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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath has zero power over how I think

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as “Angela.”

I am in the beginning stages of divorcing my sociopath husband. Today, I went to the house to move out, since my children and I left with nothing 6 weeks ago. He was allowed to be there, though I don’t understand why as I have a restraining order against him. That was a ”¦ well, it was a sociopathic experience. He laughed and joked with the police officers who were mediating the whole circus and as soon as I left, he took to social media to talk about his “feelings.” He rambled on about how cold and heartless I am, and how I will realize what I’ve lost when it’s too late.

Are you joking??????

One of the millions of frustrating things about living with and leaving a sociopath has been the projection. Every nasty word that comes out of his mouth about me is actually everything that can be said about him. It’s almost the only way I get to hear any (backwards) honesty from him. He says I do drugs (he abuses cocaine, pills, steroids, adderall). He says I left him for someone else (he slept with my ‘friend’). He says I don’t care about or deserve my children (he hasn’t seen his son since I left because he’s “too upset” to be a parent). He says I’m a liar and used him for money (he emptied my bank account day after I left, almost $6000). I could go on and on ”¦

What I realize now

At first, I wanted to shout from the highest mountain and tell everyone “No!! That’s HIM!! Not me!!” But I realized several things recently. First of all, it’s harder to “prove” an untruth with a sociopath than it is for people to believe what he’s saying. It’s more unbelievable to think this “nice” guy is that crazy than it is to think a wife just up and left her husband for another man.

Second, I have limited emotional and spiritual energy right now as I have been so severely depleted throughout this process ”¦ I can’t waste what energy I have in beating my head against the proverbial wall and trying to convince people that I’m not what he says I am, and its actually him. Dr. Suess said, “The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind don’t matter.” That is the attitude I’m taking with all of this too. The people that really love and care about me see exactly what’s going on, as well as the police in my town, and THOSE are the people I will invest in relationships with. Screw the rest of ’em. Besides, who’s believing him anyways? Fellow drug addicts and mentally unstable people. Good riddance.

Finally, I have realized that in order to fully escape his control, I have to be ok with just the personal satisfaction that I know the truth. I know what he is and I know what kind of person I am. He had me questioning everything at the end of the relationship, including my perception of reality. Now, he has ZERO power in how I think or perceive what reality is. Go ahead ”¦ say what you want about me ”¦ I’m rubber, you’re glue ”¦ (there’s my inner child sticking her tongue out).

What I am doing is right

I’ve decided that in order to turn the negative into positive, I’m going to do just that. Every negative thing he says about me is just another validation that leaving wasn’t just the best option, it was the only option. Every new stunt he tries to pull is just another joke, even if it upsets me, inconveniences me, or hurts me. Every day, he reminds me in his own way that what I did, and am doing, is right. Every day, he reminds me that I’m a good person and deserve better, more. Every day, he reminds me what a sick person he is. Every day, he reminds me how lucky I am to have great kids, family, friends, and support. And every day, he reminds me how fortunate I am just to be able to feel and recognize ALL of this.

Thank you, Spath. 😉


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17 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath has zero power over how I think"

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This is such an encouraging post. Thank you – I needed it.

I particularly appreciate the last paragraph.Leaving was the ONLY option!If I hadn’t left when I did,no doubt,I probably would have ended up with a nervous breakdown or worse!As I enjoy my newfound freedom and peace,and healing,I am blossoming forth….and I like myself again!

Thank you both. I am so grateful for this website. This is the place I have turned when I’ve had doubt or fear or anger. I’m glad that my experience can be helpful to others too. I hope that for every single one of us on here something positive and wonderful can result from the trauma we have experienced.

Much love xoxo

Angela,
Thank YOU so much for sharing!I get on here twice a day because I feel that this is where people understand what I’ve been through.I don’t want to “talk people’s ears off” when they have normal relationships and have no understanding.

Blossom, I totally relate. Most people have no idea what to say…mostly I think because they don’t understand (much like how I didn’t understand until I became educated on sociopathy/ASPD). It is so comforting to talk to people who understand..

Angela, I really appreciated your reminder that we must often validate ourselves in our darkest times when it comes to a spath. Glad you are getting away from him. I don’t know why you aren’t in the house. In most states, a mother with children stays in the house. But, safety comes first and I suppose when you sell the house, you will get your share of it to start over in your next home. Again, thank you for reminding us about how much support we can get from outside of the spath’s circle of influence. This site has also helped me so much as I traverse trying to live with one in part of my home. I agree with you completely about their way of telling on themselves in backwards ways. Mine tells half truths and then there is always more to the story. He often tells about things I would never have known about if HE hadn’t brought it up and when the truth comes out, he has done much worse than his story indicates. It IS him. Not you. It is HIM. Not me.

I’m not in the house because he moved us away from my family and friends (isolate much?). Not to mention the fact that the house is so secluded…and he obviously knows where it is at..it is just a higher priority that my kids and I got out of there. And thank you. Validation is VERY important, especially in our darkest moments.

Angela,

You hit, so well, a point of clarity that is of extra importance when trying to get stronger after the end of our encounters with a spath: that we need to look for validation and support from people who are totally with us, and not from the people who are still drinking the spath’s kool-aid. But MOST importantly from our own experience. Stop questioning what we know to be true, because someone else hasn’t had our experience.

Putting our energies into trying to clear up everyone’s misperception is not only draining, but it is completely impossible. It is so easy for us to get overly invested in what lies are still being perpetrated against us that we can become nearly obsessed with trying to defend our good name.

I know it cannot be easy for you to have this attitude. However, it is worth it and will serve you greatly in keeping your cool, appearing sane (you sound sane!), and gathering your strength and perseverance. I found understanding this and letting go of what people thought of me helped me DETACH from the pain and loss of control–like another level of no contact.

Detaching like this reinforces our inner knowing (hey, we KNOW what happened), and builds our center of positive power. I know when I finally thought ‘who gives a dang what those people think…I KNOW what happened’- I felt like I was released from a prison of anguish, and regained a sense of personal control. I feel I began to really own my own life, not letting it be directed by outside forces (which before that time had made me prone to being attracted by these strong-appearing disordered types…I thought I NEEDED someone to tell me what to do with myself).

Oh man, and that ‘every day…he reminds you..’ It gets better and better. What I mean is the feelings of sureness, gratitude, relief, and sheer joy become more and more. The other feelings of sadness, depression, etc….they lift. Next thing you know you are living a life you WANT, that nourishes you, makes you feel satisfied and content.

Let him ‘remind’ you of just how right, decent, deserving, strong, and loved you truly are.

Use him to YOUR advantage!

Slim One

angela- just a little headsup- 25 years later i’m dealing with the fallout of my spath husband taking our 7 yr old son out and crying on his shoulder (“sorry, son, i have no one else, your mommy is dumping me after seeing lots of other men and i’m just comletely devastated, i hate to tell you all this but (poor daddy) just doesn’t have anyone but you to talk to, thank you for listening” sob sob)
yeah. my son was in the first grade at the time, and this was a spath so very very facile in his approach – he could & did have college presidents eating out of his hand in five minutes flat, even tho he represented as a tattooed biker…
this little scenario was completely unknown to me for months, far too late to guard my little boy against that whole damaging emotional outlay, particularly since “helpess” daddy had no way of even seeing his kids unless i paid for groceries while they were there…
my son is a highly functional and amazing human being now 32…but there is always still this reserve of distrust even though he consciously knows who was the betrayer back then…it’s that emotional wound that never quite goes away.
so if there is anyone in your family your children know is fair..who can verify strongly for your children, just who is in the right there…might be a wise thing to forestall…trust of parents is a huge factor in their future lives and well-being. this man is in their lives, so he’s in yours. & they are the vulnerability he will seek to exploit. sure. to get to you. spaths do not care at all how much they destroy the lives of their children as long as they can use them to impact you.

Angela,

You made the right decision in leaving, getting yourself and your children away from the spath. These people are literally unable to think like the rest of us, being an embarrassment to their family members. My kids’ dad was recently arrested (again) for passing a bad check. When the kids learned that their dad had been arrested, my youngest child was upset (being very worried about her dad), my middle child took it in stride (because we’ve been down this road before), and the oldest child was disgusted. His side of the family bailed the spath out of jail – he is unfazed by being arrested again, doesn’t seem to bother him a bit (they’re juvenile delinquents in my opinion, in adult bodies). Having distance from a spath is the way to go.

Am stuck In terrible relationship, but why don’t I have the strenghth to move on, am I stuck here, am so afraid, I’d rather take this torture than be without my kids, he says if I leave I hv left the kids and am not worthy to see them, he has done wrong why should I be punished again, am not the one who is destroying the family so why should I leave and not him. Where do I find the strength to be brave and take him head on.25 years of lies, abuse, cheating with multiple women and I only found out that it was random women Aug last year, how could I have been so blind. Have any of you ever come across someone who takes advantage of any situation to lie and cheat, even someones death, he is unbelievable, he makes excuses on a blink of an eye, amazing mind

beatrixbee,

If you separate from a spath, you’re taking care of yourself, doing right by yourself. I know about the mental agony (it feels like torture), the roller-coaster ride of ups-and-downs. Spaths make us weak because they suck the life out of us. Being involved with a spath is constant drama, never having complete peace, rest. You have the God-given right to take care of yourself. Being in a healthier environment can do wonders (allowing you to actually thrive due to the absence of so much STRESS). The spath is feeding you lies (eg. telling you that you would not be worthy to see your children is a load of b.s.), trying to keep you in his game, his world. Separation from a toxic person is critical sometimes, especially for our own well-being.

Beatrixbee – what you are describing is typical sociopathic manipulation. His intention is to weaken you and control you. Perhaps you can read more here on Lovefraud to understand what he is all about. Then, when he says those detrimental things, say to yourself, “There he goes again.” Focus on detaching from his harmful words, knowing that they aren’t true.

Beatrixbee,
I spent 23 yrs of my life with a sociopath.We have 3 daughters together.I was scared stiff I couldn’t make it on my own,with children.That is what they do to our self-esteem;to our minds!Anyway,I stayed and thought I was holding up well,but today I have fibromyalgia.My body and mind started falling apart as all that stress took it’s toll!I separated from my husband for 5 yrs.By that time there were only 2 girls still at home.I felt so at peace and found happiness during that time!Then after a freak accident and panic attacks,I went back with my husband.I could kick myself for doing that!It was worse than ever!NEVER go back to a sociopath!All the girls are grown now.I left my husband again almost 5 monthes ago and I’m healing.THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL IS TO GET AWAY FROM THE SOCIOPATH!

I know there are so many articles to read here;it can be a bit overwhelming at first,and kind of hard to know where to start.I thought this article might help you. http://www.lovefraud.com/2009/11/06/believing-the-unbelievable-sets-us-free/comment-page-10/

Thank you all so much for the advise, I just need to get this fear out of me, maybe when I talk to Donna she’ll put some sense into my head. What a eye opening website, for years I thought I was the only one going through this, I even believed that I was just a Paraniod nagging wife, how could my husband, Father of my children ever do the crazy stuff I thought I was accusing him of doing,I accused him of un-imaginary things,I really thought I was MAD, Suddenly all those things were actually happening, even worse then I thhought, suddenly I realised our 25 years together was all a lie,my world came crashing down. Years and Years of lies and cheating, how can someone keep this up, this is why am filled with fear. I pray everyday asking God ‘why’.

The “why” questions are such torture, I know. But the truth is, we will never understand our spaths. We can’t, because we can only think like rational, empathic human beings, and that’s not what they are. Their thought processes are very different from our own, and there’s no way we can relate to them. I’ve had the hardest time just letting go of the “why,” but it has been so very helpful.

The basic point to remember is that he’s an spath and that’s what they do- that is the only answer to “why?”.

I understand about the projecting- I’ve learned about the lies he was telling others about me, and all of them had to do with his own behavior grafted on to me. Crazy! But, fate has been very kind to me, and I’ve actually met and talked to some of his “friends.” They were amazed that the person they met (me) was completely different to how I was portrayed. Now, I actually have some new friends, and he’s lost them. lol!

living well is the best revenge….great post!! 🙂

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