Editor’s Note: The letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Gwenda.”
My name is Gwenda and I am 27 years old. I’d like to share my story with you in hopes of getting some advice, help, or possibly sharing my story with someone going through this that could possible help them and they can relate to.
Last year I started dating a guy who I believed to be the man of my dreams to discover I was dating a demon sociopath. When I met him he seemed like the most normal guy, told me he was in construction, going back to school to become a helicopter pilot, had lived in so many parts of the world, was so cultured, and extremely good looking and charming. He really made me feel like the most special and beautiful girl in the world. When I met him he was perfect, we had amazing conversation, great chemistry, had so much fun together, was sweet and romantic, had an amazing sexual chemistry and would always talk to me about the future he wanted with me, getting married, having children, and buying a house. I was aware he had some issues, he was adopted, his mother passed away, and that he was previously married.
Things moved fast
The relationship grew strong and quick. Within the first month and a half we moved in together, which was the biggest mistake of my life. Within the first three months I started noticing qualities in him that I had never seen in any human being I had ever come across. When he first moved in he agreed to start paying rent in which I never saw a penny of the seven months he was here before I kicked him out. Very quickly I discovered that a lot of things I fell in love with him for were a lie and he had a lot more issues than I had known about. The lies and the secret life all started coming out
History of bad behavior
He was a really troubled teen and caused his parents chaos his entire life. The reason he lived in so many places was because he was sent away to numerous boot camps all around the world for his bad behavior that his own parents couldn’t tolerate. From there he met his ex-wife where he had a sham wedding. Six years later she was still messing with his life. She started harassing me on a regular basis and when I heard her stories of my boyfriend, it was scary the things he did to her. To find out that my boyfriend has a history of abusing women, which shortly after I became the seventh victim to his physical and emotional abuse. That’s when I found out he was still married and his divorce was not final and that he was giving problems signing the papers. From there I found out he’s never had a job, his dad paid all his bills, he was extremely immature and destructive, and one of the biggest liar/con artist I had ever met.
Once the abuse started taking place, I was disgusted to see how this guy who claimed to love me so much had no remorse for what he had done. Every fight we got into, he would turn around and blame it on me and say it was my fault. Never, ”˜I’m sorry’, he would tell me I’m lucky that’s all I got. He would say every damaging thing he could to taunt my soul and manipulate me into thinking it was my fault and that I deserved it and that it happened because of something I did.
Abuse got worse
Over time the abuse got worse and worse. Almost every day he would call me names, degrade me, reject me, belittle me, and embarrass me in front of family, friends, and coworkers. Every time we got into a fight, which was every day, a good week would be one fight and that only happened when I was too damaged inside to say anything to him about anything.
He would become physical which got worse and worse each time. I am a 4’11” girl who is 90 lbs soaking wet. A grown man using full force on a girl the size of an 11 year old, can do some real serious damage. To give some examples he smashed my head threw the wall, threw me to the floor and kicked me, choked me, punched me in the jaw, pulled me by hair, gave me black eyes and so many other things.
Any time I was in need emotionally or physically because I was ill, he had lost all compassion. Any time I expressed any kind of emotions (anger, crying) it was like he just didn’t get it or understand. He became a heartless demon who couldn’t be bothered with anything to do with me. He never understood right from wrong and really couldn’t care how his actions affected other people.
He eventually moved out and things become even more of a night mare until this very day. He convinced me to remain in the relationship and try and work on things not living together. What a mistake that was! It was like he had me believe we were together and was lying to me about everything. I had coworkers sending me dating profiles of his, friends sending them to me, he was disappearing a couple nights a week and not answering his phone until the morning knowing very well that it drove me crazy, found out his ex-wife was sending him half naked photos of herself, that girls were answering his phone and then I’d catch him in lies where he said he was going to help a friend and then would pocket dial me out with a bunch of girls.
As soon as he moved out, all intimacy stopped between us. He had lost all interest in any kind of sexual relationship but insisted that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that we were just having our issues. We never had sex for five months, he refused to touch me or be close to me in any way and kept trying to manipulate me he wasn’t with anyone else and swore I was the last person he’s been with. He told me he was a guy who didn’t need sex and would go months without wanting it or needing it. He still to this day denies and swears on his dead mother’s grave that he has never cheated on me and all those dating sites are old. I asked him a million times to remove them for good, he promised me every time I asked and never removed it. He kept trying to make me believe it was the way I’ve been acting for why we hadn’t had any intimacy in five months.
After a while he just became wicked evil to me. There was no love shown to me and it was like he was only with me to hurt me and seek revenge. He continued to tell me he loved me every day and that he wanted to be with me but when it came to do anything for our relationship or me he would disappear and was nowhere to be found. He was only interested in the things that would hurt me physically & emotionally, make me cry, embarrass me, make me lose sleep, make me a mess for work and destroying me so much that I always felt sick. Every time I tried to get police involved, he would threaten me that if I got him arrested he was going to make sure I went with him.
The intense look
I noticed you mentioned in your video about how they watch you. When I first moved in he would do that to me. He would tell me that he knew I was going through something and thought I was beautiful and it intrigued him. That he could see it in my eyes that I had mystery to me. I didn’t give him my phone number; he went out of his way looking for it.
You mentioned fearless, and that’s one thing to best describe him. That’s exactly how he lives his life. Flying helicopters, riding motor cycles, anything extreme. It was disturbing to find out that at 30 years old he still free loaded off his dad, never held a job, had a history of abusing women and no care for any person in his life and would shoplift as hobby when he came from an extremely wealthy family.
Blamed for everything
For the past six months he has blamed me for everything to the point I have questioned so many times if it was me who was crazy for why I feel I’ve stuck around. I’ve gone to numerous doctors seeking emotional help, tried writing about it, meditations, anything that will bring peace back in my life.
He’s tried to make me believe I’m crazy and has manipulated me so many times into thinking that and then apologizing for his wrongdoing. Any time he did something wrong he would blame me and play victim and have a pity party. He brings up his mom’s death, horrible relationship with his dad which is not horrible at all, stress of ex-wife and drama she causes, claims he’s doing badly in school, and has all these other stressful things that he won’t and can’t tell me what they are.
Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One minute he loves me and the next minute he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This happens every day and I never know where things stand. In the morning he loves me, by afternoon he hates me, by night he can kill me and morning he’s madly in love. He’s always finding excuses to run away and claims he needs to be alone and goes through these moods where he can’t talk or see anyone.
Fit the target profile
Another thing you mentioned that intrigued me was the targets sociopaths typically go after. They tend to go for powerful, strong, successful women and that’s exactly what I am. A young beautiful girl who worked my butt off very hard for many years to land one of the top executive positions in my company.
I am a senior director of business development for an advertising company, I make very good money for my age, I have nice things, had a nice place until he got destructive and smashed everything, I live in an expensive part of town and I am completely financially independent. I’m a girl who comes from parents who have been happily married 40 years and I love being in love and taking care of the person I’m with. This has been a nightmare for me.
Isolation through embarrassment
One thing I always noticed from the day I met him was that he did have a crazy look to his eyes”¦a little bit evil to describe it along with matching smirk. I ignored it because I still did think he had beautiful blue eyes. In every picture I have ever seen of him you can really notice that there’s something intense about his eyes.
In the video you mentioned how they isolate you from support systems. He chose a very unique way to doing this. He never once said ”˜don’t talk to them’ or ”˜see them’ so he took a different approach. He made it clear he didn’t like my family or friends but what he did do was embarrass me so much to the point that I didn’t want to go out with friends or anyone. If it wasn’t name calling me in front of them, yelling at me, it was degrading our relationship and what he felt for me. He did embarrassing things at work functions and made it so that I was uncomfortable in my own skin in every aspect of my life from work, family, friends, home, and my relationship with him and myself. I’ve never been through anything more emotional in my life. I can honestly say for as much physical damage he’s done, that the emotional aspect of it hurt 100 times harder.
Need help, support, and guidance
I really hope that you can possibly give me some help, support, advice or some guidance about how to remove myself from this situation and heal myself from all the damage that has been done. I feel like I am caught in the addiction of this relationship and that it has become an obsession which is so sad to say. I’m sure you hear this situation all the time, and I would really love the opportunity to try and help someone else who could potentially be going through this and hope hearing my story can be of closure that they are not alone like I thought I was.