Sometimes I like to revisit, churn all over again, a prior concern around sociopathy. A number of colleagues were recently stressing the defective quality of empathy in the more sociopathic clients they work with, while I found myself stressing the quality of remorselessness in the more sociopathic clients with whom I work (and have worked).
In my view, remorselessness is a much more serious indicator of sociopathy than lack of empathy per se. I know I’ve stated this in previous pieces, but well”¦here I go all over again.
Many people lack empathy for a great many reasons, depending on how one even defines empathy. But clearly this is true—many of us have a relatively difficult time emotionally stepping into another’s shoes and genuinely, emotionally inhabiting (as it were) his or her experience; that is, feeling their experience with them, for them.
I’d venture to say that a rather high percentage of the general population fails pretty badly at meeting this pretty classical criterion to be considered “empathic.” Of course, nothing is black and white: sometimes we find ourselves experiencing empathy in surprising circumstances, almost unaccountably; otherwise, sensing that empathy is clearly indicated in certain situations, we might find ourselves in suprisingly, uncomfortably short supplies of it?
And so the experience of pure empathy eludes many of us, perhaps even the majority of us, often”¦more often than we might even want to admit.
However, remorselessness is a whole different kettle of fish. A typical case involving a nonsociopath goes like this. One partner, a good communicator, says to her husband, “What you said to me last night in front of our company was humiliating. You have no idea, I’m guessing, how much that hurt me and pissed me off. If you ever do that again, I swear I may never forgive you.”
Her husband, if he’s really honest, might say, “You know what? I really don’t have any idea. I didn’t see, and still don’t, why what I said was that big a deal. I was trying to be funny. I didn’t think you’d take it so personally.”
This husband, we might say, lacks empathy. We don’t even need to know what he said that aroused his wife’s ire to surmise that, here, in this example, taken from a couples session I facilitated recently, he is demonstrating less than optimal empathy.
But he also added, sincerely, “I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I won’t do that again.”
His wife was only somewhat appeased by his apology because, while it expressed remorse, it didn’t reflect much, if any, empathy. And she wanted more than remorse. She wanted empathy.
I believe it is entirely possible, even common, to express remorse, sincerely, even in the absence of empathically appreciating the impact of the original behavior for which you are expressing the remorse. This is because, if you are not a sociopath, you can really feel bad for hurting someone even without quite understanding why what you did was so hurtful.
Now, in the example above, the partner chastised for his previous night’s insensitivity could have responded differently, reacting to his wife’s feedback with, “You know what? Too damned bad. So you felt hurt? Well”¦get over it.”
This would be a response not only lacking in empathy but also in remorse. As an isolated, occasionally defensive, hostile response, it wouldn’t necessarily suggest the presence of sociopathy; but as a patterned kind of remorseless reaction it may very well signal the presence of sociopathic tendencies.
In the vast majority of cases, the relatively non-empathic individual reacts with some form of true remorse upon learning he or she has been experienced as damaging, even if it comes as a real, confusing surprise to learn this. Again, the typical response might be along the lines of, “Really? I had no idea.” (reflecting defective empathy) “But I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” (reflecting remorse).
Where remorse is missing from acts that have been experienced as hurtful, we find ourselves in much more seriously disturbed territory. Sociopaths, of course, may feign remorse, although many times not. But feigned, shallow remorse—remorse that serves his self-interest, not yours—is worth less than no remorse.
A chronic theme of weak, or absent, remorse is thus much more indicative of the sociopathically oriented individual than the measure of his empathy. Oddly enough weak, or even sometimes missing, empathy, doesn’t necessarily preclude some form of meaningful connection with another (although it won’t be empathically-based).
But weak, or missing, remorse fatally does preclude such a connection, ensuring only the possibility of a damaging, exploitive experience.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake only, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaiors discussed.)
lesson learned
(((((((((((((( Petitie ))))))))))))))))))
I hesitate to post to you right now because I’ve hit a very angry stage at the moment,
But I just want you to know, that you are SO STRONG…you made it through the conference beautifully, even knowing what he is/was, faced with having to see him etc. Now it’s just the grieving part, sweetheart and you’re stronger than you think, braver than you know…
eventually, Petitie, he would have set you up for misery. You said, “He wanted me to continue with him, forget his inconsistencies and give ourselves a chance”. Yep. So spathy, Petite. They want you to overlook the obvious of their behaviors and march on as if nothing is wrong. You’re too intelligent to do that.
I’m so proud of you really. You can do this. I hate to constantly and consistently remind you petitie, but after having been in a similar situation for ten years, it’s so not worth the pain that would inevitably be. Trust me on that. You just have to trust that what we are all saying is the truth, but more so believe in yourself. You know what’s true. Just believe it, while also grieving the loss.
Good awaits you, Petitie, because you’ve done this.
LL
agreenbean
petite
the therapist i am seeing suggested that our brains process lists differently than narrative, that it makes things more concrete. so i made lists
the ways he played a victim so i’d feel pity
the good things that happened/were said
the bad things that happened/were said
there are 27 things on the good list. on the bad, 73.
so i dont know if my brain processed the lists any differently. sometimes those facts makes me cry, mourn more. and sometimes it makes me feel ashamed i didnt realize how bad it was when it was happening. sometimes i feel guilty for even making the lists or seeking help to recover from my experience with this person. but i think those are all “normal” reactions at least…
but i try to keep that staggering difference in mind at least when i feel like you and i seem to be feeling. maybe something like that would be cathartic or helpful for you too?
Ox Drover
Dear Petite,
I’m glad that you are strong enough not to back slide…and I know it does hurt because you want to believe that He “could change.” We all wanted to believe that….but when someone is DIShonest with the mother of his children, he is not going to be honest with you. He made excuses of why he cheated, but he never told her until he got caught because he gave her an STD and he HAD to tell her then. Even after all the therapy he went to with her, it was still all about how she had “repaid him” by cheating on him, so therefore I guess he thinks that made it okay….or they were even.
The bottom line is that he lied to her, he will (and probably has been) lying to you, because in the end it is all about what HE wants, not about his obligations to keep his word.
Your heart is so tender and you would not lie to or hurt others, but not everyone is that way. I know that you know that intellectually, but I don’t think you really know that emotionally. ((((hugs))))
He devalued his wife—made her less than desirable, so he thought that excused how he cheated on her. Now he has discarded her. He would have eventually done the same to you. I am sure that when he first courted her she was “wonderful” but then, she became devalued in his eyes…if he would treat the mother of his children that way, he would (and will) treat the next woman or women in his life that way as well.
petite
thanks LL and Oxy,
LL why are you so angry.
there you are angry, here I am in grief and there is Oxy trying to help us with her wisdom.
we keep spiralling up and down in our thoughts.
I know there would be misery with him and LL you said it right – this is exactly how it was – “They want you to overlook the obvious of their behaviors and march on as if nothing is wrong.” and when we bring it up again, they say they cannot remember what excatly happened at that time.
thanks greenbean, keeping a list makes sense, maybe in some way I am trying to keep myself from making the list as I fear the bad will outweigh the good and we want the good so much.
Oxy – this is so correct and important for me to hear at this stage – He will do just as HE wants and that is most important to him than keep up to the obligation of keeping his word.
petite
petite
Oxy – are you there, I am trying to call you.
petite
Ox Drover
I’ll check my phone and see if it is needing a charge.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
petite – they stay involved with us as long as they are able to steal what they want from us – anything we give them is stolen, as it is all given under false pretenses. sometimes the devalue and discard takes years to show. but it always does. asking you to ‘forget his inconsistencies’ is devaluing you. and the only chance he wanted to give, was a chance to continue to steal your love.
lesson learned
Petititie
As oxy says, “you dodged a bullet”
Believe it!
LL
KatyDid
Petite,
Sticking my 2 cents in, but you are on the perfect title.
“lack of remorse” which goes together with NO accountability. By asking you to forget his inconsistencies, what he is really saying is that he has NO remorse so he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his behaviors. That means, no matter what he does, there is no explanations b/c that’s ‘just how he is”. If he could feel remorse, he’d WANT to mend things with explanations b/c he’d CARE (empathy) how you felt (or his wife or his kids felt.)
But he doesn’t care so he wants you to accept being treated with no regard, but please carry on so he gets his goodies. What a jerk. Just that attitude revealed his spathyness.
So sorry for your heartache, but letting go of the jerk makes you available for a worthy guy.
petite
Thanks Katy, LL and Onejoy,
so nice to hear from you Katy. I did my best, thanks to the help and advice from all of you.
Onejoy – Katy said “he doesn’t care so he wants you to accept being treated with no regard”
so treating someone with no regard is equal to devaluing them – is my thinking right.
I am so numb to it all now , as I still grieving his loss.
thanks so much, please do send me more advice that can help me to get stronger and not ache and ache for having said no to him.
petitie