lf2

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The Other Prey – loving someone previously married to a sociopath

Angry woman yelling at man

The author’s husband was previously married to a sociopathic woman.

Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Winifred.”

This is titled “The Other Prey,” and is for all of us who have chosen to love our current partners who were married to, or close to, sociopaths in the past.

When I met my husband over 15 years ago, he had filed for divorce. Even though he was an extremely quiet and private man, after years of friendship, he shared with me that his soon-to-be ex wife was a “sociopath”! I was in my late 30s and had heard of this term before, but one never really can begin to absorb what it means until you experience a sociopath first hand as I am.

Growing up as a child of an alcoholic mother, I had been in two failed marriages before. After being divorced for almost 10 years, my only child was raised (successfully). I remarried determined to make it work this time. My husband and I have been married now for over 5 years, and together for 8. I have been blessed with tremendous strength throughout my lifetime, hence I have survived this nightmare.

It began with death threats. She called my husband where he was staying before we were together to tell him that, “she was in my neighborhood with a gun and was going to kill me”! That led to her trying to get me fired from my job and stalking me. Fortunately, I adopted a no fear, but cautious attitude. That was the easy part.

Watching her use their 2 children as pawns, and alienating them from their father was the worse part. This was no defiant, bitter spouse; this woman was and is a psychopath. In order to survive, I had to quickly learn that I had to stay one step ahead of her thinking at all times. I had to learn to think like her, and it was exhausting!

Pro at milking the system

She is a pro at milking the system for whatever she wants ”¦ and sadly she gets it. Whether it’s the so-called judicial system, doctors, lawyers, churches, schools, anyone she can get something from. She got her brother, who is a doctor, to say she has Gillian Bare (a neurological disorder) so she can collect SSI. (Social security insurance, not disability. She has only worked 2 years of her entire life and is 52.) She was never tested for the disease to this day. She drives and walks around like you and I, but we all pay her way.

She told her family and 2 children when the divorce was going on that she was “dying of uterine cancer,” and tried to get her soon-to-be ex to move back in and “take care of her and his kids”! Having a medical degree, when he described her symptoms to me I knew she was lying; it didn’t match up.

After this she joined a huge church and proceeded to tell the church heads that her ex was a “deadbeat dad, and they were penniless.” (The kids lied right along with her, they were 9 and 13.) The church began paying $2000 worth of her bills a month, even thought we were paying for $4400 monthly. (She got $24,000) When I got wind of this fraud I contacted the church and we took all the legal documents to prove to them what we were giving her ”¦ it was more a month than my husband brought home. You see, he had agreed to pay for the house so they had a place to live for 3 more years, on top of child support and spousal maintenance. I supported us ”¦ all 5 of us!

Latest victim dead

Sixteen months ago she hooked a married man. She had gone to high school with him and had lured him in on an alumni website. After 13 months with her, he supposedly took his own life in April of 2011 ”¦ with his gun! (A gun she had threatened him with 2 weeks before, the police report read) I know he wasn’t the one that shot himself ”¦ she found him, after he had thrown her out.

Her true calling should have been an actress, she limps into court with a cane ”¦ when 1 day earlier she was grocery shopping and carrying groceries ”¦ the only days she used a cane where court appearances. The judges here only want to figure out who owes who and pays what, and you are out.

My husband’s kids

We have forked out $74,000 in lawyer fees from 2004 until present, and my husband’s kids do not speak to him. They have accused me of everything they thought they could pull off, despite my good intentions for them.

His son has torn up his room in my house with a knife twice. Having them here for visitation was pure hell for all of us. Just when they would start to become human and relaxed she would use them. She would call 27 times a day, and when I unplugged my phone, she got them cell phones. When my husband took the cell phone away, she called the cops. The kids and her ended up destroying the house and we had to take $9800 to get rid of it at closing, that’s after she lived in it for free for 3.5 yrs.

The hard parts

The hardest parts for me are two things:

  1. The energy I have to put forth just for us to survive her wrath that is continuous.
  2. The toll it takes on our marriage.

We are both strong, good people. My husband is laid back, and has developed his own coping mechanisms. I am not laid back. I am the fighter and keep her at bay. She thought at first I was this dumb blond, but soon learned she had met her match.

We have given up so much, my husband is now almost 63, and we still pay child support for a 17 yr old to her. A 17 yr old who won’t even return her father’s calls.

I see the pain in his eyes as he sees the frustration in mine. We have managed to evolve to survive, with each other and without “her”!

This past year things have been more settled, although I am terrified to write it. I am 51 and have never had a vacation, all of our money goes to lawyers just to keep what we have.

I would do it again

People close to this situation often ask me “if I would do it again” marry my husband ”¦ and without hesitation I say “yes”! I would caution someone who gets involved with a victim of a sociopath in the past. If they have children with their ex, it will be a life of emotional, draining hell for both of you. If you love someone like I do my husband, you fight, in the hopes that someday you will be together, legally unattached from the sociopath. We have about two years.

Pages of police reports, stalking charges, phone taps ”¦ nothing stops her. The more attention and drama a situation has, the more she feeds on it. I know in my heart of heart that although love and devotion has kept us together ”¦ the idea of splitting up and letting her win ”¦ also keeps us glued.

Good luck to any of my kindred spirits out there like me that fall in love with someone who was victimized by a sociopath. You both can make it, just stay focused and be a survivor!

God Bless

 


Comment on this article

11 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The Other Prey – loving someone previously married to a sociopath"

Notify of

Winifred,
What a horrific story!I admire your strength and the devotion and love you and your husband share!Without that,you would no doubt never have survived such an ordeal!Btw,welcome to lovefraud!Keep reading and posting,as everyone provides support here.

Brava to you for your love and devotion. I am sad to hear of the stress and ongoing turmoil with which she has filled your life, and especially of the estrangement from his children that your husband must experience. What baffles me the most is the inability of our legal systems, at all levels, to recognize sociopathy and protect innocent hard-working people, like you. I just watched an interesting documentary on “behavioral disorders” and the growing tendency to address them as “brain diseases,” since it is the case in most brain diseases that the behavioral disorder associated is the LAST evidence of mental illness, whereas deficiencies or abnormalities in brain development can be tracked much earlier. As studies of sociopathy are demonstrating that it is a genetic brain disease, I have hope that early diagnosis of it, as well as legal remedies for those targeted by sociopathic behavior be made for people like you, your husband, myself, all of us on this website, and across the world who are suffering at the hands of day-to-day psychopaths. I fear that day is at least a decade away if not more…but one can hope! In the meantime, best of luck to you and your husband, I wish you peace one day soon. Thanks for writing.

Blossom, Sparrow…thank you both for your comments and care. Sometimes, very often in fact I tend to have to slap myself so I don’t get lost in ALL of This! It is easy to lose yourself when you get worn and tired of always having to stay one step ahead of EVIL! I think the hardest thing to deal with is the resentment…lots of that. I look at my husband and can’t help but feel that she got the best years of his life out of him…and she blew it..I got what was damaged and broken. Please understand he is still a wonderful man, but I can’t help but ask…what if? We have spent 95% of our relationship paying emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily ect…for this, for him leaving her….and REALLY leaving her. Her goal in life has become the center of destruction of our lives….keep us broke but dragging us to court…..yet she lives on SSI and the different churches she goes to and defrauds pays her bills and lawyer fees. I wake up everyday swearing that I will take my power back and hold on to it…..I will not let her fill my thoughts because Lord knows she doesn’t deserve them. There our all kinds of wonderful people out there that are victimized by sociopaths….my perspective as the wife of a man previously married to one brings it to a different light. Peace to all of you…stay strong! Winifred

Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your family for everything you all have been through. From my experience twice with two different sociopaths, if they can’t get to you or your children, the next step will be to attack your siblings and friends. They don’t like to “lose” as they call it, and since they basically have nothing to lose by trying to ruin your life, they will not stop at trying to ruin yours. Just be careful, please, and be on the lookout for attacks when you least expect it.

Just my opinion.

Learus

http://learus.wordpress.com/category/the-sociopath-a-social-terrorist/

Learus,
I bookmarked your page and started reading.I like it alot.But as my time on the computer is limited,I was wondering if you would explain for everyone here,what you’re saying in the above post; “if they can’t get to you or your children, the next step will be to attack your siblings and friends.”That’s kinda scary!Although my spath is in a nursing home,I know from talking with my 76 yr old dad,that he calls him all the time.I’d like to think I don’t have to worry about spath doing anything.But in the back of my mind….!

I forgot to mention that spath uses a cell phone to call my father as he lives in another state.

Winifred,
It’s understandable that you would feel resentment,but just remember that while she seems to “have it all the easy way right now”,her path is a slippery one,and eventually her actions will catch up with her.While you probably feel you have to ‘stay on your toes and be cautious constantly’,you and your husband should atleast take the time to let each other know what you love about each other.You’ve been fighting this battle together;celebrate your love.

I’m so sorry to hear your horrors of your husband’s ex. I’m so glad though that he figured out what she was, so you at least had him as a partner there. I’m relatively newly married to an ex-partner of a spath woman, and my noticing the “abby normal” actions by his ex, has been a struggle so that DH can even see them as abnormal actions by his ex. The skids are 10,13 now and DH notes he’s doing all of the civility he can to make sure they’re okay, yet his ex is doing as it sounds your DH’s ex has done a heartbreakingly effective job, of parental alienation. My DH’s ex started on day one of our marriage two years ago, and I feel so bad for the kids just because after all, she is mom, and a master-master manipulator to alienate them from me and DH, and me from any/everyone she knows. We live unfortunately nearby, and I yearn to keep my actions private from the “speakers” the kids, while I also hope to show them an alternative to the lying/manipulation track they learn at BMs house. You sound really gratefully upbeat even while recounting the horrors you have and are liv/ed/ing through, I feel great reading about your strong relationship with your DH. I’m hoping/trying to form that with my DH, and he seems to [finally] be getting on board. Thank you for your inspiration to me, and I hope you can get far enough from your DH’s ex/spath to disable such infiltration into your lives. It sounds like your DH supports your efforts to stay ahead of her thinking, my friends and my own DH don’t get it still in spite of seeing her abusive actions, and call me paranoid. It’s lonely to me, I feel really good reading that you have the support from your husband that you describe.

I would like to read more about how you figured out how to stay one step ahead of your DH’s ex/spath. You are smarter than me/us as we keep being sideswiped, when it looks more and more absurd so that I would think others would call her on it, though most seem to think what she does is just fine/not harming anyone, not even seeing or acknowledging the alienation effects we see. You really are an inspiration. Thank you for posting this story.

newstepmom,
I hate to say this, but you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride! The kids will never accept you…if they are even civil with you that will be a miracle…she will make sure they hate you! My husband and I have been together for 9 years and it took him at least 6years to cut the strings(because he was her puppet) ….even thought every word out of her mouth was dramatic, and a lie….he would defend her lies, refusing to believe they were lies despite my pleads….until he had “proof” she was lying! She will thrive on manipulating him and the children with one goal in mind….to destroy and relationship or happiness you or he may have. I would compare the relationship between an ex spouse of a sociopath as one who was kidnapped for years and refused to run even if they are left alone and have the chance to flee….it is the same mindset…the kidnapper has mental control even if it is clearly over, it is not over!It is an constant adaptation for you and your husband! As far as how I figured out how to stay one step ahead of her…I know it was just instinctive….eat or be eaten!
From day one I refused to let her get one step ahead of Us, or it would have been over then! She assumed she was dealing with an idiot, but soon found that was NOT the case. I had to transform myself to think like her…to stay one step ahead. I know what she will do even before she does it….than I have to take measures to intercept her actions. Most importantly, protect yourself 1st always. Remember, she could go as far as to kill you, harm you or have you killed or harmed! She will intercept all of your relationships, with your job, family ect… Be cautious , but at the same time…don’t be afraid…don’t give her that part of you. Always keep site of who you are, and what you relationship with your husband means to Both of you. Learn what legal rights you have….she will go as far as to accuse you of doing things to “her kids”! She feeds on drama, so even though thousands of times you want to call her, confront her ect…. she will feed on this, it is exactly what she wants…so choose your actions and implement them quietly….and go with YOUR gut, your husband will be unable to function totally and clearly because he will still remain in her grasps for years. Just because he’s out, doesn’t mean he’s free…he(you) won’t be totally free ever…but until child support ends and there are no legal ties to her ,any amount of freedom will not happen until the kids are adults legally and ties are severed financially. Avery important fact that I have learned is that HIS actions with all of this will make or break your marriage. He will be a puppet for years, but the important thing is progression for him. He needs to progressively heal until he is totally able to see what’s coming next! When we are the ones’ in this mess, like any relationship, it is hard to see 1st hand…everyone around us can see…not him! He will have to desensitize himself to her 100%, it will become your job to stay one step ahead always ! Read about parental alienation, and multiply that by 100 times. Read articles on this website, Donna has been very helpful…get inside his ex’s head as close as you can without losing yourself…this is very difficult. Your survival instincts have to be like those of a mother who’s child is trapped under a car. If you have children of your own, or with him….don’t ever let them around her…ever, and don’t assume your husband will protect your children from her if he is with them, he hasn’t learned how to protect himself yet…..he may never learn. I know this all sounds grim….you will both need to have an extremely strong relationship….be best friends 1st! You will have to adapt during this relationship on a constant basis. I know a small part of why we stay together is because if we split, it would satisfy her temporarily. Watch your back and his….keep your chin up and shoulders back…and make sure you relationship with him is WORTH IT…..it will take it’s toll on you whether you want it to or not. Good luck and God Bless!

Wow, Winifred, after reading your earlier story, that woman is a MONSTER on two legs! She’s the original “psycho ex-wife”—with the accent on the “PSYCHO”!

The only assumption I’d question is that she has borderline personality disorder. I wonder who “diagnosed” her with that? In saying this, I’m not disputing for a moment that people with BPD can indeed be a menace: abusive, violent, and sometimes outright homicidal. It’s just that this woman’s behavior seems to me to fit better with your own impression in your earlier story: that she’s a straight-out psychopath! There are important differences between the two. Also, I hear some therapists—inadequately trained or perhaps biased—have an unfortunate tendency to use BPD as a “catch-all” diagnosis for any personality disorder they don’t properly understand, especially in women.

Regardless of what’s actually wrong with this woman, your advice for dealing with all of these pathologically abusive types (male or female) is absolutely first-class. The only thing I can add, off the top of my head, is not “advice” but what I hope might make you and your husband, and perhaps others too, feel a little better about the outcome. That’s with respect to your last point: that you may never be able to “save” the children, or your relationship with them.

The word “may” of course should be stressed. Sometimes Time is the great healer. Often the maturity of adulthood is what children need to see their parents in their proper perspective. That’s frustrating for an abused parent who has to wait so many years to feel vindicated, but in cases of parental alienation (which are all too common) it does happen.

I’ve never forgotten the story of one man whose parents divorced when he was a small boy. From the time his parents split, he never heard a word from his father. His mother told them his father “didn’t love” them, and had “abandoned” them all. Year after year he longed to hear from his father, just a note or a birthday card, something to acknowledge the fact that he existed; but he heard nothing at all.

It’s hard to say what untold damage this must have done. The kid must have grown up with more than a few “issues.” It wasn’t until he was an adult that he found out the truth: that his father, unable to see his children, had indeed sent letters, cards, and birthday presents to him and to his brothers and sisters as well. The boy’s venomous bitch of a “mother” had secretly thrown them all in the trashcan and LIED to her children that “their father didn’t care about them.” After he found out, this man remarked poignantly: “I grew up feeling that I never had a father. Now I feel that I never had a mother, either!”

Still, at least it allowed him to reconnect with his father, the parent who truly did care.

Of course, I’m not pretending reconciliation with the wronged parent is always possible. As you said, “they may never come around to having any kind of relationship with you.” Rather, my question is a radical one: “Is that always bad?”

You’ve got a a poisonous pair of brats here who promise to be just like their paychopathic mother when they grow up! If this rotten excuse for a daughter won’t return her father’s phone calls, would you want her to return them, if all she’s likely to give you is a mouthful of abuse? As for a young delinquent who rips up your house with a knife, why would you want a monster like that in your home at all? You’re better off having no contact with lowlifes of that kind!

Naturally it’s bitterly disappointing when one’s own children turn out that way. But it can be because one’s own DNA has been contaminated by unwittingly breeding with the wrong choice of partner. If that happens, the offspring may be ruined right from the moment of conception.

Although your husband’s psycho ex-wife may have done her part in “brainwashing” them, it’s not at all unlikely, judging by their behavior, that they’ve also inherited her psychopathic genes, and that’s why they’re behaving that way. In fact I wonder about her whole family. If she’s got a doctor brother who sees nothing wrong with fraudulently certifying her as “suffering” from Guillain”“Barré syndrome to enable her to steal benefits from the taxpayer she’s not entitled to, maybe the whole damn family is a bunch of crooks and psychopaths, and her brother should be prosecuted too!

Needless to say, I do sympathize with you and your husband having your hard-earned money legally stolen from you in the form of so-called “child support” to feed this greedy psychopath and these two monsters she’s raising to be parasites and destructive menaces to society just like herself. That only adds insult to injury. If I had my way I’d abolish the institution of “child support” altogether. A child is an asset, not a “liability,” and children should be paid for by those who want those children and benefit from their relationship with the child. Doing away with “child support” would stop people from exploiting children as “meal tickets” the way some parasites do today, or as a means to extort money from an ex-partner in a custody dispute. It would drastically cut down on the fighting that accompanies so many divorces.

But that’s another matter, and even if you and your husband are forced to pay good money to this family of devils, it may still have been better that having a pair of junior devils living full time in your own home. They could have cost you untold money in other ways, brought you into disrepute, gotten you into trouble with the police, even burned your whole house down. You’ll never know what catastrophes might have befallen you if you and your husband had had to raise these devil spawn all by yourselves!

So take heart, I’m sure everyone is grateful for your good advice, and always remember—things could have been worse! I hope it goes better for you in the future.

Winifred,

I was referred to your posts by Donna, as your situation is similar to mine. I read a few of your posts and it really hit home for me. I am engaged to a man who was previously in a relationship with a sociopath. I really don’t want to put too much information out there in the open, because I don’t know who may see this. And, I don’t want the sociopath to potentially come across this information.

But, if you have time, I would love to chat with you. I could give you my email address so that we can compare notes. I know I sound a little paranoid, but I don’t want to give this woman any ammunition as she is actively trying to ruin my fiancé again. She doesn’t know that I know about it though.

Send this to a friend