Learning To Trust Again

Well — what a week it’s been! Last Wednesday I received the all-clear from my biopsy, and what a massive relief it was”¦ So massive that I hadn’t fully understood how much I had been stressing over the whole episode. Yes, I know, it’s only natural to feel anxious over the potential of discovering a life-threatening illness, but I hadn’t appreciated just how much I’d been holding in, boxing off, pushing away so that I could deal with life on a day-to-day basis.

It took a good couple of days for the good news to sink in, and since then I’ve felt more ”˜alive’ and full of beans than I have done for a long time. It’s only now that I’m feeling lighter and brighter, that I realize just how tense and low I had allowed myself to become. I guess there’s a whole lot of truth in that old sayings “we don’t know what we don’t know” — and let me tell you, now that I do know how much better I’m feeling, I am ready to grasp life with both hands. I’m enjoying a newfound and sense of liberty and excitement, and I notice that I have a huge smile most of the time now — inside and out. I also have a new level of calmness and confidence that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.

Minor Irritations

Funnily enough, I’m also experiencing a number of ”˜hiccups’ that I’m finding quite irritating — businesses closing just when I need to make an appointment, people not returning calls, my car breaking down, electrical equipment playing up. In previous times, I would likely have reacted one of two ways. Either I would have let it wash over me as if nothing had happened, or perhaps I would have scrunched up my face and clenched my teeth — but still not let anything ”˜bad’ escape my lips. Now though, and this last week in particular, I have certainly been expressing my frustrations! I don’t think I’ve ever really done that before — well, certainly not in the way I have been cussing and stamping my feet over recent days. And you know what? It’s actually been feeling pretty darned good!

Previously, you see, I’d learned and believed that the more I chose to focus on something, the more I would bring similar experiences in to my life. The fact is I still believe that to be true. What I believe I hadn’t fully appreciated in the process before though, was that I can still focus on the ”˜good stuff’ while also honoring very real sensations of irritation or frustration. Instead of doing that, however, I’d succeeded in pushing aside anything and everything that I’d deemed remotely ”˜negative’ within my experience, which simply resulted in me ignoring myself. In doing so, I believe I also succeeded in shutting down my own intuition. After all, if I wasn’t respecting the niggling feelings because I’d judged them to be in some way harmful, then surely it stands to reason that I’d been equally incapable of accepting the good emotions as well”¦?

Thoughts Create Experiences

So here’s the irony. Many years ago I studied and worked as a Louise Hay trainer, where the whole ethos is all about loving and accepting ourselves — exactly as we already are. It’s also about the notion that thoughts become things. That changing our thinking radically changes our experiences and, therefore, our lives. That negative or unconstructive thoughts will naturally create negative experiences — right? Yes, all of that makes sense (and I still hold true to that perception of the world) and yet at the same time I was consciously choosing my thoughts, I now believe that I was subconsciously squashing myself. Despite myself, therefore, I had been living against the principal of loving myself — exactly as I already am!

How on earth could I trust my intuition if I couldn’t acknowledge and accept every response and emotion that was true for me? How on earth could I expect myself to know — to truly know — the difference between what was good or bad for me, if I steadfastly ignored the signs to say that something is wrong?  Yes, I could (and still can) choose my thoughts and create a more positive reality for myself — but in the process I couldn’t possibly fully know and accept myself within that positive reality.

Bottom line is, I wasn’t trusting myself. At least, that’s the way I see it now.

Now I’m really learning to trust myself — more so than ever before. And for me, that means allowing myself to feel, accept and express all manner of emotions. While I’m sure it may sometimes mean that a few of my responses may appear to be a little heavy handed while I get used to acknowledging the annoyances, I do believe that with practice I’ll find a level ground. And I also believe, that as I continue to recognize these little (or large) frustrations and express them honestly, that I’ll have less and less need for nuisances in my life. By which I mean, that the more I accept these ”˜not so positive’ emotions as they arise — without judgment, labels or blame — then surely the more and more I am trusting and accepting myself?

Surely that therefore means that I can expect — and accept — an even more fulfilling life than I am currently enjoying”¦?

So, I am grateful for all the annoyances that have been showing themselves this week. And, rather than think that perhaps my thinking is somehow flawed for such things to be turning up in my life, I’m choosing instead to know that these are all more opportunities to express myself with more authenticity.

I guess the one thing to be aware of, though, is to make sure I don’t start enjoying showing my fierce or annoyed self too much — otherwise I could turn in to a perpetually grouchy person! Note to self — frowning will create a whole new batch of wrinkles. Much better to just make sure the smiley lines become more deeply engrained 🙂

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Of course she was faking it…that’s what they all do and that is what is so very hard to accept. Hell, I still can’t accept it that mine only faked all the emotions to get what he wanted and when his agenda was done, he was done. Not only did he pull me in once on an agenda, he did it again with a different agenda. He had all the power and always will. We don’t want to accept it. I’m not sure I ever will 100% accept it. Even after I am healed I think there will always be that tiny piece of non acceptance.


It just feels like a death sentence, this No contact thing.
Like I said, I was raised in a country family where we
all believed that to “do someone right” was to have
open, honest communication.

By enforcing NC on me and threatening a restraining
order should i ever try and get back in contact.

It is the cruelest, most dispicable way to leave somebody.
I used to warn her all the time “whatever you do dont leave
me in silence” I said to her.

And what did she do?
She took my GREATEST FEAR and used silence
through NC and legal threats to KEEP ME DOWN.

I am so dissapointed and hurt.

Sorry if I sound like an endless record on repeat
but I am really in a horrible situation.



Yeah, it has always been said on here to not let them know our greatest fears because they will use it against us and it looks like she did just that to you…she used your greatest fear to hurt you. It’s horrible.


I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sincere replies.


– Sebbo


You are welcome 🙂

We need to support each other…

Silent treatment from a sociopath.
i am sure many people think it doesnt happen.
but in my case it has and I can tell you that
I know i even sound obsessed, but who has
made me obsessed? Its her and her callous
ways which have deeply disturbed by heart
and my sense of self worth.

No Contact right now for you feels similar to an addict going cold turkey.

You are addicted to her. Drama, excitement, drama, excitement….

You said : “I still did enjoy just being around her on a day
to day basis as she was so full of energy and

She was and she still IS toxic. She is as toxic to you, as if you were shooting a toxic drug in your veins.

You also mention that this is more difficult for you because she did no contact on you first. This is “stinkin thinkin”….

If the ball was in your court you would like to “talk this out” with open, honest communication.
But that is IMPOSSIBLE to do with a personality disorder.

There is no “closure” with this kind of relationship. Any more than you could have an open conversation with a needle filled with a drug before you put it into your vein.

Start to think of your obsession as a drug.

The only way to get over an addiction is to become real with it.
And getting real isn’t easy. You must wrap your brain around the reality not the illusion of what she is.
The more you think about the “illusion” of what you thought she was… Rather than the REALITY if what she is…The longer you will suffer from the initial stages of what you are going through now.

Acceptance is hard but necessary to heal.

The good news is that you can do this if you change your mind set. It is a journey not an overnight thing…But the healing will begin once you allow it to.


The silent treatment is what we get from the non violent spaths…happened to me all the time. It is one of their forms of power.


Thank you for your priceless comment.
I’ve copied and pasted it in a word document
and i’ll print it out and put it next to my office
computer so I can refer to it if I feel really
lost – as I do now and probably will do for the
next year or more.

excellent advice Witsend; thanks for that little bolster this morning. Sebbo, Witsend is right: you need to look at it with a different perspective. The one it deserves to be looked through.

thanks for this Witsend…


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