The following unfolded after she witnessed the first “slip of the mask.” She questioned what had just happened, since at the time, she did not understand. However, she quickly learned that she was not allowed to have thoughts or ask questions. Doing so constituted “interrogation” or the “the third degree.” He became angrier and angrier, blaming her for the mood shifts she observed.
Confused, she noted that they had not seen or spoken to each other in days and asked what she did to cause such upset. The exchange was out of control, and like nothing she had ever seen before. Things were wrong and she wanted out. She pulled her luggage from the apartment’s outside storage closet, with the intent to backtrack the 1500 miles she had just moved to be with him. What came next is uncommon, unless, of course, we are dealing with disorder.
The cold reality in disguise
The angry words took a pitiful turn. In a sad tone, he advised, “You should leave now. If you don’t, I will ruin your life.” Although now years in the past, she remembers the words as if they were spoken yesterday.
Why don’t we heed their warnings? Although psychopaths or individuals with a number of psychopathic features utter few truths, when they do, we often fail to hear what is really being said. They frequently tell us of their intentions, but in ways we just don’t understand.
He went on to tell her that her life with him would be miserable. He cried as he told her that things would never be as she wanted, and as long as they were involved, she would have nothing. He told her that there was no predicting just how bad it could get. He then professed his love for her, and told her that he didn’t want to hurt her in the ways he suspected he might. He told her to go and never think of him again. She should find a “nice guy.”
Confused, she suggested they work on making their lives together great. She asked how he could know that things would not ever be good. No explanation. He simply responded by saying that he was sorry for dragging her into “such a mess.” Then, as abruptly as the “crying” began, it stopped. Looking into her eyes, he coldly told her “this” was not something he could control, but rather, something that would just “happen.” Now, seeming happier, he smirked, and said, “…but I would like it if you’d stay.”
Of course he would like it. And of course she stayed. She ignored the instincts responsible for her churning gut, which were telling her to run and never look back.
What she heard
Although she had trouble rectifying the conflicts between the words and actions, she heard a “wounded” person speaking. She heard the words of a person who didn’t believe in himself or the potential of the universe. She heard the words of someone kind and gentle, who had been beaten by life. In spite of several years of work, he was making very little money and having trouble breaking into his industry.
He had a “depressed” ex wife, who ran up thousands of dollars of credit card debt in his name and became pregnant in an effort to either trap him or “save” the relationship. He couldn’t be sure which.
She heard that he was sad and did not feel worthy of real love or the good that real love could bring. He could not seem to find it anyway. She heard guilt for involving her, the love he knew was real, since he worried about his future lack of success possibly bringing her down with him.
She heard wrong.
What she thought
She thought that with a little hard work and a lot of love, everything would be fine. But she did not realize that the conversation she thought was happening, was not happening at all. Had she known then what she knows now, she would have understood things – heard the words and thought the thoughts – very differently.
What he meant
In the exchange described above, he was telling her about himself. He was letting her know that he was not the kind or gentle person she initially thought. His actions and behaviors were not influenced by the stresses of emotional burden, as his words suggested. Nothing he did indicated true sadness either. He was strangely content.
He did not seem bothered by the fact that he could not provide. In fact, he seemed un-phased. So much so, that rectifying the finances became her burden. When she questioned this, he alternated between asserting that it was all just too much for him to handle and that he was used to “having nothing,” so it didn’t bother him. However, she noticed he made sure his wants and needs were met, even if those around him suffered. She began to suspect that the credit concerns were not created by an ex or anyone other than himself. The future would eventually become history and prove her correct.
He also knew what his previous relationships had been like. Although the specifics varied from person to person, with the individual actions and personalities playing roles in how things ultimately unfolded, none were successful. Some lost more and were treated worse than others, which may be why he was unable to predict how bad it could get.
He mentioned love and caring
When they speak of love, it is often nothing more than a means to manipulate. However, there may be some they actually do care about. But they do so very differently from the rest of us and it is always self serving and potentially dangerous. What they feel is superficial and may whimsically change.
While they tend not to be terribly insightful, they do have some level of awareness of what is occurring. While they generally don’t see themselves as wrong, if and when they do, they simply don’t care. They may have fleeting notions that the results of their actions may harm others. Yet, they carry on unconcerned.
So, his warning may have been sincere, but he did not want to lose his plaything badly enough to really save her. He enticed her to stay.
Why do they really tell?
If he did not truly want her to go, why did he divulge the truth? These pitiful tender moments may simply be part of the process, further drawing us closer or more committed. They may also be fishing expeditions to test our reactions and the measure the potential “supply” they can extract from us. It is also quite possible that they are just plain fun. Are they teasing us? I suspect it may be a rush for them to know that they are, more or less, detailing our demise, while we remain completely clueless, and feeling sorry for them in the process.
That’s powerful.
Familiar?
I don’t think this story is uncommon. While we cannot blame ourselves for our inexperience in the past, we can learn to listen differently in the future. This extends to all types of disordered interactions as well. Who, in their right mind, would have taken the exchange detailed above to mean anything more than it appeared? Few. Those with personality disorders rely on this, regardless of who we are to them.
Who would suspect anyone of discussing demise and love or friendship concurrently? It happens. When it does, it is a recipe for confusion and disaster. So, let’s practice listening. We cannot change them, but we can change ourselves. With that, we can overcome.
I remember at our wedding rehearsal,my soon- to- be husband was cracking jokes,as I was beginning to get nervous,realizing that in less than 24 hrs I’d be married.
But at the wedding ceremony,it was totally reversed!He looked like he was walking to the firing squad,while I felt happy and content.
When it came time to kiss the bride,he just stood there and let me do the kissing!In fact,my hat & short veil fell off my head,and the audience laughed!That wasn’t theatrics;it just happened as I was relaxed!
While reading these comments, I just remembered my ex had told me once that he should not be in a relationship, that he should just be by himself. After saying that he asked me to get him paper and a pen, I did, he then wrote something like I bob sign over all my parental rights of my daughter to my wife, because my wife doesn’t believe I am a good dad. He then handed the paper to me but didn’t bother to sign it. After that I thought I might be be rid of him. No he sat outside my house in his tow truck calling my house, he called me almost 40 times in about 2 hours. I would not pick up the phone and then I finally picked up, he was still sitting in front of my house, when I answered he said goodbye and asked me to tell our infant daughter that he loved her. He then told me that he had just taken all of his heart medication and all of his blood pressure medication. I said oh okay, I ‘m calling the police to let them know and hung up. As I hung up he started up his truck and drove away. Sadly he never took all of those medications. That was 8 years ago and he is still tormenting us, I was able to cut it down by getting a restraining order for 6 years but he would violate it and got away with it numerous times. I just want to thank everybody for letting me read all comments and seeing that I am not alone. Thanks kathy
wow that’s eerie, my wife also could fall asleep instantly yet slept extremely light. and ususally anything romantic she said to me would come in the form of a whisper with a seductive look.
I guess I missed my warnings, several months in she sat me down and said she had some things to tell me. She told me about her messed up childhood and horrible relationship with her parents and both her step parents, she told me that had her committed somewhere at 13 for a suicide attempt, she told me she had been in the military and went awol, but that she turned herself in and was discharged (that was a lie as 2 months later she got caught in the car with me and arrested then said “thanks a lot david”)
3 years ago during a breakup I went to her house trying to talk things out, she told me in the garage she didn’t know why I kept fighting for this, and that I was an attractive man and I could find another girl to make me happy that I could make happy to which I told her I want no other woman but you, why cant you understand that? Once in the house we kissed a few times, then I had to leave, on the way out she grabbed me and flung me around to face her and passionately kissed me for bout 30 secs then told me she loved me, I wound up moving back in the next week and the process started over again, she loves me, says we cant be apart, this feels so right, only to go cold again and say im a pathetic loser, I don’t do enough, she never wanted me back, and to get out.
she is doing it right now as we are split up again 7 weeks now. She never wants to talk about things or apologize when she does something I feel is over the boarders of a relationship, we just do silent treatment then days later she will hop in the shower with me like it never happened and we have sex, that didn’t bother me the first few years, but later on it did as I realized it was only putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.
The spath I was involved with almost 6 years ago (wow, how time flies) gave himself away with one auspicious tell. When I was first getting to know him, he was kind and generous – the “guy next door”. He made his “ex” wife out to be a real witch, and the army was putting him through hell testing his alleged head injury before they gave him a medical discharge with lifelong pension. He seemed to be a decent man just going through a hard time. An ex Iraqi vet, I thought him to be a true hero. “You’re a good man,” I said to him, after knowing him only a short time. “No, I’m really not,” was his only reply. This turned out to be one of the few truthful things he ever said to me.
For those who don’t know the story, I found out in the following few months that he was lying about his divorce and faking a head injury to con the army. It was a very involved and intricate plot where he was faking a limp, slurred speech, and a facial tic around the army people. With me, he was totally normal. (Why do they always fake a limp? Ted Bundy faked a limp, too. It seems to be right out of the play book for how to be a sociopath.)
Wow Stargazer, my ex spath used to say the same thing. I would say, you are a good man, and he would always reply with, “no, I’m not.” I used to think he was just being humble….the similarities in their behavior is spooky!!!
I think they all follow the same playbook – Sociopathy 101. When I first came on here and started reading, I was amazed at how many of them fake a limp. It shocked me to find this out. I mean, would you ever expect someone you know to fabricate an entire medical condition with facial tics and a limp? And to keep it up for 2 years? He should have gone into acting instead of the army. The ease with which they lie is just astounding to me.
Im so glad i read this article. I never could make sense of the comment my spath made to me on the first night we were together in the house that he asked me to move into with him. He said, “Things are going to get bad now.” I didn’t understand it but i assumed that he was referring to the damage his ex wife had caused him ( as he always claimed). I just let the comment pass. Now i know he was telling the truth! Before that house we lived in a place he rented. When his ex went to the west coast and left the house they spent their married years in, we moved to that house.. thinking it would save a huge amount of money it should have made him happier bit it seemed, in fact, to unleash all sorts of horrible behavior. There were scattered clues but i was in denial as i really wanted a loving compassionate relationship. Moving there seemed to triger or put the approval on his full blown disturbed personality to act manipulative, grandios, controlling, and outrageous in every respect. I took me another 6 months to start seeking help online and making sense of it all. Thank the powers that be for this site. It helped to put the marbles back in my head. What did people in these sort of situations do without the internet? It must have been extremely difficult to understand what was happening to you especially since the spaths likes to control all those around you and how they relate to you! So, thank you!
Oh boy did this post trigger a memory recall! My ex-spath once said to me close to the end of our relationshit that he was probably the cause of the horrible sleep disorder I had suffered from for years (for which I was heavily medicated on benzos). I heard it but it didn’t mean anything to me or perhaps I didn’t want it to mean anything. That second part is tough to get past….
I know I am jumping into the middle of this thread, but I just wanted to say that I do not think they tell us these ominous truths because they care and want to give us a warning so we will leave and help ourselves. I think they do it so that later they can justify their actions by claiming that we were told and stayed anyways, thus giving our consent. They make a mockery of their victims, who they laugh in the face of (blatantly or covertly) because they think we are inferior beings who couldn’t save ourselves, even with the direct warning from them.
Panther, I think they say these things because sometimes by default, they just inadvertently tell the truth.
I agree they accidentally spill their own beans, but my ex explained to me in vivid detail too often how he rationalized abuse. He basically described what I am saying above, which is that any woman who cannot see it = stupid, therefore deserves it cause stupid people are unworthy of respect, and if he helps her out by telling her, then she = stupider and giving consent.
Obviously I didn’t realize consciously (although subconsciously yes) that I was that woman at that moment in time. I wanted to believe I was the token exception. Yeah, right.
I just remembered something else mine said to me just last year.
Somehow we were on the topic of alpha and beta males, im sure you all know what both are.
She made a statement to me something along the lines of that she had always wanted a beta male but never could find one to satisfy her sexually.
WTF???
In other words you want a man that will take crap from anybody, give you money, do what you say, and hes good in bed.
My lord the signs are all around, how in the hell were we all so blind?
off topic,
Anybody here know about taxes? My wife and I are not legally married just call each other that cause were together for 10 years.
Last year she took my exemption for myself without telling me which I found was illegal as I had made too much money, but I know she has claimed me as dependant at least 2 other times when I wasn’t working and staying home with the kids, and from what ive read that is illegal too as it states you can only claim children or relatives.
She also committed welfare fraud to get free insurance for our kids, by claiming I lived there but was not making money when I was because I worked for her business and she could have afforded getting medical coverage through her day job.
What should I do? I have contemplated reporting this, I fear it may make things worse or it may be a good thing as I not only may get the kids, but would possibly make her face consequences of her actions so she may not defraud the state anymore or lie on her taxes.
Help please.
Dave – you might want to talk to an accountant.
Hi Dave, You may want to contact the IRS Investigations. Everything you tell them is held in strict confidence. The other half will never know it is you. You may want to log into their site-IRS investigations and get some knowledge of what they handle.
Cover your a–! You can also turn her into the State for fraud, and also this is confidential.