Editor’s Note: The letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Gwenda.”
My name is Gwenda and I am 27 years old. I’d like to share my story with you in hopes of getting some advice, help, or possibly sharing my story with someone going through this that could possible help them and they can relate to.
Last year I started dating a guy who I believed to be the man of my dreams to discover I was dating a demon sociopath. When I met him he seemed like the most normal guy, told me he was in construction, going back to school to become a helicopter pilot, had lived in so many parts of the world, was so cultured, and extremely good looking and charming. He really made me feel like the most special and beautiful girl in the world. When I met him he was perfect, we had amazing conversation, great chemistry, had so much fun together, was sweet and romantic, had an amazing sexual chemistry and would always talk to me about the future he wanted with me, getting married, having children, and buying a house. I was aware he had some issues, he was adopted, his mother passed away, and that he was previously married.
Things moved fast
The relationship grew strong and quick. Within the first month and a half we moved in together, which was the biggest mistake of my life. Within the first three months I started noticing qualities in him that I had never seen in any human being I had ever come across. When he first moved in he agreed to start paying rent in which I never saw a penny of the seven months he was here before I kicked him out. Very quickly I discovered that a lot of things I fell in love with him for were a lie and he had a lot more issues than I had known about. The lies and the secret life all started coming out
History of bad behavior
He was a really troubled teen and caused his parents chaos his entire life. The reason he lived in so many places was because he was sent away to numerous boot camps all around the world for his bad behavior that his own parents couldn’t tolerate. From there he met his ex-wife where he had a sham wedding. Six years later she was still messing with his life. She started harassing me on a regular basis and when I heard her stories of my boyfriend, it was scary the things he did to her. To find out that my boyfriend has a history of abusing women, which shortly after I became the seventh victim to his physical and emotional abuse. That’s when I found out he was still married and his divorce was not final and that he was giving problems signing the papers. From there I found out he’s never had a job, his dad paid all his bills, he was extremely immature and destructive, and one of the biggest liar/con artist I had ever met.
Once the abuse started taking place, I was disgusted to see how this guy who claimed to love me so much had no remorse for what he had done. Every fight we got into, he would turn around and blame it on me and say it was my fault. Never, ”˜I’m sorry’, he would tell me I’m lucky that’s all I got. He would say every damaging thing he could to taunt my soul and manipulate me into thinking it was my fault and that I deserved it and that it happened because of something I did.
Abuse got worse
Over time the abuse got worse and worse. Almost every day he would call me names, degrade me, reject me, belittle me, and embarrass me in front of family, friends, and coworkers. Every time we got into a fight, which was every day, a good week would be one fight and that only happened when I was too damaged inside to say anything to him about anything.
He would become physical which got worse and worse each time. I am a 4’11” girl who is 90 lbs soaking wet. A grown man using full force on a girl the size of an 11 year old, can do some real serious damage. To give some examples he smashed my head threw the wall, threw me to the floor and kicked me, choked me, punched me in the jaw, pulled me by hair, gave me black eyes and so many other things.
Heartless demon
Any time I was in need emotionally or physically because I was ill, he had lost all compassion. Any time I expressed any kind of emotions (anger, crying) it was like he just didn’t get it or understand. He became a heartless demon who couldn’t be bothered with anything to do with me. He never understood right from wrong and really couldn’t care how his actions affected other people.
He eventually moved out and things become even more of a night mare until this very day. He convinced me to remain in the relationship and try and work on things not living together. What a mistake that was! It was like he had me believe we were together and was lying to me about everything. I had coworkers sending me dating profiles of his, friends sending them to me, he was disappearing a couple nights a week and not answering his phone until the morning knowing very well that it drove me crazy, found out his ex-wife was sending him half naked photos of herself, that girls were answering his phone and then I’d catch him in lies where he said he was going to help a friend and then would pocket dial me out with a bunch of girls.
Sex issues
As soon as he moved out, all intimacy stopped between us. He had lost all interest in any kind of sexual relationship but insisted that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that we were just having our issues. We never had sex for five months, he refused to touch me or be close to me in any way and kept trying to manipulate me he wasn’t with anyone else and swore I was the last person he’s been with. He told me he was a guy who didn’t need sex and would go months without wanting it or needing it. He still to this day denies and swears on his dead mother’s grave that he has never cheated on me and all those dating sites are old. I asked him a million times to remove them for good, he promised me every time I asked and never removed it. He kept trying to make me believe it was the way I’ve been acting for why we hadn’t had any intimacy in five months.
Destroyed me
After a while he just became wicked evil to me. There was no love shown to me and it was like he was only with me to hurt me and seek revenge. He continued to tell me he loved me every day and that he wanted to be with me but when it came to do anything for our relationship or me he would disappear and was nowhere to be found. He was only interested in the things that would hurt me physically & emotionally, make me cry, embarrass me, make me lose sleep, make me a mess for work and destroying me so much that I always felt sick. Every time I tried to get police involved, he would threaten me that if I got him arrested he was going to make sure I went with him.
The intense look
I noticed you mentioned in your video about how they watch you. When I first moved in he would do that to me. He would tell me that he knew I was going through something and thought I was beautiful and it intrigued him. That he could see it in my eyes that I had mystery to me. I didn’t give him my phone number; he went out of his way looking for it.
You mentioned fearless, and that’s one thing to best describe him. That’s exactly how he lives his life. Flying helicopters, riding motor cycles, anything extreme. It was disturbing to find out that at 30 years old he still free loaded off his dad, never held a job, had a history of abusing women and no care for any person in his life and would shoplift as hobby when he came from an extremely wealthy family.
Blamed for everything
For the past six months he has blamed me for everything to the point I have questioned so many times if it was me who was crazy for why I feel I’ve stuck around. I’ve gone to numerous doctors seeking emotional help, tried writing about it, meditations, anything that will bring peace back in my life.
He’s tried to make me believe I’m crazy and has manipulated me so many times into thinking that and then apologizing for his wrongdoing. Any time he did something wrong he would blame me and play victim and have a pity party. He brings up his mom’s death, horrible relationship with his dad which is not horrible at all, stress of ex-wife and drama she causes, claims he’s doing badly in school, and has all these other stressful things that he won’t and can’t tell me what they are.
Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One minute he loves me and the next minute he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This happens every day and I never know where things stand. In the morning he loves me, by afternoon he hates me, by night he can kill me and morning he’s madly in love. He’s always finding excuses to run away and claims he needs to be alone and goes through these moods where he can’t talk or see anyone.
Fit the target profile
Another thing you mentioned that intrigued me was the targets sociopaths typically go after. They tend to go for powerful, strong, successful women and that’s exactly what I am. A young beautiful girl who worked my butt off very hard for many years to land one of the top executive positions in my company.
I am a senior director of business development for an advertising company, I make very good money for my age, I have nice things, had a nice place until he got destructive and smashed everything, I live in an expensive part of town and I am completely financially independent. I’m a girl who comes from parents who have been happily married 40 years and I love being in love and taking care of the person I’m with. This has been a nightmare for me.
Isolation through embarrassment
One thing I always noticed from the day I met him was that he did have a crazy look to his eyes”¦a little bit evil to describe it along with matching smirk. I ignored it because I still did think he had beautiful blue eyes. In every picture I have ever seen of him you can really notice that there’s something intense about his eyes.
In the video you mentioned how they isolate you from support systems. He chose a very unique way to doing this. He never once said ”˜don’t talk to them’ or ”˜see them’ so he took a different approach. He made it clear he didn’t like my family or friends but what he did do was embarrass me so much to the point that I didn’t want to go out with friends or anyone. If it wasn’t name calling me in front of them, yelling at me, it was degrading our relationship and what he felt for me. He did embarrassing things at work functions and made it so that I was uncomfortable in my own skin in every aspect of my life from work, family, friends, home, and my relationship with him and myself. I’ve never been through anything more emotional in my life. I can honestly say for as much physical damage he’s done, that the emotional aspect of it hurt 100 times harder.
Need help, support, and guidance
I really hope that you can possibly give me some help, support, advice or some guidance about how to remove myself from this situation and heal myself from all the damage that has been done. I feel like I am caught in the addiction of this relationship and that it has become an obsession which is so sad to say. I’m sure you hear this situation all the time, and I would really love the opportunity to try and help someone else who could potentially be going through this and hope hearing my story can be of closure that they are not alone like I thought I was.
Sincerely,
“Gwenda”
The massive costs of sociopaths to society
Today is our 2yr wedding anniversary. I have had no conact with him in seven days. This morning he texted me “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY”
I have not responded and am reading your messages to keep myself strong! Unfortunately, I can’t block text messages.
el3,
“HAPPY 7 DAY NO CONTACT” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are going to get through the grieving stage…when you have doubt just read, read, read or you can also call the National Domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE (24/7) to talk with a free counselor.
Stay Strong, you can do it!!
also read psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com, psychopathfree.com, onemomsbattle.com, afternarcissisticabuse.com (all have facebook pages too)
Thanks Jan7,
but I blew it today, I responded to his text because it is our anniversary. I’m so sorry I did that. Now I have to re-get over the compulsion to answer his questions. I have to get over the “need to respond”!
No worries el3….Day 1 Starts tomorrow 😉
You are not the first to break the no contract rule…it’s quite common. They know exactly how to suck you into a conversation once you go no contact…
my ex would use 1) raging email to me to upset me so that I would correct his lies in the email 2) “I need an answer to this regarding our divorce right now” 3) I need to tell you something bad that just happened. 4) etc etc
They will first try a nice email, if you ignore them they become belittling jabs, if you ignore that then you get the raging email.
Best thing to do is change your phone number.
Not get upset at yourself remember they are masters at manipulating people to get what they want and he has conditioned you in the past to answer his emails.
Stay strong!
el3, you state: “I have to get over the “need to respond”!”
Yes, but the good news is you are aware of this pattern that he has created in you over the years, a need to respond to him immediately. Like a smoker, drinker you just have to be very aware of your feelings during these times. Journaling helps a tone to get all of your thoughts out of your mind. facebook page After narcissist abuse is a good support site to vent on, you can always delete your post by going to the upper right corner of your post and click on the pencil symbol then it will say “edit” or “delete”. May times I and others have posted venting post on that facebook page just to get it out…later I would usually delete the post but usually someone posted good advise.
When ever you get an email from him dont open it….ignore it, dont respond. Just come to Lovefraud and watch the videos at the top…they will help you remember exactly who he is and what games he is playing with you.
I left my husband only to have him get friends involved to suck me back into his game…his abuse got 100 times worse…he would call me all day long when he was at work or a business trip saying “where are you” in a mean and controlling voice “what are you doing” etc all to control my mind. This is what your ex is doing right now he does not want you to have any space what so ever…he does not want you to start thinking on your own.
My regret is that I did not listen to my gut when I left him and run right then and there. The friends who got involved had no clue what was really going on because he had created a smear campaign against me long before I left him…he did this to hide his 2 year affair that was going on. The friends felt good “fixing a marriage”…I stayed 7 more years only to crawl out of the marriage.
No contact rule is the only way to break that emotional bond he has over you.
He keeps texting, I’m not answering. First he said he was calling my step father to get ahold of me then His last text was since I won’t answer him he’s filing. If only that were the end.
el3,
his play book is exactly like all the rest…first sweet talk, then anger, rage then threat.
If that does not work then they try to get friends/family to feel sorry for them to suck you back in (with pity play).
I would advise your family to come to love fraud and read/watch the videos too so that they will go no contact with him as well.
Not reading his emails is the best think for you otherwise he plants seeds of doubt in your mind over and over.
Stay strong!
Hey,
Stay strong. I promise you it will be the best thing you ever did for yourself. It really is the hardest time right now but it will just get easier with time.
I have an app on my phone that blocks text messages- it is free and works like a charm! Search your App store for whatever kind of phone you have and add one on there. That way you won’t even know the texts are coming in!
LadyA
Dear Gwenda,
It has been many years since I left a relationship with a sociopath. Like you, I didn’t understand the signs and stayed longer than I should have, but for me, that meant only 2 months longer, because the entire relationship lasted only 3 months or so. It never got anywhere near as bad as yours did, and yet I was devastated beyond belief that I thought I’d FINALLY met my soul mate after being single for 48 years, and he turned out to be a monster. So I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. Just three short months qualified me to be in the “club” and understand that not everyone is good deep down. There are some truly exploitive, manipulative, people who are so empty on the inside that they need to suck the life out of others parasitically in order to maintain their identity.
If I were in your shoes and didn’t know about sociopaths, I would probably at least just glean these lessons from that relationship:
1. Do not move in with a man after a month.
2. When a man’s words and behaviors do not match up, believe the behaviors.
3. Abusive people do not change.
However, now that you know about sociopaths, you are initiated into an unfortunate small club who has seen evil up close and personal. I’m sorry you had to learn about this, and I’m sorry for how you had to learn about it. The only thing I can say is that with a little time away from him (and you must stay away completely), you will begin to heal and begin to trust again. Perhaps you will find as you start reaching out toward men again that there were some things inside you that made you vulnerable to being hurt and used like that. If you can have the courage to really face all of those things, you will have a fresh start, and you will be stronger and wiser than you were before. Many people have triumphed after an ordeal like yours. Donna’s story is a prime example. You’ll also find that you cannot help but to spread the word and try to help others avoid the same ordeal you went through.
There is a saying about how it takes true courage to be a human being, to embrace doubt as a condition of knowing and darkness as a condition of light (or something like that). I cannot recall the author. But I have found it is true. There are depths of pain that we as human beings never imagined as we fumble along in our pursuit of happiness. As long as you are not afraid to face them when they come, you will be okay, and you will acquire a type of compassion you never knew you had.
Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to.
My best,
Star
Thank you Star very much! Your rules were the first things I learned from this. As of now there’s very little guys I trust of will give the time of day too. I don’t trust anyone who comes on to strong, is very charming, asks way to many questions to get to know me very quickly or even tries to rush anything. I learned that everything good comes with time. If it’s meant to be there’s no need to rush anything because that person will be there. That if someone wants to truly be with you they will take their time to get to know you and that the worst thing you can do to ruin something good is rush things.
I’ve had a lot of time and crying nights to really think about this. One of the nights that I stayed up all night crying just analysing everything and really trying to pin point in detail what was happening. Figure out out what was going on in my head and if I was actually losing my mind.I stayed up all night and wrote it all out. I was able to figure out what was happening and that I was not the problem based on society’s right and wrong. I was able to identify everything that was bothering me and solutions on how to fix all of these problems and started trying to make time limits to get them done.I was able to identify everything I no longer wanted in my life and the type of people I did want in it.
Even though I am still getting myself out of this, I’m a lot more aware and have better logic to cope with it until I move away.
tforgeo and all,
It also helps to keep reading other people’s stories. Many times this clarifies our own situation, by giving us the distance to evaluate someone else’s experience/situation.
Like mine, for instance. I remember writing that the person I knew wanted an ‘open’ relationship, borrowed money and never paid it back, did not contribute any financial resources to our endeavors, was sexually deviant, lied about seeing other women (even though he presented himself as openly ‘polyamorous’, as a life choice), gave me a sexually transmitted disease, accused me of infidelity and not being totally ‘open’ about my interest in other men (there was none). He belittled my appearance, my friendliness, and my ability to relate well with other’s.
And all the while I pined for him, felt I ‘loved’ him, and did more than I like to say to get him to stay with me.
And though everyone here on LF could relate to my dilemma, they probably also could feel (since it was not their situation) that the best solution was to get away from HARM. From the source of the harm.
It took me quite a while to realize that he was MY source of HARM, just like the other folks here had their source. As I evaluated other folks situation, even one’s that on the surface seemed different from mine, I finally recognized myself in them, and knew I could do it too. I could leave. I could go cold turkey. I could get myself the help I needed. I could love myself enough to protect myself and my assets.
This is the power of a supportive community like LF.
Slim
Wow,your guy sounds just as horrible as mine.It’s really sad how the more horrible things they do to us the more we end up loving them. When I think of the things he’s done I cant believe I have still wanted this guy in my life.If any one of my gf’s told me their bf was doing this I would be really concerned for their well being and give them a women smarten up talk. I don’t understand why I know the logic, but lack the strength to do it.
I think it’s a serious mistake to think of being addicted to a psychopath. I understand how people can think this way, but it interferes considerably with a person’s ability to understand what the relationship was all about.
Assuming that you are addicted means that there is something wrong with you, that there is something wrong with your personality or you have addictive traits or habits or something. Following on from this is that you have to change in some way.
This is a mistake in thinking when there are psychopaths involved. It is a part of the change in thinking that the psychopaths bring about. Remember psychopaths lead their victims to believe that they are responsible for any bad things or problems in the relationship. Believing that you are addicted is an extension of this kind of thinking.
I do agree that there is dependency in a relationship with a psychopath. Huge amounts of it, in fact.
But it is all created by the psychopath. They use various tactics and techniques to make the victim totally dependent on them. Initially the victim may turn to the psychopath to know what to do and say and eventually they end up dependent on the psychopath to know who they even are.
This dependency shows up in many ways. Typically, the victim’s life becomes organized around doing and saying things so as not to upset the psychopath. The victim asks permission for doing many things and the victim often does things in order to get the approval of the manipulator.
Most victims get to the point where they are unable to consider a future without the psychopath. Their identity is so wrapped up in the psychopath that they feel devastated without the manipulator. Even though they know the psychopath is bad, evil abusive or whatever, they cannot help themselves and they stay in the relationship or they return, again and again.
This is why the No-Contact is so difficult for many people. They are so dependent on the psychopath that if they do not have contact it feels as if they will be alone forever, or even that they might die. Yep, the dependency is that strong!
The trick is to learn about mind control and how the psychopaths specifically snared you, what techniques they were using against you to create that dependency and how it developed over time. Once a person can see how they were captured, the dependency disappears and they have a chance to finally get their identity and their life back. This process is a process of education, not a process of personal change.
DavidMcD
Do you think that part of the problem these days is that we are not taught to discern a persons character but that we are focused on looking for who fills our need or who makes us feel a certain way that we define as “Love”? In short, that we go looking for who makes us “feel good” rather than first looking for WHO IS of good character?
Because that’s a part of what I think. I think if we first looked to another person’s character, we could avoid a whole lot of these socio/psycho paths tricks and traps. Not all of them, certainly there are sociopaths who pretend to be of good character and trap people by virtue of their value system. But if we KEPT our focus on other’s character, as soon as we realized their character was warped, we would not blame ourselves but move on a whole lot sooner, rather than staying and sabotaging our lives as punishment for chosing the sociopath as life partners.
ps As a person with a knowledge of biochemistry, I have a hard time with the addiction theories (it’s all theories presented as TRUTH, but the presenter does not disclose that it is THEORY.) because SOME of what I read is true, but much of what is promoted is NOT valid science. It becomes too similar to the abusive reasoning, where my sociopath used SOME truth but because one or more part of his facts are false, therefore the conclusion must also be false.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
It’s an interesting point.
And sure, many psychopaths are great actors. They play the role of the perfect partner, with great qualities and marvelous behaviors… until they have the person trapped.
The thing is that I think many people do see the character flaws as soon as the bad behavior starts. The difficulty is that the victim has already got a pseudo personality in place by the time the bad behavior starts. That’s how the psychopath knows they can start the overtly abusive stuff!
They know the person cannot get away. The dependency is already in place. They know they have enough control of the victim that the victim is going to justify the maltreatment because they believe the manipulator is basically a good person.
Sometimes the bad behavior starts after a marriage or after the birth of a child, or even when a woman is pregnant. These events typically increase the victim’s commitment to the relationship and make it more difficult for the victim to get away.
Another aspect to consider is the idea that many people believe that humans are basically good. They don’t believe or don’t want to believe that there are evil people. This is dangerous because the initial bad behavior is explained away as the partner having a bad day or being stressed, or whatever. Most people (who do not understand psychopaths) don’t consider that their partner might not have a conscience and that the bad behavior is deliberate.
And I have to say that I don’t believe that people stay in abusive relationships as punishment for choosing a sociopath as a life partner.
First of all, people don’t choose psychopaths. The psychopaths target their victims.
Second, people in such relationships are suffering terribly already, they often know it’s actually not their fault and have no reason to punish themselves.
And thirdly, people want out of these relationships but they cannot leave because of the dependency. They do not decide to stay. In fact, they make very few of their own decisions because their thinking is so warped by the psychopath.
And thanks for the info about addiction. As you will have gathered, I take issue with the ideas, too! 🙂 Some cult leaders, for example, accuse members of having addictive personalites and tell them that they need help. And who is best to help them? Well, the cult leader, of course!
@DavidMcD: a little followup
I absolutely agree that sociopaths target victims.
My observation that people punished themselves by staying in sociopathic relationships derives from areas of the USA where traditional values are practices, places where “you-made-your-bed, now-lie-in-it or, the for-better-and-for-worse thinking.
I don’t think these traditional values people are aware of sociopaths (few non-victims know to watch out for such animals) as much as aware that their spouse has lost their moral compass, so they think it’s a temporary problem. WE, the victims, know about sociopaths, it’s not temporary. I think in these situations, the sociopath hijacks the reasoning, using moral arguments in convoluted ways. And when someone shows them how they were scammed, and what was done to them, the spell is broken. That’s why I say some people were never addicted.
What is clear that that people have been trapped by sociopaths, some via chemical response manipulation, some through coercion and moral character manipulation, some through a psychological manipulation and cult conditioning. And that’s why there’s many solutions to fit the way and type of entrapment.
~pondering, and always willing to consider other perspectives. That’s how I GROW!
“And when someone shows them how they were scammed, and what was done to them, the spell is broken. That’s why I say some people were never addicted. ”
Very nicely said!
absolutely victims are mind controlled by the sociopath and to heal you need to unravel all the evil seeds of control the placed in your mind. If you read the book
Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs by Steven Hassan it explains in great detail this major aspect of the abuse.
This book was eye opening for me. If you go to freedomofmind.com then in the upper right corner click on “bite model” to read exactly what they do to change the victims mind to gain control. Very scary to think that they had an evil plan the second they met you.
The book gave me the understanding that psychopath/sociopaths are ALL cult leaders whether a cult leader of a large following or a domestic abuser who has a following of just family/friends/coworkers. If you look at a dictator such as Putin (Russia) you will see him doing the exact thing that your abuser did but just on a larger scale. It also gave me the understanding that I needed to unearth my thoughts, feelings and experiences prior to meeting my abuse…to do this look at old family photos, go to old places such as schools etc and talk with your family…focus on how you felt in each picture, place etc
I think the “addictive” aspect for the abuser is also Adrenal fatigue a physical issue with the body that can be quickly healed. If you look at the site adrenalfatigue.org see symptoms list you will see racing mind, OCD, anxiety, panic attacks are all issues of the adrenal glands becoming taxed by continual stress throwing off your hormones and creating vitamin/mineral deficiency especially in all B’s, D, magnesium all needed to have good functioning adrenal glands and a heathy functioning brain…when the adrenal gland is not functioning correct it will cause you to have tunnel vision if you will and also it will be difficult for you to make clear decisions such as to leave a abusive relationship ..
the of the worse stress being a toxic relationship at the hands of a sociopath. Once you heal your adrenal glands with vitamins/minerals, hormonal balancing, plenty of rest and relaxation the “addiction” aspect goes away within days to a month. Dr Wilson a adrenal experts states that some people who have alcohol or drug addictions suffer from adrenal fatigue which is causing the person to reach for alcohol/drugs to calm their nerves.
See:
adrenalfatigue.org symptoms list/take the questionnaire to see how your adrenal glands are functioning.
drlam.com
mialundin.com see her book (must read) & you tube videos
doctors test: cortisol level test, vitamin/mineral, hormonal inbalancing testing
find a hormonal specialist by googling “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors
Jan7
The book, “Freedom of Mind”, by Steven Hassan, is a very good book that I kept as part of my recovery library.
I also STRONGLY recommend people who think they might have the adrenal fatigue issue to not self diagnose but seek medical care. There are many similar symptoms but testing needs to be done to validate specific diagnosis. People who self medicate can exacerbate other conditions and seriously set themselves upon a dangerous path in their physical health recovery. (for ex: drinking baking soda solutions can trigger life threatening cardiac arrhythmia.)
This sociopathy stuff attacks body, mind, and spirit! The recovery programs are individual as we are! Take care of ALL of your parts, okay peoples!?!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I agree that it is important to get tested by a hormonal doctor (ie cortisol level test, hormonal imbalance testing, vitamin/mineral deficiency) also thyroid). But it does not hurt to take adrenal vitamins and change your diet to a clean healthy diet with no junk food, alcohol, caffeine, etc.
Dr Wilson & Dr Lam (see their sites listed above) both have books on adrenal fatigue and Mia Lundin has an excellent book quick to read regarding hormonal imbalance and adrenal issues really a must read book. Also google “adrenal fatigue”
NotWhatHeSaidofMe you are absolutely right “Do you think that part of the problem these days is that we are not taught to discern a persons character but that we are focused on looking for who fills our need or who makes us feel a certain way that we define as “Love”? In short, that we go looking for who makes us “feel good” rather than first looking for WHO IS of good character?”
That couldn’t be written more perfect. That was the biggest thing I learned in all this and your writing was a big wake up call so thank you.It’s been going on for so long that I’m a lot more aware of the tactics and identifying them in people.
Gwenda,
Your story is really heartbreaking to me, I find myself holding back tears as I read your story, I’m so very sorry that you went thru this. Just know that none of this was your fault, I’m reminded of what I endured the past year. My husband was never physically abusive, but he was mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive. I’ve learned so much from this site and I’m so very thankful for it. I encourage you to gather as much information as you possibly can regarding this issue. You are stronger than you think. Each day is a new beginning for you. The no contact rule will be your best defense with him, it may be difficult but stand your ground with him, he only wants to taunt you and tear you down, this is how he thrives. I wish you well and please use this site for support. It has helped me tremendously. Good Luck & Best Wishes..
Thank you Lindsey for your kind words. I’m sorry you had to go through the verbal abuse yourself. The verbal aspect can hurt a lot more than the physical part.Taunting my life and breaking me down is exactly what he’s been doing.He taunts me with my insecurities. It’s so overwhelming and has probably caused me some of the most embarrassing moments of my life from the things he’s done to me and the person he’s made me out to be. I’m excited to find a new place and start over.
Gwenda,
I cannot express how powerful that was for me to read that. I felt like I was reading my own story. I have experienced this and people who haven’t can’t quiet possibly understand how powerful it is:
“The intense look. I noticed you mentioned in your video about how they watch you. When I first moved in he would do that to me. He would tell me that he knew I was going through something and thought I was beautiful and it intrigued him.”
I remember my sociopath used to stare at me for what seemed like hours, with those “love” eyes. He always knew when “the wheels were turning” in my head and wanted to know everything I was thinking and wanted to talk everything out. At the time, it seemed like a dream to have a man who always wanted to “talk”.
I no realize he didn’t actually care about my thoughts or feelings, he just wanted to learn what I was thinking so he could better manipulate me.
I am 1 day no contact, and absolutely heartbroken… I have this looming fear I’ll never recover. And any “normal / healthy” relationship will ever measure up to our GOOD times when my sociopath tried to make everything damn near perfect for me.
—- Hurting
I feel the same Gwenda. Heartbroken…fear I’ll never recover….no relationship will ever measure up to our good times. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me. He was absolutely horrible to me yet I am DRAWN to him. Feel like I can’t live without him. Takes every fiber of my being to NOT contact him.
I’m glad eclay that my story had such an impact on you. I’m terribly sorry you had to go through what I did from knowing it’s worse than any horror movie. I’m glad you got the strength to get through day one. I have yet to do that. I have before months back but broke after 2 days. I know it’s so wrong I don’t know why I’m so weak to not be able to do it.I was always such an emotionally strong person so in control of my life ad emotions. Cutting people out of my life has always been something I’ve been really good at.I don’t understand why it’s so hard with him when I’m aware he’s toxic to my life
Addicted….SO TRUE!
I am new here and want to thank you for what you wrote. I never faced physical abuse but experienced almost all of the emotional things you stated above. Unsure yet if my ex is a sociopath … (probably denial still) but regardless if he is or isn’t, I HAVE TO STAY AWAY! I can never do anything right, never say anything right, everything is always my fault, constant bashing, blaming, downgrading, belittling, and of course I am supposedly crazy. Everything I say and every action or lack of action is judged.
I have one final bill to split. I told him last night that we are done and will delete all texts from him and not take his phone calls. This is my first day of no contact. I will be coming here frequently to learn, grow and get support.
Devestated … 🙁
Startingover:
You are so right, putting a name on it only served to help me justify my leaving but in the end it doesn’t matter if the name is narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, antisocial, or just a bad person to be with. The best thing is, we do whatever we have to to extricate ourselves from the toxic environment and heal.
I’m so happy to hear my story has helped you. That was one of the things I wanted to get out of writing it.I’m sorry you had to go through the emotional part. It an be 100 times worse than the physical.
I completely understand the ” I can never do anything right, never say anything right, everything is always my fault, constant bashing, blaming, downgrading, belittling, and of course I am supposedly crazy. Everything I say and every action or lack of action is judged.” He makes me out to be a crazy demon lady to people and then behind closed doors is saying I love you. He has made my life so embarrassing from degrading and belittling me the way he does. It’s so sickening the amount of pleasure he gets from it and lacks zero empathy. It’s so scary dealing with such a dangerous mind.
I’m glad you decided to cut him off and delete all texts. That’s a great first step I should try myself. I have yet to be able to get past day one in months.Mind you I’ve never been able to get past day 2.
His name was R. He was so predictable, yet I fell for it for two months! He bragged that he makes $3000.00 per month. He said he will do this, that, and the other thing for me. But, come to think of it his first time over for cook-out he brought flank steak. That is not grilling steak. He couldn’t take his eyes off me and he burned the steaks. Which means he put me on a pedestal THAT DAY. The next time he invited me over to his house. He picked me up and took me over. To find out he doesn’t have a place for me to sleep. He said I can sleep in his bed, with him in it! I said I will sleep on the couch. I asked for top/bottom sheets, which I never got. I complained about this in morning and he said he gave me the option (of sleeping in his bed..) Oh, I gotta point out that while he was driving if I saw a store that I wanted to stop at that he kept on driving and ignored me, but when I wanted to stop at that gas station for that really good fried chicken he stopped, but let me go in by myself to buy it. I didn’t have to share, but of course I always do. He did this same thing when driving me home. He ignored all the stores I pointed out and only when driving past that gas station he asked if I’m planning to get myself some more of that chicken. I said NO, I’m Good. (I really wanted that chicken, but I wasn’t about to buy for him. I wasn’t going to teach him to use me) I can’t say the weekend was horrible, but I did pick up on that he takes advantage if he can. And weird, I didn’t know the women who came to his door in morning was his mother. She asked me who I am. I introduced myself and I was chatty and friendly. After she left I asked R. who was that women and he told me it was his mom. He did the same thing around his dad, and some of his friends. Everyone was asking me who are you..! I decided to stop seeing him. I didn’t discuss it with him, I just kinda disappeared. He began calling and calling and emailing. I decided to give him another chance.
The second time around he tried harder. He really did help me out with some stuff around my house. Mainly burning brush, he put in a faucet, he helped me paint fascia on house. But, then he really started to cost me. He said my car gets better gas mileage. At first he put gas in my car. Then I was paying for the gas to get us around. (all of this in a total of two months!) It really wasn’t a lot of money. But, I am so low income that even a little hit, is a huge hit. I tried to talk to him and tried to reason with his conscience that I can’t afford to supply my car and gas. He said use the gas from my gas can (for lawn mower), then he said to take in my scrap metal for gas money, then he told me to get a job, then he said FINE, WE WON’T GO OUT ANYMORE. Well, at least he is an honest asshole.
Jeannie812
And a very strange man as well! He only makes $3000 a month and thought that should impress you? Geez.o.pete. Just because you are low income doesn’t mean you can’t add. Hot air is no substitute for gas money. You gave him more credit than I would. He’s not honest, he’s a USER. I predict he’ll be back.
He won’t be calling. He so arrogant that I’m sure he see’s this as my loss.
I suggest reading The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. It will help you to understand the effect his love/hate bombing has had on your psyche and help you see through it.
You’re still young, and you’re lucky to learn about this now so you know what to avoid in future. Instant report; emotional roller coaster; intense eyes;no job, check, check, check, check.
Most of all, don’t ever ever stay with a man that hits you. That should be red flag #1. Men who hit women are evil. Period.