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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to ‘fix’ me

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader whom we’ll call “Eugenie.”

My sociopath got in touch through a mutual friend on Facebook. We had been at college together, although I didn’t remember him.

He was quirky, charismatic, attentive, open, romantic and respectful. We didn’t even kiss until I’d been seeing him for six weeks. Over the next few months, we went on several weekends away to European cities and to places in England —where I’m from. We saw each other about twice a week and I was happy with that. I have a busy and independent life and he appeared to have the same.

He had a history of serial adultery, a failed marriage, several failed relationships and many meaningless liaisons with many women. However, he said now that he was 51 and had met me, ‘the love of his life,’ he wanted only to be with me. I believed him!

He proposed to me on the beach in Barcelona and, strangely, I didn’t say yes. I knew he wasn’t marriage material, so I was flattered but said I’d need to have a think about it. He pursued this and insisted it would be the right thing for us both. I went along with it, but from then I think I felt a little uncomfortable.

He was living in the house of an ‘ex’ who he had a child with age 7 and he claimed it was from a ‘one night stand.’ She was German and was living in Berlin, but had kept her house in England and he was living there and looking after it, and it suited the child, who he looked after in the school holidays. Again, I believed him. I rarely stayed there, as it felt like her house rather than his.

Something wasn’t right

It was only after about a year of seeing him, with our marriage date getting nearer, that I began to realise that something wasn’t right. Whenever I questioned him, he would come up with a version of events that didn’t quite ring true, but I accepted it. I hadn’t realised that I was addicted to seeing him and would put up with discomfort in between my twice weekly ‘fix.’

Also, he was presenting himself as wealthy, he paid for everything and whenever I got too inquisitive, he would take me away for a romantic weekend. I remember one of the last weekends we were away and I could see his reflection in the window of the tram, I was quite scared as I looked at him without him knowing and felt I was with a stranger. However, again I chose to ignore my ‘gut instinct.’

Also around this time, I noticed that we kept having the same types of conversation and when I asked him about himself, he often would start asking about me. I told him that I wasn’t happy with him living in his ex’s house, but I knew I didn’t want him living with me. Also we went out just the two of us, or with my family. He said he was quite a loner and didn’t have many friends and just enjoyed my company.

Skeletons in the cupboard

Several times over the year I saw him, I told him I had this feeling that he had ‘skeletons in the cupboard,’ and asked him to be open and honest with me about himself sooner rather than later. He assured me he had nothing to hide and even told me the password to his email. I didn’t look straight away, but when I did, I found he had been sending flirty emails to a few women and one was actually coming over to see him from Ireland the following week.

When I challenged him, he came up with a story about her stalking him, he only loved me, I should trust him blah blah blah. I believed him, but was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. On looking further at his email, I became suspicious that his ‘ex’ had moved back from Germany.

I asked him and he said she was in Berlin, what he didn’t know was that I was outside the house and had seen her there. I knocked and he answered and he told me she had lived there with him the whole time he’d been seeing me and, in fact they’d lived together for the past 8 years!!!!

I was SO SHOCKED I spoke with her and explained about him seeing me for over a year. I couldn’t make any sense of it. I couldn’t believe the situation which isn’t surprising as it was all one big pack of lies.

He still wants to marry me

Despite this he continued begging me to carry on, he said they weren’t sleeping together and she had actually said that to me. She said I’d been providing the missing link in their relationship and I should leave him, as she wanted him back in a full relationship. However, he was begging me to still marry him, he wanted me, I was the only person he’d ever loved. I was so confused. I didn’t see him for a week or so, but I was finding it so hard to un-love him. In the midst of all this, I discovered he’d been with the woman from Ireland for a weekend in a hotel. It had been convenient that I’d not seen him the last couple of weeks.

He was begging forgiveness, saying it was because his ‘senses were blighted’ by his love for me and he had gone to self-destruct, because he realised he’d ruined everything by lying to me. He said his heart was broken that he’d lost the love of his life and he hated himself. He begged me to see him like a fool I agreed I believed him.

Holding hands

The very next night I was in a restaurant with my sister and the weirdest thing happened. He walked in with the mother of his child holding hands —Yes —HOLDING HANDS. I nearly choked. There were no tables available so they left and I called him. He said that they were having a business meeting; he was holding hands because she’d had too much to drink blah blah.

Anyway, I dragged my sister to another restaurant about an hour later as I suspected he was there and YES the two of them were there. At this stage I was in a state of numbness and disbelief. I approached him, when she had gone to the bathroom, and he told me that they were ending their relationship over a meal and I really shouldn’t be there. I was leaving before she came back to the table, but she’d seen me and called me over.

He said he couldn’t deal with it and went outside to talk with my sister. I talked to his partner and she was very protective and defensive. When I told her he had been with me the night before and was begging me to have him, she looked shocked but asked me to leave him alone for the sake of their child. I agreed to this, as I knew I couldn’t carry on.

She has since seen the evidence of his deceit with me on his phone and emails and has kicked him out of her house. She also told me that she was financially supporting him as he was having business problems. She said she knew he’d had affairs before, but this was different, as he’d been away with me for holidays and it had been relatively long term.

I walked away

He told me that he’d never expected to ‘fall in love’ with me, and he thought it would be one of his usual two-month liaisons. He’d got himself tangled up with his lies and couldn’t deal with it all. He wanted to move in with me, but I said NO. I found it SO HARD, but I’ve had to walk away. A week later an article in an English newspaper directed me to Lovefraud.com. It has been a godsend. Without it, I think I would have been drawn back to his sordid life of deceit.

Because of the evidence staring me in the face from his email and from him appearing with his partner, I don’t think I could have believed the scale of his lies. From the moment he met me he started lying, and has been continuing until two days ago, when he has still been saying I’m the only one he’s ever loved etc etc. It’s only because I’ve threatened to tell his partner that he’s stopped for now.

So it was only actually 5 weeks ago that I uncovered this web of deceit and it has been SO PAINFUL. I’ve felt suicidal at times. I’ve questioned myself and my whole belief system. I knew somewhere in me from the start that things weren’t right, but was so low in my own self-esteem that I was not prepared to listen to myself, but was prepared to listen to the biggest LIAR I’ve eve met. I was angry with him and myself. I’ve realised that there is no point in talking to him, as EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it rolls off his silver tongue.

I’ve begun to heal

On a positive note, I have begun to heal in that short time. He’s not taken me for any money, he’s just taken some of my self respect and he never turned nasty. He was a ‘nice sociopath.’ I’ve had to work hard, but I am moving forward and the pain is lessening. For the first three weeks or so, I was shaking, not eating, totally in shock. But I’m not prepared to let him ruin my life. I can see that the Universe/God was having to give me very strong messages:

  1. Always trust your instincts
  2. I loved the man I believed him to be, but he was simply reflecting back to me the character traits in me. All traits that I like and admire. I had them all along.
  3. I let him into my life because I wanted the easy way. I wanted him to provide love and nurturing. All things I should have been giving myself.

So now, I’m being kind to myself, but pushing myself out of my comfort zone just a little each day. I’ve been amazed at the progress I’m making and at the people I’ve attracted into my life. They were there, but I hadn’t appreciated them when I was with him. I wanted him to ‘fix’ me. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life and I feel I’ve had a ‘lucky escape.’ I don’t want another relationship for a while, I need to sort my relationship with myself out first. It’s been such a learning experience to know there are so many spaths out there. Thanks to all on Lovefraud.com


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51 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to ‘fix’ me"

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Eugenie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate to SO MUCH of it!!! Mine was a “nice sociopath” also. He never said a mean word to me, but he said plenty of mean things about other people behind their backs. Just like in your case, my ex lied about SO MANY things. And his apparent “niceness” has messed with my head so much…I’ve had cognitive dissonance big time. I understand exactly what you mean about the intense pain. YES! It’s been four months of no contact for me, and things are better for me, but I still think about what’s happened every day. He told me I was the “love of his life” too! At the same time he told me that (and I found this out later), he was six weeks into a relationship with the OW, with whom he now lives. He was in the process of devaluing and discarding me. I’m sure he told the OW that she’s the love of his life. And a lot of the things you’re talking about, like how he gave you his email password, the reassurances he gave you that YOU are the one he loves, that he will change now that he’s found you…the spath in my case did all of that with the OW. But unlike you, she is staying with him. GOOD FOR YOU for running away!!!

Something else you wrote really jumped out at me. You said you never would have believed what he was doing if you hadn’t SEEN the proof. Exactly!!! In my case, I literally had no idea that he was such a liar and cheater until I accidentally found a picture of him with the OW on Facebook. Then, this OW contacted me, and I discovered that he had cheated on me with other women, and I knew it was true because of some things he had said to me during our relationship that she didn’t know about (he projected his behavior on to others).

You sound like you are very insightful and on the right track! The mirroring you talk about…the spath in my case did the same thing, of course, with both me and the OW. Many people on here have said that these losers must all have a handbook or something because there are so many eerie similarities, down to the very words they say. I hope that by sharing my story with you, with all of its crazy similarities, I will help you feel a little better. Reading your story absolutely reassures me that I’m not the crazy one!

And one more thing…I have struggled a lot with forgiving myself about this. But I’ve come to realize that I was truly innocent before I met the spath, and it’s not a bad thing. I was as self-aware as I could be at the time, and that’s ok! The spath in my case even told the OW, in regards to me, that he knew he was “a monster to an innocent person.” Most people don’t realize that this kind of evil exists, and unfortunately it seems like they only discover it when they get emotionally involved with one of these people. You and I and the other former victims on here have a special wisdom. And I am beginning to feel really grateful for that! Lovefraud is awesome, and I’m glad you found this place too!

Thanks again for sharing!!!

To All Lovefraud family:

I have written a poem titled:

“What’s A Girl to Do?”

Young and vibrant and looking sincere
One must know what to adhere

Keep seeing with those inner eyes
The ones that never tell you lies

“You’re the one, the only one—
When the dripping is constant, just please run!

Before the end comes and all is stolen
You will return to the state before broken

Be gentle and kind and keep looking sincere
You are a treasure to be held so dear.

Love to all…..

ToBe Free – thank you so much – yes, the answer is to trust our own instincts.

Thanks for sharing your story Eugenie. You and Laura19 both hit upon an interesting topic I’ve been struggling with for almost a year after the brutal end of my 13 year “relationship” with a spath – that being, is there such a thing as a “nice spociopath”?

I have constant battles between my intellect and my heart in trying to answer this question about my ex-spath as I can now “see” so much conflicting behaviour throughout our time together. I have letters which could easily be interpreted as either manipulation attempts or as deep thoughts from a sick person trying to fight off his demons. During the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I saw and heard things from him that could be taken either way. The true monster/person came out during this period and I met him for the first time but I think I’ll always question, was that the real person or was that just the crystal meth fueled monster (the drug use/addiction was completely unknown to me until 3 months after the breakup).

In the end, I know I’ll never know the answer to this question but I wonder how long I’ll continue to strive for it.

Thank you for sharing your story Eugenia.And welcome to Lovefraud!

There is NO such thing as a “Nice” psychopath!!!!
My ex was very heavily invested in looking like the good guy for 28 years….ofcourse we fought and when we did he would be really cruel, but then he would apologise , bring me flowers , and tell me I was the love of his life!!!
28 years later my daughter caught him with un refutable proof that he was having an affair with his secratary from a country 8000 miles away!!! Thats when the lying decieving and mask slippage happened. I was in a vortex of cognitive dissonance.And fear and addiction….abandoned pennyless and homeless… the whole enchilada. I’m still digesting it.
People and family who have known us our whole lives just cannot believe it…BUT the truth stares them in the face and they cannot ignore the fact that he is BAD!!!!
No I’m sure. There does not exist a “good sociopath”.

Thank you for sharing your story. Welcome and I am glad you found this site. It has helped me a lot since I found it. Bringing us together this way helps with the isolation and we can get encouragement from others whom have dealt with these “people.” If he is still smarming you two days ago, I am sure there is a lot of inner conflict going on. Keep up the good fight for yourself.

ToBeFree: Thank you for sharing your poem. I found bits of my feelings in there and I know writing helps to get the anger, grief and confusion out.

Eugenie,

Thanks for sharing your story! I can completely relate to it. I felt like I was reliving my own experience reading yours. The cookie cutter behavior of these types is uncanny. The same words, moves, and deceptions time after time after time.

For anyone here who is wondering if ‘their’ ex is doing something different with his or her life, your article should be read again and again. They just do not change. They might change their clothing style, or locate to a new environment, or job…but they repeat all these behaviors without thought.

For me, when I really GOT IT (that there would be NO change for them) I felt kind of vindicated. I had a gut level acceptance that is was NOT ME, it really was them. I could let go of the guilt and shame. I knew then that I could be anybody, and the treatment would be the same. It’s like the weather. Natural disasters (and I won’t take this analogy too far) happen to EVERYONE.

Once that is understood it is our responsibility, to ourselves, to KNOW the signs of an impending storm and get out of it’s path.

P.S. As for ‘nice’ spaths. I get, I think, what is meant by this. Some spaths are imposing figures, and not very friendly ‘appearing’. I’ve known a spath who was, pretty much always, imposing, and lived a rather subversive life-style. I’ve also known the nice-appearing type. The kind that put on the facade of decency and kindness, who like to hold hands and pronounce their love for mankind and animals and little kids.

They do come in all ‘flavors’ (just like the rest of us). Except that their flavors are superficial. Like frosting on a cake. Some are decorated plainly, and may not be all that tasty looking. Some are really covered in sprinkles and candles. However, for all them, once you get past the frosting it is pure poison. Or, like I prefer to think of it, poop-cake underneath.

Slim

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve read many stories on this site and yours hit home the closest. My experience only lasted 6 months but what a whirlwind it was. I just stumbled upon lovefraud yesterday as I was going out of my mind trying to figure out what happened with my relationship.

Through this site and others, I have figured out that the man I thought I was in love with was, at least, borderline sociopathic. I’ve gone through so many emotions in the past 5 days. I can’t believe I was dupped. I knew he was married but it was sexless, he told his wife he wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago, she kicked him out. He stayed with me. We went away with friends and he told my friends that he’s getting a divorce, that he loves me, wants to be with me, and would never hurt me. All lies.

He’s a sick individual. Telling me all this past weekend that he was with his family in Boca Raton, making up stories of what was going on down there, emailing me the whole time gushing with his love. BUT he was with his wife and her family. She found the emails, confronted him and texted me. He continued to proclaim his love for me, saying divorce is hard and he never wants to be the bad guy, doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

He’s aware of his sickness. I met him for the last time Tuesday and he seemed genuinely upset that he was hurting me by staying with his wife. Saying something turned off in him when he was a teenager, he doesn’t know who he is, that he creates these fantasy worlds and plays in them. I looked through his texts to his wife and up until that morning was saying that he loved her and that he had broken it off with me (he had not yet). I texted her right there in front of him and let her know. I’ve been communicating with the wife somewhat and she says she’s not taking him back but I think he’ll wiggle his way back even though he’s called me every night this week. He can’t be alone. He was never cruel verbally or physically, never. His cruelness came from his promises and how convincing he was that we were going to build a life together. He was so intoxicating, making plans for the future, being the person I’ve always wanted, He convinced everyone… my friends and family included.

This is all still so fresh for me. I still feel weak, I can’t eat, I woke up shaking yesterday, I feel raw.

Welcome photoplayer,
Cruelty hurts no matter what form it takes!Deceit,such as not keeping promises that have been taken to heart, can hurt as much as twisting the arm or a big black eye-but take longer to heal.

A big part of healing is taking care of yourself;focus on your needs.Get counseling.Keep reading and posting here at Lovefraud.Btw,welcome!Play some soothing music.Take a relaxing bath with scented candles.Have a meal with friends or while laughing at a home movie. ((( Hugs )))

eugenie,

thank you so much for your post,so sorry to hear all you have been through…….im glad you found lovefraud too…..it helped me alot and i know you will find healing and hope here.
im so thankful you found out the type of person he is and walked away…..stay strong and take it one day at a time……your the important one now..

found it interesting too your anology of the `nice siociopath`…it resonated with me……………..what they do is far from nice…..they are not nice traits….my ex i feel would fit in with the nice siociopath untill the truth was revealed then the real person appeared only for me it took 16 years to find out the truth….so i saw a loving and caring and yes nice person though i know they lied i excepted the lies……it wasnt untill the end did i realise the whole 16 years was a lie….so while i was seeing the nice person….what was going on behind the scenes was all lies and it was covert……..hidden from me……i was deceived to think i was with a nice person whereas i was not……..we see what we want i guess….makes me sad that i shared so many happy memories but behind it all was a sham….a pack of lies…..a person who was deceiving me and didnt care.

better off on my own now…..

eugenie i wish you well on your healing journey.

Photoplayer,
Sociopaths are at their best doing the pity-play. It’s their way of hooking us in. Poor him, he’s so ashamed, he doesn’t know what he wants, he’s different, he doesn’t think like other people. Nobody understands him, he didn’t mean to upset anyone blah blah

I’d bet your Spath hasn’t asked how you might be feeling finding out about his betrayals and lies. Mine was only concerned with how bad he felt. Not with me or his long term partners feelings.

He may be aware of his illness, but hhe has no awareness of others feelings or of how to love anybody. He will never be loyal or faithful to any woman. He is a repeat offender and will tell each one they are ‘the one’.

Also know that there is no cure for Sociopathy, he is mentally ill. If you continue to let him into your life, you will only get dragged down into his self destructive, cheating toxic pit of despair. Believe me, it was so hard for me to walk away, but I’m so glad I have.

He will continue to contact you, not because he loves you or you’re the one, but because he wants control. He will tell his wife you are nasty, mad, demanding, aggressive. He will tell everybody what they want to hear (except I’m sorry)to keep control in his life.

Love is about mutual respect, trust and honesty. None of that has been shown to you while he’s been living with his wife and lying to you. I loved the man I believed my spath to be. But I realise that was not who he was. It was a mask and I don’t like what’s underneath. Especially what’s underneath those cold eyes.

you’ve got out early like I did, it is a lucky escape and there is a gift to come out of the experience where we learn so much about ourselves. I don’t even regret the relationship, I just see it as a message loud and clear about moving on with my life, being my authentic self and learning to believe and trust in MYSELF. I no longer am looking to a man to complete me.

You’ll still be in massive shock at tthe moment, but your brain can never process the events. It’s a million miles from normal thinking. Keep posting and try not to contact him or anybody around him. Hopefully, you can start looking after yourself.

jayo i really reasonated with what you wrote,just wanted to thank you….its odd seeing someone else write what i think…..as if you put words to my unexpressed emotions….
i know exactly how hard it is to walk away….but there is no other alternative is there?
like you said…….they are mentally ill…and if you continue to let them into your life you will be dragged down into their self destruction,toxic pit of dispair.:(

your right..love is about mutual respect,trust and honesty….thank you for letting me hear that tonight…i needed to.

I am still reeling over my breakup with a psychopath whom I thought was the love of my life. This man came into my life 7 years ago. He was everything I needed at the time. My husband and I were having marital problems, and he listened and understood. He said all the right things. He said I was beautiful, and he was very persistent. Before I knew it,he was saying he loved me, that I was his soulmate, and that he wanted to spend his life with me, and I found myself head over heels in love with him.

He promised me so much. Said I was the love of his life. Said he would take care of me. I bought every line. I ignored all the red flags…his pushing the relationship to quickly, his controlling ways, and his horrible temper. I overlooked it all because I was starved for affection and love, and that is exactly what he showered me with…at first.

I have believed with all my heart that this man truly loved me. Even after catching him in so many lies. He said he was seperated and going through a divorce. I find out he’s still living with her and they are not divorced. He was a master at explaining everything away, and I wanted to believe so bad.

Everyone told me to be careful, but I defended him to the end. Now it is 7 years later. 7 years of my life gone. My marriage was broken up because my husband discovered the affair. I have 2 daughters that had to go through having their family split apart. I have so much guilt for hurting them. I have lost basically everything, and I am having to start my life over at 42.

He disappeared from my life a month ago. Just gone. I was devastated and almost suicidal. I spent two weeks in hell before he called. I didn’t answer so he came to my work. Of course he had a reason for the disappearance which ended up being my fault. He begged and pleaded and promised he would never do it again. He assured me of his pending divorce…even had papers! However after all the pain I had been through I was reluctant to believe him, but once again I desperatly wanted to. I told him to call me when his divorce was final, and at first he agreed. The next day the calls started, and before I knew it we were back to talking, saying I love you, and planning a wonderful future together. I refused to see him though. After a week and a half of his reassurance and empty promises and just enough time for me to get back on the hook, he has disappeared again. Friday will be a week.

I am once again destroyed. I feel like he killed me and then brought me to back to life only to kill me again. The pain is horrible. After reading other posts, I am convinced that he is a psychopath. I don’t know how to move past my guilt and all the people I have hurt because of my bad choices. And to top it off, I still love him. I realize I am in love with a man who does not truly exist, and I am hanging on to a future that was a lie. My entire life for the past 7 years has been a lie. How do I recover from this?

Aj, first of all I’ll say our stories are very similar and I will assure you just by what you wrote he IS IS IS a psychopath. The love bombing, the lying, the covering, the empty promises, the stonewalling(silent treatment) the the reverting back. He has ALL the stages covered!! 100%

So now that you know (and keep reading to feel sure its liberating and amazing when you find similarities) you need to start to make the choice to recover(Donna told me that personally) I’ll post a link that she posted to me a little while ago.

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/

Also, its OK to still love him I’ve learned. Because we are loving, caring, empaths we don’t have the ability like them to just “shut it off” we have FEELINGS that are REAL! So its ok! Don’t try to shut it off. just feel it and make the choice to move on.

I’m only about 3 months out(well really the end has been about a year long process) but I have made that “choice” for about 3 months and slowly seems to be working…..

Oh aj. My heart goes out to you. Here’s what I have to share with you. Firstly, the pain you are feeling is known to so many of us here. That terrible physical and mental anguish. It will not last aj, it feels almost unbearable in the aftermath of their discard or our discovery of their lies, or after violence. However. Hang on to some tried and tested solutions that have helped many of us to survive until the pain becomes manageable. Firstly, from all you have told in your post you are clearly dealing with an exploitative, manipulative individual with no honour or integrity. This person has knowingly and deliberately harmed you, your family and disrespected his own wife for years. This is NOT someone who is going to have a radical change of personality. People rarely change radically. Personality disordered narcissists and psychopaths cannot experience the anguish you are experiencing aj because they don’t have thnoe capacity to empathise with . another’s pain nor do they feel any remorse if they caused the pain. So firstly, hang on to what this man has done and accept he will not change this will help you commit to the vital first step towards managing the pain and protecting yourself going forward so you can begin to heal from this nightmare…NO CONTACT!! Put this into effect right now, today. No calls. No email. No texts. No agreeing to meet. No answering the door if he shows up. Get a call blocking and text blocking app on your phone if you have a smart phone these apps are free . Filter emails from his adresses to a ‘bin’ email that you set up for that purpose so you don’t see them . Better, filter to delete immediately so you won’t be able to read them. My abuser stalks me so I filter his email to an archive. Show him you mean business. Show him through your actions that his days of abusing you are finished and that you see him as he is. End it. Then the pain lessens. With time. Peace and love to you aj. Let out the feelings here. You aren’t alone.

Thank you so much for the support. I am still in shock and denial, and my heart is so broken. I am not contacting him in any way. I feel like the only thing I have going for me is the fact that as far as he knows, I don’t give a damn that he’s gone. Over the past 7 years we have “broken up” many times. It has always been of his doing. He would have an overreaction to something absolutely ridiculous and would disappear on me. In the beginning he would only disappear for a few hours before he was begging and pleading and crying and apologizing wanting to reconcile. Every time after that he would go longer and longer. This past time being 2 full weeks.

The thing is is that when he got ready to reconcile, by God he had to have his way. It was never if I wanted to reconcile. He would be ice cold…Jeckyl and Hyde, not answering the phone or replying to texts…until HE was ready. Then he would blow up my phone with calls and texts. He would threaten to come to my house when my children and husband were home if I didn’t talk to him. He would come to my work, show up at the grocery story, the gym where my daughters do cheer, and even pull up next to me at red lights! Then it was all apologies and I love yous and I promise to never yell at you, hang up on you, blah blah blah again, and I bought it every time! The good times were so amazing, unlike anything I had ever known, but the bad were so bad.

How could I be so stupid? He used to make me promise him that I would never leave him and say that he would love me forever and, “I will never let you go.” He said if I ever slept with another man he would kill them. I always thought he was just being dramatic…now I’m not so sure. He had a very violent side…his profession is one in which he can be violent and abusive on a daily basis and get away with it. He has no empathy for anyone, I don’t think, even though he faked it pretty well.

This time is different. I think he waited 2 weeks this past breakup hoping I would forget what a jerk he had been. I think he thought I would be missing him so much that I would let him walk back into my life…no questions asked. Even though I had been talking to him, I refused to see him. He begged to take me to dinner or lunch or “just coffee”. “I just want to be near you. I need you. I realize I can’t live without you. All I’ve thought about the past two weeks is our life together and how I can’t be without you.” But I still refused to see him. Now I am convinced he was using me for sex, and that since I refused to see him he gave up trying. I think that’s why he disappeared this time, and I think I won’t ever hear from him again. I bet his wife doesn’t even know anything and there is no divorce.

It’s all so sick because after everything my heart still wants to hear from him. I want him to tell me it’s all a mistake! Then my life would make sense again. My head tells me it’s really over this time that he is gone for good. That he threw me away like he would toss garbage. My friend, whose been with me through it all, says he will be back because that’s what he’s done for seven years. She thinks he’s dangerous and that when he said he would never let me go he meant it. I don’t know what to think. Nothing he ever did or could ever do would seem “out of character” for him. I just want the pain to lessen so I can function and get on with my life, but it seems like it gets worse.

Aj, he will NEVER be sorry or realize who you really are or any mistakes he’s made. He needs to find a way to blame everything on you. I KNOW it hurts but it DOES start to go away. I learned a hard lesson about a month ago when I thought I would try ONE MORE TIME to get him to “understand” me and it ended up in a physical altercation…

Them getting upset over RIDICULOUS things is their way of projecting blame.

You are addicted and trauma bonded. Just like I was and still am. But its slowly starting to dissipate with every day. I still have bad days but the fact and pain that he completely discarded me is going away. The more I educated myself on here the more I realize that it was HIM and not ME!

aj,
Welcome to Lovefraud!No one should have to experience what we have;this site shouldn’t be necessary….but I’m so thankful that Donna set it up and that there is a place to gain the support and education to understand what happened and to take positive steps towards healing!Tea Light gave you excellent advice that has PROVEN to WORK in these situations!

My goodness… this “ditto’s” my experience. When I first posted on here and toyed with the term “sociopath” I was struggling with the definition because he didn’t do horrible things to me like I have read about on this site. But what I realized(especially since being assaulted last month) that it WOULD have eventually got to that point. Everyone’s stories started off this way and those that were married to these people for 30 years I’m sure can look back and agree is was gradual right? The writer and I are lucky to escape when we did and I am thankful for that. I certainly don’t want to undermine those who’s experiences were more drawn out and horrific. I learn so much from everyone here. Good post. Thanks

aj1201 – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry you had to find us. What you are describing is a died-in-the-wool sociopath. All of the behaviors – from the love bombing to the threats – are so typical. You might want to get my book – “Red Flags of Love Fraud” – it explains how they do it, and why you fell for it. We also have 2,000 articles on this website – you’ll find lots of information and support.

The key to recovery is no contact – you have to get out of his web of deception. And these relationships are highly addictive – if you’re feeling a compulsion to contact him, that’s why. That is why No Contact is so important – it enables you to break the addiction.

You can recover. It will be messy and painful for awhile, but you can do it.

Aj, first …(((Hug))) second, you have a good friend who sees this man – correctly in my view – as a danger to your well being at the very least. You must take your friend’s concern for you seriously aj, the behaviour you describe is highly abusive. I have encountered similar behaviour. I met a man at my place of work he was and is living in another country and was not wearing a wedding ring. He appeared highly courteous, cultured, introverted. He began lovebombing me with a vengeance. It was à six month campaign of psychological warfare- lies, (he was living with his wife and young son and telling me they lived apart and were divorcing), the same things you were told (l was the woman he had waited for all his life, I ‘belonged’ to him, I would never have another man, mine would be the last face he saw before he died etc) minimum of 3 calls à day often each an hour of him lovebdombing me till I felt totally divorced from reality, weepy, tired all the time, unable to focus at work….lovebombing is psychological abuse, it has nothing to ido with real love which goes hand in hand with compassion, respect for the other’s boundaries and preferences and all that good stuff! It is a form of mind control that these disordered people engage in to try and acheive control over us and to make us emotionally and sexually dependent on them. It is about eroding our boundaries and rending us unable to think straight, to act independently of them and their goals. Our health and peace of mind and needs NEVER matter with a man like this. The goal of my abuser was to line up a replacement for his second wife if and when she finally left him and to enjoy himself seducing and controlling me and sexually abusing me in the meantime. The more you believe the lie that they love you the weaker you remain and the less able you are to think straight and protect yourself. The lovebombing and chaos that follows ( idealising you then discarding you) creates à toxic addiction to the abuse
as Donna and serenity say. Aj, you are going to pull through!! Be strong! Stay safe and keep posting. We’ll help you in your journey. Peace and love to you.

Tea, so funny about the love bombing as a form of abuse you’re spot on! At one point my ex had tried SO HARD to sleep with this other woman while we were going though a rough spot and his excuse was that he was “trying to move on” soooo using this poor woman(who wanted a relationship and a nice girl) just as a way to help your ego “move on” I ended up finding out through a mutual friend and her and I actually ended up chatting about it. She said it was weird that he wanted to move SO fast and was SO desperate to have a physical relationship…she did not speak to him again and after he found out we spoke he called HER and our mutual friend telling them I was irate and was going to “hurt myself” what a load!!

And most recently he found out that I had started dating someone and he was SOOOOO hurt and started blaming, projecting, and stonewalling me. I mentioned I ran into him about 3 weeks ago and he said he was hurt that I had moved on and he hadn’t….but that he is now. He was SOOOOO hurt but met someone ans is moving SO fast again…just using the next to get over the last or to hurt the last.

Lol even reverting back to his ex that he cheated on with ME!! Asking her to have more babies etc…. just DESPERATE!!!

This lyric from Woody Guthrie’s Hoping Machine is on my fridge it helps me day to day

Whatever you do, wherever you go
Don’t lose your grip on life
And that means
Don’t let any earthly calamity knock your dreamer
And your hoping machine
Out of order

Dear aj,
welcome to this site, it has helped me so much. It’s only been 6 weeks since I last saw my ex. Since then I’ve been through pain like I’ve never experienced and total confusion – my brain simply couldn’t believe that I’d been fooled by someone with a cruel mental illness for over a year!! I’ve blocked him everywhere apart from text – problem on blackberry. He’s still texting about how much he loves me, can’t get over me etc….

Donna’s book and a book called ‘Pyschopaths and the Women who love them’ by Susan Brown have helped me enormously to understand the Socio/Psychopath and their methods. It is only by educating myself on this that I can see him for what he is, a shallow predator unable to feel emotions like I do.

I now realise there is NO POINT in even communicating with him, he cannot understand me any better than I can understand his way of being. I thought about him constantly at first and was desperate to be proved wrong and get back to how we were, but now I realise that was all fantasy, he was using his techniques to get what he wanted from me.

He showed all the red flgs that Donna mentions – love bombing, the stare, flattery, lying, pity play, pushing to get married etc…there can be no doubt that he is a sociopath. He was living with someone else the whole time – classic behaviour from what I can see on this website. They hate to be alone.

You’re doing the right thing not contacting, I’ve only had no contact for just over a week. But without educating myself on their behaviour, I think I’d have gone back to him. I was addicted to the excitement and passion I felt with him, but he wasn’t real. He was fake – even now as I write I find it hard to believe that people like him exist. I was in such shock when I realised all this – I couldn’t function on any level.

I’ve read that they like strong women who they find at difficult time in their lives. They may have had a loss or be lonely and that makes good prey. I found it so difficult to understand how I could have been taken in – I’ve always been such a good judge of character and very intuitive – but he hooked me in and got me under his spell at a tough point in my life. Friends said that when they saw me after I’d been with him, I wasn’t ‘present’, it was like he entranced me. I didn’t listen at the time, I thought it meant I was in love!!

i will always listen to friends in the future and listen to my gut instinct. I did always have the feeling that something didn’t add up.

aj, the pain does pass, I am proof of that. I know I have a way to go, but the crippling, debilitating feelings of loss have gone. I know I’m a strong person and will look back on this period of my life as a gift which has made me realise I need to give myself all the things that the Spath refelcted back to me – love, nurturing and self-belief. It was a tough way to learn this lesson, but I wouldn’t have listened any other way.

Big love to you all

Thank you so much for all the support. Reading about your experiences, and hearing that it does get better, helps so much because at times the pain is still overwhelming. I havn’t had any contact for exactly one week today, and I don’t believe I will hear from him ever again. It feels like he not only deceived and abused me for 7 years, but now he has left me. It’s like one final slap in the face. Part of me wants him to contact me so that I can reject him and feel like I ended things, but I know myself and the pattern well enough to know that I don’t know if I could be that strong. I want to think I would be strong enough to resist, but I would probably once again believe all his lies and let him back into my life all the time knowing it would only be a matter of time before he would change his mind and toss me again.

The hardest part is that there are good memories EVERYWHERE! We both live in the same city, and it’s not that big. So every white Explorer that I see on the road makes my heart stop. It seems as if there are ghosts everywhere. Everything I see and everywhere I go reminds me of him. When I am out, I get panicky. It may sound crazy, but he was in constant contact with me, always wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. He would say he was protective of me and worried about me. He wanted to know I was always safe, and I believed him. Then I started to realize that when he disappeared on me, he didn’t worry about me anymore. How is that possible? If worry and care about someone is genuine, does it come and go? Now I don’t think it had anything to do with anything other than him keeping tabs on me. He would text and call me probably 20-30 times a day easily, and if I didn’t respond or answer he would want to know why. He would say, if you don’t let me know you are ok and where you are, how can I protect you? Sometimes I would be in the grocery store or some other store,and this feeling would come over me. I would look around and there he would be! And I have to say, being protected and loved that much felt sooooo good especially since my husband was the total oposite. But it was all a charade. I realize that now.

But old habits die hard. I am so used to calling him (because he told me to) when I leave work, calling him when I get home, calling him if I leave the house again, calling him before I go to bed at night, and in between all that, having him call me many times a day. I miss it, even though I tell myself he was doing it for control not love.

He was my best friend…I thought. I told him everything. We laughed and talked about everything and nothing. I thought our connection was so deep. I don’t see how that can be faked. I can not fathom it. I miss the friendship. But with every day that passes that I don’t hear from him, the truth becomes clearer. Why would you just walk away from “the love of your life, the woman you want to spend your life with”? You wouldn’t.

It’s like I am having to find myself again because I was so wrapped up in him. I stopped doing things I enjoyed, going places I liked to go, and hanging out with friends all because the crap he would put me through after just wasn’t worth it. He would say “Where did you go? Who was there? Did any guys hit on you? Did you flirt with anyone? Who did you talk to? Why did you stay so long?”. The questioning was relentless. If I said anything that he didn’t like or that upset him, there was hell to pay. To say that he would throw a tantrum identicle to that of a 3 year old is an understatement, and I would be the one who would end up apologizing to him in order to make things right between us again. I’m not saying he never apologized because he was the KING of apologies…tears and all…academy award winning performance!

So thank you for listening to me. Getting it all out makes it real, and it helps me to remember that things weren’t so wonderful. I’m starting to see the relationship for what it was…a complete illusion.

Jayo, it’s wonderful to read that you are feeling less debiliated by your traumatic realisation that your ex partner has sociopathic traits. You’re doing great. It’s been 6months since I last saw my abuser and nearly 8 weeks since I rang him and yelled at him in anger and despair to stop texting calling and sending things. I am still having to work hard to keep my focus on protecting myself with no contact and I like to come to LF very regularly still so I do not ever forget what he is . You are being so strong and resilient , don’t ever let him back in to harm you again! Peace and love

Eugenie-

People who lie to you in order to have sex with you or elicit love from you are not your friend. They are committing rape-by-fraud and emotional rape. The reason victims become depressed and suicidal is that an insidious form of rape has happened to them, and they feel defiled.

Predators who behave this way are not attracted to you for all the reasons they claim. They simply know what you want to hear and what will get your approval. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and others with Anti-Social Personality Disorders are taking what they want, and giving false hopes in return for caring, kindness and sex. It takes a special type of depravity to behave that way.

If you reverse the role in your mind between you and the predator, you’ll begin to see just how depraved the behavior actually is. The seducer is an actor, performing on a stage and carrying out a form of sexual perversion through their charade. What the victim is to them is not the audience. They are their own audience. We’re merely their props and end up feeling dehumanized when we learn the truth.

Often the truth is such an overwhelming shock that our minds try to keep reality from hitting us hard by closing our eyes and pretending there was validity in their seduction. A Betrayal Bond, an unhealthy attachment to a predator, is a mind’s way of masking the pain.

You are fortunate that a child did not result from your relationship. The poor woman who’s house he lives in will have to deal with him for her entire lifetime.

What you now know is that predators of this type truly exist, and that knowledge will help protect you from falling prey in the future. You simply fell into a predator’s path. It doesn’t mean that all men are predators.

It is extremely difficult to separate from a predator once a loving bond is established. He continues to sound as he always did, smell as he always did, look as he always did, and more. What takes effort to part with is your sense of being a loved self. And that interest in continuing to be a loved self can easily draw you back, regardless that you know the truth. What you need to recognize is that your love for yourself is far more relevant and important to your well being than the false love that this charlatan tricked you into believing.

Betrayal Bonds keep us glued as readily as bonds of love. If you have difficulty breaking a betrayal bond, seek help.

Joyce

Joyce… you just nailed something for me so thank you. I was “raped’ many times by my exspath…..I contracted an STD about a few months after we met. I found out and contacted the 2 people I slept with before him and did the right thing my asking them…. They both INNEDIATELY went and got tested and called me within days saying they were clean….my exspath said he was clean too….but the night I found out about it and devastated he came over and wanted to have SEX!!! I realize now it was because HE was the one who HAD it!! All along! and made mee feel like a dirty slut! Using it as a way to ask who I had been with…. so sick

And one night he checked my phone while I was sleeping. Woke up, we had sex, THEN he brought up the things he read on my phone that made him angry!! AFTER the sex!

Anyway thanks for the perspective….

When a person gives you incorrect biographical information about themselves in order to seduce you, they are defrauding you for sex… that’s rape-by-fraud. Telling you he’s healthy when he’s not gives you incorrect biographical information. There are probably other things you believe to be true about this man that are not accurate. Predators who are capable of lying to elicit sex often lie about a multiple of things. So if you felt defiled by this man, it’s little wonder.

Now it’s up to you to make sure you don’t fall for another charlatan!

Emotional Rape and Rape by Fraud is exactly what has happened to me. Thanks Joyce for explaining that. It makes sense of the nonsense of the lies and betrayal from him.

The message in all this has been that I have to change and free myself from the limiting beliefs that I’ve held all my life. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love simply for being me, that I had to earn love. I believed that nobody wanted me, that I wasn’t worhty of happiness.

The message from the relationship with the Spath has forced me into acknowledging these beliefs and letting them go. All I have done for the last 6 weeks since I untangled myself is to try to grow. I’ve read everything I can about Socio/Pscyhopaths and this website has been so helpful. ( I’ve also cried a lot and hit a lot of cushions)

Every day I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but in a gentle way and I’ve been rewarded with new friends, new experiences and most of all new belief in myself. I can see that I’m okay, that I don’t need to look for others love to fill the black hole of emptiness I’ve felt in the past from not being good enough.

I feel calm and positive about the future, I’ve only just begun and finally, I know I’m good enough
Jayo (Eugenie)

I’m so glad to have been of some help to you Jayo!

Sometimes knowing there’s a name for something helps us come to grips with it. Beforehand, we just have disjointed feelings that could overwhelm us. Once we know what it is, we can plan a path of recovery.

My personal thought about recovery is that we have to accept that we can never go back. We can never regain our not raped selves. What we can do is use our new found knowledge to keep us safe in the future. And the concept that we have a say in keeping ourselves safe is empowering.

Sounds like you could use some help staying positive about yourself. Make sure to get plenty of sleep and exercise to maintain a positive frame of mind. Get out and do things you enjoy and stay away from folks who try to talk you down.

jm_short,
It is interesting to read how spaths can be their own audience!They enjoy acting that much…that they’re able to entertain themselves…but the problem being that it’s to the detriment of others!My husband always bragged about what a good actor he is!

Even now,he is trying to prove what a “spiritual man” he is,because he knows that is what means the most to me.However,I’m not fooled.He’s known for years how God expects man to treat his wife.How can he think he has God’s approval?

Blossom that man has some serious soul searching and asking with humility for forgiveness. Until then, he can turn up to church all he likes. It means nothing without asking for your and your daughters’ forgiveness. He’s kidding himself. But God isn’t falling for it any more than you are. Shame on him.

Tea Light,
The “spiritual act” my husband is putting on would really bother me if it weren’t for the fact that I know God reads hearts and I have the faith and confidence that this situation is well taken care of;whether now or later.

Blossom, I’m sure you are right! My abuser you might remember took the election of Pope Francis as an opportunity to make unwanted contact with me by text and email, that is with me the woman he lied to about being married , married that id to a devout catholic, married asin in a catholic religious ceremony where you commit yourself permanently and vow not to be unfaithful. His exact words? Habimus Papum darling I miss you so much and wanted to share this special moment with you. His wifewwas probably cooking his dinner at the time, opening a window of opportunity for him to sneak to the computer and craft his nauseating little lovebomb. Do they KNOW what hypocrite even means Blossom ????!?!!

Tea Light,
I don’t know about all sociopaths,but my husband has had the advantage of having all the information that I do,when it comes to spiritual matters.So he knows EXACTLY what hypocrite means and how the word originated!Either he just doesn’t CARE or doesn’t see it as being applicable to his behavior!Maybe it’s a bit of both!

Maybe this sounds crazy,but I almost would rather my husband were unfaithful than holding me prisoner in a loveless marriage!He knows as long as he doesn’t commit adultery,we are married in God’s eyes.

blossom4th,

A long time ago when I was married to the psychopath, I thought like you do. I was saved by a book named Life is for Loving by Eric Butterworth, a Unity Minister. He said that it is more immoral to stay in a loveless marriage than to leave it.

A marriage made by deciet is not a marriage made by God. Think about our loving God, do you really mean that you think you are, or ever were, married in God’s eyes if he decieved you into thinking he was something he is not.

I was treated like and felt like a whore in that so called marriage where I thought I was trapped. I knew it felt wrong but I was confused by my own values. He had no values. It takes two people with values to make a marriage and a psychopath has none. There is no way that a marriage to a psychopath could ever be a marriage made in heaven.

A marriage to a psychopath cannot ever be a real mrriage, it can only be a psychopath taking a hostage using our values to trap us in an illusion of marriage. They even decieve the church in making a vow that they know they can never keep. But God is not decieved. God is never decieved.

Now I have been married for 30 years to a man who I love and loves me back and treats me with respect. That is a marriage made in heaven. It is my only marriage. The other was a hoax perpetrated on me by evil incarnate.

I hope you find the wisdom and courage to free yourself from this deception.

This is an amazing story. I’m glad you had the courage to leave, find resources to help you break the spell, and get on with your life. I truly feel relationships with sociopaths are life-threatening. They will eat you alive. And there is no such thing as a “nice” sociopath. What he did to you was evil and twisted. He had absolutely no empathy, no concern for you or your well-being.

One of the things that woke me up during my four-year nightmare marriage to a sociopathic addict was a story my sister told me. She knew a woman who was a great school teacher. The woman was set to retire soon, in her early 50s. She’d been in a terrible relationship with a deceitful man who moved to another state for work but held onto her in this strange long-distance marriage. This woman was a kind and loved woman at work, but her husband was a a jerk, a user and a liar.

She found out she had cancer. Her husband didn’t even come to visit her in the hospital. Now this was the man who was going to be her decision maker in her most vulnerable and tragic time. He would make financial decisions, medical decisions, etc. This was her life partner she chose for herself.

I told myself I’d never want to wake up one day and find my life was in the hands of a sociopath. So I left my ex-husband. I also dumped a guy I’d been dating for two months who exhibited early signs of being a sociopath as well. It was all textbook. Both my ex-husband and short-term boyfriend did the same thing: lovebombing, mirroring what I wanted, calling me soulmate, lying constantly, blaming others for their shortcomings, running hot and cold, manipulating, etc.

I’m so glad I’m out of there.

betsybugs,
I’m not with my husband;I left him almost 6 monthes ago.So although we’re still legally married,I’m no longer under his spell;no longer enabling his actions by being the caring person that I am.I’m not seeking another relationship right now as I feel I have more healing to do and other things that must take priority.I’m fully confident that justice will be served in this case though.You’re so right that God is not deceived!

Cassandrasdream,
I keep a Durable Power of Attorney in my wallet and on file at Dr’s offices and the local hospital.It shows my choice of health care representative.When I left my husband,I updated it,by removing his name and choosing someone else.As for my husband,should he be in a medical emergency,he does not have access to my phone number,so he had to replace my name with one of our daughters’.

Good work Blossom. I ended up putting the abuser on my pension as the recipient in the event of my death that’s about £100,000. $150,000 ish?. That was how intense and mind altering the 6 months of lovebombing was. He spoke about how his 70 year old mother who is in good health ‘would not live forever’ and that ‘we’ would live in her flat which he will inherit. He was obsessed with her apartment, he’d chosen it himself 3 minutes walk from the apartment he shares with his wife and son. He covets that apartment. It made me feel uneasy. The longer out I am the worse and the wierder his personality appears.

I’m glad you are both taking care of yourselves in the most practical sense. Marriage makes us extremely vulnerable.

Tea Light,
Can’t you have his name removed from your pension?! I’d think it would be similar to changing a will.

I’m on the case Blossom, it’s a work administered pension scheme so you write to the trustees requesting the change, I cannot believe I put him as the beneficiary. I lost my mind, he brain washed me, it’s only 2 months nc that I am seeing what happened to me. Thanks for your concern love x

Don’t feel bad,Tea Light.We were all “brainwashed”.I can’t believe I gave 23 yrs of my life to spath!!! It was the fog!Glad you’re on the case! 🙂

We’re out now Blossom, that’s the main thing. But my God I wouldn’t mind having the stolen time back , that’s what kills me, he stole so much time, and there is not a second I don’t regret or resent having given him. I’m pretty angry today. I saw Amanda Knox on TV and thought ‘psychopath, liar, pity play, cold, acting’ whereas when the trial was happening I was ambivalent, I thought perhaps she was innocent.

Help needed. My ex is sending me messages, I am going to find out how to block text on blackberry asap. But I need help. I know he’s trying to get me back under his control. I have a list of things he lied about which is a very long list!!! and I actually don’t want to see him, but I am so sad about the whole non-relationship. I have a few things in life that I need to make decisions on and I find that tough. I wanted him to sort everything out – my handsome prince – and I thought we’d live happily ever after……

I’m going to type out his text I know the answers as to why I should totally ignore him, but I need others to reinforce it. I’m feeling weak.

Text: ‘I am a completely changed person, my deception of you (with partner I was living with)was a nightmare. Each time I left you I felt sad that I was living a lie that the person who I wanted to be with every morning was not the person who I had a child with, but was you. I longed to be with you, watching a film, having a meal, or away on holiday or away in the UK. I would never hurt you again and would spend the future just making you smile and happy.

True love is also about compassion and forgiveness, you must realise I love you. I have not slept one single night since you left me. I have not thought of anyone but you, don’t be stubborn and let me show how I have changed. I don’t expect to let your emotional barriers down immediately, but I don’t believe, hand on heart, that we have finished our love affair. I don’t want anyone else to touch me. Just you. ‘

I know this is a load of bullshit, but its having an impact. I’m nearly believing he’s okay. Can’t believe he’s so able to manipulate when I know that I don’t want to even see him.

Have just read through my own post and can see through the lies – it’s embarrassing _ could it be more obvious that he’s a sociopath??

Jayo, that’s WAY to long of a text….they don’t read them, or they just read what they want to hear….

All I can say is if I could go back and just write “leave me alone. You’re a liar. I’m over you” and GET THE LAST WORD!! I would LOVE to have that moment back!! I remember feeling weak too… I’ve only been about 1 month NC and I would now NEVER respond anyway but like that….

From all our experiences the more you contact the worse it gets and the smaller you will feel….. mine got to the point of a physical assault and I started out like you “wondering” if he was a sociopath for the same reason LYING!!

So about a month ago I sent a Lonnnnngggggg email asking what I thought were thoughtful, calm, rational questions and comments that I thought FOR SURE he would respond to…..nothing. Now I feel discarded and awful.

Its the SAME story for everyone on here and everyone will tell you the SAME thing NC NC NC NC NC NC NC!! Its PROVEN to work!!

He’s a LIAR!! Regardless of what his title is…. that’s bad enough!!

HOLD YOUR DIGNITY TO THE HIGHEST REGARD!

I WISH I could get that back sooooooooo bad!

Jayo, it is embarassing, you’re right, but it’s also predictable and it’s also harassment. I get the same stuff from my – married – abuser. I can’t sleep! I have destroyed your love for me! All I want is to touch your face! I see your Mona Lisa smile in my dreams! (see mine out embarasses yours on the lovebombing bs jayo!!) Translation: I am displeased that you have rejected me after discovering my lies / after my abuse of whatever kind made my repellent personality clear to you. I am stimulated by the idea of overcoming your natural repulsion towards me which I may accomplish by feeding you empty promises and flattery. If this doesnt work I’ve only lost the time it took to text this rubis. If it works I will get a rush from my win and probably some sex too’. Jayo….stay far, far, far away. I have callblocker x for Android on my phone it was free and blocks texts. You’ll find something for a BlackBerry. Stay strong. He’s not a good man and he can’t and wont change.

Thanks to Serenity and Tea Light. That’s exactly what I need to hear.

It’s shocked me how I can be so manipulated, even through a text. He knows exactly what to say to get to me.

I love the translation – it’s so true! It made me laugh to think of how hollow his words are.

In all this, I don’t even want to see him. I would find him repulsive. I don’t want to hear his lies. I have sorted out blocking his texts now. I think I was flattered by his declarations of love – but as you point out in the translation, it’s all false. He’s a liar, a cheat and a manipulator and I’m worth much more than a few cheap promises.

Yes you are jayo. Good work blocking the texts.Real love does’nt flatter us or nuke our minds with lovebombs -real love is evidenced in consistently kind, caring, respectful actions towards us that make us realise over time that the other person admires and values us simply for the person we are, not for what we have that they want possession of. I’m sure my abuser gets his lovebomb lines from dialogue he’s heard on TV. It’s meaningless. Someone on LF once observed lovebombs are like emptycalorie junk foods. This stuff he has been sending you is the equivalent of a krispy kreme when you actually need a home cooked nutritionally balanced meal! Have a lovely day jayo and look after you.

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