Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as “Angela.”
I am in the beginning stages of divorcing my sociopath husband. Today, I went to the house to move out, since my children and I left with nothing 6 weeks ago. He was allowed to be there, though I don’t understand why as I have a restraining order against him. That was a ”¦ well, it was a sociopathic experience. He laughed and joked with the police officers who were mediating the whole circus and as soon as I left, he took to social media to talk about his “feelings.” He rambled on about how cold and heartless I am, and how I will realize what I’ve lost when it’s too late.
Are you joking??????
One of the millions of frustrating things about living with and leaving a sociopath has been the projection. Every nasty word that comes out of his mouth about me is actually everything that can be said about him. It’s almost the only way I get to hear any (backwards) honesty from him. He says I do drugs (he abuses cocaine, pills, steroids, adderall). He says I left him for someone else (he slept with my ‘friend’). He says I don’t care about or deserve my children (he hasn’t seen his son since I left because he’s “too upset” to be a parent). He says I’m a liar and used him for money (he emptied my bank account day after I left, almost $6000). I could go on and on ”¦
What I realize now
At first, I wanted to shout from the highest mountain and tell everyone “No!! That’s HIM!! Not me!!” But I realized several things recently. First of all, it’s harder to “prove” an untruth with a sociopath than it is for people to believe what he’s saying. It’s more unbelievable to think this “nice” guy is that crazy than it is to think a wife just up and left her husband for another man.
Second, I have limited emotional and spiritual energy right now as I have been so severely depleted throughout this process ”¦ I can’t waste what energy I have in beating my head against the proverbial wall and trying to convince people that I’m not what he says I am, and its actually him. Dr. Suess said, “The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind don’t matter.” That is the attitude I’m taking with all of this too. The people that really love and care about me see exactly what’s going on, as well as the police in my town, and THOSE are the people I will invest in relationships with. Screw the rest of ’em. Besides, who’s believing him anyways? Fellow drug addicts and mentally unstable people. Good riddance.
Finally, I have realized that in order to fully escape his control, I have to be ok with just the personal satisfaction that I know the truth. I know what he is and I know what kind of person I am. He had me questioning everything at the end of the relationship, including my perception of reality. Now, he has ZERO power in how I think or perceive what reality is. Go ahead ”¦ say what you want about me ”¦ I’m rubber, you’re glue ”¦ (there’s my inner child sticking her tongue out).
What I am doing is right
I’ve decided that in order to turn the negative into positive, I’m going to do just that. Every negative thing he says about me is just another validation that leaving wasn’t just the best option, it was the only option. Every new stunt he tries to pull is just another joke, even if it upsets me, inconveniences me, or hurts me. Every day, he reminds me in his own way that what I did, and am doing, is right. Every day, he reminds me that I’m a good person and deserve better, more. Every day, he reminds me what a sick person he is. Every day, he reminds me how lucky I am to have great kids, family, friends, and support. And every day, he reminds me how fortunate I am just to be able to feel and recognize ALL of this.
Thank you, Spath. 😉
Am stuck In terrible relationship, but why don’t I have the strenghth to move on, am I stuck here, am so afraid, I’d rather take this torture than be without my kids, he says if I leave I hv left the kids and am not worthy to see them, he has done wrong why should I be punished again, am not the one who is destroying the family so why should I leave and not him. Where do I find the strength to be brave and take him head on.25 years of lies, abuse, cheating with multiple women and I only found out that it was random women Aug last year, how could I have been so blind. Have any of you ever come across someone who takes advantage of any situation to lie and cheat, even someones death, he is unbelievable, he makes excuses on a blink of an eye, amazing mind
beatrixbee,
If you separate from a spath, you’re taking care of yourself, doing right by yourself. I know about the mental agony (it feels like torture), the roller-coaster ride of ups-and-downs. Spaths make us weak because they suck the life out of us. Being involved with a spath is constant drama, never having complete peace, rest. You have the God-given right to take care of yourself. Being in a healthier environment can do wonders (allowing you to actually thrive due to the absence of so much STRESS). The spath is feeding you lies (eg. telling you that you would not be worthy to see your children is a load of b.s.), trying to keep you in his game, his world. Separation from a toxic person is critical sometimes, especially for our own well-being.
Beatrixbee – what you are describing is typical sociopathic manipulation. His intention is to weaken you and control you. Perhaps you can read more here on Lovefraud to understand what he is all about. Then, when he says those detrimental things, say to yourself, “There he goes again.” Focus on detaching from his harmful words, knowing that they aren’t true.
Beatrixbee,
I spent 23 yrs of my life with a sociopath.We have 3 daughters together.I was scared stiff I couldn’t make it on my own,with children.That is what they do to our self-esteem;to our minds!Anyway,I stayed and thought I was holding up well,but today I have fibromyalgia.My body and mind started falling apart as all that stress took it’s toll!I separated from my husband for 5 yrs.By that time there were only 2 girls still at home.I felt so at peace and found happiness during that time!Then after a freak accident and panic attacks,I went back with my husband.I could kick myself for doing that!It was worse than ever!NEVER go back to a sociopath!All the girls are grown now.I left my husband again almost 5 monthes ago and I’m healing.THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL IS TO GET AWAY FROM THE SOCIOPATH!
I know there are so many articles to read here;it can be a bit overwhelming at first,and kind of hard to know where to start.I thought this article might help you. http://www.lovefraud.com/2009/11/06/believing-the-unbelievable-sets-us-free/comment-page-10/
Thank you all so much for the advise, I just need to get this fear out of me, maybe when I talk to Donna she’ll put some sense into my head. What a eye opening website, for years I thought I was the only one going through this, I even believed that I was just a Paraniod nagging wife, how could my husband, Father of my children ever do the crazy stuff I thought I was accusing him of doing,I accused him of un-imaginary things,I really thought I was MAD, Suddenly all those things were actually happening, even worse then I thhought, suddenly I realised our 25 years together was all a lie,my world came crashing down. Years and Years of lies and cheating, how can someone keep this up, this is why am filled with fear. I pray everyday asking God ‘why’.
The “why” questions are such torture, I know. But the truth is, we will never understand our spaths. We can’t, because we can only think like rational, empathic human beings, and that’s not what they are. Their thought processes are very different from our own, and there’s no way we can relate to them. I’ve had the hardest time just letting go of the “why,” but it has been so very helpful.
The basic point to remember is that he’s an spath and that’s what they do- that is the only answer to “why?”.
I understand about the projecting- I’ve learned about the lies he was telling others about me, and all of them had to do with his own behavior grafted on to me. Crazy! But, fate has been very kind to me, and I’ve actually met and talked to some of his “friends.” They were amazed that the person they met (me) was completely different to how I was portrayed. Now, I actually have some new friends, and he’s lost them. lol!
living well is the best revenge….great post!! 🙂