CRON: Array ( [1553002515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553002815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553003115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553003415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553003715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553004015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553004315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553004615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553004915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553005215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553005515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553005815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553006115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553006415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553006715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553007015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553007315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553007614] => Array ( [wp_update_plugins] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) [wp_update_themes] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553007661] => Array ( [wp_version_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553007915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553008515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553009115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553009403] => Array ( [nxs_hourly_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553009415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553009715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553010015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553010315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553010615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553010915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553011215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553011515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553011815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553012115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553012415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553012715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553013015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553013315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553014215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553014515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553014815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553015115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553015715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553016023] => Array ( [puc_cron_check_updates-ad-inserter-pro] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553016315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553016615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553016915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553017215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553017515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553017815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553018115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553018715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553019015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553019315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553019615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553019915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553020136] => Array ( [wpbdp_hourly_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553020215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553020515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553020815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553021115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553021415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553022015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553022076] => Array ( [wp_privacy_delete_old_export_files] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553022315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553022615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553022915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553023215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553023515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553023815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553024415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553025015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553025315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553025615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553025915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553026515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553028615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553028915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553029215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553029515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553029815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553030115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553030715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553031015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553031315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553031615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553032215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553032515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553032815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553033115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553033415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553033715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553034315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553035215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553035815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553036115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553036415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553036715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553037015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553037315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553037615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553037915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553038215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553038290] => Array ( [do_pings] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => [args] => Array ( ) ) ) ) [1553038515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553038815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553039115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553039415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553039715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553040015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553040315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553040915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553041215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553041515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553041815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553042115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553042415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553042715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553043015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553043315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553045415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553045715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553046015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553046315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553046615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553046915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553047215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553047515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553047815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553048115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553048415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553048715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553049015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553049315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553049615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553049915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553050215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553050515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553050815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553051115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553051415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553051715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553052015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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60 ) ) ) [1553055615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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) [1553060415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553075415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553080515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553102715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553103615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553103915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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=> Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => [args] => Array ( ) ) ) ) [1553108145] => Array ( [bestwebsoft_wp_update_plugins] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553108294] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-ad-inserter-pro] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553108715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553111115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553111415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112486] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-easy-social-share-buttons] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553112615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553113215] => Array ( 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Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115318] => Array ( [ao_cachechecker] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553115615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553116215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553116515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] 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[schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553119515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553119969] => Array ( [update_network_counts] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553120115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553120415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553120715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553121015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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[interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553122515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553122815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553124015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => 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Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139915] => Array ( [seopressor_link_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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By | May 24, 2013 119 Comments

What we should do when sociopaths experience no consequences

Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”

Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed. To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).

My recent concern is watching him seemingly have no consequences. I’m not a vengeful person, so this is a distressing area for me, but I just thought karma or something would move in. How was he convicted of a crime, and given no contact and stay away orders from civil and criminal courts, and still have his job, and still be with the woman he was with (apparently for the last 7 years. We were together since January 2007, so their relationship lasted the entirety of our time together), and his friends are happy for him.

Maybe I’m staunch in my morals, but if I had a friend who was found guilty and the judge took away his first time offenders rights because 1) the severity of the injuries and 2) it was only the first caught act of violence, I would not support that person anymore. I would say that person dug themselves a big hole and it’s theirs to climb out of or stay in.

I am finding peace in my new location, yet struggle with reality checking and normal people actually being normal and trusting that. He seems to be just fine and has announced to all the love of his life, and he is finally happy happy happy, and has been with her since last May, which was while we were still married, and is the incorrect start date as her husband contacted me and has been following them for 7 years of his marriage (they are now going through a divorce).

It’s not a jealousy, but an envy of how he is so unaffected by what he did to me, even with law and court representatives telling him to his face what they saw in him. I don’t want to have to figure him out anymore as it prevents me from fully moving forward. So how do I turn off the switch when the spath is moving on easily and I am still finding my ground?

Salvation2012 brings up two issues here that seem to be intertwined, but they really aren’t. The issues are what happens to the sociopath, and what happens to us.

The sociopath

Chances are very good that sooner or later, karma will move in on the sociopath. At some point sociopaths usually screw up. They go too far over the line, anger the wrong person, get sloppy, run out of people to exploit, or suffer medical consequences after years of unhealthy living.

But this is not going to happen on our timetable. In fact, we may never even hear of the sociopath’s unseemly collapse.

In the meantime, sociopaths seem to be getting away with everything. And yes, they are unaffected. But think about why they are unaffected: They are hollow, empty shells of human beings. They have no heart and no conscience. This is what enables them to shred us and move on without a second thought.

I’d rather keep my heart and conscience and suffer the pain than live their eternally barren existence.

So what do we do? We let them go. We let go of our experience with them. Our goal should be to get to the point where they simply don’t matter. They are non-entities.

Our own path of healing

Letting go of the sociopath is actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we stop worrying, or even wondering, about consequences for the sociopath, we can focus our energy on our own healing.

Salvation2012 asked, “How do I turn off the switch?”

The first step is to viscerally accept what happened to us. Usually the switch that connects us to the sociopath is jammed on because we’re still beating ourselves up for falling for the lies, or wishing that what happened in our life did not happen.

We don’t condone the actions of the sociopath. We don’t like what happened, either. But we do have to get to the point where we can say, “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do about that now, except move forward.”

Then we take steps to process the pain. We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.

Yes, we were hurt, but that’s because we have a heart and a conscience β€” both of which we want to cherish.

 

 


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fightforwhatsright

I think the way that Salvation2012 feels is very common for most people defrauded by a Sociopath.

Donna’s comments offer the great insight that spaths are “empty shells” and we know they do not have empathy for others. (I just noticed how similar the letters in the words empty and empathy are yet they are the complete opposite – latin root emp must fit in there somewhere!)

In my own personal justice seeking in many areas of my life, I have found that in most cases, there is not justice when something bad happens. I believe we should look at sociopaths almost like natural disasters. They hit shore and don’t care or know whom they harm. They twist and brew and bring buildings and people down literally to nothing except a concrete pad in shambles beneath their whole life. They move parts of the plates beneath the Earth’s surface and can damage property and kill. Natural disasters have no feelings. They just are. They don’t care the names of the victims. They just are there and they build up and they rip up people’s lives just doing what they do: Blowing, swirling, bubbling, and shaking people’s lives apart without having a heart or a brain. A bunch of particles formed together to destroy. Sociopaths are no different. They are a natural disaster and do not care who or what is in their path. No brain and no heart. A natural mistake born in the form of a real human. Disasters.

Many people deal with disasters in different ways. Some are capable of thinking, “It’s all gone, but I will rebuild.” Some get sick and have to rest. Some may never get completely well, but will typically have the survival instinct kick in and slowly make progress to rebuild their homes and lives….sometimes even after losing their own children. Sometimes, in life, there just isn’t any justice. Anyone challenged by any endeavor that requires courage and heroism knows that in time. As the book says, we all have to draw on whatever compels us to keep going “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”

As far as the sociopath being “happy” and “finding the love of their life.” That is ALL they do. They go from one love of their life for a few weeks or months….and then on to the next love of their life. They may actually believe that each one, or their typical combination of many, will make them “feel” like normal people forever. They may actually believe that a human being they order around and manipulate will be perfect one day if they just keep going through us as if we are dots on a crazy map to bliss. But, they are wrong. I promise you. My first husband was a sociopath. He wasn’t the Navy Seal. He wasn’t the guy who knocked a gun out of the hand of a crook at a 7-11 on the way to visit his kids from his first marriage…(thank you internet as this is the type of story one could check out now). He wasn’t much of anything except a funny, charming, lovebombing, sociopath. A natural disaster. He is on wife number four now. And, guess what? He had to go to one his own age now. They do age and because many of them have multiple unsafe and unhealthy addictions, they don’t age so gracefully. They run out of money. They run out of charm. The woman he found this time has a boutique. I imagine that will go bankrupt after a few years with him. And he wasn’t as bad as the spath that followed him. The one that followed him into my path (just like a hurricane or tornado just takes a path) was a worse cheater, liar, manipulator, etc. He is now old with 1 1/2 lungs, one kidney and a rod in his leg from bone cancer where he is about to have a second surgery. He had a major heart attack at 54. They get old. Just as the strength of a natural disaster dissipates, so does the strength of most sociopaths. Unless they have a great deal of money and a great deal of luck, they end up old and alone or old and with people they don’t want to be with and are just using. It takes time. I divorced the first one in 1994. He has been in AA, so we have “talked it out” in recent years. I received amends from him, but how do I know if they are real? I do have to say that he was on the low end up the sociopath spectrum. He did give me the house as we would have made nothing off of it. He did that because I told him I “might” get back together with him in ten years if we didn’t have anyone else by then. He then went on to all of the ones who came next who were all probably described as the “love of his life.” They all had good jobs and homes and they were nothing but people who ended up in his path and didn’t know about lovefraud and sociopaths. Just in the path of this natural disaster.

In my opinion, that common feeling we all have to want revenge and to want to feel that we were the special one is human nature…just as the natural disaster that is a sociopath is of nature. I have to know I am special. Even if an earth quake or tornado shook or twisted my home off its foundation, I am still unique. Bad luck that a natural disaster ended up on my path, and I would go through all of the stages of grief if that happened. But, it would not be my fault. I was just there. And in the each natural disaster, people are just there. And each is special in his/her own way and no natural disaster can take that away.

Anyone who goes through a disaster knows that it takes time and perseverance and hard work to overcome it. It doesn’t happen overnight and it can often be a lifelong struggle depending upon how it affected an individual, special and unique person. But, it is just a group of molecules on a path of destruction as it moves through.

The sociopath is the same thing. A natural disaster…and no person is more or less special in its path. All are equally special and unique and loving and just ended up in its path. The only big difference is those of us who get ourselves educated about the sociopath can get away from the next one before it wreaks havoc.

sam

Excellent read! Good way to think of them for sure.

goodmorninglove

Fight for what’s right: That was just tremendous. And amazingly helpful. My SP was on the mild end of the spectrum, as well. And I have to admit, I love thunder and lightening, and for all the pain he brought, I loved the storm that was him, too.
I also look around me at the destruction in his wake, and I know that I was spared the brunt of the storm. He got my roof, but he leveled others. Much as he was exciting, I need to move inland.
Thank you for your wonderful perspective. It brought me so much clarity.

ThatGirl

I tried to help on some replevin cases, but I am afraid I am too late. He will just scrap or sell the bikes and get his new fiance to purchase him a new one so he doesn’t get caught. And you are right about the health issues. Their substance abuse catches up with them in their 40s and 50s, so just sit back and watch it happen.

fightforwhatsright

My sister’s ex spath who married a spath was bought by her. She bought him a new truck every year, boats, anything he wanted. When she first snagged him, she thought she was getting something and he thought he was getting something. It wasn’t real love. Her husband had just died and she had a ton of life insurance money. He wanted that money. She wanted to steal him from my sister because she could compare to my sister in no way and had wanted him since high school.

Now, over the past 18 years, she refinanced her paid-for home over and over to buy him and he took it all. He looks a thousand years older than he is, but is trapped by not wanting to pay child support for two kids she had to have (now she has five by three different men….including a murder suspect in a long ago cold case) and smoking and drinking himself to death.

Now, they live in a rental house and they have 13 years until retirement age. He still gets his trucks and boats and she drives her parents cast off cars. They will never really own a home ever again even though they both make good money. Sometimes, I notice their photos on my nieces FB page. Believe me, my sister got the good end of that deal. I think getting rid of one, or being able to stay neutral and deflect any you are around, takes years off of a victim.

Fight,
I love that analogy of comparing a spath to a tornado or other natural disaster!!! πŸ™‚

Things had been pretty quiet for our family,but I got a call from my youngest daughter that the oldest is suffering from all she has been through all these yrs;It makes me so sad I could cry.It seems like “the storm” hits in different ways,at different times.

Hopeforjoy

Fight,

Your analogy of comparing the spath to a natural disaster is spot on. They’re like a big hurricane and sometimes were are in the eye of the storm but mostly we’re trapped in the hurricane, waiting for it to blow over.

You are right about the spath and aging. I just saw the ex at my one of my son’s school events and the spath looked so much older than when we were together. His hair was totally gray and he looked old! I do hope that karma catches up with him but I know that I may never see justice happen.

fightforwhatsright

He doesn’t have you anymore. I think we all need to realize that losing US is justice. We have to have high enough self esteem to remember that.

goodmorninglove

What a strong response! You are such a badass! You should be blogging for teen girls. Your voice is very empowering.

NomorePTSD

I tell people that my biological mother is a hurricane! It’s so great to hear other people thinking on the same wavelength.

Justice is something I’ve been considering and pondering a lot, praying for revelation about. Ultimately justice can only be mimicked here on earth, where our judges and jurors are really just people with all sorts of their own issues like perhaps fear of the person they are judging? God just doesn’t have all that baggage, and He has the whole picture, and can see through all excuses. I’ve officially given my “trial” over to Jesus to be my lawyer, and so I’ve been able to rest my spirit from always fighting through what justice would look like. It feels so much more peaceful than having to always be looking over the evidence.

A way that I survived my upbringing was to constantly recount the evils done to me. . .over and over again as a way of living in reality. Because there was so many mental games it helped me to hold up against them and not become totally crazy or have stockholm syndrome. But that was a heavy weight to maintain. Finally, through many years of work I’ve been able to rest my case with God and trust that He’ll see to it that there’s perfect justice, something I couldn’t ever attain anyway. So much more peaceful this way! Plus there’s no statutes of limitation, God has no limits! AND there’s mercy, something I wouldn’t be able to have towards her, a mercy that’s brilliant because it’s totally married to justice. I can sleep now.

new_day

It has been 5 years since my marriage, and I am having a really hard time moving forward. I was recently taken back to all of the angry feelings again when I learned he has a new baby with the current girlfriend.

At first I put myself in her shoes and thought, I know what she’s probably going through right now, and actually feel sorry for her. I know what’s going to hit her like a ton of bricks one day when she finds out who he really is. A man with no emotions. A person who lies, cheats and steals any time there’s an opportunity that benefits himself. He doesn’t feel love for them any more than he did with me and our son.

Then I have an internal struggle with other emotions when I think, It’s just not fair that someone like that gets a new baby girl! Why does he get to continue to live such a care-free lifestyle? I am stuck in a moment in time when I learned I cannot trust again. I’m scared to ever fall in love again for fear I could find another one like him. Or should I say, they find me! Meanwhile for him, life is still a huge party and he has everyone around him fooled. He manipulates the people closest to him and then everything falls into place so easily for him.

It’s hard to be thankful that I have emotions and he doesn’t. He does not ever feel stress, or worry, or saddness, or guilt, or loneliness. But I do. Every day.

serenity12

New Day, I know exactly how you feel. I had heard that my ex was happy and the new GF was moving in. I was in a good place and then i heard that. Well, interestingly a weird karma experience happened and he emailed me out of the blue and said he missed me, wanted to see me, have sex etc…(some pretty vulgar emails) I responded with don’t you have a girlfriend moving in? He said no and he was just dating casually…..oddly the next morning I saw her driving his car(I had never met her) so I decided to flag her down….and showed her all the emails.

I thought my dream had come true in terms of revenge. But then she told me how long they were dating….there was about an 8 month crossover that I had no idea about, and neither did she. Even though hopefully it ruined thier relationship, I still wish deep down that I wouldn’t have heard about the crossover. its set me back quite a but emotionally. But on the other hand I may have saved her…. It was such a coincidence.

I know it hurt to hear about the baby but Donna’s right….he isn’t truly happy, neither was mine clearly as he was reaching out for me. I 100% WITHOUT a doubt believe that it wasnt just ME! He will do this to every single girl he dates. I was lucky to get some proof and closure on that. So just believe that your ex will do the same to everyone else…

New_Day

Just like you were fooled by him, so are others. The only difference between their path and yours is timing.

He crossed your path earlier than he crossed theirs, so you have moved on while they are still traveling along with him.

People who surround a predator all view them with their individual and unique mixture of agenda, need, morality, hormones, intelligence and other characteristics. What they comprehend, accept, disregard or condemn is based on so many multiples that are entirely out of your control. Focusing on the happiness you believe others are enjoying can make you feel robbed of your own. When you do so, he continues to retain power in your life.

Be careful to do all you can to impart caring and empathy to your son. Being the child of a morally deficient person can produce a genetic pre-disposition to predatory behavior so if you see that he fails to connect with cause and effect, and has little regard for the well-being of others, do what you can to help him realign his sense of joy from “getting” to “giving.”

I wrote a poem about my own journey with a predator…. it will appear in my upcoming book, Carnal Abusive Deceit, When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape. Hope it gives you some solace when rumination over his seeming “well-being” starts eating away at you. Instead of continuing to churn and burn, simply read the poem and get on with the joy in your life.

All of us who have been there, have faced what you’re going through. You are not alone.

Predatory Path

You lead your life down Predatory Path,
Strewn with victims in aftermath.
Manipulating lies, deceit abounds,
How truthful all your spinning sounds.

The chaos you cause others fails,
To reach your conscience, as hard as nails.
As empathy fails to penetrate,
You find, you stalk, then blame their fate.

You groom with charm, destroy their guard,
’Til time to pounce, when you gouge hard.
Conflicting lies, unleash your greed,
All they can do is cry and plead.

And wonder where stability went-
Unmasked, move on, their wholeness is spent.
As you skip down your path anew,
β€œA new” victim to travel to.

No, no, not you, not one so fair,
Those folks who shriek, how do they dare?
Diminish them for the world to see-
Add insult to their injury.

Construct a wall, isolate their pain,
Disrupting cries inhibits your gain.
Their public sorrow could do you in,
Exposure could stop your continued sin.

As enlightenment escapes,
Recent eyes that you’ve mated,
Who envision you’re gold,
Though you’re just fools-gold plated.

A new notch for your belt,
Receptive to your lies,
Another unsuspecting victim;
Will they also get wise?

Joyce

goodmorninglove

Thanks for sharing that.

new_day

Thank you all for your wise and kind words. I love this website for making me feel like a person with value.

Co-parenting with a sociopath is very difficult. As much as I hate how he is always wearing a different mask, depending on who his audience is, I am thankful that one of the false personas is a caring father of my son twice per month. I wish I could have less contact with my ex and just stay focused on guiding my son to be a good man. I am devoted to being the best mom I can be to him. However, there is a constant fear within me that my boy will grow up and choose the wrong path anyway.

In a perfect world, justice would be served and consequences would be paid and I would have a front row seat to watch it all come down on him. But instead, I will start trusting my gut when it tells me his life is not as great as it looks. His friends are probably scumbags like him. His debt will probably cripple him at some point. His girlfriend will uncover the truth when the time is right for her. And I pray that his kids will grow up to be healthy and strong and never become victims of a sociopath!

sam

Hi new_ day
I can relate to your feelings. I had only just given birth to our baby and that was after going through a hellish pregnancy only to find out he had gone and got his ex pregnant again on top of everything I had already been through it was like the biggest kick in the guts I didn’t want to believe it. Its been so incredibly painful and the whole time I have been asking myself the same questions as you have said. I think of the poor children never having a father that is stable and the kind of role model he will be and how many more lives will he destroy. I wonder also if my baby is at risk of growing up and becoming one also and I can’t help but feel guilt. There are so many questions I have but I know nothing is ever going to take anything back I can only move forward and be the best mother and role model I can possibly be and just forget it him as best as I can I just tell myself he is dead even if I have contact with him still I look at him as a different person these days.I just feel sorry for whoever else he gets hooks into and I am thankful I found out and im no longer a victim trying to make sense of things. Of course he kicked her out pregnant now she is on her own again and the cycle continues. Just know you are better off and at least now you have a chance to find somebody that will love you and treat the way u deserve to be treated. Bless you .

As unlikely as it may sound, the fact that he has a relationship with his son is probably good news. Abandoned children grow up to idealize the missing parent, regardless how grotesque their behavior was. As long as your ex’s involvement is not harmful to him, it gives your son the best possibility to make the distinction between a life of love or a life of shallow, disconnect.

Be sure to do all you can to fulfill your son’s need for plenty of hugs and caring. The good feelings that come from that kindness will be your legacy to him and will give you the best chance to outwit the demons that could be at play in the development of his moral reasoning.

Wishing you and your son a loving voyage through his childhood!

Joyce

new_day

Thank you Joyce!

DancingWarrior

Hello LF community,
Focusing on self-love is what I need help with, as tempting as it is to replay the sp’s awful actions.

I was very nicely fooled by me ex of a 20-yr marriage. Barely recovered, walked right in the spider’s web of a master sp con man. After only 3 months of being deceived, thankfully, I am reeling on a rolled coaster of hurt, betrayal, anger, and a LOT of self-blame.

I would like to know how others practice kindness to yourselves and give yourself the self-love that, in my case, made me an easy target to the sp. I have a LONG way to go. Now, I let myself feel the hurt and let myself cry. If I am exhausted because it feels I’ve been hit by a sledge hammer, I sleep. I look for a trusted g/f to go out for coffee. I do isolate as I don’t trust people now. I have paranoid reactions when I think I saw (his) moving figure walking toward the front door and freak out.

“We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.”

I will try to find a women’s support group, hopefully where face to face I have a voice about my inner demons and find care from supportive listening.

I will try to meditate daily, and each time I sit in silence I will ask for kindness into my life, just metaphorically envision that I have opened space and invited in kindness.

ANy time my mind wanders to him, and why this and why that, and how awful this or how deceptive that, I’ll catch the thought and say, it’s just a thought, and I don’t have to live there, and gently release it and try to feel my breath and feel my feet on the ground, right here, supporting me in my journey ahead, WITHOUT him.

The worst temptation is to indulge in memories of the seeming warmth from him — that’s when my brain goes in a screeching breaking point — the moments when he was affectionate, that deep voice whispering darling honey, the masculine embrace, the playful laughter and innocent jokes when we would meet for coffee and have huge grins to see each other. To have those memories flood my mind now, and know that it was all FAKE, while he was at the very moment stealing from me. The rage…

I understand the talk of the victims’ having normal human emotions of empathy and warmth, but the sp being hollow unable to have a conscience or feel love. Well…that just does not help me AT ALL. So what? It does not make it any easier for me to bear the betrayal.

DW

fightforwhatsright

Hi Dancing Warrior: You are doing a good job of crying and sleeping when needed. When I had money, I got massages to help with many things. I highly recommend reading every book you can find that has to do with raising your own self esteem. They will be packed full of ideas and ways of thinking that may be new to you. I have been to a lot of meetings, and probably Codependents Anonymous would be the best 12 step one for a victim of a spath. The meetings are for YOU and focusing on making sure you don’t end up doing too much in any relationship again. Also, check with any places in your community that may offer classes for women. A city close to where I live has a YWCA Women’s Resource Center where they offer Self Esteem groups that last for four months. You might also contact your local Mental Health Association as they offer many free/pro-rated groups. Another great option is your local Domestic Violence organization. Many of them now include verbal and emotional abuse as pre-requisites for attending their group meetings or receiving individual counseling. Donna also has written a new book that covers how to make sure you recognize a sociopath more quickly so you can get out of any new relationships if you decide to pursue one. Educating yourself if the best thing you can do. Read and see if you attend any of the groups I listed above. Education is something no one can ever take away from you. Reading and self-help groups are an education for people victimized by a sociopath. Once you have a plan of defense, no one can get through that. Check out the local library on line and find every book they have for raising your self esteem and confidence while also alternating with books that teach you how to recognize danger more quickly. Education is personal growth and could save you from moving on to the next one…something some of us older ones have done too many times.

therose

I get lost in the memories at times. I thought i had found my soul mate, my life time partner. How hard it is to accept that he never truly loved me. But i go on. It hurts. It truly hurts. I pray. Alot. I ask my higher power for answers, for understanding. I don’t trust, yet I wish I had someone, authentic to share my life with. I fear a life alone. I cry and I get angry. Sometimes a lonely existence. then I’m happy to be without the drama. Then I feel alone again. I cannot fathom how one person, one very sick person has invaded my life and made me feel this way. I know, i make myself feel this way. I say, please God let me feel alive again. Good days, bad days. no one to understand. no one but the few that come to this site. God bless you all. you are NOT alone.

Lanie44

therose…..you said exactly my feelings. I have the same pain. No one understands until it has happened to them.

I have been reading this site for 3 of my 5 years of trying to get a divorce from my Spath. I have been to group therapy and individual counseling. Nothing has made me realize who I was dealing with more than this website.

I have never posted before, but when I saw your post, it connected with me so much, I had to reach out and touch you….I feel your pain and wish I could help heal all of you that have been touched by a Sociopath.

I am praying for you all and wishing you a Wonderful New Spath-free life!

Thanks Lovefraud!

swimmingupstream

Easier said than done: embrace the fact that we can’t turn off the switch because we’re not spaths. When I start down the path of stupid me didn’t see it coming or should have seen it coming — even though no one else did either — I think to myself, “Would I say that to a friend? To anyone?” No. I find it helpful, when I start thinking I should have had superhuman powers to see through the spath’s skillful deception, to imagine if I’d blame someone else the way I blame myself. Of course, we wouldn’t say such things to anyone else, and that helps me not say it to myself.

Also, I had to work really hard on not apologizing to others for needing their help and support through the aftermath of the spath. Literally, I still have to hold my tongue when I find myself starting to say, “I’m sorry,” for reaching out for support.

We can be as kind to ourselves as we are to others as one way to take care of ourselves. I was surprised how often I was blaming myself for not seeing he was a spath! I still do, but less often.

I don’t know if the sharp sting and pain from knowing the spath’s not being held accountable goes away. Maybe it lessens or is less frequent over time…I hope so. When I find myself feeling angry or sad that the spath got/gets away with it, I try to focus on doing something I enjoy each time his name comes into my head. It doesn’t always work, but I find sometimes is better than never.

This site is a blessing. Like others said, you’re not alone here.

salvation2012

swimmingupstream, I still can feel guilty for asking for help as well. Actually its more along the lines of believing others think that I should be healed by now… they have no idea what it was like to be in that situation and even if you explain it, or try to, it doesnt sink in for anyone who has not been there. I say it was like one of those Lifetime tv movies, but in real life and nobody can grasp it.

Thanks for posting πŸ™‚

swimmingupstream

Hi Salvation2012. I think it’s interesting people think they have to understand it to be supportive. We can’t understand living through a tsunami, but we’re still supportive of those who did. A court expert, who is a trauma specialist in trauma and jury psychology, said people don’t want to believe it because that makes it possible it could happen to them and that’s too overwhelming to them :/

I hope so much you find some comfort and relief. You don’t deserve what happened to you! Wishing you moments of peace πŸ™‚

Stargazer

When I read this article, I am reminded that there is SO much injustice in the world. So much that has happened to me, so many betrayals…. At some point, I made a choice to start letting some of these things go. The more people I “forgive” (i.e. let go of my resentment toward), the easier it becomes and the more I see the value in doing it with everyone. Both of my parents were disordered and they inflicted so much damage on me and my sister. I made a conscious choice to forgive them. My sister never did, and she suffers so much from her anger and resentment – it eats away at her health and her ability to form healthy relationships. I want to live my life with peace and joy. It has taken me many years to realize that I can’t control what other people do, and I myself make a lot of mistakes. I go through a process when upsetting things happen. I ask myself logically what I need to do with this situation to restore peace. Do I need to say something? Do I need to take action? Is there nothing I can do? Or can I forgive them/myself and let it go? But it no longer feels “normal” to live in bitterness and resentment. When I start feeling like that, I know I need an attitude adjustment.

I know what it’s like to feel completely devastated in life, having grown up in a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive family. I have taken it as a personal challenge to overcome and live a healthy life filled with peace and joy. I am mostly there. Recently, I had a major disappointment with a man. I sat down and thought about how I want to handle it – logically. I could go the Jerry Springer route and create a lot of drama over it, cutting off the man and all of our mutual friends, nitpicking all the things he did wrong, feeling sorry for myself, and feeling bitter that at 52 I’ve never been married. I could go down that road. I’ve been down that road many times. This time I decided to just feel the hurt as a step on my path to wholeness. I chose to look at this man as the catalyst to helping me heal. Instead of cutting him off, I decided to keep him as a friend (he’s not a spath – he’s a kind and decent man). It turns out he is a wonderful friend, able to handle my pain and all my feelings. And I’m able to thank him for coming into my life and being a catalyst for my healing. It really takes a total attitude adjustment to come into this frame of mind. But the more I am able to do this, the more joy and peace I feel, and the more true friends I have. Instead of viewing this as one more abandonment, one more disappointment with men, I see it as my taste in men improving, because this one is a decent and good man, though not available to me at the moment for reasons that have nothing to do with me. He has come into my life to help me heal my attraction to unavailable men. It’s amazing how once I put peace and happiness as my number one goal in life, how I have been able to change my behaviors, change my choices, change my attitude, and change my entire thought process. It’s like I’m constantly striving for the light, instead of hanging out in darkness. Darkness no longer feels comfortable for me. When my thoughts go toward revenge and fear, acting out, or avoidance, my energy level drops and I feel depressed. But when I shift my attitude to something more constructive, my energy is raised again. That is my barometer (how I feel) to know whether I am on the right path or not.

As totally ironic and unthinkable as it seems, I also believe that the sociopaths who came into our lives serve a particular purpose for US. We can turn the tables in our minds. Instead of remaining angry and bitter that we only served a useful purpose for THEM, we can actually thank them for giving us a wake-up call, for giving us a do-or-die choice to become healthier and stronger people. Even a sociopath can be seen as a gift but only if we so choose to look at it that way. We can choose to look at our lives any way we want, and the way we think about our lives will determine whether our energy level or our “vibration” is higher or lower. You can be in the worst pain of your life and have nothing, and still raise your vibration just by the way you regard your situation.

sam

Hi stargazer

I like your attitude and I agree with everything you wrote here thankyou for sharing your thoughts and writing this.Its so hard to see the positive in such a negative life changing experience but I do believe somehow it can be a blessing in disguise meeting these pyscho/s it really does give us an opportunity to transform our lives if we just make a shift in our mindset. I know the only way I got through my last experience was because of my spiritual beliefs otherwise I would probably still be in a world of kaos by hanging on to the ego based feelings. Let them go and hand them over to the universe to take care of.

Josephine

I am not a vengeful person but actually I didn’t have to wait long for Karma to kick in. After an 11 year transatlantic relationship which saw me investing thousands of dollars and a significant amount of emotional support, my exSociopath, discarded me last September without even a word of explanation. I found out he had moved on when he changed his FB status to ‘single’.

Of course I was absolutely devastated. His Mother tried to comfort and support me (from 4000 miles away) but she was very cagey about giving me any information about what had happened. I was kept in emotional suffering.

3 weeks ago his mother contacted me to say that he had been admitted to hospital with liver damage and extensive fluid in his abdomen due to alcohol abuse. He is now at home but cannot ever drink again. I have tried to speak with him to give him some support (fool that I am) but he has blanked me.

Last week his mother let slip this new women’s name. Turns out not only does she live next door to his parents in the same apartment block, he also lives in the basement of the block, but she has a very high profile job in the Government and is a rising star in the Republican party. His Mother says the relationship won’t last, especially as the new women is probably realising what she has on her hands. A bankrupt, alcoholic with mental health problems (ouch, that sounds bitter, but true).

So since he walked away from me, his health has deteriorated and the new women is thinking twice about her future I guess. Sadly her husband committed suicide 3 years ago after a lifetime of depression and her Father and brother are both alcoholics, so not only is she on familiar ground here but I am thinking that she really needs my sympathy. I hope she doesn’t leave it 11 years to remove herself.

It amazes me that these men can attract into their pathological web such successful and apparently ‘together’ women, but that’s a whole new topic.

Blessings to all who are suffering, together we will make it.

Barb

I think one of the hardest things about being victimized is that ‘other people’ don’t understand what we go through and tend to blame us. It is a ‘blame the victim’ world and it is unjustified and cruel.

My spath graduated from the same high school class I did, making it hard to avoid or ‘disentangle’ from her. To this day, whenever I bump into someone from that class they ask me about her and why I left the friendship. I have been compared to her (she always got her ideas from me, which is ironic) and they judge me as the jealous one who could not handle her success.

I am finally managing to say things like, “Why are you asking about her? It was decades ago. Are you still seeing the same friend after all these years?” That one works quite well because it puts the focus on them. If they aren’t still hanging around with their former friend I can ask them why.

Another thing I learned is how to answer is, “Why haven’t you ever attended a high school class reunion?” I usually say that I was out of town or did not receive an invitation. Then I will ask the interrogator to call me so that we can discuss the whole thing. Of course, no one does call. They go on believing what they want to believe.

As for the spath…with the ability to track anyone these days on the Internet I have noted her whereabouts so that if I went shopping in that area (or got a job there) I would be prepared if we bumped into each other.

The last thing I had heard was that she was very successful in her field (and it shocked me that she continued to define herself based on what I do…no word of lie).

On a positive note…this spath did not fool everybody from our high school class. Two people (one from her neighborhood) definitely saw her as evil and conniving. One of them, a guy, met me years ago and we had lunch. He said, “You were always so beautiful…and still are. She was on a beauty trip…”

And I have since talked to two other people who did ‘see the light’ after listening to me. They were shocked.

As one of my brothers said, “The real truth about people eventually is exposed…”

And a former counselor (male) told me, “She could not become you physically, so she tried to destroy what she knew she wasn’t.”

I am sure there are plenty of women out there who can relate to this story.

Stargazer

Sam, you may not see the positive in a situation. But even telling yourself, “I don’t see the positive in this situation but someday I will” or “I am determined to make something good come out of this situation” will raise your vibration. Just as an exercise, you can try on these different thoughts to see how they feel. Then you can try the thoughts, “He ruined my life. I will never feel better” and see how this feels by comparison. Same situation, different attitudes. And the difference can change how you get up to face the day. This is why people love that song “I Will Survive.” The message is a very positive one in spite of how angry she is in the song. Thoughts are very powerful. They are things unto themselves, and they have the power to create or destroy. And you can choose them – that’s what’s so awesome.

sam

Stargazer

Yes I very much agree with you again thoughts and words are very powerful. And I love that song and anything with strong empowering messages. And it was very difficult to see the positive in the beginning but I am determined to make a positive out of this situation one positive is moving forward,a new beginning and I am excited about what the future could have waiting for me. Thankyou πŸ™‚

salvation2012

Thank you so much for selecting my email as a topic for healing thoughts. Your article Donna, is very helpful, as well as the comments I am currently reading through. I have done a lot of soul searching since writing that email and am going to my first women’s group meeting this week who are recovering from abusive relationships. Writing also helps me process things and after writing many of my thoughts out, the incident last year started to feel more distant and removed from my self, like it was “out there” now, instead of defining me and where I am present day. I have also made the choice to start referring to my permanent injuries as where I am physically today, rather than “I was attacked and this is the result.” I accept now that seeing my limitations as a result of the attack last year only kept me in that moment, clinging to it, pointing my finger at it and afraid of it. I actually told my story to the intake workers last week without crying, I was amazed I wasn’t afraid of it any longer, as this was the first time I did not cry… it was just something that happened.

This does not mean I am healed, but hopefully taking another step forward… Thanks again for your help Donna and your site has been a tremendous resource… I hope I can pass it forward someday like you have for me and others here πŸ™‚

aotearoaangel

I know its not much but this is what comforts me. I love, I mean I LOVE from the tips of my fingers to the deepest part of my soul. I know how to do this, I do do it. I love my children this way. It is the mightiest most encompassing emotion. And yes I did give that to the wrong people from time to time but more right ones than wrong. I have that. I experience it. They NEVER can know what that is, indeed don’t seem to want to. But ohh what a life unlived is to not be able to do that in my opinion.
That is OUR gift that they wont ever ever have. I can almost pity them for that.
That and when I leave this life, I KNOW I’ve often made a positive difference, even if its just to one person at a time. And that is something Im forever grateful for.
That’s how I learned not to be overwhelmed bitter or angry. On dark days it sometimes isn’t enough but mostly it is, now……

Delores

fight,

Thank you for your analogy of psychopaths being natural disasters. I have been floundering under the confused belief that they are still human beings. It is impossible to reconcile that they are huuman because they simply are not human. They are missing every single trait that defines humanity. Even a slug has more meaning in life than a psychopath. It is very helpful to me to let go of trying to believe that it is in any way a human being. It clearly is not a human being, it is nothing more than a black hole pretending to be human. You have provided me with the release from yet another critical layer of the cognitive dissonance of psychopathy.

I knew it was not human and yet on some level I kept trying to fit it into some kind of subcategory of humanity. There is no subcategory of humanity where it fits. There is no subcategory of any living organism where it fits. It is nothing but an anomaly, nothing more or less than a natural disaster that blows in and blows out disapating into its own nothingness.

It is no different than if my daughter was carried off by a tornado along with my grandchildren. I must grieve the loss and let it go. There is no figuring out why or what I could have done to prevent it. She was simply sucked into the vortex of nothingness that is her father and now she has become her own vortex of nothingness…a cruel and violent nothingness that terrifies me but does not define me.

She used to be my precious little girl and now she is gone. I can pray but not hope that she is only temporarily caught in his vortex of evil and not her own. I can pray that my sweet loving grandchildren survive, be there for them as much as I am allowed and let them know that I will love them forever.

But I can never again try to reconcile a psychopath with even a discordant form of humanity. I think there is some spiritual healing in that recognition.

fightforwhatsright

Betsybugs: Thank you very much for your loving, human comments given to me. Your words are a gift to me today as I am a very isolated person and this is the best place I have found to give my deepest thoughts a voice.

I am sorry for your loss concerning a disastrous sociopath and glad you can separate him from the role of “human” and love and care for his victims without his non-human being taking up more of your time than necessary. It helps me to picture mine as an old robot. I have also gone through a phase where I have nicknamed him a feral foster monkey. Human like, but never going to make it to full human mental/emotional status in any way, shape, or form. They are molecules, cells, water, etc. born as human, but not grown as human.

I can’t take credit for the first reminder of Cognitive Dissonance here on lovefraud. Although I have been using that phrase to describe myself for years, it was mentioned here first by someone else. I believe Imara brought it up the other day in discussing the new DSM and I found her comments very insightful as far as the mental illnesses, or attributes, we develop while trying to figure out a sociopath. Have a peaceful day. We all deserve peace during and after the
disaster” rips through our lives.

The parental height of devastation occurs when a psychopath passes on the genetic pre-disposition to psychopathy to their offspring. As parents we can’t imagine the horror of losing our children. Even though a psychopathic child continues to exist, the bonds of love that should accompany that existence are shattered and the living loss of a child can be excruciating.

When we lose a loved one to illness or accident, we can grieve that loss and ultimately reduce the pain to a corner of our lives where it has less impact on our joy. But when the loss repeats itself day after painful day, through the repetition of hatred, anger, distortion,or rift, the pain is constantly being renewed. People around us do not necessarily see this loss as something that we need to grieve.

It takes great effort and courage to acknowledge that there is nothing more that can be done and to come to terms with the fact that you did all you could, and let it go.

Having been through a similar situation with my son,I wanted to pass along my hopes for you to grieve your loss and allow joy back into your life once again.

Wishing you the best!
Joyce

Heartbroken Mom of 1

Joyce:

I have been through the pain, tears, torture and heartbreak with my son on and off for over 13 years. No more. I know most of the woman had husbands that were sociopaths but my own flesh and blood is one. I believe it is easier, though still painful, for them to not have any contact with their ex’s than it is for a mother to never see her child again. I can not tell you how my heart is broken, but after many years I have finally faced the fact that trying to be in his life is just self-destructive and my health has been affected by it all. He has no concept of what love is and he abused my love and care for him over the years. I wish I lived far away from him because I know someday I will probably run into him and the pain will start all over again. And then there is my family, who still get together with him at family gatherings though I won’t attend. Sometimes it feels like a nightmare, the cute little boy I loved, cared for, dedicated my life to, could become what he is-a liar, deceiver, manipulator and calculator-and so very good at it, too. So very sad…

graceous

Tangling with a sociopath as your boss in a work situation makes it so difficult to let go. Of course, boss is suffering no consequences, and I have been unemployed for over six months, and wondering if I will ever get a job. I am a professional person, I and I have never, ever had a problem getting a job. I even did work to protect myself by filing a complaint against the sociopath and that resulted in an assurance from the former company that the boss was told to not speak about me. But, how can I know if that is what is going on? Prospective employers, as I continue to get job rejections, are not speaking. The company has a neutral work verification # I give, but they can still contact he boss if they do some digging. Prospective employers ask you sign a release, boss could still say anyway.

Everything I have worked for all my life financially is being taken away, my savings for retirement, what is next? My house going into foreclosure? Months of pain over the unfairness of this, the lies. Unwanted unemployment. Unemployment benefits only last so long. The glaring hole in my resume f working at a job for only five months, now a six month gap in unemployment and, although I have a good explanation, excellent references,I am not getting hired. I even never got hired for a big opportunity after two interviews.

I have had no income since February and am at the point of hopeless, my career condemned, and what did I do at my last job: I worked hard and never missed a day. Work situations are even more difficult, in some days.

fightforwhatsright

Graceous, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I also had a very big struggle at work. I became a whistleblower and because someone anyone could bully and got very ill, lost my career, etc. I am lucky in one sense. A doctor had taken me off work for a disability break while I still worked there, so I could get long term disability for two years after they fired me.

I am going to recommend a book called, “The Bully at Work.” It may be at your local library. I read it while I was going through my situation. However, I think it would be very helpful in raising your self esteem back up in reference to work and it gives ideas about finding a job during and after dealing with one.

I know rent, food, etc. are of the utmost importance in this moment, so I would like to recommend that you see if you can find 2-3 people in other departments who will be references for you…especially people who may be at higher levels than you were in the company hierarchy. I had many bullies by the end. But, even one can make you feel as if everyone was against you because they won’t speak up. However, some may be willing to be called as a good reference as long as you make it clear you will let no one at that company know they are helping you. Also, one thing my sister did when she was forced out after noticing accounting fraud after a company was taken over by one of those new types of companies where the people get a salary for taking a company into bankruptcy while saying they are going to help. My sister was married so had a different last name than my Mom. She HAD actually worked at the same company as my Mom, so she used my Mom as a reference and got a really good job. If you have any family members (aunts, uncles and cousins would be even better) who are also professionals and would be willing to be called as professional references for you, that could be helpful.

Typically, HR is only allowed to give the dates you worked there. But, you have to have references you can trust and prospective employers do their best to call supervisors and get more information. A sociopath is not going to help you with that. It IS illegal for someone to lie about you to a prospective employer, but each state has different laws about that. I have heard of people (in states where it is OK to record someone without their permission) having a friend, attorney, or private investigator, call the culprit and ask for a reference. If a bad one with lies is given, the tape can be used to sue the person. However, these days, that would be a long road of stress and you just want a job. So I would recommend you think of three people there who would be willing to give you a good reference (discuss with them that less is more and they just need to say that you were a great worker with a few of those key phrases prospective employers want to hear) and when the app asks for your supervisor’s name, “forget” to fill in that part. Just some ideas so you can think outside the box and figure out what will work best for you.

Probably the best idea is a temp service or head hunter…depending on what type of position you held before. When I left a job once and didn’t want to give references (left because boss was having sex with the other assistant and he was a coke addict), I went to work for a temp service and got offered jobs based on the work I did. When people asked me why I left my previous job, I told them I wanted to try out working at several new companies by actually working there a few weeks to choose the best new career path for me as well as seeing if I could offer more of my professional skills to a new company. Temping pays the bills and it IS a good way to watch for the red flags of a sociopath boss and move on to the next company. Good luck to you.

shanamarie

I just want to say that it does get better and the sociopath usually has to face some consequences at some point. I remember thinking to myself how could he be so happy with someone else and how it worked out so great for him after the fraud, identity theft, denial our child even existed, cheating, abuse, prostitution…the list goes on and on for him. The truth is he will be in the same position with the next person, given the right amount of time. My spath is finally in federal prison for fraud. Funny enough he is having an attorney still file things against me while he is in prison in regards to a child he hasn’ tried to see in over a year. I lost everything I have had (house, job, my identity-id theft), but I finally have rebuilt from his destruction after years of healing. I am thankful that I went through it, because it brought me to where I am out right now. I have a new career, have rebuilt my credit, have slowly built some ounce of trust for men, and am just very blessed. It taught me to be a fighter. The sociopath, when they are done with you, will always find new targets. I now feel sorry for the new women he continues to manipulate (from prison:)). Eventually though, the truth makes its way out, and the spath usually gets exposed for who they are, even if it takes years.

graceous

Fight, thank you for much for your response. I am familiar with the book ‘The Bully at Work’, will see if I can find it in my library or at the library, and revisit it. As far as references, that is something I am confident about. I have at least three solid references, and really five. Two are with the most recent former employer. I also have a very plausible reason as to why I left my last position. It is really the truth, although the ex boss would give a different and twisted explanation.

It is still the question: will they call the ex boss and what will be said? Thought of hiring a pro reference checking firm, but that’s an expense. I only have one relative. There is no family to be of help here. Another question is — is is what ex boss is saying or just a really tight job market? All I know is that I passed a very demanding background check last spring for the last job, and nothing has changed with my background, except the circumstances of the last job. So, anything negative in my background would have to do with the last job, I am thinking.

I am currently looking for temp work, as well as part-time work. In my heart of hearts I am a creative person, so at least I can say that this situation has allowed me to put more time into that, but making that translate into quick earnings is not going to happen any time soon.

I wish some prospective employers would understand that having even a lower-paying job is better than no job. Really! But, assumptions are made. I did apply for a government job and checked the box for wanting to receive copies of background investigations. Will be very curious what that says, if and when I receive it.

I am not at the financial desperation point yet, and, being a homeowner or I need to remember I have options: take on a housemate, rent the house out for income. Could probably qualify for food stamps too. I am an older person, and it tears me up that I am using my retirement savings to pay for this.

fightforwhatsright

Could be age discrimination. They get away with it even though it is illegal. I have a home that had the garage converted into a big room with full bath when I bought it. I made a large closet into a mini kitchen, had a separate entrance door put in and a piece of painted plywood up between the door into my home and got separate heating/air out there and it’s been an apartment now for decades. It can also be done with a master bedroom. I have been able to keep my house because of it and I don’t have to have a room mate I live “with.” It’s more like a duplex situation. That is where the spath lives right now. But, I have had some wonderful female room mates over the years. THAT is an interview process to find the right person. It’ worth a thought. It can be tiresome, but I am determined to hang on to this house.

I am glad you have references. I would try not to put the spath boss’s name on your applications. Make it more difficult for them to call. I hope you will keep us posted on how it goes for you. It would be nice if you could translate your skills into a home business…

graceous

Yes, yes, it is part age discrimination. Old enough to collect SS next year, though hope I do not have to. I can set up my house to basically make it somewhat separate. The tenant would have the back room with private entrance and a bonus sitting room. No common walls. Only thing shared would be kitchen and bath and neither requires going through my area either. And I would insist on someone who works during the day. Yep, racking my brains to figure out a home business I can start. I am a music person, and there are many avenues. Maybe its time to go for what I really want. I think I am going to get the room prepared tomorrow. Well keep everyone posted.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Graceous: For some reason,the system wouldn’t let me reply to your last post, so this is ending up above your last post, I think. Remember that when you get your Social Security next year if it is time, you can still work. A lot of people on Social Security work part time to make ends meet above and beyond Social Security. You will also be eligible for Medicare which makes a big difference. Keep us posted about the room mate possibility.

Corie

This is really striking a responsive chord for me in so many aspects. I am on disability, and already lost everything, but my health is better, and faith clearer.

I am currently seeking a room/space in a home, as an option. I have always had a heart for people/animals, and sharing the knowledge that no one can relate to inhuman psycho-bots with those who are sentient beings, is a huge plus. Psycho-bots have no sense of the worth or meaning of a living being.

I have a writing/business/creative background, especially with regards to the music industry, and also a bit with fundraising/special events. I am on the northwest side of Chicago.

I think that creating your own sideline will help not only your resume, but help you re-invent and articulate who you are now.

I think like-minded people need to find new ways to work together, like we are already doing. We have the internet at our disposal, and infrastructure makes the world go round. It’s just getting to/from/with what is needed.

The best revenge is living well. Also, consider the old scripture saying “Don’t cast your pearls before swine, because they will trample them under foot, and then turn and attack you.”

The thought I had is this: A pearl and a kernel of corn are about the same size. From a distance, they look about the same. But one pearl could buy many bags of corn. The “swine” only cares about filling their appetites as quickly as possible. We know the beauty and worth of a pearl, and a bag of them is an easier load to carry. So – travel light!

Is there a way to network with other interested people from this site? Still finding my way around computer stuff….

fightforwhatsright

Corie: You are making changes and starting anew. Thank you for sharing your story.

Holly M Colino

A failure to take accountability keeps the nature of the act bottled inside. We have all had some unfavorable or embarrassing actions but it is when we take accountability and embrace some humility that we release the negate emotions and grow courage. The act is still known to a Sociopath and their alibis to be a negate and shameful act even though they are lacking consciousness in their behavior. The Sociopath stays weak and weakens themselves by failure to take accountability. The Sociopath will also not grow courage. They will begin to create trails of havoc and it will come back to them. The Sociopath will also continue to repress more rage and self hatred that in turn will eventually be out of their control. Some Sociopaths don’t really think about any type of consequence. One case, a Sociopath filed a false report and a false report with two other public entities. The information became public information and it eventually led to many third parties. The information then proceeded to an appeal process. In the act of the false allegation made by the Sociopath he waved a lot of the information staying private. The Sociopath also decided to post about the situation via a social media forum where hundreds of people were looking, cut copy and pasting. The Sociopath helped get himself exposure for what he really was.

fightforwhatsright

Interesting…in effect, the spath got himself in trouble unable to keep his mouth shut. Maybe too much Narcissist in him.

The spath (the one whose behavior helped me with finding this site) in my life enjoys doing the wrong thing. He will lie. I know he is lying. Sometimes I tell him I don’t believe him. Sometimes I observe him like a wormy, little science specimen just to see how he reacts when he thinks he has “gotten away with it.” He gets a little grin and a twinkle in his eye afterwards. He looks like he is a child actually. I think lying and feeling he got away with it reminds him of some childhood memories where lying was an achievement instead of a societal downfall or a weakness as you cited. They can be interesting to just observe if you don’t get to invested in them.

serenity12

Hey everyone, I’m wondering if I can get some pearls of wisdom for how I’m feeling today. First off I have really been working hard with great success in loving myself and taking care of myself and its been working. I’ve finally been able to let go of “convincing” my ex psychopath that I am not crazy he was… and I don’t really care anymore! Mainly due to the education from this site.

In feeling great I’ve been able to remain “no contact” for the most part besides the fact that after he reached out for sex I ran into his new GF driving his car and flagged her down and told her!! I also decided to message the mother of his child to warn her just how dangerous this man is to have in front of their child(who I am still grieving over)

So as a way of “getting me back” he convinced this recent girlfriend and his baby momma that I was crazy and harassing them and he proceeded to tell a few friends of mine(as we run in the same circles) who have contacted me saying they have spoken to him and wants me to stop harassing him and his family????? Its SO nuts!!

I don’t CARE what he thinks of me he KNOWS I am crazy…. I don’t even care what his GF and his baby momma think as they are so brainwashed too….but he has leaked it to my friends that I am HARASSING him! All because he got caught by karma!

He’s making threats like “You don’t want to put yourself in a bad situation here” my ex and all your friends are at their wits end with you… I feel like I’m in a horror movie here…

I thought seeking revenge by pulling this woman over and warning her would teach him a lesson in karma (and I don’t believe she stayed and just believes I’m crazy…I think she took off and that’s why he’s doing this) And I also thought his baby momma would RESPOND in URGENCY with a wake up call about how psychopathic and dangerous this man is….instead no response and he tells me that she wants me to stop harassing her?

I’m so confused here….This is all SO F*&K$D and not anticipating this at all!! I appear to be like a total nut ball to friends and family and he’s convinced them that “she needs help…help her”

I’m at a loss…
Thanks:)

graceous

Serenity, this seems like a difficult situation, and I am sure someone else can reply in more depth. But, no contact has to mean no contact. It is a useless waste of energy to try to fix him in any way, shape, or form, and it is not your job to warn others. They will find out in their own time. Its difficult, and yes, people do get brainwashed, its hard to see this, but I doubt if they will remain brainwashed. The truth will out. The focus needs to be on you and how you are providing for yourself.

fightforwhatsright

Serenity: When in doubt, PROTECT YOURSELF ONLY. Your personal friends are either your friends who know you or they aren’t and if they aren’t, it doesn’t matter what they think or if they are even choosing sides.

I would suggest looking at the larger picture here. People have their own lives to live. Some of them may be warning you and know he is a problem, but don’t want him turning on them. Some may be gossiping because they are bored. Either way, I would recommend not trying to convince anyone of anything. Keep to yourself for a few days. Don’t answer your phone or door unless you know who it is and they don’t want to be involved in this “he said, she said” stuff.

Go to the library and get as many books as you can about Narcissists, Sociopaths (review Donna’s book if you have it, or buy it if you don’t have it), and abusive people. The GF may not have left him, but your revelations are probably causing a great deal of conflict and questioning…just like we have all done with a spath.

These types of emotionally and physically dangerous situations are why I keep suggesting sending information anonymously if one feels the need to warn or seek revenge.

I learned a very good acronym in Al-Anon: HALT – If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, HALT everything. Rest. Stop your mind from spinning. If anyone calls you about what he is saying, trying saying, “I’m not really sure what’s going on. I am staying away from him. I do not feel good around him or with him knowing anything about me. I hope my friends will respect that I don’t want to talk about him right now.”

Most of all, get back to you. What do you want to do today that does not involve him, his GF, his baby, or talking to anyone about him? I am reading a Patricia Evans book right now. It is the most recent…I think released last year. I can’t remember the exact title, but it is about surviving verbal and emotional abuse. It is a very good book with affirmations and personal thinking “exercises” to get back to you.

Because we love, or once loved, the spath, a tiny part of us still believes we are dealing with a human being. We are not. They can be dangerous. It is not our job to save the world and to let the rest of the world know we did it. Some big secrets can be kept or told here anonymously to people who understand.

If you see any future victims, or you see him ever again, count to 100 before doing anything. Keep yourself out of his radar. People can call you crazy all they want. They can’t do anything about it. No one gets hospitalized or anything like that these days unless they run through the streets acting crazy. So, even if he has convinced everyone you know that you are crazy, no one can do anything to you. But, I would stay away from anyone he is with in the future. Hopefully, he will get busy with his many problems in life and forget about this, but you don’t want him to talk this GF into a restraining order against you or anything. Stay away from them and don’t talk to another person about it starting now…except for us. Don’t admit you flagged anyone down, or talked to anyone to anybody….even people you think you can trust in your life. Talk about it only here. We all know what it must have felt like to flag down his victim and tell her the truth. It was probably exhilarating. But, THIS is the downside to that and you want to avoid THIS.

Act as if it never happened and do something for yourself. Try to stop talking about him/them with anyone except us for a few days. Don’t let his threats panic you. If they followed through on half their threats, we would have twice as many jails as we do now. Let him cool down and don’t give him any second or third hand ammunition to point any more rage your way.

What are you interested in doing, reading, watching, planting, painting, listening to for YOU right now? Pretend there is no him right now.

Libby

OMGoodness this is the best advice ever. These relationships are so toxic.

After getting away from my ex, I struggled mightily to reconcile my need to validate that I knew this man was mean, crazy, entitled and getting away with it.

In order to finish the divorce, I finally decided to settle for nothing because he fought me on everything.
It was clearly a game he delighted in. He was even mad at me for just wanting out with nothing. I was learning to disengage….slowly. It was hard.

Then he tied me up in court with ridiculous lawsuits for several years. It was for financial punishment. I’d spend a fortune to answer his allegations, then he’d drop the suit..
I was in my own private Hell. People don’t understand and it is impossible to explain. Right?
I was diagnosed with PTSD, and still have flashbacks 13 years later !
I just wanted to share something that has helped a lot. I recently decided to block him on Facebook. We weren’t friends but I couldn’t resist taking a peek to see if had finally been discovered and punished for his deeds.
Newsflash for me…. it probably won’t happen. It was a seemingly silly thing to do, to block him. But has resulted in taking away an avenue for my curiosity and has given me the peace of mind that he cannot see me. It was wonderful to finally remove the tiny tread of connection.
Of course, I have some demons to deal with, but that was big step in taking care of myself.
Please take care of yourself. You will find your way…promise.

fightforwhatsright

Libby,

It is amazing what some of them will do to ruin a victim who just figured them out! My sister went through that court thing and spent a ton of money on nothing but a spath and his next wife who was also a spath. Double spath attack! It can truly drive one crazy.

Your sharing, great advice about social media, and kind words will help many people today. They have helped me. Thank you.

Carrie

It may seem a very small thing to do to get back our self esteem but I also found, like Libby blocking on facebook has really helped me.Six months of no contact and this time I haven’t felt the want to get in touch but still I was hoping for some sort of validation from him. I blocked him 2 months ago and not seeing or caring what he is doing has helped me to get some distance and perspective. There are still moments when i find myself looking at my phone for the validation but they are less intense and getting less and less. Small steps but better than being stuck in reverse

fightforwhatsright

Carrie: I think you’ve made an excellent point. Blocking in every way possible is a good way to stop the adrenaline and start to end the addiction.

I also like your statement that something may “seem small” when it isn’t. It helps to remind me that a small step of blocking spath behavior counts.

I have a spath in my life to some degree. I have begun blocking him in different ways. He likes to watch certain TV shows with me. I allow it a few times a week. I used to put up with nonsense. I began to notice how every time he came over, he asked for something. He was out of coffee, filters, something….seemingly small things, but I’m not rich either. And I think it is just a game anyway.

He is on a walker so I do all shopping, laundry and cleaning for him. He always runs out of coffee. He uses his money for things he doesn’t need and expects me to pick up the slack like mommy did. Last month, I got him two cans of coffee. So what did he do? He drank twice as much coffee!

He is an addictive personality to the max. I noticed the constant making of coffee and mentioned that I had been hoping that two cans of coffee would last six weeks and he would be ahead then if he purchased a can a month. He ignored me. I told him that I was not a bank or a grocery store and if he ran out of things before pay day, he would go without. He ignored me. I am doing more work for him right now and I get a little extra money for it, but not that much. He’s old and broken. He doesn’t have much.

Tonight, I asked him if he wanted to watch a show we both like. I honestly rarely enjoy time with him, but he enjoys time with me so I allow it to get the rent paid. About an hour in, he says, “Oh yeah, do you have any coffee?” I actually have very little real coffee as I only drink decaf. However, a friend who visits every once in a while drinks real coffee, so I still had a little which I was not going to give to the spath. He has “borrowed” several pounds of coffee over the last couple of years and I’m sick of it. I am proud that I finally continue to show him that there are consequences to his decisions. I said, “You drank all of that coffee? Remember when I told you that you were going to run out even though I bought twice as much as you requested?” He said, “Oh, now you’re going to scold me! I knew it,” and became very agitated. I said, “Well, if you knew it, why ask me? You are making me feel very uncomfortable. I think I will watch the rest of this show by myself. I drink decaf. I don’t even know if I have any real coffee.”

He left. It’s a relief. I used to argue for so long. Explain consequences. Spend way too much time trying to mother a 58 year old man whose mommy took care of him until he was 32. I don’t want to be his spoiling mommy any more.

I first picked up on this site by investigating Narcissism. I believe he is a narcissistic sociopath fueled by the illusions mommy fed him about himself. He is no prize in any way, shape or form. He is rent money. HE, however, thinks he is a prize! It is like watching someone very delusional to observe him. It is as if he believes I owe him coffee! Or anything else he gobbles up.

I am just sharing this here because it is nervewracking to a degree. But, tonight, I am proud that I let the sociopath learn by consequences of his own making. Thank you to everyone who helps me here on a regular basis.

salvation2012

This may have already been said in other replies to you, but no contact does not only apply to your ex spath… it applies to anyone he is in contact with, friends, family even comments on Facebook or twitter. As much as you may want to warn a new girlfriend, keep your boundaries and do not do it. You have to act like you never knew him and therefore it doesnt matter who he is with nor what he is doing… hang in there and stay away. HUGS

Meredith

Carrie

I agree totally,as tempting as it may be to warn the next victim, I know until I was ready I wouldn’t have listened – cognitive dissonance etc all takes a while to work out. I’m lucky as it helps I live 60 miles away and have no contact with any of his “friends” or any ties with him – the way I feel is that to him I no longer exist and in a way that’s true because I’m diffrerent now.
With regard to them being able to move on so easily, if you don’t have many feelings it is easy and as for Karma whilst I would never wish anyone unhappiness the chances are this person was unhappy when you met them, whilst you were with them and will be in the future. I’m fairly sure their lives are not happy and full of misery but of course they will always portray themselves to the outside world as ‘sorted, cool and together’ not sure that having to pretend that much could be fun…..and it’s sure not real. All smoke and mirrors.
New to this forum but great to be able to share experiences and hear of so many people who are ‘living well’ despite or maybe because of their close encounters.Wishing everyone happiness xx

fightforwhatsright

Carrie: So glad you are here. Your comments are helping me today. Thank you.

toknowimok

This article is very helpful, thanks Donna. In the beginnings of my depression, most of my friends asked me if I believe in karma. I just really don’t know. It’s not what I want, not even now. Yes I’m angry. When I think about what he did to me, I utter a few choice words, you can imagine what those are. Our last contact via email, he said to me “I’m really sorry this affected you this way” that’s the equivalent of “I’m sorry you feel that way” which does what? Absolve him of any accountability? I mean he initiated the long distance phone “relationship”
He called and texted every day charming me and leading me on. How was I supposed to react? I fell for the illusion. Karma? Not really thinking that way , I just think I’d be better if he actually took responsibility for his part. I know, not gonna happen. But instead of feeling vengeful and wishing bad consequences on him, all I want to do is forgive and move on. It’s hard to do now with all this anger I still feel. Possibly hatred too, but I’m back and forth on that. He referred to it as a “mistake” and an “error”. I wonder why, if that’s true, he kept it going for so long.

fightforwhatsright

Hi toknowimok:

I’m with you about Karma. I hate it when people talk about it. My sister throws that word around a lot. When something good happens to her, it’s Karma. When something bad happens to her, it is the fault of someone else. I think when the sociopath gets us so down and sick, we then feel even worse if we think of Karma. I don’t deserve for someone to lovebomb me when he wants something and then withhold any positive attention when he doesn’t get what he wants, or just because he feels like it. I am going to stick with my natural disaster theory when it comes to sociopaths and narcissists. They are not humans with human feelings. If there was Karma, they wouldn’t be able to hurt nice people over and over.

Libby

Great word ‘Lovebomb’ it is perfect. I sometimes say collateral damage.. Are these Military analogies ? Haha

I guess so, because it can be equated to War with PTSD, fear, anxiety, dodging the bullet and destruction. These are devious opponents who will randomly ambush and take you
hostage. All the while causing mental torture. πŸ™‚ Finally, battle fatigue. Too perfect huh ? Haha Of course, started by your fabulous word. LOVEBOMB. !

fightforwhatsright

Hi Libby, I can’t take credit for love bombing. I found that word here. I imagine it is a phrase Donna came up with. It truly says what they do, doesn’t it?

I truly appreciated your comparisons about being at war with the PTSD, Depression, Agoraphobia, etc. that a sociopath (or group of them or any other natural disaster) can bring on. It certainly can be a second by second battle when the bad takes over.

I just watched a show on the Science channel studying the brain. They showed that by watching a person’s brain signals and asking him to choose to squeeze something in his left hand or right hand as he pleased, they could predict a full six seconds which hand he would choose to squeeze the object, BEFORE he did it. They could predict his choice by measuring the areas of his brain activity. So they knew which one he was going to choose before he was aware of it. Pretty amazing. He went through several experiments about the brain. I found myself feeling uncomfortable that I have so little control over my own brain. But, I also felt better realizing no one else does either!

I am going to continue to work at retraining my brain in any way I can. This website, the sharing and caring here, and the fascinating articles are all helping me do that.

toknowimok

Hi fight! Most definitely agree with you! I love your natural disaster analogy. Very astute πŸ™‚ I think my next big step in my healing process will be to let go of the anger and forgive him and myself. Easier said than done. I need to feel the anger a bit longer, because I want to allow myself that human emotion and work through it before I can let it go. Oddly I sometimes dont feel justified in the anger because of what has been mentioned in this thread often: I still think of him as human. So frustrating to be stuck in that mindset. So first I have to forgive myself. For not seeing his true intentions. Base intentions. For falling hard and fast . For expressing affection to someone who didn’t want it. For being that open and loving and not being able to rein it in. Then I can forgive him I’m sure once I’ve taken care of myself. He won’t know. He won’t care, I get that. Forgiving him is for me, not him. I’m not there yet. But I don’t need him to know I’m ok. (hence my username)

fightforwhatsright

toknowimok: You will get there because you will love yourself now. Loving myself more than the disastrous spath has been so hard, but I will get there. Who wants to love a natural disaster? We hate them. They ruin lives and kill people. I am glad my analogy helped you. They aren’t human, so as soon as we realize that just because they look like humans, doesn’t mean they are, we can get over a disaster better than a human looking creature who tore through our lives.

toknowimok

Thanks fight! Yes, I’m still grappling with feelings of worthlessness,although logically I understand that i am not worthless. It’s tough right now. Thank God for therapy, family, friends, and of course lovefraud.com! I’m definitely not in a place to start dating again, that’s for sure. That possibility seems so remote right now, but it’s better this way now. I need to take all the time I need to feel good about myself again

salvation2012

I like what you said, this is starting to make sense to me πŸ™‚

Meredith

salvation2012

The thing about karma I was referring to is not that it brought 2 people together its more “what goes around comes around.” I am seeing that is an error of belief in some ways as that would mean my being assaulted severely was in return for me having done horrible things… I am finally starting to see that my wishing for some sort of karma to step in is wishing for revenge, which means I still care, which I do not. So after reading this post and comments, and attending my abuse support group, I am detaching even further to the point he doesnt exist anymore. I think I indirectly wanted him to know I was doing ok by having my facebook public for quite a while now, but I just made it private again because it doesnt matter. Baby steps

fightforwhatsright

Wow, Salvation2012! This is a great post. Congratulations on your hard work as you continue to get out of its path. If I ever have the capability to have a love relationship again, I am going to be looking for a “goal mate” and not a “soul mate.” Someone who has the same life beliefs and goals I do and who wants to journey towards those goals with me.

hope52

Donna is spot on. The “karma” part bothered me also, until I realized that when you are totally devoid of ANY emotion, how can we expect even some of the worst to effect them?

It wont. Not in this life. However, after seven years, I finally saw ONE sociopath get some just rewards. He collapsed in a major airport from a heart attack. Survived, but now has a stent keeping him alive. I am sure there are more of those collapsed arteries…somewhere.

It doesn’t matter. They will face their justice after this life.

I was married to mine for 15 years and together 17 years. He cheated on me THREE times and I stayed. What the hell? I was jobless and had two young children. Not too much of a choice and I thought he would change. Naaah….never. I have learned.

Walks away from our marriage and the two children that he was the “stepfather” to for 15 years. They were 7 and 12 when we married. Nothing to say to them either because he only “attached” to us for his own purposes in the long run.

New girlfriend is so happy and pleased that he found his way from my rants as he drove off from our home leaving me bankrupt and penniless.

yep. don’t look for the payback in this life, but understand and accept the piece of garbage that you just happened at one time to “love”, actually belonged at the curb for trash pick up.

I have decided that I really don’t like living with human garbage.

learnedmylesson

If most sociopaths are like MY ex,the consequences they face are
1)insecurity.
They re always up shit creek so to speak.Trying to scam people on a daily basis to survive is a tough life.
2)no continuity
Bounce from person to person without connecting and feeling satisfied.They might get a thrill ripping you off but that s very short term and not enough to make up for the panic of losing what they have on a daily basis.
3)Constant frustration
The big picture for them never seems attainable.They eventually have to do some immoral or illegal act to try(in their minds)to achieve their goals.
As an added note…my ex tried calling me from jail again last weekend to bail her out.Picked up this time for failing to pay child support.I didn t answer as I have not answered ANY of her calls from jail since I told her to get lost(a year ago this week).
She s only tried to contact me while in jail(two shoplifting,one destruction of property-her old apartment-and this one.)Never apologized to me for horrific behavior and lying —no remorse,in fact she texted me that I was an idiot for not figuring out her lies earlier.Anyways…she s paid plenty since I left her.

Stargazer

Sam,

You’re welcome, and now your last post has inspired me, too. πŸ™‚ It is so important to really feel – and feel deeply – the feelings of betrayal, the anger, the abandonment, and the loss. But we can experience all this and still hold them in the light and experience them as feelings we are experiencing but not all of who we are. We are so much more than all of this. And from this “bigger” place we can look inside and direct our healing process, deciding when and how we want to process something and let go of it, rather than letting the feelings control us. We can ask for help, not only from counselors and friends, but from our spiritual guides – seen and unseen. They are really there to help us.

It is so important that when you find that spark of excitement like you mentioned in your last post that you nurture it. For me, dancing and travel give me my joy in life, so I fill my life with those things, in spite of my issues. When I travel and dance, I take my issues with me, but then I have fun stories to tell and it attracts more fun into my life – fun people, fun events, and happy situations. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that spark when you still need to do the rage/anger work. Understandable – that is the root of depression, when anger is turned inward. But when that spark is there, nurture it and fan the flames of it. It will ignite and suddenly the issues will seem smaller and more workable. Focusing on the person who hurt you continuously for a long period of time zaps this excitement in your own life. It takes the locus of self-control off you and puts it onto the other person. If you can redirect that locus of control onto yourself, you’re a good part of the way there. So many people get stuck in the anger/blaming stage and never get out of it. You can never count on another person to be in charge of your own happiness. Never.

lost everything

In July, 2008, the latespath posted a comment that translated into ‘he was so thankful that my mother went blind 6 years earlier because her problem allowed him to enter the world of sex for money’, after all he couldn’t admit his cimes; this in reply to a birthday greeting post from an escort and echoed by other escorts and johns. 3 months and 10 days later, he was suddenly dead at the ripe old age of just over 55.

A friend of mine wrote to me saying that he hoped the spath died a painful death. When I told him, ‘nope, I found him dead on the basement floor in a sleeping position his head on a pillow’, my friend replied “damn, it’s not fair’.

He did, at times, experience the consequences of his actions. When he showed up in 1998 after a peaceful 5 year absence, he looked like a unkempt, of the worse sort, street person not an Ivy League lawyer with 18 years experience which he had the credentials to be. He had every creditor known to mankind after him. He had people in the neighborhood report him to the police as a suspicious person/stalker. He had his car repossessed. His drivers license taken away. He couldn’t easily find employment, irrespective of his academic credentials.

He just didn’t care. After all, ‘it was always someone else’s fault, usually mine’.

He ended up a un-caught criminal, a thief, a forger, a fraudster, a perpetrator of elder/handicap financial abuse and even, as I have been told by lawyers and psychologists, a killer, guilty of negligent homicide, all of that in addition to running a brothel; his only associates were in the world of escorting, people who either forgot about him or chose to disassociate themselves from him, very shortly after he died even though he spent well over a million dollars in their sub-world; he was an abuser of me, pets, people’s humanness, and life itself, eventually that abuse turned into drugs and excessive drinking while in the escorting life-style; most of all he ended up totally alone with no one to acknowledge his presence on earth. I asked about him on his high school and other alumni sites and no one responded. His ashes are unclaimed, even his mother didn’t want them.

There was no one to celebrate his life; there was just plain no one.

He was simultaneously living in so many worlds that he wrote “once upon a time I thought I knew which was real, I no longer am sure”.
No one’s body and heart can escape from the pressures of the multiple lives he was living.

The last words my son said to him were ‘grow up, just leave, get out of here’.

The consequences his life left me are unreal and much poorer. I fight everyday, writing here is one way of fighting. My pets keep me going. I am here.

fightforwhatsright

lost: Thank you for sharing your story. You ARE here and your voice is being heard HERE.

lost everything,

WOW!Keep writing and may your heart heal! Pets aren’t just man’s best friend~~~they can be a woman’s best friend as they are loyal and caring!

lost everything

Fight, Donna, and Everyone Here,

I am the one that should be thanking all of you for being for me; for reading, commenting, and understanding.

It feels so good to be able to tell someone my story. To just talk to someone. I am one of those people that have almost no one, there is only my son, my high school sweetie (after a 40 years absence, lots of calls, emails, one ‘date’, I am too afraid), my therapist, my ‘good’ law firm, and of course, my pets.

One of the best things that I learned from therapy is that everyone needs other people to share things with.

Thank you for being those people for me.

Tea Light

Lost, what your son said to him was so powerful and in a way says everything that needs to be said. Grow up. Just leave. Get out of here. There won’t be any growing up. But they should here it anyway. Especially perhaps from the children they bring into the world and wreck havoc upon so routinely.Thanks for being with us Lost.

fightforwhatsright

lost everything: Thank you, also. It is a very big deal to me also to be able to share here and get empathy from others as well.

I am very alone also. My family got very angry at me for developing PTSD, Depression, etc. I have no children of my own and helped raise my sisters and their children. I was around for a lot more tragedies than my narcissistic parents.

It has hurt so much to realize that, although I was there for them, when I needed help most, they ostracized me completely. Both of my sisters have mental illness. However, THEIR mental illness was more important. They would need so much help. I had to be strong all of the time.

When I finally started getting too sick to run out the door to rescue them constantly, I still had to continue through big tragedies. I felt I had no choice. When I just could no longer do it, they began spreading lies about me to all of the extended family. I have one cousin I can count on and she lives far away.

I am allergic to pets. Instead, my PTSD has been worsened by neighbors who let their dogs bark day and night non-stop. I have one good neighbor next door, but I had to train their dog not to bark. I have two sociopath neighbors. One with dogs he actually trained to run and jump on my fence and he and his wife would actually tell the dog to go after me and bark and act like it was going to bite me every time I was in my back yard. When I finally had enough, and told the wife to stop it, they called their police friends to harass me. The man also threatened me with a gun, but his mother is a police dispatcher…and his brother in law is a cop, so I filed a report and got no help. I finally handled it through federal officials and the new city manager. But, it took years. Now they had to put up a wooden fence around their patio and when their dogs bark, they bark into THEIR living room and they have trained them to stop. I also have a terrible trigger about dogs because a dog and alcoholic next door neighbors were the first reason I’m aware of that my parents began talking about moving from my real home in CA.

The sociopath behind me has an ATV track in his back yard and they run races back there all of the time. I would say my small, southern town has a much higher number of sociopaths than average. I was moved here from a wonderful place in a progressive state when I was a teen. My sisters and I have never been the same. But, it took me longer to get so sick. I have not ever been able to find a female friend here who shared my progressive equality beliefs. And I am surrounded by people who are just trashy and say they believe one thing while everything they do belies their so-called beliefs.

I have no one who doesn’t think he should own me to be my friend. I have an ex-husband who is borderline and an ex-boyfriend who is a spath. They both will help me in some emergencies and one lives next door to me and pays rent. But, as far as a single person nearby I can rely on completely without having to act like their illusion of me, I have no one. I have to keep two men happy and keep my mouth shut when it comes to the real me just to have one to talk to sometimes or to get a repair I can’t afford done on my home. I have to pretend to be what they want me to be and it is getting more and more difficult so I spend a lot of time alone instead.

Right now, I am trying to work on being who I am. But, I haven’t been able to be who I am without regional backwards abuse and misogyny since I was 16….younger if you count my father. I tried to continue to buck their hillbilly system for many years after being moved here. My dad is ignorant and moved us here and no one really knows why. His panhandling preacher brother moved here first. Then, the rest of his family. But, we aren’t like them. We’ve been given a different story every few years. He had no empathy whatsoever for what he did to his daughters.

I finally lost the battle. I have no one. I guess that’s why I consider my whole life a natural disaster. If I think about how dumb I was not to go back home with nothing except my free brain when I was 18, I want to scream. I would have to blame myself, so to imagine what was done to me by so many people as a natural disaster, helps me.

So, this website has been a lifesaver for me. I read about other people struggling. And, best of all, I read about other people whom are regaining who they are and remembering what their dreams, hopes, personalities, and beliefs are. I got kidnapped into a cult of hate and ignorance. This site is my way out of it. I get to talk to intelligent people from so many places and I have found people here who care about me even though they’ve never met me. I care about them, too. I care about you and this article truly spoke to me.

lost everything

Hi fight, I come from a very small family. I am an only child and have only one son. My dad died in 1998 and my mom in 2009, 7 years after losing her sight, followed by a whole panoply of subsequent medical issues.

My mom’s whole family is gone except for 2 cousins, one of whom lives in a different country and the other, who at one time we had a sister-like relationship, has a bit of a stuck up attitude and have not been close since 1982, yes the latespath brought that about.

My dad’s family is also gone, but for his youngest brother who moved out of the area in the early 1950s. His children, my cousins, I don’t really know and I have not seen my uncle since my dad’s funeral.

My dad was a social butterfly and a ‘joiner’. My mom was just the opposite; as I have found out, victims of childhood sexual abuse, have a very hard time trusting other people which many times, gets worse as they get older. So there aren’t any family friends.

As I have always lived with my parents; the latespath was such a good provider (sarcastic). It was their house, their rules. I don’t have any friends of my own.

I am a ‘talker’. I made it my business to know the first names of the of the employees where I shop. I know about their TV likes and dislikes, their families, their pets. They are real people not just robots that operate cash registers. I talk with with them. They say Hi to me as well.

Sorry to hear about your allergies. Maybe you doctor can recommend a ‘friend’ with scales or feathers that would suit your life. The shelters are full of future friends of all types.

My therapist keeps telling me ‘you have to regain your ‘color’, the ‘color’ the spath drained, and once you do you are back to being you’.

Remember you are not responsible for the damage the spath inflicted.

Hugs

Tea Light

Fight, you have this place now. We can’t come over to have tea or watch a film but we’re are here, lots of us, from all over the world. It’s my birthday today. My sister ( recovering alcoholic 12 stepper who missed the part about apologising to those she’s hurt; former heroin user, prescription drug abuser, neglected my nephew in horrendous ways during his early childhood) didn’t bother to call or email. My father died of alcoholism years ago. My mother and I are estranged. It’s ok fight, it really is. You’re meant to be here, living life, learning, feeling, thinking, and growing. You matter. Please remember that. Peace and love and this ((hug)) ti you

fightforwhatsright

Thank you so much, lost everything and Tea Light. I do have you and it has helped me so much. I am getting stronger more often in my resolve to “get my color back.” I do have a fish and he’s cool. I do feel so much camaraderie here and when so isolated, it is very helpful to know that I am not alone in being alone.

Tea Light, happy birthday yesterday. I appreciate you both so much for reaching out to me when I was having a rough time.

toknowimok

Hi fight, I had such an emotional reaction after reading your post. I am so sorry you have these experiences, and multiple sociopaths to deal with. It’s so unjust that nice decent people have no choice but to inhabit this world with these “others”. I’m reminded of Anne Frank’s diary lately and her belief that people are really good at heart. I used to believe this as well, but the cards that we have been dealt seems to tell us otherwise. I had social anxiety for most of my life, and my experience with the predator this past fall has caused a recurrence of this disorder. As a gay man, I have great difficulty connecting with most other men on a social level. I guess that’s just my cross to bear. I don’t like it, I try to fight it, and of course I address this in therapy. I’m always fearful of being judged and condemned, as I was in a big way with this last guy. My struggle is still very much involved with self esteem. It’s hard to shake the idea that something is wrong with me. It’s just going to take time, I know. I am still trying, seems I’m in a rush to be healed from the deep emotional pain, but I have to remind myself to also let time do it’s thing. Take care fight, I really hope that there is inner peace for you, me, all of us on LF.
Ps happy belated birthday Tea Light if you’re reading this!

fightforwhatsright

toknowimok: Thank you very much. It helps me to think that someone could read my post at any time and be thinking good thoughts about me…putting good vibes out there. I really appreciate it. Part of my story of being a whistleblower has just ruined my brain, my career, and my health….and most of the time, I am too scared to even talk about it except in generalities.

So many people get ostracized for so many silly reasons. Love truly is all we need to make a better world. When I read The Diary of Anne Frank, I became Agnostic. I think it helped her at the time to write about the inherent goodness of others, but I don’t think it’s true either. Hitler used religion to use people to act in evil ways against so many people “at risk” in the world.

I have known some gay people in Al-Anon (in the South, they can be in much danger), and worked at a museum here, and I could see that the men and women who were gay had to work so much harder at staying centered in a cruel world.

My ex-husband was told by a friend of his many years ago (a woman working on her doctorate and testing him) that he was psychologically both female and male equally. He is not gay as far as I know. He is very cerebral and he uses both sides of his brain. Research shows that is very unusual. That most women can use both sides of the brain at once. But, most men can only use one side at a time. He has a lot of trouble making friends in the South. He doesn’t understand why. He is very religious and he is always switching churches wanting to have a guy friend who wants to talk about ideas and Philosophy. He never quite fits in because they want to talk about guns and using women (while being forgiven for violence and using people) and he gets very uncomfortable. I’ve tried to tell him it is because they are not capable of using both sides of their brain. I think they think he is gay and there are few churches in the South who are nice to gay people. He is Cognitive Dissonance in a nutshell. He is not really someone I would have ever married if I had been able to live in my real home after 16. But, he tries, and because of his feminine brain qualities, he has empathy and will talk and listen a lot more than the average straight guy. A lot more than the spath I put up with right now.

I think a lot of the people here have unique qualities that make us deeper, more easily hurt, and more disappointed at the evil people do for no reason.

Thank you, toknowimok, for making me feel heard and understood tonight. I am thinking of you as you struggle through your dealings with a spath and hope we are all helping each other heal our hearts and brains.

Tea Light

Thank you so much toknowimok! Your birthday wishes have prompted me to have some birthday cake and a nice cup of tea. I’m saddened to read of your social isolation and feelings of shame. Others’ fear and shame is theirs. Don’t carry it for them, love yourself, be safe.

toknowimok

Thank you again fight , Tea Light and everyone else. Loving myself is a challenge at this point, but I can get there again. It’s going to take time and I wish I could just flip a switch and get over it…but I know I have to have patience and I do. Hugs

Imara

I had an interesting weekend… and some interesting insights about the seeming lack of consequences that our exs experience. I went to a graduation party yesterday for a young man who graduated from medical school. This kid was in my son’s infant play group and I celebrated this milestone in his life with all the other significant adults in his life. My ex was the only “uncle ” not present. He ran away and cut ties with EVERY person he has interacted with for 50 years. When I experienced some pride and some satisfaction from this young man’s accomplishments (I was the one to push for med school for him)I realized that the lack of those feelings is the ultimate consequence really!!! There is not one person alive (except his new victim really) who would be able to stand up at his funeral and say one good thing about him. He has been an awful son an absent dad and a %$# of a husband. Friends? he has none.
That is a terrible consequence…pity they can’t feel that!!!

Sometimes I worry too much about what others think.As I’m telling my friends something,they’ll remark,”don’t you think we know him?!”
So as the old saying goes,”Nobody’s his fool”.I think he has one friend.The others are aquaintances.Sad.

serenity12

I hear you blossom. For so long I wanted everyone to know how awful he was and found myself obsessed with proving that to everyone. As time is passing I’m realizing that its more embarrassing that I ever even knew him. I KNOW what people think of him and so many people keep telling me “I can’t believe you were with that guy” My ex used to think I would “bad mouth” him to everyone and twist stories and lie…but the sad truth is that I never had to. Those stories were exactly as horrifying as I told.

Funny today, we still run in the same circles in the community and I teach some of the kids he coaches. Many of them knew we dated. Today one of the boys at school(his athlete) pulled his picture up at the end of class and showed it to some students and they all were like “Eeeeww that was your boyfriend hes ugly and short!!) Normally I would find that totally inappropriate and shut it down immediately but for some reason I let it slide for a few minutes lol. It felt good to know where I stand in their eyes…looks wise anyway haha

4Light2shine

Serenity I went through so much of what you are struggling with and had to learn the hard way that fair does not exist for me. I’ve had to completely rethink and retrain my expectations. Some of these beings are so good at what they do, and have so many different targets, and games, and resources available that you do not stand a chance because you are not playing on a level field. If you go on wikibooks- living with a narcissist you can read about detraction and calumny, ect. And don’t miss the section on charm & deadly charm. It explains better than I can the tools they use to destroy your reputation and isolate you. I can testify that I have experienced all of this. My whole life I have been respected and active in my community. My psuedowife has in a few years come into my community and parlayed my good name ( probably a large part of why I was targeted ) into being one of the most influential people in our area. I am now basically a cautionary tale and now only associate with a select few from my local area. I of course have good supportive friends and family in other areas fairly close by. Once you realize the game is rigged, you stop trying to win. You can’t. Not this game.

serenity12

Thanks that makes a lot of sense….I just can’t win because the game is rigged. Never thought of it that way. Part of his disorder I realized was that he would APPEAR to be logical and get it…even cry sometimes in remorse and apologize and admit lies. Then on a turn of a dime it would be turned back onto me being my fault. It was almost like everything I accused him of: The lying, the cheating, the backstabbing etc he would turn around and say it was ME or that he only did those things because he “figured I was doing the same thing” LOL its so ridiculous I laugh about it now…

Anyway thank you for the thought…

4Light2shine

Blossom hello. I’m happy for you that you have some good local support. Even then I know it’s got to wear on you sometimes. Sorry to hear he’s still focusing on you. Sounds like you have some good friends though. True friends will be there and even help with your burdens when they weigh you down. Hang in there cybersis.

lost everything

They are indeed wasted lives. Sadder though, is the lives of other they have turned into wasted and in many cases, damaged and even destroyed lives as well.

A couple of years ago, a paralegal in my ‘good’ law firm, after reviewing a good size sampling of the latespath’s writings, asked me who I felt sorry for. I told her, no one involved in any of this, rather the person who was on the waiting list for XXX law school that didn’t get in because the spath took the place. He wasted the education, sadder he deprived someone of the education that they would have appreciated or at least, used.

Imara

Tea, I thought of you this morning!! I was reading an article from the Sandra Says posts that I get through the Institute that she runs. Any way, this article speaks to why we go through the spin and the cognitive dissonance every time contact is reestablished with a disordered partner. It certainly spoke to me and may help you too!!!Got my Star Trek fix this weekend… Live long and prosper my LF friends!

Tea Light

Thanks so much Imara! I’ll take a look. Keep on trekking!

Tea Light

Imara that was a GREAT recommendation thanks so much, I’ll get a lot from her articles. Peace and love to you today.

fightforwhatsright

Hi toknowimok:

Glad you’re here. It is interesting how many of us can love someone else until we are a wisp of our former selves. Yet, we can’t love ourselves.

One thing this site has done for me is that I FEEL love from so many of the members here. Their showing me love and concern has truly helped remind me that I deserve to love myself. Hold on to our love for you as a person who deserves respect and dignity in your life. I have noticed that the longer people have been on this site, the more they are able to love themselves and leave loving comments for others.

toknowimok

Thank you fight, I agree. I am so thankful for LF it’s very supplemental to my therapy and antidepressants. I believe what is taking so long is the gaslighting I endured from someone I trusted, thought so highly of, thought I had a frienship with, and yet never met. Hard to shake what he said, so judgmental, so condemning. I was only doing the best I could in such an unfamiliar situation. The fact is I didn’t know what I was doing or what was expected of me. Turns out, on reflection, I was only a sex object. The whole time.

fightforwhatsright

toknowimok: We’ve all been there. If I remember the spath as if he is a natural disaster with no human feelings….just leaving a path of destruction, it helps a lot. You will feel that way at some point. It takes a lot of work to detach from someone bad for us. Sometimes we have to work at it over and over again. I know I have to work on myself and focus on my ability to find peace all day long, and sometimes, all night long.

toknowimok

Thanks fight, if there is anything I learned, it’s that people aren’t always what they seem. I went out last night and was talking to a woman I just met after I saw a friend in a show. We all went out to a pub after and the conversation came around to the topic of depression. I admitted I was being treated for depression which surprised my new friend. She swore I seemed totally fine and happy. At the time, I guess I was because I was being sociable and laughing at jokes, etc. I told her there is a lot going on inside me, and if it’s not manifesting, that either means I hide my pain very well, or I just may be on the right path to healing. I certainly hope it’s the latter, only time will tell.

fightforwhatsright

toknowimok:

I’m glad you had the courage to confide in your friend. Good people should be able to handle when a friend is ill and then you don’t have to put on a “happy face” when you don’t feel like it. Glad you got to enjoy yourself as best you could.

toknowimok

Hi again fight! Lol, no it didn’t take any courage at all πŸ™‚ I was with a group of women, and I felt very comfortable sharing. The topic just happened to come up. I was raised as the only boy out of 5 children, so I’ve always related to females better than males. And I guess you can say I’ve always been feminine. So it’s not really a surprise to anyone that I’m gay. πŸ™‚

toknowimok,
You sound like you’re still going through that stage of disbelief;of trying to figure out WHAT happened to you,and HOW it could have happened to you!It’s hard enough for those of us who actually lived with sociopaths~but to have gone through your online experience must truly be surreal!

fightforwhatsright

I ended up in an “email” experience where someone was trying to pull me in. It was that reporter I’ve talked about some. I planned never to meet him and remain anonymous. Supposedly, my meeting him was a crazy kizmet thing. However, I think he and another spath put together a scheme so he could meet me and take away my anonymity. After he met me, it was unbelievable. I wouldn’t exactly say it was “love” bombing. It was more like compliments of every kind pulling me in and pretending he was feeling an attraction that maybe he wasn’t feeling. I will never know. It took me forever to figure out I was his ticket out of lowest level of reporting (which is where his talent really was) to highest of awards and promotions for breaking a big story. He would even email/call me and ask ME how he should write certain things out because he didn’t have the vocabulary to handle it. He pulled me in for about a month sight unseen by talking about how brave I was…how he respected my integrity. But, after we met, he became a “protector” and I felt he was the only person I could trust. Then, what I call “the yo-yo-ing” began. It really is amazing how little time and effort it takes on their part to get us wound up in their yo-yoing.

toknowimok

Thank you blossom. You are correct. Very surreal. I don’t think I’d be so upset if he was just some random guy. The thing is, we corresponded for almost 5 years before talking on the phone . I felt in my heart I had a kindred spirit and I felt so much affection for him. I always thought it would have been better to keep that to myself given the distance. I was content with a friendship. If I didn’t develop the feelings further like I did when we were talking on the phone he would nOt have said such terrible things about my character when all I did was react to what he was imposing (a word I can use now to define what he did) on me. I am insecure. So are many others. But the way he told me “you are a very insecure guy” gutted me. Because I didn’t know what was going on? Because I wanted to know if I could correct MY behavior to have some sense of harmony in what was happening between us? No. Flat out “you’re insecure and you depend on others for happiness” that was his summation of me. To this day I know I did not say anything that hinted that I was dependent on him. I was just struggling while he was stringing me along. I wanted to know what was happening, where I stood, jumping through hoops to please him. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just trying to do the right thing. I had never been in such a situation before. If it was only about sex that he wanted to arrange with me in a year’s time, why not just come out and say it? Emotionally detached physical pleasure, not really something I can think of having now, especially someone I cared about. Oh well, I just keep telling myself I did the best I could. I just dont ever want to go through that again. The scars will remind me.

toknowimok,
Because spath was from the north and I was from the south,ours was a courtship through mail and over the telephone.It didn’t last as long as yours did.We were married within a year.I’m telling you this because I understand what a long-distance relationship is like.We did see each other once before being married.

I cannot imagine the shock and the injury to one’s psyche when hearing “you’re insecure and you depend upon others for happiness” from someone supposedly a friend!To me,it sounds like that person was trying to bring you down to their level!

toknowimok

Hi blossom. Yes, hindsight has educated me though. The friendship was a lie. It had no value to him. All I was, I have figured out since, was a source of entertainment for him. Boy, he must have been really bored then! Yes it hurt deeply, I was duped. And I can’t rewind to that time knowing what I know now. I really think I’m healing slowly but surely though

fightforwhatsright

This is one of my favorite threads recently. I am currently allowing consequences to hit the Lodger spath and observing with as much detachment as I can.

theurbanista

My dear the best revenge is living well.

You must realize that the sociopath is a miserable human being (misery LOVES company). I don’t know if you believe the AKJV 1611 bible but I do and I can tell you this. The sociopath has no conscience because God has given him over to a reprobate mind. This is a person who has ignored God’s call on his life and his conscience by choosing evil and ignoring his conscience time after time. God sees that he/she is good for nothing (selfish) and WILL NOT choose to do what is right or acknowledge or be thankful to God. Read Romans 1: 18-32 AKJV 1611 and you may be able to understand why they behave the way they do. God’s restraining power, via their conscience has left them, their conscience is seared as with a hot iron, and this is what accounts for the emptiness inside, this is what accounts for the boredom, this is what accounts for their vindictiveness and lies. God is no longer restraining them, he has left them to their own devices and they are working out their own damnation.

I have seen the end of a sociopath…in my own home…my own child. And I can tell you that it is not pretty. My child ended up sick..seizures, epilepsy, brain tumors and cancer. Several craniotomies that made his condition worse after each surgery. My child became dependent on their prescription drugs and added alcohol and marijuana to that mix. I counseled my child to eat healthy repeatedly, to learn to control his out of control emotions, to stop being lazy and keep clean, to stop LYING – he was a scammer, using people and taking their money and even admitted that he didn’t care about the things that he did to people. He even stole $2,500 from a friend and ran a sneaker scam on another friend and some of his friends who became angry when they didn’t get what they paid for and wanted to murder my son. I knew nothing of this until my son died. He lived in my house along with his children. He never thought about the consequences of his actions, much less what would happen to us had those people come to my house.

The stories I could tell. I learned things about my child after he died that I didn’t want to know, wished I didn’t know.

He stole from me for years. I should have put him out but I didn’t want to throw the children out too and I didn’t trust him to care for them properly anyway. I loved my son…but he was an absolutely incorrigible menace. He didn’t even care for his own flesh and blood – his children. He was wicked. He maligned me, lied on me to anyone that would listen, smiled in my face, ate my bread and enjoyed the security I provided in the home and dug the knife deeper every chance he got. No, I was not a perfect mother. But who is. Yes, I wish I had done better. But he had a choice. He chose only evil and paid for it with his life.

It is a sad thing to watch someone die…especially if that someone is your child.

I loved him…and I hated him, hated what he was. But I can tell you that he was miserable. HIS LIFE WAS A WASTED LIFE. He blamed me for everything – not being able to get or keep a job, not going to school, etc. I became the scapegoat. Why? Because I told him the truth about himself. He refused to see that acknowledging responsibility is a first step in growth. Without it, you will never grow, you will only get worse. Blaming others is a death sentence really. It kills you eventually.

Your ex is only bragging about how happy he is because he wants you to know that you don’t matter…but the truth is, his ego is bruised and you DO matter to him in a sick way. They can’t stand the demise of a relationship unless they end it, they are out of control when this happens and to maintain some semblance of control they lash out vindictively. These are spoiled, selfish children in adult bodies whose growth is stunted by their refusal to listen to their conscience AND their refusal to accept responsibility for their actions. Understand this. For all his superficial bragging, he is NOT happy and will never be. Instead CHOOSE to be happy yourself…start with the fact that he is gone and that should make you want to dance!

If he hasn’t done the same thing to his new wife that he did to you already, he will, I promise you that. He was married to you and was cheating with her, and if he did it to you, he’ll do it to her because he has no morals and no regard for anything or anyone outside of himself. He is beyond any change for the better. No need for envy, don’t let yourself become like him.

Learn from your situation, learn how to spot this kind of person immediately and avoid them like the plague. Don’t worry about His consequences, he’s already experiencing them and will continue to spiral downwards…you don’t need to see it and to be honest, you don’t really want to…seeing someone waste their life and observing the consequences doesn’t make you feel any better about what they did to you. He’s taken up more than enough of your time and is not worth another thought.

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