Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “Soundra.” Initials have been changed.
It started two years ago when I met T.L. through an on-line dating site. We talked on the phone for about a month before we actually met in person. Although T.L. was intelligent, well educated, and came from a good family, he wasn’t really my type physically. I also found him to be a little high strung, which I didn’t care for. He was interesting though, and he had a great sense of humor, which is always a positive with me, so I went out with him a few times.
After a few dates, I told T.L. that I thought it would be best if we didn’t date anymore, but that I would like for us to still be friends. He agreed to this. During this time, we both had jobs that caused us to have to travel often. Over the next several weeks while we were both on business trips, we talked on the phone and kept in touch. We decided that when we were both back in town we would have dinner together because after all, that’s what friends do. Little did I know that an innocent dinner with my new friend would be the start of a relationship that would eventually turn my life upside down.
During our dinner together T.L. was very kind and engaging, and I was really enjoying our conversation. Our dinner lasted for four hours, and I remember thinking to myself, why in the world wouldn’t I want to date this man? He’s such a nice person, and I really enjoy his company. I was hooked that night, and T.L. and I became inseparable for the next year and a half.
Badmouthing the ex
I knew that T.L. had been married once before. In fact, he had only been legally divorced for about a year when we met. His first marriage had only lasted three years, and he had no children. T.L. never had anything good to say about his ex-wife. In fact, he made her out to be a real bitch, and blamed the demise of their marriage completely on her. T.L. treated me so well though, that I believed everything he told me about his ex-wife, their marriage, and their divorce.
As time went on however, I started to notice little things about T.L. that concerned me. He would get upset very easily over petty little things. He would quickly blow off steam about them, and then just as quickly, he would get perfectly calm like nothing had ever happened.
He also had an unusual sleep disorder. There were times when he would wake up from being asleep, but he wouldn’t be completely alert. He would walk around in a daze and say and do weird and inappropriate things. He would eventually wake up completely, but he wouldn’t remember the things he had just said or done. I chalked all of these “little” things up to the fact that he was just being human.
Please take note that T.L. was never abusive to me during the time we were in a relationship. By all intents and purposes, we were very happy together. My family and friends liked him, and his family and friends liked me. I spent half of every week living with him at his house. We traveled and cooked together. We loved each other, or so it seemed, and eventually started making plans to get married.
Becoming distant
We went on a trip during the holidays. We had a good time just like we always did. I remember, however, that on our way home he seemed distant. T.L. could be a little moody at times, so I just brushed off his distance to that.
Over the next week though, we didn’t see each other, which was very unusual for us. We did have several conversations over the phone, but they just seemed a little off to me. During one of these conversations he asked me, out of the blue, if we had to get married? Obviously, I was very hurt by that question, and very mad at him. We didn’t speak much over the next few days.
Then one day, in the middle of the afternoon while I was at work, I received an email from him telling me that he didn’t want us to see each other any longer. I was devastated! Over the next couple of months we had a few conversations, but he would never give me a straight answer about why he broke up with me so abruptly, and in such a mean and heartless way. He acted as though our break-up, and the way in which he did it, was no big deal.
I had a lot of personal items still at his house, but he wouldn’t let me have them. We also had another trip that was planned and paid for that we were supposed to go on several months later. Although I asked him several times, he would never give me a straight answer about what he wanted to do about our trip. The behavior T.L. exhibited after he broke up with me was not the behavior of the man I fell in love with. I didn’t know this person at all!
Something more going on
Everything finally came to a head one weekend. My instincts were telling me that there was something more going on. Through some investigation, I found out that T.L. had canceled my airline ticket for our upcoming trip just days after he broke up with me. I also found out that he had immediately re-purchased an airline ticket in another women’s name! That’s how I found out he had been cheating on me.
When I found out that he had been cheating, I decided to go to his house to confront him and to finally get my personal items that he was still holding hostage. My instinct was telling me that the other women would be there with him, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to know that I had found out the truth about what was really going on.
When I arrived at his house and confronted him he blew up at me and became completely enraged! He screamed at me at the top of his lungs, cursed at me, and called me horrible names. This was the first and only time he was abusive to me, and yes, the other woman was there witnessing everything. T.L. was so out of control that I had to call the police.
Meeting the ex-wife
After this incident, my instincts kicked in again. I still felt that there had to be more to this whole situation, so I decided to track down T.L.’s ex-wife. I had never met her, but I knew where she worked. I called her, and she agreed to meet with me. We talked for over two hours. Needless to say, she wasn’t at all the bitch T.L. had made her out to be. She was a lovely, warm, and caring woman.
Through our conversation, I found out that everything T.L. had told me about her, their marriage and their divorce was nothing but lies! She told me that as soon as they were married he turned on her, and treated her terribly throughout their marriage. T.L. had taken the truth about his marriage and divorce, and twisted everything so that he looked good and she looked horrible. He had made his stories just convincing enough that I would never suspect that they weren’t true.
Learning about sociopaths
There is more to my story than I’m able to write in this letter. Finding out that the man I spent a year and a half of my life with, planned on marrying, and whom I loved and trusted with all of my heart was really just an expert liar, deceiver and manipulator completely devastated me.
Through therapy I found out that the psychological term for a person like this is “Sociopath.” For a long time I blamed myself for what happened. I thought that there must have been something I did or didn’t do that caused this once kind and loving man to turn on me so quickly. My therapist helped me to realize that none of this was my fault, and that I was just a victim of this man who has very deep issues. There was nothing I could have done or not have done that would have kept him from doing what he did to me.
The way T.L. verbally abused me the night I confronted him about his cheating was his true self coming out. I had never seen that side of him before, nor did I ever think in a million years that he would cheat on me. He hid who he really was very well. Once he had gotten everything he wanted from our relationship and was done with me, he let who he really is come out.
This is how a Sociopath operates. I’m just fortunate that my relationship with him ended before we got married, or I’m sure that he would have done even more damage to my life. I’m also fortunate that I have faith in God, a lot of support from my family, friends, and yes, even T.L.’s ex-wife, or I don’t think I would have gotten through this horrible time in my life. I still have days that are hard, but they’re happening less often. I’m definitely on the way to being myself again!
Master liars and manipulators
I hope that any woman who reads this and who has been a victim of the evil doings of a Sociopath takes heart, and knows that it’s not her fault. These men are master liars and manipulators who don’t care who they hurt, as long as they get what they want.
I would advise anyone who has been victimized in this way to get professional help as soon as possible from a therapist who is familiar with character disorders. The sooner you can come to terms with what has happened to you, the sooner you can move on with your life. It’s a sad and confusing process, but there is light and life at the end of the tunnel!
I wish you hope and happiness.
Fast forward 28 years and two kids and then you have my life in a nutshell!!! Except that I’m the first wife….
My ex became a monster only after I discovered his cheating. Then he completely let his mask fall. Oh there were PLENTY of other signs and red flags that I ignored and excused. Divorce is not normative in the Indian community and especially in the Indian immigrant community. He shattered our family and my life….then blamed me for his affair(to his secretary in another country.) Told me that he could not wish me on my 50th birthday because that would mean that he was being disloyal to the true love of his life…this is after spending over 30 years with me…
Oh I could ramble on and on….Suffice to say your post really hit home for me. Now I get to rebuild my life from the ground up….he is still in a long distance “relationship” with his mistress. Apparently she is awaiting her immigration…I have met this woman. She shared with anyone who would listen that she has always wanted to live in the US. She is also 12 years younger.
I sometimes wonder if I’m wrong…did he really just find someone else? simple? Then I have to really shake my head and say that it was HOW he lived with me and then ultimately discarded me, that defines him….not just his “falling” for someone else. As we have said on LF so many times that the real problem is that they look so very “normal” at the start!!!!
Saundra: Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you got out before marriage or living together completely. Those rages like the one you experienced can become a daily experience if they think they can get away with it. You let him know he wasn’t going to be able to get away with that with you.
Imara: My heart goes out to you for all those years and the trauma and drama that is usually part of having children with them. I am glad you are working your life out the best you can. It sounds like he may have found a spath this time who just wants to get to America. Maybe they will torture each other!
Thanks Fight!!
Yes the children are impacted…genetically and environmentally… Saundra, we used to call my ex’s rages his tantrums…
The kids and I used to start singing “let it be….daddy dear speak words of wisdom” to diffuse the tantrums as the kids got older.
My advice to you Saundra is to make sure before you enter another relationship that you are fully aware of your own vulnerabilities. Do not let anyone exploit those. Run if you find ANY of the red flags.
Hi Imara: I call the rages fits and when yelling is involved, I say, “Stop shrieking” and walk out. Telling a man he is shrieking sort of takes away his feelings of man power!
I love empowering yourselves with The Beatles! I would probably sing “The Long and Winding Road….is what I am going to kick you towards if you keep it up!”
Saundra,
Although I know it broke your heart that this man discarded you so coldly;I’m so glad his true identity was revealed to you before you could be wed!Only now am I able to remember things that happened,or were said that were warning signs!Instead,I stayed in the marriage and endured intolerable emotional pain because of being “under his spell” and not believing in my ability to care for myself and daughters.Thank you so much for telling your story!Each time someone tells their story,there are similarities…and there is healing!
Thank you Saundra ,
Your story was really very deeply felt for me. I cannot say that the man I fell for hid all he was, yet he did well enough that I fell deeply in love with him and it lasted about the same amount of time that yours did. I too was betrayed, marriage had been discussed and the discard was odd, quick and painful.
Thanks to for the reminder that it was not our fault, that we are not responsible for their heinous act of manipulating a woman’s emotions to extract from her what they want. The man I was involved with, was cheating on me too, and that was probably going on the whole time. I trusted him so much that I beleived his lies.
Finding this site, and learning about what a sociopath is, certainly helped open up a new world of understanding for me. I am still in early healing phases, 3months no contact, 10months post discard. Time heals. Thanks for showing us all that it does. The peace in you rings through your words. I am happy for you, and I …that they did not marry us, that we are free of them and will have hope for a brighter future!
Bluemosaic
Soundra and Bluemosaic…
Thanks for sharing. Your stories could have been my own….only my relationship lasted about four years. I never saw the end coming and like both of you, it was horrific with the lies, cheating and manipulation.
It’s been about 1 1/2 yrs since the end and I am in a much better place now. Hang on….you will heal and become much stronger and wiser because of this!
cannh:
Nice encouragement here. The encouragement and reassurance make such a big difference on this site.
FFWR:
Thank you! It is not an easy road, but the healing will happen if you allow it to. I spent a lot of time working on myself, but also spent a lot of time thinking about what happened….all the lies (of which I know were so many more than what I was told); the cheating (which is excruciating and heartwrenching); and the manipulation. The pain can be almost unbearable. But it’s not us, it’s who they are to those before us, to us, and to those after us.
Take the time to heal, to feel the pain and to eventually move on to a healthier and happier self!
cannh
I am not sure that sociopaths truly hide anything. They are masters of deceit, secretive, and live in their own world; they come that way. They just do what comes first nature to them. I believe that they are astute people watchers and observers of life in general. As they get older, they become more sophisticated, so does their behavior. They use what they have learned to blend into society as a whole.(not a whole lot different than what a real person does when they move to a different place, whose norms are different than their homeland)
I think the the Red Flags are raised, the cracks appear, when something they have no control over, in the real world, upsets the balance they have created for themselves. They do not know how to deal with it, in frustration they lash out. Brain overload.
Thanks to all of you, I can see that perhaps, the latespath’s violence that started in the last semester of law school was brought about by just that–the last semester. The real world was the step. No controlled environment, for him to master.
Since they will never ‘invite’ us to see their world, we are devastated and broken when their real self explodes ours.
I can now see the latespath’s cracks over the decades; more important, I can see the excuses I made for them. What clued me in more than anything was reading, hearing how others saw him. Not in a way negative rather just the opposite. People wrote about how he loved EscortM; a friend of EscortM’s mother emailed him saying that he gave EscortM everything she wanted; a dog breeder called to to tell me how charming he was. Who was this person they were talking about? Then I knew that the latespath was not ‘just’ an abusive ‘crazy person’; he was much worse.
Depending on your own personal upbringing, life with a spath can be much worse after marriage.
Lost I agree completely that they con us only so far as real life does not crack their mask. But reality always seems to intrude and they tend to loose the good guy image they put so much into.
Problem is that by that time WE have invested so much of ourselves into the relationship that we excuse, compensate and get hurt over and over again. In my case it was literally a matter of death by a thousand little cuts….Now my new mantra is the one I learnt recently from LF “if its not fun I’m done.” Going to use that for ALL my relationships. Especially with my kids….My duty to them is done. Now if they want a relationship with me then they better make it fun for me too!!!! I will no longer tolerate hurtfulness and disrespect. I’m 52 and it’s surely taken me a LONG time to come to this place…..
lost everything,
You’re so right – sociopaths are “masters of deceit, secretive, and live in their own world.” I had never encountered anyone who had so many secrets. Who would want to go through life living a double life? Not me! What these creatures do is create STRESS and HEADACHES, non-stop. I really think that they’re insane, having a form of sanity (at times), but really being nuts. I have seen the worst in humanity courtesy of a spath, keeping up the good guy facade, while committing evil deeds behind everyone’s back.
Hi bluejay,
While the latespath was actively living a double life; the reality was that he was actually living many lives. He had to, in order to ensure the safety of the main 2.
1-me
2-escorting world
3-my mother’s stock broker
4-his mother
5-families of escorts
For each of these 5 sectors, he was a different person with a different resume.
1-I knew he was an unemployed lawyer, who worked for a total of 5 1/2 years out of 28. I figured he got a job as a cashier in some fly by night store.
2-In the escorting world he was a “gainfully unemployed” computer security consultant.
3-The broker knew him as someone who worked in Downtown Manhattan, as a program designer for a computer company. Oh he definitely had every right to speak for my mother.
4-To his mother he worked in Midtown Manhattan as an editor for a major news business. Yes, he was living in NYC, divorced from me, and had a girlfriend.
5-To escorts families, he was a financially secure, retired lawyer, divorced or in the process of getting one. Of course these people didn’t know what their daughters, mothers, estranged wives were doing.
The only 2 things that remained constant were: he looked and dressed like a ‘street person’ version of David Crosby; and everyone thought he was the most charming person they knew. Well he did look like an overweight, shabbily dressed, pony-tailed bum. As for the charming, as my son said, “we never saw it”.
Even with the proof, his mother refuses this is her son. The broker just kept saying, ‘I didn’t know”. Escorts, well they simply don’t respond. Parents of escorts kept saying that he was the nicest, most helpful person they ever met and how well he treated their daughters; children of escorts, who actually called him uncle, simply reject the reality.
For spaths, their death is not the end of their damage.
lost everything,
HOW IN THE WORLD DOES ANYONE KEEP UP WITH ALL THOSE LIVES–
WITHOUT GOING INSANE?!
Hi Blossom:
I think it is because they are insane to begin with. I have had to juggle my life around for survival and it is very difficult. However, for spaths, this type of multi-lifestyle is their normal. It feels right for THEM and feels bad for us.
1-He was incredibly intelligent. Tested twice a few years apart, and retested after each test, once 2 repeat times.
2-He had no life, nor did he want one.
He gave up on the real world in November 1981. A year and a half after graduating law school.
I am sure it was a challenge, a game, for him. Rules never applied to him.
As long as paths never crossed, he won. He went through complicated, sophisticated, hoops to ensure that never happened.
lost, Imara, and bluejay: Very good points all. Oh, how it can hurt when a spath has been treating me horribly only to take him to the library or grocery store or doctor and see him greet everyone as if he is “Mr. Wonderful.” They love to be secretive and I think often get numbers and emails out of these people in case they want to use them later. But, I do agree that if we paid more attention, we would see that they can be very transparent also. IE: If I walk into his place and the computer screen is up, but there is nothing on it, it is quite obvious he was probably looking at porn or on a website corresponding sexually with someone hoping to trick them into believing he is a young man or woman depending upon his urges that day. Or he could be reconnecting with an old target to see if they will let him move in with THEM again. The point is, a person does not just sit looking at a blank computer screen. He has been looking at something inappropriate, hears me coming, and gets out of it, but doesn’t have time to turn off the monitor. It can be quite comical really. They love to have secret lives, but if we pay attention, it’s easy to spot many of the things they are doing.
To protect myself from their typical kindness to others while treating us like dirt, I reached a point a couple of years ago where I never go in any more. I stay in the car, go run errands, read a book in another lobby from where his doctor’s office is. I do just about anything to keep from seeing him interact with others. He has severe anti-social personality disorder by my assessing the traits.
My experience with this antisocial is that he chooses one target. That has been me twice. Once he gets his one fly in his web, he feels free to have a big personality to all others. He becomes parasitic, uses pity, love bombs, says ‘I love you’ as if he means it, gives gifts, etc. until he is “in.” Then, once he has what he wants which (this time) was an off-the-grid place to live so his creditors can’t find him, he becomes withdrawn, doesn’t want to speak to me, but wants me to help him meet all of his wants and needs in the moment.
Before I stopped going in with him and witnessing how his personality changed, I felt bad about me. I felt stupid just standing there watching it. I would tell him how it hurt me. Now, because of everything I’ve read about narcissism, anti-social personality disorder, and now sociopaths, I see he is just always hoping for a new target. I have no reason to ever go anywhere WITH him. I may have to go to a hospital again sometime. But, I won’t be there long.
I also notice that he acts as if he is still young and semi-healthy. It is pretty creepy. He is on a walker, 58 years old (but looks 68 because of the life he’s led), and ACTS like he’s got swag going on. Now that he is older and sick, HE doesn’t seem to recognize it. He goes into spath mode and chats people up! I had to go take him things when he was in the hospital for several days five months ago. It was before I found this web site. He would flirt with young nurses (male and female), act like he was such a wonderful person, joke around, etc. It really struck me and upset me. I ended up getting way too involved and telling his nurses he was an old letch and creep and to stay away from him. I told the patient advocate I thought he was a sociopath. I also told him how silly he looked. That, to those people, he was a decrepit old man.
This time, for his second surgery, I had a sociopath EDUCATION. I waited with him pre-surgery for about 15 minutes. Women came in and he acted differently towards them, but not friendly at all. He was nervous and I was tired. To me, he didn’t seem to care if I was there or not, so I left…and it felt so good. I ran some errands, went home and rested and called four hours later to see if the surgery was over. I then waited and got to his room just before they brought him in. Believe it or not, I got a big smile and a “You’re here!” out of him. I didn’t take it to heart. I detached from it just like I have learned to detach from pretty much anything he does now. But, I thought it was interesting that he was “mr. happy” towards me this time. Could be because he knew I could make the choice not to bring him back here! But, I don’t think that is all it was. I wasn’t coddling him before the surgery as I have in the past. I was just there until I wasn’t.
In other words, they like unavailable. I am pretty unavailable now…especially since I know he can never be any more than what he is. I spend my time talking to another person when I want to talk to a more normal human. I watch a lot of movies. I garden. I read. I let him live next door and he is the one who usually calls me. If he ever says a rude thing if I am around him or doesn’t give me his full attention when I am the one helping him, I say, “Oh, I have to go do something,” and get out of his place. Every day, he becomes less and less a human I care about and more and more The Lodger who pays extra rent to a landlady who is also a p/t caregiver when he has surgery or can’t walk far like the last few months. I release myself from his secrets 90% of the time now. I release myself from his hokey, transparent methods of love bombing now. I release myself and he is alone and broken most of the time. You would not believe how lucky he acts if I let him watch a TV show with me! But if he says or does one thing that is spathy, I say, “Hmmm, I’m tired. I am going to watch this by myself” and send him on his way. He knows that he has tried to control and abuse and has failed and he gets on his walker and slowly goes out the door.
They are not real humans and don’t deserve to be treated like I treat real humans. When they get old and sick, no one wants them any more. THEY are the ones who have to pay to play then. And, if we learn detachment from them, they are interesting to observe like watching a feral animal in its unnatural habitat. Knowledge has brought this way of thinking to me. I am getting better at it. But, I am also 52, lost everything, and I sure wouldn’t recommend this to a younger woman. Just to an older, poor one like me. If you want love, get out. If you are stuck with one, or choose to have one around, for whatever reason, find a way to detach, observe, and protect yourself.
The canceling trip scenario is so familiar to me! Several years into what I thought was an exclusive relationship, I got an email out of the blue one morning saying he couldn’t continue with the relationship and the trip was off…that he would reimburse me at some point and until then, do not try to talk to him under any circumstances. Of course I tried to get an explanation and was treated very poorly. Several weeks later, he called me with his tail between his legs and wanted to go on the trip after all! He was so convincing in his apology that I gave in and the relationship continued several more years until he cruelly and unexpectedly abandoned me. After that, I happened to talk to one of the women at our former place of employment and found out that he had invited her on the trip with him! She declined when she saw my name on the reservation and confronted him about me…he denied we had a relationship. So he dumped me to make room for her and when she declined to go, he had to reinstate me or go alone. Ohhhh do I wish I knew that at the time! He also bad mouthed his ex wife and I felt sorry for him…it turns out it was all lies and she is a very nice woman. He recently got married and I’m sure he told her similar stories about me if he told her about me at all. It’s amazing to me all the common behaviors…it’s like these monsters use a play book.
Dating website are the playgrounds of psychos. It’s where they get their prey.
I think you are right about that.