Well — what a week it’s been! Last Wednesday I received the all-clear from my biopsy, and what a massive relief it was”¦ So massive that I hadn’t fully understood how much I had been stressing over the whole episode. Yes, I know, it’s only natural to feel anxious over the potential of discovering a life-threatening illness, but I hadn’t appreciated just how much I’d been holding in, boxing off, pushing away so that I could deal with life on a day-to-day basis.
It took a good couple of days for the good news to sink in, and since then I’ve felt more ”˜alive’ and full of beans than I have done for a long time. It’s only now that I’m feeling lighter and brighter, that I realize just how tense and low I had allowed myself to become. I guess there’s a whole lot of truth in that old sayings “we don’t know what we don’t know” — and let me tell you, now that I do know how much better I’m feeling, I am ready to grasp life with both hands. I’m enjoying a newfound and sense of liberty and excitement, and I notice that I have a huge smile most of the time now — inside and out. I also have a new level of calmness and confidence that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.
Minor Irritations
Funnily enough, I’m also experiencing a number of ”˜hiccups’ that I’m finding quite irritating — businesses closing just when I need to make an appointment, people not returning calls, my car breaking down, electrical equipment playing up. In previous times, I would likely have reacted one of two ways. Either I would have let it wash over me as if nothing had happened, or perhaps I would have scrunched up my face and clenched my teeth — but still not let anything ”˜bad’ escape my lips. Now though, and this last week in particular, I have certainly been expressing my frustrations! I don’t think I’ve ever really done that before — well, certainly not in the way I have been cussing and stamping my feet over recent days. And you know what? It’s actually been feeling pretty darned good!
Previously, you see, I’d learned and believed that the more I chose to focus on something, the more I would bring similar experiences in to my life. The fact is I still believe that to be true. What I believe I hadn’t fully appreciated in the process before though, was that I can still focus on the ”˜good stuff’ while also honoring very real sensations of irritation or frustration. Instead of doing that, however, I’d succeeded in pushing aside anything and everything that I’d deemed remotely ”˜negative’ within my experience, which simply resulted in me ignoring myself. In doing so, I believe I also succeeded in shutting down my own intuition. After all, if I wasn’t respecting the niggling feelings because I’d judged them to be in some way harmful, then surely it stands to reason that I’d been equally incapable of accepting the good emotions as well”¦?
Thoughts Create Experiences
So here’s the irony. Many years ago I studied and worked as a Louise Hay trainer, where the whole ethos is all about loving and accepting ourselves — exactly as we already are. It’s also about the notion that thoughts become things. That changing our thinking radically changes our experiences and, therefore, our lives. That negative or unconstructive thoughts will naturally create negative experiences — right? Yes, all of that makes sense (and I still hold true to that perception of the world) and yet at the same time I was consciously choosing my thoughts, I now believe that I was subconsciously squashing myself. Despite myself, therefore, I had been living against the principal of loving myself — exactly as I already am!
How on earth could I trust my intuition if I couldn’t acknowledge and accept every response and emotion that was true for me? How on earth could I expect myself to know — to truly know — the difference between what was good or bad for me, if I steadfastly ignored the signs to say that something is wrong? Yes, I could (and still can) choose my thoughts and create a more positive reality for myself — but in the process I couldn’t possibly fully know and accept myself within that positive reality.
Bottom line is, I wasn’t trusting myself. At least, that’s the way I see it now.
Now I’m really learning to trust myself — more so than ever before. And for me, that means allowing myself to feel, accept and express all manner of emotions. While I’m sure it may sometimes mean that a few of my responses may appear to be a little heavy handed while I get used to acknowledging the annoyances, I do believe that with practice I’ll find a level ground. And I also believe, that as I continue to recognize these little (or large) frustrations and express them honestly, that I’ll have less and less need for nuisances in my life. By which I mean, that the more I accept these ”˜not so positive’ emotions as they arise — without judgment, labels or blame — then surely the more and more I am trusting and accepting myself?
Surely that therefore means that I can expect — and accept — an even more fulfilling life than I am currently enjoying”¦?
So, I am grateful for all the annoyances that have been showing themselves this week. And, rather than think that perhaps my thinking is somehow flawed for such things to be turning up in my life, I’m choosing instead to know that these are all more opportunities to express myself with more authenticity.
I guess the one thing to be aware of, though, is to make sure I don’t start enjoying showing my fierce or annoyed self too much — otherwise I could turn in to a perpetually grouchy person! Note to self — frowning will create a whole new batch of wrinkles. Much better to just make sure the smiley lines become more deeply engrained 🙂
Mel,
Thank you for this article. You bring up a really important point about how our internal realities affect the external circumstances of our lives.
The “Thoughts are things” concept is related to the “Law of Attraction.” Many people think that the Law of Attraction is New Age mumbo jumbo. Or, some people have tried thinking positive thoughts, and still had negative experiences show up in their lives, so conclude that the Law of Attraction is bogus.
Personally, I think the Law of Attraction is real, but the explanation of how it works has been oversimplified. At least, this is what I discovered through my own experience with the sociopath.
It’s not precisely our thoughts that attract experiences into our lives. It’s our internal energy – and sometimes we may not be aware of exactly what type of energy we are carrying around.
Here’s a classic example: Suppose I am thinking positive thoughts about career success. I’m even saying affirmations every day, like Law of Attraction gurus advocate. But nothing happens. I don’t get the project that I want, or a promotion, or a new job.
The problem may be that even though I’m THINKING positive thoughts, I don’t FEEL like it’s possible for them to become reality. My internal ENERGY is not that of success, but perhaps apprehension, or even despair.
The point is, even if we stuff our feelings, the feelings are still there, affecting our energy.
That’s why being authentic is so important, even about little annoyances. If you release the negative energy that the annoyances cause, you make room for positive energy created by your positive thoughts.
So we are responsible for what the Ps have done to us because we put that energy out or thought negative thoughts?
This is not meant to be a “blame the victim” concept. However, sometimes there are deeper reasons for our experiences, reasons that we may not be consciously aware of.
This is the main lesson that I learned in my experience with my sociopathic ex-husband. My soul did attract the experience, because it wanted to break the karma with him, fully and completely. Which is exactly what I did.
For me, it was healing to realize that there was a reason for the experience – I wasn’t simply too stupid to see what was going on. I was following my life plan, which was to get rid of him, once and for all, and then help other people recognize and recover from these predators.
I discussed these ideas in a post that I wrote a few years ago:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/10/08/the-law-of-attraction-and-sociopaths/
It is more fully explained in my first book, Love Fraud.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/books/love-fraud-by-donna-andersen/
I would say what we run on are beliefs which are decisions we make about ourselves, others and the world around us, that we hold to be universally true.. A belief is coded as a picture with a statement and an emotional hook. The problem we face is most of our beliefs where created not by a wise individual but when we were a child. It’s not about blame but responsibility. We developed these beliefs without the needed understanding. My mother didn’t love me therefore “I’m unlovable.” What is closer to the truth would be that my mother didn’t have the ability to love but that doesn’t mean “I’m unlovable.” Having the belief that one is “unlovable” is like having a jar with the lid tightly screwed on and trying to fill it up added with the compulsion/need to have it full. Going from one person to the next searching for someone to fill it. And without letting others know that we are not perfect because if we’re not perfect then we can’t be loved.
Beliefs can be based in truth or lies. They can be limiting/negative/enabling/fixed mindset “I’m worthless” to expanding/enhancing/empowering/growth mindset “I can learn from my mistakes.” And not to mention that we have beliefs running in the background we don’t even know are there.
The problem with reality is that it is an event plus the meaning we give the event. The meaning comes from our beliefs. Happiness is a mindset/beliefs which we put on events. That’s why if we have to move one inch to be happy we never will. In other words happiness is how we choose to see life.
We are not broken what we do, we do well. It’s the why [limiting beliefs] that we need to look at and what we want.
This guy says it better then me. Also another guy would be Morty Lefkoe.
http://www.neurosemantics.com/meta-states/the-magical-nature-of-beliefs
http://mindsetonline.com/
This lady does a very good job explaining fixed mindset and growth mindset.
“MINDSET – The New Psychology of Success” by CAROL S. DWECK, PH.D
It’s not just on intellectual tasks that people have to make these choices. People also have to decide what kinds of relationships they want: ones that bolster their egos or ones that challenge them to grow? Who is your ideal mate? We put this question to young adults, and here’s what they told us.
People with the fixed mindset said the ideal mate would:
Put them on a pedestal. Make them feel perfect. Worship them.
In other words, the perfect mate would enshrine their fixed qualities. My husband says that he used to feel this way, that he wanted to be the god of a one-person (his partner’s) religion. Fortunately, he chucked this idea before he met me.
People with the growth mindset hoped for a different kind of partner. They said their ideal mate was someone who would:
See their faults and help them to work on them. Challenge them to become a better person. Encourage them to learn new things.
Certainly, they didn’t want people who would pick on them or undermine their self-esteem, but they did want people who would foster their development. They didn’t assume they were fully evolved, flawless beings who had nothing more to learn.
http://alexvermeer.com/15-benefits-growth-mindset/
Mel, another superb article. Sharing your steps in your healing processes with brute honesty is precisely what I am in dire need of, right now.
The “Laws Of Attraction” apply in a peripheral sense, but also in a very core aspect, I believe. I WANTED to be accepted. I WANTED to be approved of. I WANTED all of the things that my damaged “inner child” never received, so I allowed – yes, that’s the word and I typed it – ALLOWED myself to base my decisions upon my feelings.
My feelings are not facts, as my counseling therapist was fond of reminding me. And, it’s true. My feelings were that I somehow did not deserve anything better than abuse and neglect. So, I got what I believed I was worthy of.
Donna and Spoon, thank you for the clarifications. It is vital that we, as survivors of sociopathy in whatever form was manifested, realize that we never SOUGHT to be punished and damaged by these people. But, for whatever reason, spaths are very, very adept at honing in on whatever issues their “source targets” face and have yet to resolve – they USE those issues to their advantages and, in turn, this creates an even greater set of issues for the victims.
Wonderful article, Mel, and I’m so grateful for your clean bill of health!!!
Truthspeak
Emotions are the spice we add to life. We hook them to beliefs. We think in either emotions or intellectually. The problem is the stronger the emotion the harder it is to override it with our intellect. It is safe to say that emotions trumps intellect. The reasoning is that the event goes through our emotion region of the brain before it gets to the rational or intellectual part of the brain. And once the emotional state is triggered it can be very difficult to over come it. Say when someone looks at us with a look that we have been per-programed to feel bad about. You know the one where you feel real small. The problem isn’t what the person did because who are they, it’s the per-programed belief. That’s why emotional IQ is in some ways more important then the regular IQ.
THE POWER OF EMOTIONS
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipe…..00592.html
And Empowerment Series #9 ”“ THE POWER OF DISCIPLINE which is referenced in the first link.
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipe…..00582.html
The psycho uses the limiting beliefs we have against us. He/she/it exposed our weakness. In away it’s like stepping in front of an 18 wheeler. It doesn’t care what we feel. It’s going to smash us. The psycho is there to get it’s needs met. But without these weakness for the psycho to exploit he/she/it will just move on to their next target. Because we will have the emotions that we have been slimmed, that kick to tell us to walk away very fast. At least in most cases.
When I get around a psycho and they start parroting back what I’ve said with a twist and trying to get me to agree with what they just said. The hair on my neck starts to stand. It’s simple what is happening they are using social niceties against us. They are smiling and telling us how smart we are but then they twist what we say and knowing that social niceties dictate that we play nice. We normally agree with them and play along. I say no that’s not what I said and no I don’t agree. The psycho starts getting agitated and they don’t stay long.
spoon: thanks for the post to Truthspeak…
Yes!
You said: “When I get around a psycho and they start parroting back what I’ve said with a twist and trying to get me to agree with what they just said. The hair on my neck starts to stand. It’s simple what is happening they are using social niceties against us. They are smiling and telling us how smart we are but then they twist what we say and knowing that social niceties dictate that we play nice. We normally agree with them and play along. I say no that’s not what I said and no I don’t agree. The psycho starts getting agitated and they don’t stay long.”
Not anymore, do they stay long; trust me.
Especially when the ‘spell’ starts wearing off and they are becoming EXPOSED. They don’t like being exposed at all and become very violent and sinister from that point on.
And, I would caution ANYONE living a situation like I just described, to get out and seek assistance, however you can, in whatever way that you can. It’s ABUSE without sometimes, the bruises and the punches. It’s the kind of ABUSE you CANT see. It is the abuse we are attempting and struggling to overcome right now. It never really goes away, completely, no matter what you do. You can try to medicate it; pray it away…the only that works or did for me was coming to terms with the truths. All of them, no matter where they lead me….kind of like riding a ride at Knott’s Berry Farm or Disneyland…
You may be ‘woozy’ for a bit afterwards, but if you try really hard, you find your balance again…
TRUST is not something easily ‘given’ anymore…
I firmly believe that once that trust has been shattered, there is no return from that, on an individual basis, at least. I can’t say I won’t ever trust again because that is a ‘core’ of who we are. That is the ‘discernment’ we have been gifted; the ‘insight’ to see it coming…I should have paid attention to mine but I so thought “IT” might have been ‘worth’ the ride, turns out it wasn’t and I have wasted ten years of my life believing in a lie.
BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL.
Dupey
Can someone help me understand why the only thing I seem to engage in conversation with anyone is about Narcissistic Psychopaths and how it is real and out there. Why is it that I seem to offer this information to everyone, even those who think I am coming from outer space. Why is it that I trust no one yet want to warn the world of them. Why is it that I try to function normally and be grateful for my experience for the growth involved but how this is now a part of me…my newfound knowledge of extreme and real evil and that i was a victim…i have tried to (and believe it is happening) to change my belief system so that I will ward off “P” and “Spath” …but i am too busy trying to protect and warn others because i walk in my own fear of what took place and if another P in some degree comes into my life again…I am exhausted that this is my life and constantly searching for someone to relate to regarding this trauma that i feel is as worse as a victim of natural or manmade disaster if not even more damaging…I am angry at so many things today…I just want someone to relate to and i want some legal justice where none can be done…Please forgive me for my vomit today..I guess I dont know where my next step in life is going and I am confused…
alivetoday: i absolutely can relate to your feelings today. I am so sorry you are having such a horrible day.
we engage in conversation about the things that are shocking us the most. and if you realize that you have experienced a major trauma, the same as having a limb severed, and you just accept that understanding that you have ‘healing’ to do to put it back together. ..if you accept patience for and with yourself, it will come.
you can’t rush away the process of ‘healing’. it comes and happens on it’s own time. the reasons we ruminate is because we are trying to figure it out, over and over again, inside our own minds and beliefs and values and there is absolutely NO WAY to figure out something IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT.
the only thing we can do is accept the truths and stealth ourselves and forge ahead. there is no other option unless we want to completely waste away the gift of life we have been given.
the ‘shock’ of our newfound understandings on all of this leads us to shout out and reach as many as we can but that too will settle down, once we start ‘grounding’ ourselves. it will come. i never thought it would for me. i thought i would DIE in this hell. I am not finding myself there at all….
I absolved (not forgiven) all the bad stuff…with myself and those around me…it just all doesn’t matter anymore. not compared to what is left of my life…
Here, dear…let me wipe your chin for you….
Feeling better now?
The next step will reveal itself if you just watch for it and pay attention…xxoo
Blessings to you …
Dupey
Back_from_the_edge
Hi, glad your seeing them coming.
Waste? I wouldn’t call it that. It was an experience. You learned. You grew. Your more now. Might of been nice to learn it another way but that too is neither hear nor there. The best revenge is to enjoy life. Laugh and love.
The trust issue to me is that it was not a healthy trust with the right boundaries to start with so in the end we are left with not only dealing with the damage of the psycho experience but with having to learn for the first time how to set healthy boundaries.
My links didn’t work
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000592.html
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000582.html
alivetoday
Read the links and see if that will help. It sounds like your wanting validation for what has happened to you, for someone to tell you your OK. For some one to make it right. This is normal. I went through the same thing. I tried not to talk about it but once I got going the anger would pour out. I got to the point that I didn’t even like being near me either. Then one day a guy made the mistake of asking me some questions and I told the whole story. He just got up and walked away. I was mad at my self, mad at him. A little bit latter he walked up and said I want you to listen. Which I start to tell him how bad it was. He held up his hands and said shut up. I’m sorry that it was so bad. Neither of us can change that. But only you can decided that your OK and to decide to get over it and have a good life.
My 2 Cents