Well — what a week it’s been! Last Wednesday I received the all-clear from my biopsy, and what a massive relief it was”¦ So massive that I hadn’t fully understood how much I had been stressing over the whole episode. Yes, I know, it’s only natural to feel anxious over the potential of discovering a life-threatening illness, but I hadn’t appreciated just how much I’d been holding in, boxing off, pushing away so that I could deal with life on a day-to-day basis.
It took a good couple of days for the good news to sink in, and since then I’ve felt more ”˜alive’ and full of beans than I have done for a long time. It’s only now that I’m feeling lighter and brighter, that I realize just how tense and low I had allowed myself to become. I guess there’s a whole lot of truth in that old sayings “we don’t know what we don’t know” — and let me tell you, now that I do know how much better I’m feeling, I am ready to grasp life with both hands. I’m enjoying a newfound and sense of liberty and excitement, and I notice that I have a huge smile most of the time now — inside and out. I also have a new level of calmness and confidence that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.
Minor Irritations
Funnily enough, I’m also experiencing a number of ”˜hiccups’ that I’m finding quite irritating — businesses closing just when I need to make an appointment, people not returning calls, my car breaking down, electrical equipment playing up. In previous times, I would likely have reacted one of two ways. Either I would have let it wash over me as if nothing had happened, or perhaps I would have scrunched up my face and clenched my teeth — but still not let anything ”˜bad’ escape my lips. Now though, and this last week in particular, I have certainly been expressing my frustrations! I don’t think I’ve ever really done that before — well, certainly not in the way I have been cussing and stamping my feet over recent days. And you know what? It’s actually been feeling pretty darned good!
Previously, you see, I’d learned and believed that the more I chose to focus on something, the more I would bring similar experiences in to my life. The fact is I still believe that to be true. What I believe I hadn’t fully appreciated in the process before though, was that I can still focus on the ”˜good stuff’ while also honoring very real sensations of irritation or frustration. Instead of doing that, however, I’d succeeded in pushing aside anything and everything that I’d deemed remotely ”˜negative’ within my experience, which simply resulted in me ignoring myself. In doing so, I believe I also succeeded in shutting down my own intuition. After all, if I wasn’t respecting the niggling feelings because I’d judged them to be in some way harmful, then surely it stands to reason that I’d been equally incapable of accepting the good emotions as well”¦?
Thoughts Create Experiences
So here’s the irony. Many years ago I studied and worked as a Louise Hay trainer, where the whole ethos is all about loving and accepting ourselves — exactly as we already are. It’s also about the notion that thoughts become things. That changing our thinking radically changes our experiences and, therefore, our lives. That negative or unconstructive thoughts will naturally create negative experiences — right? Yes, all of that makes sense (and I still hold true to that perception of the world) and yet at the same time I was consciously choosing my thoughts, I now believe that I was subconsciously squashing myself. Despite myself, therefore, I had been living against the principal of loving myself — exactly as I already am!
How on earth could I trust my intuition if I couldn’t acknowledge and accept every response and emotion that was true for me? How on earth could I expect myself to know — to truly know — the difference between what was good or bad for me, if I steadfastly ignored the signs to say that something is wrong? Yes, I could (and still can) choose my thoughts and create a more positive reality for myself — but in the process I couldn’t possibly fully know and accept myself within that positive reality.
Bottom line is, I wasn’t trusting myself. At least, that’s the way I see it now.
Now I’m really learning to trust myself — more so than ever before. And for me, that means allowing myself to feel, accept and express all manner of emotions. While I’m sure it may sometimes mean that a few of my responses may appear to be a little heavy handed while I get used to acknowledging the annoyances, I do believe that with practice I’ll find a level ground. And I also believe, that as I continue to recognize these little (or large) frustrations and express them honestly, that I’ll have less and less need for nuisances in my life. By which I mean, that the more I accept these ”˜not so positive’ emotions as they arise — without judgment, labels or blame — then surely the more and more I am trusting and accepting myself?
Surely that therefore means that I can expect — and accept — an even more fulfilling life than I am currently enjoying”¦?
So, I am grateful for all the annoyances that have been showing themselves this week. And, rather than think that perhaps my thinking is somehow flawed for such things to be turning up in my life, I’m choosing instead to know that these are all more opportunities to express myself with more authenticity.
I guess the one thing to be aware of, though, is to make sure I don’t start enjoying showing my fierce or annoyed self too much — otherwise I could turn in to a perpetually grouchy person! Note to self — frowning will create a whole new batch of wrinkles. Much better to just make sure the smiley lines become more deeply engrained 🙂
skylar: thanks for the read.
Very on point and appropriate.
A MUST READ PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dupey
LOL SPOON: LIMITLESS ARRANGEMENTS, yes, I see…
I am laughing so hard right now, I forgot almost what we were talking about in the first place. hahahahaha
Happy Day
Back_from_the_edge
Got caught up writing what I wrote I forgot this part.
Thanks and I hope the next day is better then the last, from now on. As in the “Fish Called Wanda” R-e-v-e-n-g-e. Smile and laugh a lot.
You’re welcome Dupey. Glad you liked it.
thanks ((spoon)); thanks ((skylar))…everything you guys have had to say and share has made me feel a lot better today and that is awesome, considering today is one of those ‘anniversary dates’.
i think finding laughter on this day is a whole lot better than what used to be and i will always remember you guys for this. xxoo
Dupey
You all are awesome, encouraging, validating, educating and are providing great direction and incredible articles!! I mean some INCREDIBLE articles. For some reason, hearing all this from you doesnt feel like (although very kind) the weekly paid therapy session telling me that they understand and I know they really dont…I want to believe the PhD makes them understand.
Time has past since I was in the black hole but of course the shadow always was lingering; sometimes closer than other times…..i was hoping it would completely dissipate but for reasons unknown, i kept going back thinking or talking or writing about it..always ending in the same state of confusion and the trying to avoid the emotions.. ….they say where there is confusion there is evil…so one needs to avoid confusion and can choose to do so……I think you are all so strong, empathizing and I hope to find a trusted place here..thank you
Sky – r u around still? I wanted to know if you would have time/ interest in responding to the latest entry on the blog about my spath.
Great article and Donna, I completely resonate with your response. I think the enemy is not the sociopaths in the world, but unconsciousness itself. Until we bring our own unconscious feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and decisions into our awareness and release them, we will continually act out destructive dramas – if not with a particular sociopath, then with someone else. Change begins on the inside with us, learning to focus inside – by whatever methods we choose to do it – and becoming aware of our own thoughts and feelings, becoming deeply grounded inside of our body. If we don’t see what patterns are operating behind the scenes, what emotions we are repressing, and what hidden beliefs we have, we are not completely at choice. We might think we are, but really we are not – we are just acting out the programming that we are not aware of.
Sociopaths are probably the most unconscious of all humans. They may even lack the physical brain structures to become self-aware. But we don’t need to spend our lives focusing on them and worrying about them, thereby taking the attention off ourselves and the inner work we need to do for us to become conscious. That work has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. We can turn our focus inward and heal those things within ourselves that attract sociopaths in the first place. Then we will stop attracting them. The problem is that pain is painful and we want to avoid it at all costs. It’s easy to focus outward, on how much better our lives will be when such and such a thing happens or when so and so loves us. Or to make up a story about the pain and how it’s someone else’s fault, thereby solidifying our belief that we are helpless to change unless certain conditions are met. Projecting happiness into the future never works, because it takes us out of the present moment, out of our bodies.
I’m hesitant to post this, but thought I’d give it a try.
I believe that HOW we perceive a certain situation can reflect on how it effects us.
We see something in the grass…we think it may be a snake, and we become frightened, we jump. Our body reacts as if it were a danger (even if the thing we saw was not a snake) exactly like it would if the snake were real. So our thinking makes us behave and feel in a way that real danger would.
Many times we don’t really know if an event in our lives is ultimately “good or bad” in the LONG run. sometimes something that seems REALLY BAD turns out later to have been a godsend.
For example. A job I loved, my faviortie job in the world, my job at the college, got knocked down to a part time position….I was devastated and my life felt like it was falling apart, I had to find another job with benefits. Ended up, I took a weekend option job, working 2 days a week with full pay and benefits….so the job I lost turned out to be a godsend….plus, not long after I took the 2-day a week job my beloved stepfather became gravely ill. The 2-day a week job turned out to be a godsend in that I could take care of him. So things that AT THE TIME we see as HORRIBLE may indeed be BLESSINGS when the full story is told of our lives.
Looking back at my life and events that have happened, I see many things IN RETROSPECT as blessings that at the time they happened were seen as terrible things.
So how we look at things, or feel about things at the time, may not be indicative of how good or bad they are in the end.
What Stargazer said in the post above mine:
“Sociopaths are probably the most unconscious of all humans. They may even lack the physical brain structures to become self-aware. But we don’t need to spend our lives focusing on them and worrying about them, thereby taking the attention off ourselves and the inner work we need to do for us to become conscious. That work has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. We can turn our focus inward and heal those things within ourselves that attract sociopaths in the first place. Then we will stop attracting them. The problem is that pain is painful and we want to avoid it at all costs. It’s easy to focus outward, on how much better our lives will be when such and such a thing happens or when so and so loves us. Or to make up a story about the pain and how it’s someone else’s fault, thereby solidifying our belief that we are helpless to change unless certain conditions are met. Projecting happiness into the future never works, because it takes us out of the present moment, out of our bodies. ”
Is very right on.
Alive, the experience of the spath doesn’t translate very well into words. Only those who’ve been there at an unmasking, can really relate. We owe it to each other to be there for each other. No one else can.
One Joy,
just got in. I remember going to that website but may have lost the link. Can we talk off blog?
Star,
The focus definitely should be on us, the spath though, serves as an excellent example of how not to be.