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Learning To Trust Again

Well — what a week it’s been! Last Wednesday I received the all-clear from my biopsy, and what a massive relief it was”¦ So massive that I hadn’t fully understood how much I had been stressing over the whole episode. Yes, I know, it’s only natural to feel anxious over the potential of discovering a life-threatening illness, but I hadn’t appreciated just how much I’d been holding in, boxing off, pushing away so that I could deal with life on a day-to-day basis.

It took a good couple of days for the good news to sink in, and since then I’ve felt more ”˜alive’ and full of beans than I have done for a long time. It’s only now that I’m feeling lighter and brighter, that I realize just how tense and low I had allowed myself to become. I guess there’s a whole lot of truth in that old sayings “we don’t know what we don’t know” — and let me tell you, now that I do know how much better I’m feeling, I am ready to grasp life with both hands. I’m enjoying a newfound and sense of liberty and excitement, and I notice that I have a huge smile most of the time now — inside and out. I also have a new level of calmness and confidence that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.

Minor Irritations

Funnily enough, I’m also experiencing a number of ”˜hiccups’ that I’m finding quite irritating — businesses closing just when I need to make an appointment, people not returning calls, my car breaking down, electrical equipment playing up. In previous times, I would likely have reacted one of two ways. Either I would have let it wash over me as if nothing had happened, or perhaps I would have scrunched up my face and clenched my teeth — but still not let anything ”˜bad’ escape my lips. Now though, and this last week in particular, I have certainly been expressing my frustrations! I don’t think I’ve ever really done that before — well, certainly not in the way I have been cussing and stamping my feet over recent days. And you know what? It’s actually been feeling pretty darned good!

Previously, you see, I’d learned and believed that the more I chose to focus on something, the more I would bring similar experiences in to my life. The fact is I still believe that to be true. What I believe I hadn’t fully appreciated in the process before though, was that I can still focus on the ”˜good stuff’ while also honoring very real sensations of irritation or frustration. Instead of doing that, however, I’d succeeded in pushing aside anything and everything that I’d deemed remotely ”˜negative’ within my experience, which simply resulted in me ignoring myself. In doing so, I believe I also succeeded in shutting down my own intuition. After all, if I wasn’t respecting the niggling feelings because I’d judged them to be in some way harmful, then surely it stands to reason that I’d been equally incapable of accepting the good emotions as well”¦?

Thoughts Create Experiences

So here’s the irony. Many years ago I studied and worked as a Louise Hay trainer, where the whole ethos is all about loving and accepting ourselves — exactly as we already are. It’s also about the notion that thoughts become things. That changing our thinking radically changes our experiences and, therefore, our lives. That negative or unconstructive thoughts will naturally create negative experiences — right? Yes, all of that makes sense (and I still hold true to that perception of the world) and yet at the same time I was consciously choosing my thoughts, I now believe that I was subconsciously squashing myself. Despite myself, therefore, I had been living against the principal of loving myself — exactly as I already am!

How on earth could I trust my intuition if I couldn’t acknowledge and accept every response and emotion that was true for me? How on earth could I expect myself to know — to truly know — the difference between what was good or bad for me, if I steadfastly ignored the signs to say that something is wrong?  Yes, I could (and still can) choose my thoughts and create a more positive reality for myself — but in the process I couldn’t possibly fully know and accept myself within that positive reality.

Bottom line is, I wasn’t trusting myself. At least, that’s the way I see it now.

Now I’m really learning to trust myself — more so than ever before. And for me, that means allowing myself to feel, accept and express all manner of emotions. While I’m sure it may sometimes mean that a few of my responses may appear to be a little heavy handed while I get used to acknowledging the annoyances, I do believe that with practice I’ll find a level ground. And I also believe, that as I continue to recognize these little (or large) frustrations and express them honestly, that I’ll have less and less need for nuisances in my life. By which I mean, that the more I accept these ”˜not so positive’ emotions as they arise — without judgment, labels or blame — then surely the more and more I am trusting and accepting myself?

Surely that therefore means that I can expect — and accept — an even more fulfilling life than I am currently enjoying”¦?

So, I am grateful for all the annoyances that have been showing themselves this week. And, rather than think that perhaps my thinking is somehow flawed for such things to be turning up in my life, I’m choosing instead to know that these are all more opportunities to express myself with more authenticity.

I guess the one thing to be aware of, though, is to make sure I don’t start enjoying showing my fierce or annoyed self too much — otherwise I could turn in to a perpetually grouchy person! Note to self — frowning will create a whole new batch of wrinkles. Much better to just make sure the smiley lines become more deeply engrained 🙂



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120 Comments on "Learning To Trust Again"

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Mel,

Thank you for this article. You bring up a really important point about how our internal realities affect the external circumstances of our lives.

The “Thoughts are things” concept is related to the “Law of Attraction.” Many people think that the Law of Attraction is New Age mumbo jumbo. Or, some people have tried thinking positive thoughts, and still had negative experiences show up in their lives, so conclude that the Law of Attraction is bogus.

Personally, I think the Law of Attraction is real, but the explanation of how it works has been oversimplified. At least, this is what I discovered through my own experience with the sociopath.

It’s not precisely our thoughts that attract experiences into our lives. It’s our internal energy – and sometimes we may not be aware of exactly what type of energy we are carrying around.

Here’s a classic example: Suppose I am thinking positive thoughts about career success. I’m even saying affirmations every day, like Law of Attraction gurus advocate. But nothing happens. I don’t get the project that I want, or a promotion, or a new job.

The problem may be that even though I’m THINKING positive thoughts, I don’t FEEL like it’s possible for them to become reality. My internal ENERGY is not that of success, but perhaps apprehension, or even despair.

The point is, even if we stuff our feelings, the feelings are still there, affecting our energy.

That’s why being authentic is so important, even about little annoyances. If you release the negative energy that the annoyances cause, you make room for positive energy created by your positive thoughts.

So we are responsible for what the Ps have done to us because we put that energy out or thought negative thoughts?

This is not meant to be a “blame the victim” concept. However, sometimes there are deeper reasons for our experiences, reasons that we may not be consciously aware of.

This is the main lesson that I learned in my experience with my sociopathic ex-husband. My soul did attract the experience, because it wanted to break the karma with him, fully and completely. Which is exactly what I did.

For me, it was healing to realize that there was a reason for the experience – I wasn’t simply too stupid to see what was going on. I was following my life plan, which was to get rid of him, once and for all, and then help other people recognize and recover from these predators.

I discussed these ideas in a post that I wrote a few years ago:

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/10/08/the-law-of-attraction-and-sociopaths/

It is more fully explained in my first book, Love Fraud.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/books/love-fraud-by-donna-andersen/

I would say what we run on are beliefs which are decisions we make about ourselves, others and the world around us, that we hold to be universally true.. A belief is coded as a picture with a statement and an emotional hook. The problem we face is most of our beliefs where created not by a wise individual but when we were a child. It’s not about blame but responsibility. We developed these beliefs without the needed understanding. My mother didn’t love me therefore “I’m unlovable.” What is closer to the truth would be that my mother didn’t have the ability to love but that doesn’t mean “I’m unlovable.” Having the belief that one is “unlovable” is like having a jar with the lid tightly screwed on and trying to fill it up added with the compulsion/need to have it full. Going from one person to the next searching for someone to fill it. And without letting others know that we are not perfect because if we’re not perfect then we can’t be loved.

Beliefs can be based in truth or lies. They can be limiting/negative/enabling/fixed mindset “I’m worthless” to expanding/enhancing/empowering/growth mindset “I can learn from my mistakes.” And not to mention that we have beliefs running in the background we don’t even know are there.

The problem with reality is that it is an event plus the meaning we give the event. The meaning comes from our beliefs. Happiness is a mindset/beliefs which we put on events. That’s why if we have to move one inch to be happy we never will. In other words happiness is how we choose to see life.

We are not broken what we do, we do well. It’s the why [limiting beliefs] that we need to look at and what we want.

This guy says it better then me. Also another guy would be Morty Lefkoe.
http://www.neurosemantics.com/meta-states/the-magical-nature-of-beliefs

http://mindsetonline.com/
This lady does a very good job explaining fixed mindset and growth mindset.

“MINDSET – The New Psychology of Success” by CAROL S. DWECK, PH.D
It’s not just on intellectual tasks that people have to make these choices. People also have to decide what kinds of relationships they want: ones that bolster their egos or ones that challenge them to grow? Who is your ideal mate? We put this question to young adults, and here’s what they told us.

People with the fixed mindset said the ideal mate would:

Put them on a pedestal. Make them feel perfect. Worship them.

In other words, the perfect mate would enshrine their fixed qualities. My husband says that he used to feel this way, that he wanted to be the god of a one-person (his partner’s) religion. Fortunately, he chucked this idea before he met me.

People with the growth mindset hoped for a different kind of partner. They said their ideal mate was someone who would:

See their faults and help them to work on them. Challenge them to become a better person. Encourage them to learn new things.

Certainly, they didn’t want people who would pick on them or undermine their self-esteem, but they did want people who would foster their development. They didn’t assume they were fully evolved, flawless beings who had nothing more to learn.

http://alexvermeer.com/15-benefits-growth-mindset/

Mel, another superb article. Sharing your steps in your healing processes with brute honesty is precisely what I am in dire need of, right now.

The “Laws Of Attraction” apply in a peripheral sense, but also in a very core aspect, I believe. I WANTED to be accepted. I WANTED to be approved of. I WANTED all of the things that my damaged “inner child” never received, so I allowed – yes, that’s the word and I typed it – ALLOWED myself to base my decisions upon my feelings.

My feelings are not facts, as my counseling therapist was fond of reminding me. And, it’s true. My feelings were that I somehow did not deserve anything better than abuse and neglect. So, I got what I believed I was worthy of.

Donna and Spoon, thank you for the clarifications. It is vital that we, as survivors of sociopathy in whatever form was manifested, realize that we never SOUGHT to be punished and damaged by these people. But, for whatever reason, spaths are very, very adept at honing in on whatever issues their “source targets” face and have yet to resolve – they USE those issues to their advantages and, in turn, this creates an even greater set of issues for the victims.

Wonderful article, Mel, and I’m so grateful for your clean bill of health!!!

Truthspeak

Emotions are the spice we add to life. We hook them to beliefs. We think in either emotions or intellectually. The problem is the stronger the emotion the harder it is to override it with our intellect. It is safe to say that emotions trumps intellect. The reasoning is that the event goes through our emotion region of the brain before it gets to the rational or intellectual part of the brain. And once the emotional state is triggered it can be very difficult to over come it. Say when someone looks at us with a look that we have been per-programed to feel bad about. You know the one where you feel real small. The problem isn’t what the person did because who are they, it’s the per-programed belief. That’s why emotional IQ is in some ways more important then the regular IQ.

THE POWER OF EMOTIONS
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipe…..00592.html

And Empowerment Series #9 ”“ THE POWER OF DISCIPLINE which is referenced in the first link.
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipe…..00582.html

The psycho uses the limiting beliefs we have against us. He/she/it exposed our weakness. In away it’s like stepping in front of an 18 wheeler. It doesn’t care what we feel. It’s going to smash us. The psycho is there to get it’s needs met. But without these weakness for the psycho to exploit he/she/it will just move on to their next target. Because we will have the emotions that we have been slimmed, that kick to tell us to walk away very fast. At least in most cases.

When I get around a psycho and they start parroting back what I’ve said with a twist and trying to get me to agree with what they just said. The hair on my neck starts to stand. It’s simple what is happening they are using social niceties against us. They are smiling and telling us how smart we are but then they twist what we say and knowing that social niceties dictate that we play nice. We normally agree with them and play along. I say no that’s not what I said and no I don’t agree. The psycho starts getting agitated and they don’t stay long.

spoon: thanks for the post to Truthspeak…

Yes!

You said: “When I get around a psycho and they start parroting back what I’ve said with a twist and trying to get me to agree with what they just said. The hair on my neck starts to stand. It’s simple what is happening they are using social niceties against us. They are smiling and telling us how smart we are but then they twist what we say and knowing that social niceties dictate that we play nice. We normally agree with them and play along. I say no that’s not what I said and no I don’t agree. The psycho starts getting agitated and they don’t stay long.”

Not anymore, do they stay long; trust me.
Especially when the ‘spell’ starts wearing off and they are becoming EXPOSED. They don’t like being exposed at all and become very violent and sinister from that point on.

And, I would caution ANYONE living a situation like I just described, to get out and seek assistance, however you can, in whatever way that you can. It’s ABUSE without sometimes, the bruises and the punches. It’s the kind of ABUSE you CANT see. It is the abuse we are attempting and struggling to overcome right now. It never really goes away, completely, no matter what you do. You can try to medicate it; pray it away…the only that works or did for me was coming to terms with the truths. All of them, no matter where they lead me….kind of like riding a ride at Knott’s Berry Farm or Disneyland…

You may be ‘woozy’ for a bit afterwards, but if you try really hard, you find your balance again…

TRUST is not something easily ‘given’ anymore…
I firmly believe that once that trust has been shattered, there is no return from that, on an individual basis, at least. I can’t say I won’t ever trust again because that is a ‘core’ of who we are. That is the ‘discernment’ we have been gifted; the ‘insight’ to see it coming…I should have paid attention to mine but I so thought “IT” might have been ‘worth’ the ride, turns out it wasn’t and I have wasted ten years of my life believing in a lie.

BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL.

Dupey

Can someone help me understand why the only thing I seem to engage in conversation with anyone is about Narcissistic Psychopaths and how it is real and out there. Why is it that I seem to offer this information to everyone, even those who think I am coming from outer space. Why is it that I trust no one yet want to warn the world of them. Why is it that I try to function normally and be grateful for my experience for the growth involved but how this is now a part of me…my newfound knowledge of extreme and real evil and that i was a victim…i have tried to (and believe it is happening) to change my belief system so that I will ward off “P” and “Spath” …but i am too busy trying to protect and warn others because i walk in my own fear of what took place and if another P in some degree comes into my life again…I am exhausted that this is my life and constantly searching for someone to relate to regarding this trauma that i feel is as worse as a victim of natural or manmade disaster if not even more damaging…I am angry at so many things today…I just want someone to relate to and i want some legal justice where none can be done…Please forgive me for my vomit today..I guess I dont know where my next step in life is going and I am confused…

alivetoday: i absolutely can relate to your feelings today. I am so sorry you are having such a horrible day.

we engage in conversation about the things that are shocking us the most. and if you realize that you have experienced a major trauma, the same as having a limb severed, and you just accept that understanding that you have ‘healing’ to do to put it back together. ..if you accept patience for and with yourself, it will come.

you can’t rush away the process of ‘healing’. it comes and happens on it’s own time. the reasons we ruminate is because we are trying to figure it out, over and over again, inside our own minds and beliefs and values and there is absolutely NO WAY to figure out something IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT.

the only thing we can do is accept the truths and stealth ourselves and forge ahead. there is no other option unless we want to completely waste away the gift of life we have been given.

the ‘shock’ of our newfound understandings on all of this leads us to shout out and reach as many as we can but that too will settle down, once we start ‘grounding’ ourselves. it will come. i never thought it would for me. i thought i would DIE in this hell. I am not finding myself there at all….

I absolved (not forgiven) all the bad stuff…with myself and those around me…it just all doesn’t matter anymore. not compared to what is left of my life…

Here, dear…let me wipe your chin for you….
Feeling better now?

The next step will reveal itself if you just watch for it and pay attention…xxoo

Blessings to you …

Dupey

Back_from_the_edge

Hi, glad your seeing them coming.
Waste? I wouldn’t call it that. It was an experience. You learned. You grew. Your more now. Might of been nice to learn it another way but that too is neither hear nor there. The best revenge is to enjoy life. Laugh and love.

The trust issue to me is that it was not a healthy trust with the right boundaries to start with so in the end we are left with not only dealing with the damage of the psycho experience but with having to learn for the first time how to set healthy boundaries.

My links didn’t work

http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000592.html
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000582.html

alivetoday

Read the links and see if that will help. It sounds like your wanting validation for what has happened to you, for someone to tell you your OK. For some one to make it right. This is normal. I went through the same thing. I tried not to talk about it but once I got going the anger would pour out. I got to the point that I didn’t even like being near me either. Then one day a guy made the mistake of asking me some questions and I told the whole story. He just got up and walked away. I was mad at my self, mad at him. A little bit latter he walked up and said I want you to listen. Which I start to tell him how bad it was. He held up his hands and said shut up. I’m sorry that it was so bad. Neither of us can change that. But only you can decided that your OK and to decide to get over it and have a good life.

My 2 Cents

hi spoon…back at ya!
you are right…not really a waste; i just haven’t got that far yet, but I will, quickly now, too…still licking my ‘battle wounds’…we can’t linger too long on that though…we have stuff to get on with!!

An experience, surely, if I had paid attention, I would not have had to batter myself with, for sure! It will NOT happen again; I can reassure you of this.

BOUNDARIES: that is what it takes.
Stand up for the person you KNOW you are inside and that is the only validation we really need. Right: not a healthy trust to begin with…you can’t break something that never was in the first place. That is such a ‘twilight zone’ moment but it is true.

People don’t like being confronted with truth.
If I have a friend who doesn’t want to listen to me enough, to stand beside me and help me through some bad moments of my life, that isn’t a friend.

A REAL FRIEND said to me, once, after a horrible car accident I had in 1995, something I promised myself never to forget. He was an ex Marine and one of my dearest friends…he came to see me every day and brought me food and spent endless hours doing simple basic needs things for me, during my recovery, which took almost 9 months. I couldn’t walk, lift anything, I had such a bad head injury, I DROOLED for 7 months afterwards! He would wipe my chin and my eyes would fill with tears, from the sincerity of the kindness…and he would say:

“Don’t cry, beauty….you will know who your real friends are because they are the faces of those people you see when your times are the lowest…” And he would hug me, or turn me over in bed and just sit and hold my hand. THAT IS A FRIEND.

I like your 2 Cents…
Feel free to add it to the penny heap, any old time, spoon…

Dupey

Back_from_the_edge

That’s the attitude. For me it helped when I learned to strip the emotions from the memories. I was able to quickly clean up a lot of crap.

A very good friend might not be the right words. There a few people like this in the world. Just hard to tell till the chips are down which is which. Glad he was there for you and was the kind of guy he was. Hate that you need him in the first place though.

Yeah it does seem that most of this stuff is like a photon both a wave and a particle at the same time.

Sound like your on the right track. Celebrate the little victories.

My 2 Cents

From nurturing/encouraging to an astounding article on emotion, I see how we all heal differently and really encourage and support the other from their perspective…Thank you, it was ALL so hopeful and educating…..I cried A LOT while reading..
I have been fighting the “knocking at your stomach door” feeling that has been trying to creep back in…I may release the flow of emotion so that I may create new thought.. and hope it works..

Great appreciation!

alivetoday

A good cry can do wonders. Glad the posts help. He does explain well. Yeah we each have our own path but they are similar.

This is how I removed the emotions from the memories. Think of it this way. Remember an event where you have no emotional ties to it. Then think of the “knocking at your stomach door” feeling and how it would feel to have it like the first one. The rest is at the link.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/03/27/they-just-cant-understand-why-its-so-hard-to-explain-the-truth-to-others/comment-page-1/#comment-157612

There is another if your having problems getting the the picture of the psycho out of your head. The exploding smurf.

Let the picture of the psycho form in your head. Now turn it blue or any bright color(s) will work. Now start shrinking the picture of the blue psycho until it is very small-tiny and if it talks make the voice squeaky where you can’t even hear or understand it. Now grin and push the button that makes the psycho smurf explode, very very violently, a massive explosion. The blue covers your whole field of vision. Open your eyes. Now try and see the picture of the psycho.

Hope this helps

spoon: hahahahahaha
LOVE the exploding smurf analogy!
It’s great. I am using it and laughing as I write.

Thanks for the smile.

Dupey

alivetoday: just remember who you are and your value and your worth. stay on the path to yourself and believe in yourself and you will be just fine.

yes, a good cry can really do wonders, just don’t spend too much time on the tears or you will miss the sunshine.

then there is always the exploding smurf analogy…..
YOU have the good day you were MEANT to have; hear me?

Dupey

🙂

Back_from_the_edge

Laughing is better then crying even if crying has it’s place.
Can you see the psycho now in your head or is it like just not there any more?
How has the feelings changed?

Just curious.

spoon: you talking to ME? hahahaha
Oh yes, always in my lifetime, I have found immense humor in between the lines, as a way of ‘coping’. When the ugliness was at it worse, just think of the humor in it and it slaps you back out of it.

The smurf analogy should be an “Afterschool Special” on television for children to see and learn from. ahahahaha

Love the idea!
The smurf works wonders; truly…

I will always remember it now, for sure! hahahaha

Alive today,
you aren’t chicken little, the sky really is falling!
http://bit.ly/IywYhR

Back_from_the_edge

Good to hear. The worst things get the more I laugh. Not good when a cop is yelling at you but hey that just me.

The emotions should wane quit a bit if not go all together. This one can help so we can better focus on dealing with ourselves and not trying to get it out of our head.

If the internal arguments with the psycho continue. Follow the steps form the link that strips the emotions from the argument. If you want to have fun first give them something like Porky Pigs or a Tinkerbell voice. Get the voice you want, then hear the argument now you want to switch the voices real fast. Snap of your fingers fast. Blank the mind. Then do it 2 to 3 more times. They will now sound like the voice you choose from now on. And you can go back and kill it which is quick to do in the first place.

Have a laugh

skylar: thanks for the read.
Very on point and appropriate.
A MUST READ PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dupey

LOL SPOON: LIMITLESS ARRANGEMENTS, yes, I see…
I am laughing so hard right now, I forgot almost what we were talking about in the first place. hahahahaha

Happy Day

Back_from_the_edge

Got caught up writing what I wrote I forgot this part.

Thanks and I hope the next day is better then the last, from now on. As in the “Fish Called Wanda” R-e-v-e-n-g-e. Smile and laugh a lot.

You’re welcome Dupey. Glad you liked it.

thanks ((spoon)); thanks ((skylar))…everything you guys have had to say and share has made me feel a lot better today and that is awesome, considering today is one of those ‘anniversary dates’.

i think finding laughter on this day is a whole lot better than what used to be and i will always remember you guys for this. xxoo

Dupey

You all are awesome, encouraging, validating, educating and are providing great direction and incredible articles!! I mean some INCREDIBLE articles. For some reason, hearing all this from you doesnt feel like (although very kind) the weekly paid therapy session telling me that they understand and I know they really dont…I want to believe the PhD makes them understand.

Time has past since I was in the black hole but of course the shadow always was lingering; sometimes closer than other times…..i was hoping it would completely dissipate but for reasons unknown, i kept going back thinking or talking or writing about it..always ending in the same state of confusion and the trying to avoid the emotions.. ….they say where there is confusion there is evil…so one needs to avoid confusion and can choose to do so……I think you are all so strong, empathizing and I hope to find a trusted place here..thank you

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Sky – r u around still? I wanted to know if you would have time/ interest in responding to the latest entry on the blog about my spath.

Great article and Donna, I completely resonate with your response. I think the enemy is not the sociopaths in the world, but unconsciousness itself. Until we bring our own unconscious feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and decisions into our awareness and release them, we will continually act out destructive dramas – if not with a particular sociopath, then with someone else. Change begins on the inside with us, learning to focus inside – by whatever methods we choose to do it – and becoming aware of our own thoughts and feelings, becoming deeply grounded inside of our body. If we don’t see what patterns are operating behind the scenes, what emotions we are repressing, and what hidden beliefs we have, we are not completely at choice. We might think we are, but really we are not – we are just acting out the programming that we are not aware of.

Sociopaths are probably the most unconscious of all humans. They may even lack the physical brain structures to become self-aware. But we don’t need to spend our lives focusing on them and worrying about them, thereby taking the attention off ourselves and the inner work we need to do for us to become conscious. That work has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. We can turn our focus inward and heal those things within ourselves that attract sociopaths in the first place. Then we will stop attracting them. The problem is that pain is painful and we want to avoid it at all costs. It’s easy to focus outward, on how much better our lives will be when such and such a thing happens or when so and so loves us. Or to make up a story about the pain and how it’s someone else’s fault, thereby solidifying our belief that we are helpless to change unless certain conditions are met. Projecting happiness into the future never works, because it takes us out of the present moment, out of our bodies.

I’m hesitant to post this, but thought I’d give it a try.

I believe that HOW we perceive a certain situation can reflect on how it effects us.

We see something in the grass…we think it may be a snake, and we become frightened, we jump. Our body reacts as if it were a danger (even if the thing we saw was not a snake) exactly like it would if the snake were real. So our thinking makes us behave and feel in a way that real danger would.

Many times we don’t really know if an event in our lives is ultimately “good or bad” in the LONG run. sometimes something that seems REALLY BAD turns out later to have been a godsend.

For example. A job I loved, my faviortie job in the world, my job at the college, got knocked down to a part time position….I was devastated and my life felt like it was falling apart, I had to find another job with benefits. Ended up, I took a weekend option job, working 2 days a week with full pay and benefits….so the job I lost turned out to be a godsend….plus, not long after I took the 2-day a week job my beloved stepfather became gravely ill. The 2-day a week job turned out to be a godsend in that I could take care of him. So things that AT THE TIME we see as HORRIBLE may indeed be BLESSINGS when the full story is told of our lives.

Looking back at my life and events that have happened, I see many things IN RETROSPECT as blessings that at the time they happened were seen as terrible things.

So how we look at things, or feel about things at the time, may not be indicative of how good or bad they are in the end.

What Stargazer said in the post above mine:

“Sociopaths are probably the most unconscious of all humans. They may even lack the physical brain structures to become self-aware. But we don’t need to spend our lives focusing on them and worrying about them, thereby taking the attention off ourselves and the inner work we need to do for us to become conscious. That work has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. We can turn our focus inward and heal those things within ourselves that attract sociopaths in the first place. Then we will stop attracting them. The problem is that pain is painful and we want to avoid it at all costs. It’s easy to focus outward, on how much better our lives will be when such and such a thing happens or when so and so loves us. Or to make up a story about the pain and how it’s someone else’s fault, thereby solidifying our belief that we are helpless to change unless certain conditions are met. Projecting happiness into the future never works, because it takes us out of the present moment, out of our bodies. ”

Is very right on.

Alive, the experience of the spath doesn’t translate very well into words. Only those who’ve been there at an unmasking, can really relate. We owe it to each other to be there for each other. No one else can.

One Joy,
just got in. I remember going to that website but may have lost the link. Can we talk off blog?

Star,
The focus definitely should be on us, the spath though, serves as an excellent example of how not to be.

Ox Drover

Yes the How is what gives definition to what we perceive, not the event itself. Perceive is the meaning that we gave the event. How is the beliefs and all it’s minions that we filter the event through which creates the meaning. And beliefs are made up of what one has decided is true. Not that the belief is true but we act as if it is. A belief can limit us. Box us in. Stuck never able to grow or become more. I’m good. I’m bad. I’m not good enough. I can’t do that. Etc. Or a belief can move us forward, create growth. I can learn to do it. Mistakes are fixable. There is no failure only feedback.

A lot time I use sports to explain things. Sports is cut and dry. In limiting beliefs a person isn’t trying to win [over come adversity] but is trying not to lose. What in football is called the prevent defense it loses more games then it wins. But they didn’t get beat by the big play.

In the book “MINDSET ”“ The New Psychology of Success” by CAROL S. DWECK, PH.D One of the way they put it is one is fixed mindset a non-learner or a growth mindset a learner.

The Story of the Taoist Farmer
http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/Taoist_Farmer.html

THE POWER OF CHOICE
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000588.html
THE POWER OF BOUNDARIES
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000588.html

Back_from_the_edge

Glad that it has helped.

On the ’anniversary dates’ thing. Think of some thing that was but is no more. This can be anything but it is something that was in your life but can never be again. Someone that has died but just make sure that your ok with that it’s no more. When you think of it tap your hand or knee etc. Now think of the psycho today tap the same spot. Now think of the psycho tomorrow tap the place. Think of the psycho the next day tap. Next week tap. Following week tap. Next month tap. Three months tap. Six months tap. Go out as far as you had plans in your head. And any special plan times and anniversary. This will remove all the tabs in the future that we all set.

alivetoday

My bill….Just smile and be happy. 🙂 Sounds like your headed in the right direction. The links up above are on the same line as the others.

Everybody make it a GREAT DAY

Spoon,

The story about the “good news? bad news?” is one that I used to tell on LoveFraud often. It is one of my favorites but I had forgotten to tell it. The link to it and the sources of the story was very nice, thank you.

It is so true! How can we tell, without foresight just what IS “good” or “bad” news? How could the farmer have told if the loss of the horse would save his son’s life? or the broken leg? So many times In my life I have seen that happen.

I am a Christian believer and I believe the Bible verse that says “ALL things work together FOR GOOD to those that Love the Lord” Frequently though I am a poor example of a Christian as when something “bad” happens, I don’t trust enough in that verse. But looking back over my life, SO MANY times I can see that it is TRUE.

Ox Drover

Yeah some times we don’t appreciate the good God has in store for us.

Here’s another one I’ve always liked
Two monks were on a pilgrimage. One day, they came to a deep river. At the edge of the river, a young woman sat weeping, because she was afraid to cross the river without help. She begged the two monks to help her. The younger monk turned his back. The members of their order were forbidden to touch a woman.

But the older monk picked up the woman without a word and carried her across the river. He put her down on the far side and continued his journey. The younger monk came after him, scolding him and berating him for breaking his vows. He went on this way for a long time.

Finally, at the end of the day the older monk turned to the younger one. “I only carried her across the river. You have been carrying her all day.”

And this one

I asked a very wise man about life.

He said, “Life is empty and meaningless.”

I said, “That can’t be so!”

He then said, “And it doesn’t mean anything that it doesn’t mean anything.”

And I still said, “No!”

Then he said, “And that gives you the freedom to give it any meaning you want it to.”

And I said, “Ahh!”

Spoon, there are many many old “stories” like that which have such deep philosophical meaning. Those were very good, thank you.

An EVENT has whatever meaning (to us) we want to ascribe to it….

An interesting thing was something I observed the day of the 9/11 attacks. I was teaching a CPR class to a group of highly intelligent and very motivated students when we heard that the event had happened. We turned on one of the huge WALL-sized TVs in one of the nearby classrooms and went in to watch. I asked the kids if they wanted to continue (we were nearly done) or if they wanted to stop and reschedule….they all said they wanted to continue. Out of 19 students 17 flunked the written exam. While they did not “appear” to be effected they were very much so. The event was 1500 miles away, and it was something that did not “effect” these students, they were not in danger themselves, and they were totally safe where they were…but yet they ascribed meaning to the event.

I do living history events where I “dress” up and present a persona at parks and other places. the two weekends after the 9/11 event we attended two events and the places were EMPTY which usually would have been filled to capacity. People ascribed a meaning to the event of 9/11 though it did not effect them personally and they did not “go out” and do things they normally would have.

We ascribe “meaning” to lots of things that happen in our lives and then we have associated EMOTIONS to go along with the meaning we have ascribed. Sometimes those emotions are painful ones. Lots of times the “shoulds” or “should nots” as the young Monk found become big burdens when they do not have to be.

Thanks for your input spoon!

Ox Drover

Your welcome.

The meaning for most events are pre-programed within us. There is no thinking. When we do think most of the time we are only choosing between a few pre-programed responses. But what we normally do is re-act to what is happening. The emotion are tied to the belief so it all just happens. We feel. Then we act. A psycho acts to feel. His pre-programing are tied to his real self but he is running on his aviator which has few pre-programed states. We too can act and then feel. But we normally feel then act.

Usually it takes a major event for us to change a belief. An event that creates Cognitive Dissonance. What we like is Cognitive Consonance. We like things to stay the same.

What you were seeing with the 911 is Cognitive Dissonance. The kids where using Cognitive Consonance until they worked out the Cognitive Dissonance of the event.

Mel,
Great to hear about your clean bill of health. Thank you for this wonderful topic.

Donna,
I definitely agree with your view of the Law of Attraction: not merely having positive thoughts, but being conscious of and facing our own energy & vibration.

spoon, this is brilliant and it really sums it up for me:
“The trust issue to me is that it was not a healthy trust with the right boundaries to start with so in the end we are left with not only dealing with the damage of the psycho experience but with having to learn for the first time how to set healthy boundaries.”

stargazer, this is also brilliant & I’m so happy you posted it:
“the enemy is not the sociopaths in the world, but unconsciousness itself. Until we bring our own unconscious feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and decisions into our awareness and release them, we will continually act out destructive dramas ”“ if not with a particular sociopath, then with someone else……………If we don’t see what patterns are operating behind the scenes, what emotions we are repressing, and what hidden beliefs we have, we are not completely at choice. We might think we are, but really we are not ”“ we are just acting out the programming that we are not aware of……We can turn our focus inward and heal those things within ourselves that attract sociopaths in the first place. Then we will stop attracting them. The problem is that pain is painful and we want to avoid it at all costs……..Projecting happiness into the future never works, because it takes us out of the present moment, out of our bodies.”

I love those Tao stories, too. Gotta read ’em again.

Thank you all!!

Spoon, you are absolutely right! That programming is imprinted on us as we are growing up I think just as a goose programs itself to follow the first thing that moves when it hatches. The cultural “norms” and cultural “facts” that we are taught are hard wired into our brains. We are taught to “jump” when we see what looks like a snake.

In raising cattle I watched the “tame” cows stand calmly by while we approached them and their calves also watched to see if we were “okay” when we approached and were not “spooked” when we walked up to their mothers. they saw that mom wasn’t afraid, so they weren’t afraid either. With the more “high headed” cows that were not pre-programmed or halter broken, their calves would notice mom’s fear and they developed it too. It stuck with them as well, and they were never as tame as they could have been.

Spoon, i am very much liking the exploding smurf

spoon: Thank you for this…
I am going to give it a go…xxoo
—————————————

spoon says:

“On the ’anniversary dates’ thing. Think of some thing that was but is no more. This can be anything but it is something that was in your life but can never be again. Someone that has died but just make sure that your ok with that it’s no more. When you think of it tap your hand or knee etc. Now think of the psycho today tap the same spot. Now think of the psycho tomorrow tap the place. Think of the psycho the next day tap. Next week tap. Following week tap. Next month tap. Three months tap. Six months tap. Go out as far as you had plans in your head. And any special plan times and anniversary. This will remove all the tabs in the future that we all set.”

Dupey

Ox Drover

You hit the nail on the head. Kids and we were all kids. Learn more by what they see then what they are told. The cows learn the same way.

The problem with this is we have beliefs that we don’t even know we have and they are effecting our lives. And most beliefs we don’t even no why it’s that way, we just do it. So stop blaming and just accept that it’s each of our responsibility to overcome our raising. Some had it worse but all was lacking even form the best parents. They are human too. This goes with getting over the psycho. The psycho is a problem but the real problem is why it was able to get us to accept it’s reality.

The ham story
http://www.annieshomepage.com/hamstory.html

Aesop

Glad you like it. This is my little creation. In NLP to get someone out of your head they normally talk about moving him to the dead file. Coding the picture just like someone else you know that has died. But it never really worked well for me. So I played with it and some worked ok for a while and then stop. I got mad one day and while trying something I just said it hell with it. Hit the button and exploded it. Made my head pop back. But it hasn’t returned in many of years.

It should take a lot of the emotions with it.

clair
Ever now and then I can put the words together right. 🙂 But I do make the spell checker cry every time I start typing. It’s whimpering now.

It is so easy to spend all our time blaming the psycho. It can feel soo good. But at some point it needs to stop. A friend of mine had some issues with her parents and it went on and on. I told her that the problem wasn’t the parents any more. This made her mad. Later I explained it again and told her that if the parents where to both died or if they came and said how sorry they were her problems would continue. Because the problem(s) was in her. A part of her. And every where you go there you are. So no escaping it. She told me about an episode of Malcolm in the Middle when the mom apologizes to her older son Francis and it went they way I had told her, the apologize didn’t help. Looked it up the title is “Ida Loses a Leg” Season 6, Episode 14, Aired Mar 20, 2005.

Happy May 3rd

Back_from_the_edge

One correction give yourself a little break each time. Just blank the mind and do the next one.

Happy killing future psycho memories.

Thanks spoon…

Here, this is for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5zFsy9VIdM

Love ~ Dupey

Spoon, you and I must have heard all the same “old stories” the “ham” one is one of my FAVORITES!!!! LOL

You are so right, we were raised “wrong” but we cannot continue to blame the raising for what is going on with our lives now.

You are making some GREAT points and I really appreciate your contributions! Thanks!!!

Boy, a person falls out of the virtual loop for a day and has one HECK of a time catching up on all of the insight!

And…….”A Fish Called Wanda” is one of my FAVORITE movies for that one scene: “RRRRRRRRRRREVVVVVENGE!” LOLOLOL

spoon, you are wonderful!!
“Because the problem(s) was in her. A part of her. And every where you go there you are. ”

Yes, every where we go, there we are. Very self empowering.

Truthspeak, I also love “A Fish Called Wanda”. brillant flick.

Truthspeak

What you going to do K-K-K-Ken K-K-K-kill me.

Ox Drover

The Ham story is a good one. I imagine it is very old.
It’s not that they raised us “wrong” in most cases just deficient. Now there are the one’s that where just down right mean and evil. But the thing to take from that is they were the one’s with the problem. Had nothing to do with the kid.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

SKY – sent you an email miss temporary. xo

the Bible verse that says “ALL things work together FOR GOOD to those that Love the Lord”…I had this printed on my checks.

Back_from_the_edge

Haaaaaaaaaaa Excellent Might have to add that to my ring tones.

Thanks

G1S, learning to TRUST that is sometimes very difficult for me in the NOW. I have to work very hard to keep on trusting that. However, the fact that I have SEEN the results over and over gives me more confidence.

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