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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to ‘fix’ me

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader whom we’ll call “Eugenie.”

My sociopath got in touch through a mutual friend on Facebook. We had been at college together, although I didn’t remember him.

He was quirky, charismatic, attentive, open, romantic and respectful. We didn’t even kiss until I’d been seeing him for six weeks. Over the next few months, we went on several weekends away to European cities and to places in England —where I’m from. We saw each other about twice a week and I was happy with that. I have a busy and independent life and he appeared to have the same.

He had a history of serial adultery, a failed marriage, several failed relationships and many meaningless liaisons with many women. However, he said now that he was 51 and had met me, ‘the love of his life,’ he wanted only to be with me. I believed him!

He proposed to me on the beach in Barcelona and, strangely, I didn’t say yes. I knew he wasn’t marriage material, so I was flattered but said I’d need to have a think about it. He pursued this and insisted it would be the right thing for us both. I went along with it, but from then I think I felt a little uncomfortable.

He was living in the house of an ‘ex’ who he had a child with age 7 and he claimed it was from a ‘one night stand.’ She was German and was living in Berlin, but had kept her house in England and he was living there and looking after it, and it suited the child, who he looked after in the school holidays. Again, I believed him. I rarely stayed there, as it felt like her house rather than his.

Something wasn’t right

It was only after about a year of seeing him, with our marriage date getting nearer, that I began to realise that something wasn’t right. Whenever I questioned him, he would come up with a version of events that didn’t quite ring true, but I accepted it. I hadn’t realised that I was addicted to seeing him and would put up with discomfort in between my twice weekly ‘fix.’

Also, he was presenting himself as wealthy, he paid for everything and whenever I got too inquisitive, he would take me away for a romantic weekend. I remember one of the last weekends we were away and I could see his reflection in the window of the tram, I was quite scared as I looked at him without him knowing and felt I was with a stranger. However, again I chose to ignore my ‘gut instinct.’

Also around this time, I noticed that we kept having the same types of conversation and when I asked him about himself, he often would start asking about me. I told him that I wasn’t happy with him living in his ex’s house, but I knew I didn’t want him living with me. Also we went out just the two of us, or with my family. He said he was quite a loner and didn’t have many friends and just enjoyed my company.

Skeletons in the cupboard

Several times over the year I saw him, I told him I had this feeling that he had ‘skeletons in the cupboard,’ and asked him to be open and honest with me about himself sooner rather than later. He assured me he had nothing to hide and even told me the password to his email. I didn’t look straight away, but when I did, I found he had been sending flirty emails to a few women and one was actually coming over to see him from Ireland the following week.

When I challenged him, he came up with a story about her stalking him, he only loved me, I should trust him blah blah blah. I believed him, but was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. On looking further at his email, I became suspicious that his ‘ex’ had moved back from Germany.

I asked him and he said she was in Berlin, what he didn’t know was that I was outside the house and had seen her there. I knocked and he answered and he told me she had lived there with him the whole time he’d been seeing me and, in fact they’d lived together for the past 8 years!!!!

I was SO SHOCKED I spoke with her and explained about him seeing me for over a year. I couldn’t make any sense of it. I couldn’t believe the situation which isn’t surprising as it was all one big pack of lies.

He still wants to marry me

Despite this he continued begging me to carry on, he said they weren’t sleeping together and she had actually said that to me. She said I’d been providing the missing link in their relationship and I should leave him, as she wanted him back in a full relationship. However, he was begging me to still marry him, he wanted me, I was the only person he’d ever loved. I was so confused. I didn’t see him for a week or so, but I was finding it so hard to un-love him. In the midst of all this, I discovered he’d been with the woman from Ireland for a weekend in a hotel. It had been convenient that I’d not seen him the last couple of weeks.

He was begging forgiveness, saying it was because his ‘senses were blighted’ by his love for me and he had gone to self-destruct, because he realised he’d ruined everything by lying to me. He said his heart was broken that he’d lost the love of his life and he hated himself. He begged me to see him like a fool I agreed I believed him.

Holding hands

The very next night I was in a restaurant with my sister and the weirdest thing happened. He walked in with the mother of his child holding hands —Yes —HOLDING HANDS. I nearly choked. There were no tables available so they left and I called him. He said that they were having a business meeting; he was holding hands because she’d had too much to drink blah blah.

Anyway, I dragged my sister to another restaurant about an hour later as I suspected he was there and YES the two of them were there. At this stage I was in a state of numbness and disbelief. I approached him, when she had gone to the bathroom, and he told me that they were ending their relationship over a meal and I really shouldn’t be there. I was leaving before she came back to the table, but she’d seen me and called me over.

He said he couldn’t deal with it and went outside to talk with my sister. I talked to his partner and she was very protective and defensive. When I told her he had been with me the night before and was begging me to have him, she looked shocked but asked me to leave him alone for the sake of their child. I agreed to this, as I knew I couldn’t carry on.

She has since seen the evidence of his deceit with me on his phone and emails and has kicked him out of her house. She also told me that she was financially supporting him as he was having business problems. She said she knew he’d had affairs before, but this was different, as he’d been away with me for holidays and it had been relatively long term.

I walked away

He told me that he’d never expected to ‘fall in love’ with me, and he thought it would be one of his usual two-month liaisons. He’d got himself tangled up with his lies and couldn’t deal with it all. He wanted to move in with me, but I said NO. I found it SO HARD, but I’ve had to walk away. A week later an article in an English newspaper directed me to Lovefraud.com. It has been a godsend. Without it, I think I would have been drawn back to his sordid life of deceit.

Because of the evidence staring me in the face from his email and from him appearing with his partner, I don’t think I could have believed the scale of his lies. From the moment he met me he started lying, and has been continuing until two days ago, when he has still been saying I’m the only one he’s ever loved etc etc. It’s only because I’ve threatened to tell his partner that he’s stopped for now.

So it was only actually 5 weeks ago that I uncovered this web of deceit and it has been SO PAINFUL. I’ve felt suicidal at times. I’ve questioned myself and my whole belief system. I knew somewhere in me from the start that things weren’t right, but was so low in my own self-esteem that I was not prepared to listen to myself, but was prepared to listen to the biggest LIAR I’ve eve met. I was angry with him and myself. I’ve realised that there is no point in talking to him, as EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it rolls off his silver tongue.

I’ve begun to heal

On a positive note, I have begun to heal in that short time. He’s not taken me for any money, he’s just taken some of my self respect and he never turned nasty. He was a ‘nice sociopath.’ I’ve had to work hard, but I am moving forward and the pain is lessening. For the first three weeks or so, I was shaking, not eating, totally in shock. But I’m not prepared to let him ruin my life. I can see that the Universe/God was having to give me very strong messages:

  1. Always trust your instincts
  2. I loved the man I believed him to be, but he was simply reflecting back to me the character traits in me. All traits that I like and admire. I had them all along.
  3. I let him into my life because I wanted the easy way. I wanted him to provide love and nurturing. All things I should have been giving myself.

So now, I’m being kind to myself, but pushing myself out of my comfort zone just a little each day. I’ve been amazed at the progress I’m making and at the people I’ve attracted into my life. They were there, but I hadn’t appreciated them when I was with him. I wanted him to ‘fix’ me. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life and I feel I’ve had a ‘lucky escape.’ I don’t want another relationship for a while, I need to sort my relationship with myself out first. It’s been such a learning experience to know there are so many spaths out there. Thanks to all on Lovefraud.com


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51 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to ‘fix’ me"

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This is an amazing story. I’m glad you had the courage to leave, find resources to help you break the spell, and get on with your life. I truly feel relationships with sociopaths are life-threatening. They will eat you alive. And there is no such thing as a “nice” sociopath. What he did to you was evil and twisted. He had absolutely no empathy, no concern for you or your well-being.

One of the things that woke me up during my four-year nightmare marriage to a sociopathic addict was a story my sister told me. She knew a woman who was a great school teacher. The woman was set to retire soon, in her early 50s. She’d been in a terrible relationship with a deceitful man who moved to another state for work but held onto her in this strange long-distance marriage. This woman was a kind and loved woman at work, but her husband was a a jerk, a user and a liar.

She found out she had cancer. Her husband didn’t even come to visit her in the hospital. Now this was the man who was going to be her decision maker in her most vulnerable and tragic time. He would make financial decisions, medical decisions, etc. This was her life partner she chose for herself.

I told myself I’d never want to wake up one day and find my life was in the hands of a sociopath. So I left my ex-husband. I also dumped a guy I’d been dating for two months who exhibited early signs of being a sociopath as well. It was all textbook. Both my ex-husband and short-term boyfriend did the same thing: lovebombing, mirroring what I wanted, calling me soulmate, lying constantly, blaming others for their shortcomings, running hot and cold, manipulating, etc.

I’m so glad I’m out of there.

betsybugs,
I’m not with my husband;I left him almost 6 monthes ago.So although we’re still legally married,I’m no longer under his spell;no longer enabling his actions by being the caring person that I am.I’m not seeking another relationship right now as I feel I have more healing to do and other things that must take priority.I’m fully confident that justice will be served in this case though.You’re so right that God is not deceived!

Cassandrasdream,
I keep a Durable Power of Attorney in my wallet and on file at Dr’s offices and the local hospital.It shows my choice of health care representative.When I left my husband,I updated it,by removing his name and choosing someone else.As for my husband,should he be in a medical emergency,he does not have access to my phone number,so he had to replace my name with one of our daughters’.

Good work Blossom. I ended up putting the abuser on my pension as the recipient in the event of my death that’s about £100,000. $150,000 ish?. That was how intense and mind altering the 6 months of lovebombing was. He spoke about how his 70 year old mother who is in good health ‘would not live forever’ and that ‘we’ would live in her flat which he will inherit. He was obsessed with her apartment, he’d chosen it himself 3 minutes walk from the apartment he shares with his wife and son. He covets that apartment. It made me feel uneasy. The longer out I am the worse and the wierder his personality appears.

I’m glad you are both taking care of yourselves in the most practical sense. Marriage makes us extremely vulnerable.

Tea Light,
Can’t you have his name removed from your pension?! I’d think it would be similar to changing a will.

I’m on the case Blossom, it’s a work administered pension scheme so you write to the trustees requesting the change, I cannot believe I put him as the beneficiary. I lost my mind, he brain washed me, it’s only 2 months nc that I am seeing what happened to me. Thanks for your concern love x

Don’t feel bad,Tea Light.We were all “brainwashed”.I can’t believe I gave 23 yrs of my life to spath!!! It was the fog!Glad you’re on the case! 🙂

We’re out now Blossom, that’s the main thing. But my God I wouldn’t mind having the stolen time back , that’s what kills me, he stole so much time, and there is not a second I don’t regret or resent having given him. I’m pretty angry today. I saw Amanda Knox on TV and thought ‘psychopath, liar, pity play, cold, acting’ whereas when the trial was happening I was ambivalent, I thought perhaps she was innocent.

Help needed. My ex is sending me messages, I am going to find out how to block text on blackberry asap. But I need help. I know he’s trying to get me back under his control. I have a list of things he lied about which is a very long list!!! and I actually don’t want to see him, but I am so sad about the whole non-relationship. I have a few things in life that I need to make decisions on and I find that tough. I wanted him to sort everything out – my handsome prince – and I thought we’d live happily ever after……

I’m going to type out his text I know the answers as to why I should totally ignore him, but I need others to reinforce it. I’m feeling weak.

Text: ‘I am a completely changed person, my deception of you (with partner I was living with)was a nightmare. Each time I left you I felt sad that I was living a lie that the person who I wanted to be with every morning was not the person who I had a child with, but was you. I longed to be with you, watching a film, having a meal, or away on holiday or away in the UK. I would never hurt you again and would spend the future just making you smile and happy.

True love is also about compassion and forgiveness, you must realise I love you. I have not slept one single night since you left me. I have not thought of anyone but you, don’t be stubborn and let me show how I have changed. I don’t expect to let your emotional barriers down immediately, but I don’t believe, hand on heart, that we have finished our love affair. I don’t want anyone else to touch me. Just you. ‘

I know this is a load of bullshit, but its having an impact. I’m nearly believing he’s okay. Can’t believe he’s so able to manipulate when I know that I don’t want to even see him.

Have just read through my own post and can see through the lies – it’s embarrassing _ could it be more obvious that he’s a sociopath??

Jayo, that’s WAY to long of a text….they don’t read them, or they just read what they want to hear….

All I can say is if I could go back and just write “leave me alone. You’re a liar. I’m over you” and GET THE LAST WORD!! I would LOVE to have that moment back!! I remember feeling weak too… I’ve only been about 1 month NC and I would now NEVER respond anyway but like that….

From all our experiences the more you contact the worse it gets and the smaller you will feel….. mine got to the point of a physical assault and I started out like you “wondering” if he was a sociopath for the same reason LYING!!

So about a month ago I sent a Lonnnnngggggg email asking what I thought were thoughtful, calm, rational questions and comments that I thought FOR SURE he would respond to…..nothing. Now I feel discarded and awful.

Its the SAME story for everyone on here and everyone will tell you the SAME thing NC NC NC NC NC NC NC!! Its PROVEN to work!!

He’s a LIAR!! Regardless of what his title is…. that’s bad enough!!

HOLD YOUR DIGNITY TO THE HIGHEST REGARD!

I WISH I could get that back sooooooooo bad!

Jayo, it is embarassing, you’re right, but it’s also predictable and it’s also harassment. I get the same stuff from my – married – abuser. I can’t sleep! I have destroyed your love for me! All I want is to touch your face! I see your Mona Lisa smile in my dreams! (see mine out embarasses yours on the lovebombing bs jayo!!) Translation: I am displeased that you have rejected me after discovering my lies / after my abuse of whatever kind made my repellent personality clear to you. I am stimulated by the idea of overcoming your natural repulsion towards me which I may accomplish by feeding you empty promises and flattery. If this doesnt work I’ve only lost the time it took to text this rubis. If it works I will get a rush from my win and probably some sex too’. Jayo….stay far, far, far away. I have callblocker x for Android on my phone it was free and blocks texts. You’ll find something for a BlackBerry. Stay strong. He’s not a good man and he can’t and wont change.

Thanks to Serenity and Tea Light. That’s exactly what I need to hear.

It’s shocked me how I can be so manipulated, even through a text. He knows exactly what to say to get to me.

I love the translation – it’s so true! It made me laugh to think of how hollow his words are.

In all this, I don’t even want to see him. I would find him repulsive. I don’t want to hear his lies. I have sorted out blocking his texts now. I think I was flattered by his declarations of love – but as you point out in the translation, it’s all false. He’s a liar, a cheat and a manipulator and I’m worth much more than a few cheap promises.

Yes you are jayo. Good work blocking the texts.Real love does’nt flatter us or nuke our minds with lovebombs -real love is evidenced in consistently kind, caring, respectful actions towards us that make us realise over time that the other person admires and values us simply for the person we are, not for what we have that they want possession of. I’m sure my abuser gets his lovebomb lines from dialogue he’s heard on TV. It’s meaningless. Someone on LF once observed lovebombs are like emptycalorie junk foods. This stuff he has been sending you is the equivalent of a krispy kreme when you actually need a home cooked nutritionally balanced meal! Have a lovely day jayo and look after you.

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