doesn’t necessarily preclude some form of meaningful connection with another (although it won’t be empathically-based).
But weak, or missing, remorse fatally does preclude such a connection, ensuring only the possibility of a damaging, exploitive experience.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaiors discussed.)
Dear Trueto self,
Oh, darling, he KNEW WHICH BUTTONS TO PUSH, he said the word that he KNEW WOULD HURT YOU THE MOST…..he tore up that particular book (Your dad’s bible) because he knew you treasured it. He wasn’t psychotic, he was very STUDIED, and KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING. “Apologizing???” LOL ROTFLMAO CHOKE SNORT SNARF Not even close to a heart felt apology.
If YOU were concerned with your weight that is what he would push the button on….and if YOU loved that book because it was your dads’ that is the One he would TARGET.
Remorse? NOT ONE BIT OF REMORSE for what he said or did. Hurt you as much as possible.
krbrown2;
“Observe their *actions.* I’m not talking about sending flowers and cards. I’m talking about how they INTERACT with you.”
This is my best advice, especially when meeting a new person. All sociopaths are hiding something and usually many things. Thus, as we inadvertently come close to “unmasking” them, they respond viserally. Its not always violent or abusive, but you will do or say something you think is relatively harmless and their response leaves you thinking “WTF.”
krbrown2
EXACTLY. Could not have simplified it better or more accurately.
LL
I am posting this here, because it seems like as good a spot as any. MANY coming out of a relationship with a sociopath, decide to try the online dating scene. Donna is a great example of this. I thought you might find the following amusing.
Hi,
I’m intelligent, witty, loyal, capable, kind, generous, attractive, a great cook and in great shape. I’m looking for the man of my dreams. If the following description sounds like you, please email me so we can talk.
You are too good to be true. A real charmer. Someone who will keep your word to me in the beginning, but will always seem to have holes in your story, which I will disregard.
You need to text me often and constantly flatter me and act like you can’t WAIT to see me again. You will call several times a day and you will be very quick to seduce me.
You will always be very protective of your cell phone and always take it with you when you go to the bathroom when we are out at restaurants. You will make sure to have times that you are unaccounted for, which you will not care to explain to me. When asked about your disappearances, it’s very important that you be somewhat aggressive and make me feel needy and guilty for asking.
I will do everything for for you. Your happiness will be my number one priority. We will have amazing sex, but it’s important you are also having sex with other woman and that I have no idea about it. You need to get me to trust you.
You must tell me a sob story in the very beginning, making sure to shed tears, so I think you have depth and you are sensitive. You need to make me feel sorry for you. If you do this, I promise to be very nurturing.
Once you believe I’m in love with you, you need to begin to be unkind to me. Hurtful even. You will begin to occupy ALL of my time and isolate me, so I no longer really see anyone but you.
At some point, you will need get sloppy about the secret world you run behind my back and leave things around that I will stumble upon. When I ask you about the text that came in when I borrowed your phone for a second because my battery was dead, you’ll lie and tell me it’s a “buddy” and I’m just being jealous. Then you need to tell me how much you hate that about me. You need to get me to think that I’m jealous and needy, so I learn not to bring up things that don’t seem to make sense.
You also need to convince me I’m crazy, so I doubt my own senses and after some time, I won’t be able to trust my instincts. In fact, I will have not real intuition anymore, because you have managed to throw me so off balance, I won’t trust my thinking one bit.
You need to be financially irresponsible and never be willing to talk to me about putting together a financial plan. And you will NEVER think to do little thing for me, to show me you love me.
Then you’ll need to accidently leave your email open on the computer and allow me to discover the countless emails you are sending to MORE than one woman. Be SURE you tell them all the exact same lines you use on me and it’s important you take the pet name that I gave you and call THEM by that name. Be sure the emails are full of saying “I love you” and deny that I am in your life when they are questioning you. Just say I’m some stalker and they need to watch out for me, because I’m crazy and I could land on their doorstep telling lies.
When you finally get caught red-handed, you will cry and tell me how sorry you are and how I’m the only person you love and that you’ll do anything to work it out. I will promise to believe you and put everything in the past and put my best foot forward. You will then return to being the charming guy you were when I met you, but don’t do it for too long because it’s important I don’t feel happy for longer than a few weeks. My system simply won’t be able to handle the shock.
Again, go back to telling me I’m jealous and crazy and make sure you continue to screw anything that moves when you get the chance. Then come home to me, crawl in bed and come on to me. It would be good if you washed your dick between sticking it in someone else and me, but since I may not notice that all you did was wipe off with a towel, you don’t need to fuss about this much.
When I finally can’t stand how miserable I am, be sure to jump ship ahead of me and move right in with one of the woman you’ve been carrying on with, so I’m consumed with thoughts of how you are with “her” and I convince myself of how happy you are and how happy she must be. This will enhance my deep loneliness and hurt me more than you already have.
Every now and then, send me a text, or an email acting like nothing happened and see if I fall for it.
Finally, leave my life in ruin, with no career, no money and no home, so I have to rebuild my life from NOTHING. It’s important you do this when I’m in my 40s, so that I worry about my age and how hard it will be to find someone to love. But the most important thing is that you leave me addicted to you, so that I actually miss you and think that your love (which never existed) was the greatest love of my life.
If this sounds good to you, let’s meet up at Starbucks and see if we are a match.
Hey, Soul! Great place to post that! Soooooo true! I think several of us have done that, though my X-BF-P was a real life meet, in fact, I had casually known him for about 10 years before we started going out. It describes our relationshit though. LOL
SHMS, what a scream! so perfect, I was crazy, sane now!
that reminds me… where is
i’mnotcrazee?
Stillhavemysoul-so much of that add reminds me of the ex
SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Effing HILARIOUS! AND SO ACCURATE. I TOTALLY love it! If I could get away with putting up a fake profile on a site and posting that I totally would LOL!!!
You’re hysterical. I absolutely love this!! It’s gotta go out for print LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LL
Dear Ox Drover
I have been suscribed to Lovefraud for close to 6 years now after an experience with a text book Sociopath. Fraud, no conscience, no empathy etc… However I am a little annoyed about your comment a few blogs back comparing “Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy. I am also 1.5 years into a counseling degree. Bordeline Personality Disorder and NSP disorders are not even close. I speak from experience as I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have been adopted twice (because my first adoptive mother died of cancer). I left home at 14 as my second lot of adoptive parents my father was an abusive alcoholic. I have suffered depression my whole life my first suicide attempt at 14. No it was not to gain sympathy I have low self esteem and real NOT imaginery fear of abandonment.
Secondly I have a very high values, motal and ethics. So highin fact that it interferes with living my life. For this I am seeing a psychologist due to the fact I can not cope with people who can not follow rules and instructions. Due to Borderline Personality Disorder I see people as only good or evil unfortunately there is little in between. Something I am also working on however I beleive the world shoud be a ‘just’ place and every one should be kind and help each other (perhaps a dillusional thought unfortunately according to my psychologist)
Empathy… I am a single mum of 2 kids, I struggle at times myself however I am always first up to help the underdog that has been let done or mistreated by others or the system.
Conscience and remorse… my conscience and remorse has led me to suicide attempts simply because I feel like I am a bd person when i emotionally hurt other people.
So in actual fact for all of you Borderline Personality Disorder is nothing like a NPS disorder.
I am really disappointed and hurt in the comparison made.
Soul,
Pure Genious!!!
Excellent.