Editor’s note: The following letter was written by a woman who posts as “Sam.” And to answer her question at the end, it sounds like she’s been involved with a series of sociopaths.
It all started for me around 11 years ago when I first met what I thought was “the love of my life” and the only man I would ever consider settling down with—up until only months ago. I was only a young 16-year-old girl and he was 21 when we first started seeing each other. I had a rather unstable childhood where I witnessed domestic violence from a very young age, and I left home before my 15th birthday. I did not have the best parental guidance.
After leaving home I was living from house to house. I had no job to support myself and I attempted to continue my schooling, with little results. Anyhow I dropped out. Looking back I have no idea how I got by but somehow I did. I also suffered from depression.
Then I met what I would later call the love of my life. I had just come out of my first serious relationship with a guy who was physically, verbally and mentally abusive towards me. I later discovered he was abusing drugs. So as you can imagine how lost and confused I would have been feeling at such a young age.
Knight in shining armor
I ended up in the arms of what felt like my knight in shining armor. I felt like we hit it off and we stuck together like glue. I felt safe with him and we had so much fun together. He was very protective over me, or territorial I would say now, but it felt good to me at the time, especially after coming out of my previous relationship.
He wanted me to commit to something more serious relationship-wise with him, after only a few weeks of being involved with him. But I could not bring myself to. After being in my previous relationship I had too many hang ups.
Anyhow after an intense few months of seeing each other, I decided I needed to move on with my life and move out of town and try to discover myself, which meant we would have to go our separate ways. He still pushed for me to make the commitment of being in a more serious relationship. But we ended up in different states and life goes on.
Called from time to time
We eventually both ended up in new relationships, but he would call me from time to time, trying to convince me to move to where he lived. He wanted me to leave my boyfriend and he said he would pack his girlfriend’s things and she would be out the door like she meant nothing to him.
I did not agree to this, but he just never gave in. I really believed that I was the love of his life and he just could not help his feelings for me. As the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. But it just didn’t feel right.
Anyhow we both stayed in the relationships we were in and I had a baby with my partner, and he had a baby with his partner.
Controlling partner
This particular partner of mine was very controlling and did not like me having friends or a job. He was extremely insecure he would go through my phone, read my messages, and stand around listening whilst I was talking on the phone. He would follow me places, very stalkerish behavior. I felt invaded and smothered.
After him showing little interest in our baby, I decided I had to get out. Not having so much luck in the relationship department. I was almost 20 and I went out to celebrate my birthday in my hometown. I ran into my old flame, and that was that.
Back where we left off
We were right back to where we had left off. It felt so great to be in his company again. Anyway, I had to go home. We exchanged numbers and it wasn’t long until he started persisting to get me to move in with him, into his house, as he and his partner had apparently split also. It took a lot of convincing, but after spending a few romantic getaways, one place being a beautiful island holiday destination, and plenty of pledging his love for me, I broke and thought, what the hell.
But I felt like things didn’t really add up. Always my instincts told me it didn’t seem right, because he had all his ex’s belongings in the house. When I questioned him on this, he told me that he would be shipping her belongings to her soon. He assured me it was over and she was nowhere to be seen, so I thought it must be the truth. He said they could not get along and she was just crazy.
I later discovered she was pregnant with the second child and that is when I should have just walked away. But still he had me convinced that there was never going to be anything between them again. He had made a mistake with her and that he would be open and honest with her about us, but in time. He had me convinced we were getting married. We were making wedding plans etc.
Walked away
Eventually he just walked away from me and went back to the mother of his children. He changed his number and I didn’t hear a word from him until about 8 months later. It left me dazed and confused. I still loved him deeply.
When he contacted me again, he was begging for me to forgive him and said he loved me and wanted me to fly to where he was. He said he only went back for the kids, but he said it was over again.
I foolishly agreed to meet him, as I think I still needed to make sense of what had happened and thought what we had was deep. He always knew exactly how to get inside my head with his charm and I would believe him.
Cycle repeated for years
This cycle repeated over and over again for another almost 7 years. I now have a 7-month-old baby to him, and yes he left me. I spent most of my pregnancy in a women’s shelter.
He has become a cruel, cold-hearted man. It’s as if I have no further use to him and I am being disposed of. I would assume this is what he did to the other poor woman.
I now know it wasn’t her who was crazy. I have found out she is pregnant to him again, but he is keeping it from me. He has threatened to ruin my life if I speak to his mother. He obviously doesn’t want me saying anything or he will be caught out.
These are only a few details of what happened in this twisted cycle of hell. I could write a book about it, but I’m sure you can imagine the kinds of things that happened in between.
Wish I knew about sociopaths
I had no idea sociopaths even existed up until only a couple of months before I gave birth to my second baby. If only I had known back then what I know now.
I wonder if my other partners were also spaths.
It makes sense to me now how I got involved with these twisted individuals. I am so sad I wasted so many years on believing in something that was an act all along. The one person I trusted most turned out to be my silent enemy plotting against me.
I think if I knew the signs I may not have been hooked so hard. But something tells me he will always be somewhere around. And he is far from the charming, funny, loving man I once knew. And he still continues to get away with his destructive behavior.
Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths
First of all, let me just say what a resilient woman you are. You have been on your own since you were fifteen and you have come so far. Yes, you were groomed by your upbringing to entangle with these sociopaths, but you got out. That is the important thing to remember. You are free to begin the healing process and THANK GOD you found Lovefraud. This is a great place to start.
Your story has a familiar feeling to me. I know what it’s like to be completely thrown when you discover what you thought to be true deep in your soul turned out to be a lie. Looking back it is obvious, but when you’re going through the experience it is difficult to see what is happening.
I wish you all the blessings that healing can bring. Continue on this positive journey no matter what. Knowledge is power so research, research, and research some more. It also helps to speak with a professional who understands personality disorders.
Still so impressed with how far you’ve come all on your own.
Hi sisterhood
Just wanted to say a special thankyou to you for your kind words I really appreciate it.
You are so right all I have been doing is researching ever since and it has helped me so much I think also once you get it you stop questioning and blaming yourself and wondering where you went wrong so it has been very helpful for my healing process. Yes lovefraud saved me.
Many blessings to you also. Peace and happiness.
What happened is he either threw her out or she left after a fight. They go from one relationship to another, keep in constant contact with their ex. And everybody is crazy except him. We could write the same book.
ThatGirl, You nailed it one word : CONTACT .
We lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same college, so we would bump into each other with just a nod or hello, nothing more than an acknowledgement. I re-met the spath at the beginning the spring semester when we had enrolled in two of the same classes. After a few weeks he asked me to see a movie, one that was relevant to a class. It was a nice afternoon, 2 college kids that knew each other more than 10 years ago, seeing a movie for a class. The next week asked me to see another movie and take a walk around the city followed by a peck on the cheek; casual and light. On the third date, at what would be called a ‘casual dining restaurant’, during the course of the dinner he proposes. Ahhhhhh!
I laughed it off, but was completely taken aback. For me however there was really no way to avoid him. Same bus to college, same classes, and he knew where I lived since childhood.
5 years, after being blackmailed (although in today’s world, my son tells me that people text and post more explicit on social media), badgered, and just be worn down, I married him.
It’s strange, I knew him on and off for 47 years, he has been dead 4 years November and I can’t remember what he looked liked. He had an all grey ponytail, brown eyes, glasses, and got heavy. He cut himself out of all pictures before he died, he left no photographic reminders.
It’s unfortunate that it took you 7 years to learn about sociopaths. But at least you figured it out, and you are still very young. Some people stay with sociopaths for 20+ years, and there are some who never figure it out.
It wouldn’t surprise me if there were also more women in his life. They have no morals or scruples, and they are very good at hiding their extracurricular activities. But one thing is that the “gut feeling” is usually pretty reliable. I knew something was amiss when I first met the sociopath I dated, but I dismissed the gut feeling because I was wanting love so badly and wanting so much to trust someone – I couldn’t have misplaced my trust any more than with him. I still want very much to have another person in my life I can love and trust, but I have to learn to walk before I can run, and this is by truly loving myself. I still don’t completely trust myself to take care of myself, to speak up for myself, and to value my own feelings, to set appropriate boundaries, and to be assertive rather than passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive.
Dear Sam,
I am so glad that you are out of the situation for good. Don’t go back, he speaks with a serpent’s tongue. You sound like you are even tempered and you are grounded in life even though you left home at a young age and had no support system.
The best thing you can do for you and your children is to love yourself fully and completely. You don’t need someone else to fill that need. When your at your healthiest is when you make the best decisions on whom to allow into your life.
I’m so sorry that you were involved with such a destructive person. Not all men are like that but I think that it’s hard to find a completely healthy man. That has been my experience.
Hope you and your children have great years ahead!
The more I hear about sociopaths and read the stories the more I realize just how many of those relationships I have been in. I can count three, 2 marriages and one 2 year long affair. I am over 50 years old. So glad you realized it before you were older! My son was exposed to a lot of unhealthy dysfunction because of my choices. Now I know I did the best that I could at the time but wish I could have learned earlier. Sociopaths don’t always present themselves in the same sort of way. Mine were all three different in personality. They all fit the profile but in different ways. So be careful of anyone who seems to be TOO wonderful, moves too quickly or that other people warn you about. LISTEN to them!
Hi Hopeforjoy.
Thankyou kindly. You are so right speaks with a serpent’s tongue good way to remind myself daily not to fall into the trap of believing ever again! Thanks for the advice. Bless you
Sam,
You are a survivor!Hold your head high!
I remember trying to ‘make sense’ of the crazy-making.It does keep you confused and keep you stuck in the mire.It’s so enlightening to learn about sociopaths and their behavior… to finally understand what happened!It’s validating too—because there is a reason we felt the way we did.
Take care of yourself and your two beautiful children!
Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped others by sharing. These people are like robots and when they need their battery charged, they will use real humans to get it charged. The more you learn about sociopaths as you read and write here, the stronger you will get whatever choices you make as you go along.
That’s right. They keep ties from a distance with as many women as they can, so they always have a place to land when they dump someone or get dumped. People are not people to these types. They are sources, things to be used and disposed of.
Every day, tell yourself that you are worth so much more. Just because someone throws you away, that doesn’t mean you aren’t a diamond. It means he was a dysfunctional idiot who didn’t know how to love or value another human being.
Take care of yourself.
Thank you all kindly for your support and words of advice I really appreciate it.I definitely believe there has was and is other women. I know I am very fortunate that I have found out now if it wasn’t for this website there is a possibility I could still be caught up in the cycle. Even after educating myself so much on the topic at times I have found myself almost believing him again but I am remaining strong and I look to the future with great hope and faith as hard as this road has been and at times I must admit I have felt so low this feeling of being in a nighmare but I don’t get to wake up from it I have still learnt so much and in a way it has been very humbling. I have grown on a spiritual level and it just drives me to want to do better more positive things with my life and give my children a life that they deserve with a happy healthy mum and the possibility of a happy healthy man one day in the future. Many blessings to you all I wish you all peace love and happiness. Take care
Hi Sam,
Thank you for posting your story. I was disposed of too and I feel for you in how much this hurts us inside. It made me feel worthless. Ofcourse, he told me I was wonderful in the beginning.
I am still very raw and fresh from my time with him, but all the wonderful people on this site are a wealth of affirmation and comfort. And knowledge. I had no idea what I was involved with until I found LF. I think finding this place was the first blessing to come out of the biggest disaster of my life.
Hugs to you and your children. Atleast you are both away from him. A new beginning, where you have a chance for a happy and bright future.
Bluemosaic
Thank you Bluemosaic. Yes I know exactly what you mean you feel very worthless. Its such a shock when you first discover what you believe you are dealing with I know at first I went into denial it was too much for me to accept. I felt so low for months the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a child and a baby on the way. This man that I loved so much for so many years was a fake which meant everything was fake it shook me to the core. I would lay awake and have flashbacks my mind could not rest I was sad angry confused broken so many different emotions. Still I can not believe this has happened but acceptance is the first step to healing and then of course after that time. On which I have come a long way in seven months after birth of my baby but it has been a life changing experience and I am the same as you from time to time I feel the same. I am sure it takes a long time to heal completely maybe we never do or I suppose we aren’t ever the same again. Yes Thank goodness for donna and her website! I wish you all the best stay strong keep smiling 🙂
I wonder if the fact that we begin to stick up for ourselves actually gets rid of them rather than thinking we just got disposed of? I am wondering that because this thread of posts and the article reminded me that just before my first divorce from a sociopath, I had read a very popular book about how to respond to verbal and emotional abuse. The book made me recognize that I deserved to be treated right. So, I began to use the suggested techniques in the book to stand up for myself. Sociopaths don’t like that! As I continued, I really just pushed him out of my life by accident because he was not going to change and he saw that I was showing strength in courage to his face. At that time, I belonged to a 12 step group for friends/family of addictive people. As I was standing up for myself and he was “disposing of me,” I called a much older woman one day crying. I told her that I believed he had another woman already and he was just leaving me behind like I was nothing. She said, “Oh Honey. THEY never leave us. WE leave THEM.” It truly helped me at the time and now, nearly 20 years later and having just read that same book again, I can see she was right. My inner strength and need got him to move on because he was making me sick. My finally speaking up for myself in appropriate ways I had learned in the book made him need to look for someone who hadn’t figured out yet that she had that right. Maybe, once they see even a glimmer of our human resilience coming back into us, they must move on to a new victim and they know it before we do.
I definitely believe that they don’t like it when we start to stand up for ourselves as they have to be in control and if they can see they are losing the control its enough to anger or frustrate them so they will in some cases fake the end of the break up to see if we will get back into line and obey because alot of the time its another way they hope to gain even more control over us they see it as a weaking mechanism. I do believe it is just all one big game and we make the choice to play the game or not so I agree with what that woman said to you about they never leave us we leave them because they always come back for more if they know we are still sucked into their crap they can play with us and use us a little more. On the flip side they know when we are finished or have figured them out but it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t try from another angle. I think no matter what we are disposed of because they are using us for something and when we finally make the decision to not play anymore they don’t care they just find someone else who will. Either way thats how we end up feeling.
hi sam:
I think your statements about them coming in at with different angles are important to remember. Mine certainly does that. It is like watching a computer/robot searching his memory grabbing at what computation might work. In the past, I have been scared about money and the idea of having to find a new room mate. I would stay in his room and talk for hours trying to turn it around to make him stay. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. Call me names. Humiliate me for sitting there for so long and on and on. Finally, I just stopped doing that. It felt so good. Now, he will try that “pretend” type of breakup threat you are talking about and I will say, “Yes. You have that choice.” I then finish up whatever it is I am doing around his area and say, “See you later.” I guess I use a form of semi-contact for my own purposes and then a form of semi-contact mentally as time has gone by. It is very difficult for me to fall for anything he does or says or is as if he is a whole human being. I very rarely get fooled by whatever he is any more. But, you are right. He sure does try every angle.
It’s very interesting to see how desperate they can get at their attempts to win us back or try to fool us back into another round. They will try anything I find.