Editor’s Note: The letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Gwenda.”
My name is Gwenda and I am 27 years old. I’d like to share my story with you in hopes of getting some advice, help, or possibly sharing my story with someone going through this that could possible help them and they can relate to.
Last year I started dating a guy who I believed to be the man of my dreams to discover I was dating a demon sociopath. When I met him he seemed like the most normal guy, told me he was in construction, going back to school to become a helicopter pilot, had lived in so many parts of the world, was so cultured, and extremely good looking and charming. He really made me feel like the most special and beautiful girl in the world. When I met him he was perfect, we had amazing conversation, great chemistry, had so much fun together, was sweet and romantic, had an amazing sexual chemistry and would always talk to me about the future he wanted with me, getting married, having children, and buying a house. I was aware he had some issues, he was adopted, his mother passed away, and that he was previously married.
Things moved fast
The relationship grew strong and quick. Within the first month and a half we moved in together, which was the biggest mistake of my life. Within the first three months I started noticing qualities in him that I had never seen in any human being I had ever come across. When he first moved in he agreed to start paying rent in which I never saw a penny of the seven months he was here before I kicked him out. Very quickly I discovered that a lot of things I fell in love with him for were a lie and he had a lot more issues than I had known about. The lies and the secret life all started coming out
History of bad behavior
He was a really troubled teen and caused his parents chaos his entire life. The reason he lived in so many places was because he was sent away to numerous boot camps all around the world for his bad behavior that his own parents couldn’t tolerate. From there he met his ex-wife where he had a sham wedding. Six years later she was still messing with his life. She started harassing me on a regular basis and when I heard her stories of my boyfriend, it was scary the things he did to her. To find out that my boyfriend has a history of abusing women, which shortly after I became the seventh victim to his physical and emotional abuse. That’s when I found out he was still married and his divorce was not final and that he was giving problems signing the papers. From there I found out he’s never had a job, his dad paid all his bills, he was extremely immature and destructive, and one of the biggest liar/con artist I had ever met.
Once the abuse started taking place, I was disgusted to see how this guy who claimed to love me so much had no remorse for what he had done. Every fight we got into, he would turn around and blame it on me and say it was my fault. Never, ”˜I’m sorry’, he would tell me I’m lucky that’s all I got. He would say every damaging thing he could to taunt my soul and manipulate me into thinking it was my fault and that I deserved it and that it happened because of something I did.
Abuse got worse
Over time the abuse got worse and worse. Almost every day he would call me names, degrade me, reject me, belittle me, and embarrass me in front of family, friends, and coworkers. Every time we got into a fight, which was every day, a good week would be one fight and that only happened when I was too damaged inside to say anything to him about anything.
He would become physical which got worse and worse each time. I am a 4’11” girl who is 90 lbs soaking wet. A grown man using full force on a girl the size of an 11 year old, can do some real serious damage. To give some examples he smashed my head threw the wall, threw me to the floor and kicked me, choked me, punched me in the jaw, pulled me by hair, gave me black eyes and so many other things.
Heartless demon
Any time I was in need emotionally or physically because I was ill, he had lost all compassion. Any time I expressed any kind of emotions (anger, crying) it was like he just didn’t get it or understand. He became a heartless demon who couldn’t be bothered with anything to do with me. He never understood right from wrong and really couldn’t care how his actions affected other people.
He eventually moved out and things become even more of a night mare until this very day. He convinced me to remain in the relationship and try and work on things not living together. What a mistake that was! It was like he had me believe we were together and was lying to me about everything. I had coworkers sending me dating profiles of his, friends sending them to me, he was disappearing a couple nights a week and not answering his phone until the morning knowing very well that it drove me crazy, found out his ex-wife was sending him half naked photos of herself, that girls were answering his phone and then I’d catch him in lies where he said he was going to help a friend and then would pocket dial me out with a bunch of girls.
Sex issues
As soon as he moved out, all intimacy stopped between us. He had lost all interest in any kind of sexual relationship but insisted that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that we were just having our issues. We never had sex for five months, he refused to touch me or be close to me in any way and kept trying to manipulate me he wasn’t with anyone else and swore I was the last person he’s been with. He told me he was a guy who didn’t need sex and would go months without wanting it or needing it. He still to this day denies and swears on his dead mother’s grave that he has never cheated on me and all those dating sites are old. I asked him a million times to remove them for good, he promised me every time I asked and never removed it. He kept trying to make me believe it was the way I’ve been acting for why we hadn’t had any intimacy in five months.
Destroyed me
After a while he just became wicked evil to me. There was no love shown to me and it was like he was only with me to hurt me and seek revenge. He continued to tell me he loved me every day and that he wanted to be with me but when it came to do anything for our relationship or me he would disappear and was nowhere to be found. He was only interested in the things that would hurt me physically & emotionally, make me cry, embarrass me, make me lose sleep, make me a mess for work and destroying me so much that I always felt sick. Every time I tried to get police involved, he would threaten me that if I got him arrested he was going to make sure I went with him.
The intense look
I noticed you mentioned in your video about how they watch you. When I first moved in he would do that to me. He would tell me that he knew I was going through something and thought I was beautiful and it intrigued him. That he could see it in my eyes that I had mystery to me. I didn’t give him my phone number; he went out of his way looking for it.
You mentioned fearless, and that’s one thing to best describe him. That’s exactly how he lives his life. Flying helicopters, riding motor cycles, anything extreme. It was disturbing to find out that at 30 years old he still free loaded off his dad, never held a job, had a history of abusing women and no care for any person in his life and would shoplift as hobby when he came from an extremely wealthy family.
Blamed for everything
For the past six months he has blamed me for everything to the point I have questioned so many times if it was me who was crazy for why I feel I’ve stuck around. I’ve gone to numerous doctors seeking emotional help, tried writing about it, meditations, anything that will bring peace back in my life.
He’s tried to make me believe I’m crazy and has manipulated me so many times into thinking that and then apologizing for his wrongdoing. Any time he did something wrong he would blame me and play victim and have a pity party. He brings up his mom’s death, horrible relationship with his dad which is not horrible at all, stress of ex-wife and drama she causes, claims he’s doing badly in school, and has all these other stressful things that he won’t and can’t tell me what they are.
Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One minute he loves me and the next minute he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This happens every day and I never know where things stand. In the morning he loves me, by afternoon he hates me, by night he can kill me and morning he’s madly in love. He’s always finding excuses to run away and claims he needs to be alone and goes through these moods where he can’t talk or see anyone.
Fit the target profile
Another thing you mentioned that intrigued me was the targets sociopaths typically go after. They tend to go for powerful, strong, successful women and that’s exactly what I am. A young beautiful girl who worked my butt off very hard for many years to land one of the top executive positions in my company.
I am a senior director of business development for an advertising company, I make very good money for my age, I have nice things, had a nice place until he got destructive and smashed everything, I live in an expensive part of town and I am completely financially independent. I’m a girl who comes from parents who have been happily married 40 years and I love being in love and taking care of the person I’m with. This has been a nightmare for me.
Isolation through embarrassment
One thing I always noticed from the day I met him was that he did have a crazy look to his eyes”¦a little bit evil to describe it along with matching smirk. I ignored it because I still did think he had beautiful blue eyes. In every picture I have ever seen of him you can really notice that there’s something intense about his eyes.
In the video you mentioned how they isolate you from support systems. He chose a very unique way to doing this. He never once said ”˜don’t talk to them’ or ”˜see them’ so he took a different approach. He made it clear he didn’t like my family or friends but what he did do was embarrass me so much to the point that I didn’t want to go out with friends or anyone. If it wasn’t name calling me in front of them, yelling at me, it was degrading our relationship and what he felt for me. He did embarrassing things at work functions and made it so that I was uncomfortable in my own skin in every aspect of my life from work, family, friends, home, and my relationship with him and myself. I’ve never been through anything more emotional in my life. I can honestly say for as much physical damage he’s done, that the emotional aspect of it hurt 100 times harder.
Need help, support, and guidance
I really hope that you can possibly give me some help, support, advice or some guidance about how to remove myself from this situation and heal myself from all the damage that has been done. I feel like I am caught in the addiction of this relationship and that it has become an obsession which is so sad to say. I’m sure you hear this situation all the time, and I would really love the opportunity to try and help someone else who could potentially be going through this and hope hearing my story can be of closure that they are not alone like I thought I was.
Sincerely,
“Gwenda”
The massive costs of sociopaths to society
Gwenda,
First off, I am SO SORRY to hear you are going thru this AWFUL experience, you are in the Right place here at Lovefraud, these narcopaths are all textbook. Best advice I can give you is NO CONTACT, block him from your email, phone and all social sites!!!! And that also means dont look for/at any of his sites, you kind of have to go cold turkey!!! Remember he is NOT the man you originally fell for that was a mask to lure you in. You seem like a smart and intelligent young woman, everything you said most of us have been thru just the “details” are different, please know it is NOT you and you did nothing wrong. I would suggest you read the articles on here and especially “whats a sociopath” once you realize what he is and how he works you will start to understand. Your reply will probably be OMG OMG over and over again!! This to me is the best group out there, very supportive and never have I seen a negative comment or judgement towards the readers!!! Stay in contact, try not to overwhelm yourself to much with all the reading…..We totally get you and understand completely!!! You will get over this it will be hard but you will!!! Hugs!!!
Gwenda,
Frandee is right – it’s not you that’s creating your nightmarish existence, but rather it’s your sociopathic boyfriend. Sociopaths are hard-wired to be troublemakers (they are very unstable people). You are so young, having a bright future ahead of you. I urge you to dump the guy and get on with your life, going in a positive direction. It will be hard, but going no contact with this man is critical – it must be done. In time, you will be so glad (and thankful) that you threw him to the curb. In their core, I really believe that sociopaths know that they don’t make good boyfriends and/or husbands, literally not having the necessary qualities needed to behave as such. They act the part for a while until we see their true character, then, we have the option to stay or leave. Hopefully, you’ll choose to get him out of your life.
Thank you bluejay and Frandee.It’s been so difficult to remove him from my life. He lives right behind me so I literally can’t walk up my street without running into him. I started looking for apartments on the other part of city where I have no intention on telling him where it is.
One of the things that’s making this so hard for me is that I suffer from bipolar.He has used this as a weapon against me. When I first got diagnosed he was so ignorant to mental illness and didn’t understand it at all. To make him realize what I was going through: the depression,mood swings,obsessive thoughts. I tried to give him information on how to support someone through this and things you shouldn’t do at all.The only thing he took in was how to torment my brain.Abusive & Toxic relations can put someone in a low that can lasts for months. That’s exactly what happened to me. I went in isolation and couldn’t function day to day life. I’ve missed so much work because of the uncontrollable embarrassing break downs where it has forced my boss’s to start taking from pay. I obviously need money to move, however I’m not in the emotional state to be at work making money.I have always been financial stable and for the first time in my life I’m not.
I’ve never felt so lost in my own life.My life was great,I had everything together and I was so in control. It taunts me that I allowed him to effect me so much that my whole life crashed. I know its temporary and I’m going to get out of this.I will go through an incredible break through of positive things. I just need to be in the right environment to do that. I’m very used to change of environment and making unbelievable life changes every time I do.
Hi Gwenda,
You have been to hell & back with this guy….I am sorry that you are in so much emotional/mental pain right now it really does break my heart but I want you to know there is light at the end of your dark tunnel so keep moving forward, I promise you that you will have calm in your life again, I promise you will be able to let this evil guy go for good and also I promise you one day you will never want to see the guy again ever.
What you are describing sounds exactly like my ex h and all the other stories from victims of sociopaths/psychopaths. For me the biggest indicator that you are dealing with a sociopath is that fact they bring nothing but chaos and dysfunction to the victims life just like a tornado bearing down on a home, there is never any calm or peace in the relationship ever with a sociopath/psychopath…they turn your life upside down, inside out and emotionally/mentally physically exhaust you to a point you can not remember who you were or how you came to get sucked into this con artist con game…and when you call mercy they turn the volume of emotional abuse up to full scale with a smile on their face.
What helped me to end my relationship with my ex h and to deal with the addiction aspect of the healing process:
1) I escaped one day after he left on a business trip…I packed the car and drove 2000 miles away to a relatives house where I knew I would be safe, eventually I drove to my parents home another 1000 miles where I found a counselor to deal with why I was so emotional, should I stick my marriage out when I felt I needed to run everyday I was with him,
During my marriage and after I left… I had a racing mind, felt like I was having a stress break down, and also felt like I was going to have a heart attack…..The day my new my counselor told me that my ex h (then husband) was a psychopath…. I had the reason that I had been looking for to end my marriage on the spot…I had a full explanation for years for his crazy, dysfunctional, abusive, controlling behavior. Now with that said, it took me another three weeks to comprehend that someone does not have a conscience and to come out of the basic level of mind control/brain fog that my h had over me…..even though I knew this was true of my h (no conscience) it was still hard for my mind to wrap my head around the fact that I had married this guy (even though I did not want to even date him/marry him) and that I stayed for far to long.
That first day I asked the counselor after finding out the term that described my husband I asked my counselor if he was “brain washing” me because that is how I felt the whole relationship. The counselor said “YES!”….so began my research on “brain washing’ which lead me to the term “mind control” and also my search on psychopath victim healing. What I have learned is psychopaths are the cult leaders of the world…and even though my ex h (and every other domestic abusers) only had friends/family/me/coworkers to control he was a cult leader nevertheless and we were all of his cult followers and you are your bf’s cult followers too and he is your cult leader.
2) READ, READ, READ everything you can get your hands on with regards to who psychopaths/sociopaths are, how they manipulate their victims etc it will open your mind up from his mind control so do this every day especially when you are emotional.
During those first couple of months after finding out about who my ex h really was I would literally wake up in the middle of the night crying or bawling or during the day because my emotional were all over the place from anger, to sadness, to disbelief to what I had endured etc…during those times I would read everything on Lovefraud most of the time with tears streaming down my face & I would watch Donna’s videos here over and over plus other support sites…when I had doubts that I should not end my marriage after receiving one of his abusive ranting emails I again would READ, READ, & READ more on who he was…
why does that help? Because right now your bf has conditioned you to only remember the “good times” with him not the bad times…what you have to do is realize there were NO “good times” they were all bad. You have to come to terms that you bit your tongue & turned your cheek to have peace in your relationship with him to make “good times” but during all of the good times you suppressed your real emotions (anger, frustration etc) and now they are all coming up at once. This process of your mind coming to terms with what happened emotional is over whelming to say the least…but you must feel all of your emotions…you will go through a grieving process of denial, anger, sadness etc..(google grieving process to fully understand).
google: Sociopath hover, gas lighting abuse, sociopath brain washing, No contact rule narcissist, sociopath triangulation, sociopath smear campaign, cycle of abuse power wheel, grieving process.
Books to read: Donna Anderson’s Lovefraud, Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (my counselor gave me this book the first day), Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan, The sociopath next door by Dr Martha Stout (this one you can listen to the audio version for free on you tube), Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
Go to Freedomofmind.com and in the upper right corner of the site click on “bite model” to see how you were mind controlled by your bf
3) What I realized early on in counseling was it was not all in my mind that my racing mind, sleep issues, anxiety, panic attacks etc were actually caused by adrenal fatigue. Our adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones…with continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands become fatigued by working to hard to deal with the continual stress level we are under and everything listed above gets out of sorts and in return wreaks havoc on our body, mind & spirit causing a very long list of symptoms including symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, depression, mood swings, sleep issues, hair loss, weight gain or loss, panic attacks etc (I will list symptoms for you below).
The sociopath literally from day one causes stress in our lives intentionally by high pace love bombing us, not giving us any breathing room to think about the relationship and really analyze the many red flags they are giving off this is all done to cause the victims to have high levels of cortisol/adrenaline be released so that the victims can not think about the danger they are in but only the stress they are enduring at the time ….a sociopath keeps the relationship high paced, they never give their victims any down time to relax which is needed to keep the adrenal glands functioning correctly….during this time our bodies are producing large amounts of cortisol & adrenaline levels with causes anxiety, brain fog, panic attacks etc.
One of the best things I did after leaving was take my friends advise and go to a hormonal specialist who tested my cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, and hormonal imbalance (all issues with PTSD = adrenal fatigue). To find a good hormonal specialist ask a friend and/or google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name…then call them for a list of doctors. To me this is the missing link for victims of abuse to truly heal.
Google: adrenalfatigue.org take his questionnaire to see how your adrenals glands are functioning/read, drlam.com, womentowomen.com do a search on their site adrenal fatigue, mialundin.com read her book and see her you tube videos
Within days of my doctor giving me dr wilson’s adrenal formula vitamins 3 times a day and progesterone hormonal pills my anxiety levels were half and within a month normal and the brain fog had lifted.
3) Follow the “NO CONTACT RULE’ ASAP!!
The only way to ever end the addiction you have with your abuser is to follow the no contact rule today and stick with it…change your email address, your phone number..block him from ever reaching you again because he will try to suck you back into his con game with love bombing and hovering you tell your family/friends to do the same as these guys usually will try to con them to get to you. They all hover so you need to go no contract otherwise he will lovebomb you right back into to hell. It’s not easy to go no contact but by getting your adrenal glands functioning again you will find your mind is clear again from your brain fog to see who he truly is a evil sociopath.
4) Find a counselor who is extremely knowledgeable with sociopath abuse no that most counselors are not educated so you will have to interview them by phone and also when you meet them follow your gut…it you dont like the one you selected fired them and move on to a new one.
5) Call the national domestic abuse hotline 24/7 to talk with a free counselor anytime you need to talk with someone. I would also recommend that you go to your local abuse center for their women group meetings they really do help to not only know that you are not alone but also when the other women tell their stories it actually opens up your mind from your abusers mind control.
6) Donna Anderson here at Lovefraud also has a service that you can call her and learn what you have endured which will help you to open your mind up from the mind control your bf has over you.
Know that you are incredibly strong….and yes he targeted you because you have amazing qualities that he lacked and he also knew that you are a honest, compassionate, empathetic person who would take care of his every needs and demands…just know that Steve Hassan author of the book Freedom of mind states that anyone and everyone can fall victims to these evil people and that you can heal from the abuse. IF you have doubts about this just look at how many people followed Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Bernie Madoff and Hitler to name a few sociopaths.
Wishing you all the best with your healing journey. Joyce here on this site states it best “it takes a village to heal” so know that you are not alone keep posting post to ask questions, to vent for guidance.
Take care
Thank you for your post. I’ve just left my sociopath after 2 years of marriage, and almost 5 years together before that. I have been 6 days into no contact and it does get better. I too go through cycles of disbelief, and question if I sound go back when he tells me he will do “whatever it takes to make things right” and he doesn’t want to love without me. I also found keeping quite and going with his flow was the easiest way to survive. Whenever I feel the self doubt, I read another blog or definition and boater my resistance. Haven’t taken a xanax in a week!
el3, Your Welcome….you are the smart one….I wanted to leave before the first year of marriage was up…sadly I stayed for 12. The abuse gets worse when you go back because they know that you could leave again so the control volume is turned up to full blast especially the gas lighting abuse.
Congrats to 6 days of No Contact….pat yourself on the back for that one…not an easy thing to do but it will set you free for good in the long run!
Once you step away long enough you will see he is all words and no action behind the words. When you have doubt remember the saying “Actions speak louder then words”. He will never change ever. Forces your attention on the divorce process by looking at facebook Pg One moms battle (even if you dont have children), Onemomsbattle.com and Tina Swiftin’s (site creator of OMB) two books. I would also recommend you go to your large book store and look in the “divorce” section for books on finical side of the divorce.
If you have/dont have a facebook account open a fake email account then open a fake facebook page so you can talk freely…other fb pg’s that are good “after narcissistic abuse” & “psychopathfree).
You should be so proud of yourself for leaving him, going no contact and reading everything you can & not having to take a xanax!!
Take care 🙂
Thank you Jan7 so much for what you wrote, It’s really helped me so much you have no idea.I feel like you can really relate to what I’ve been through with exact experiences. Those crying nights are driving me crazy. The uncontrollable breakdowns at work have become the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced.
In my above comment I expressed how I’m suffering a bipolar low. He still to this day is tormenting me and using it as a weapon against me so I can’t get out of it. Im already going nuts because I was watching myself falling for the addiction of a socio path.Suffering a bipolar low where all you do is have obsessive thoughts is making this a thousand times harder for me to even get through day 1 of no contact. It seems impossible. I don’t understand why I would even want to answer the phone when I know what will come of it. It’s really sickening.
Adrenal fatigue symptoms from the site Adrenalfatigue.org it states:
“In order to get a true grasp on stress, you first must learn how to recognize it in yourself. The mind, body and judgment are affected by stress in many ways, and they’re all directly tied to the physiological changes of the fight-or-flight response. There are no set signs and symptoms of stress, as these vary widely from person to person. Some experience primarily physical symptoms, like lower back pain, stomach problems and outbreaks on the skin. In others, the stress pattern centers around emotional symptoms, such as crying spells or hypersensitivity. For others, the changes mostly affect their behavior or thought processes. Below are some of the more common signs and symptoms of stress, broken down by category”.
Cognitive Symptoms
Forgetfulness
Poor short-term memory
Difficulty focusing
Indecisiveness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor behavior/being unlike one’s self
Focusing on the negative
Racing or anxious thoughts
Emotional Symptoms
• Constant worrying
• Fearful anticipation
• Agitation and moodiness
• Restlessness
• Short temper
• Irritability, impatience
• Inability to relax
• Feeling tense and “on edge”
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Sense of loneliness and isolation
Behavioral Symptoms
• Decrease in sex drive/libido
• Eating less or more then usual
• Habitual craving for salty or sweet foods
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Neglecting responsibilities
• Avoiding contact with others
• Using alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to unwind
• Nervous habits (e.g. pacing or nail biting)
• “Overdoing it” (e.g. exercising, working)
• Using caffeine to stay going
• Becoming argumentative or combative
• Overreacting to unexpected problems
Physical / Physiological Symptoms
• Chronic fatigue
• Tense pain in head and/or back
• Stiffness and tension in muscles
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Nausea, dizziness
• Difficulty sleeping/insomnia
• Increased heart rate/chest pain
• Increase or decrease in blood pressure
• Loss or gain in weight
• High or low blood sugar
• Skin conditions (e.g. eczema, hives)
• Frequent or prolonged colds
Excellent summary of symptoms for both adrenal fatigue and PTSD. I am saving this. Thanks.
From Drlam.com symptoms list of adrenal fatigue:
Not everyone has all of the symptoms or conditions listed below. The number varies from person to person, but if you take a step back and look from afar, they collectively paint a picture of a body under threat. The higher the prevalence or intensity of the items listed below, the higher the chances that you may have Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired Wake up in the middle of the night for no reason Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Low Blood pressure consistently
Low libido and lack of sex drive Low thyroid function,
often despite thyroid medications Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression,
often unresolved after anti-depressant
Endometriosis Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Uterine fibroids Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Fogging thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning after night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrate
Coffee needed to get going in the morning and throughout the day Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but resists going to bed Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delay food sensitivity, especially to diary and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF Post partum
fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
chronically Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Mouth sores recurrent
Short of breath even though breathing is fine
Ovarian cyst Breast cancer associated with estrogen
dominance Grave’s disease Hashimoto’s
thyroiditis Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark Circle under eyes that does not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feel tense all over and unable to relax Postural orthostatic tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation then diarrhea Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular Menstrual Cycle that “stops and go”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H Pylori Infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic AFS –
Gwenda,
This is really not your fault, you did not set out to look for someone to treat you with so much disrespect and hostility. I too am going through something just as you described, textbook…less the physical abuse. I believe the only thing saving me is, we live in different states. I cannot imagine living close by him. It takes the littlest thing to set him off, and then I have no idea what just happened…Its like they thrive on drama of any kind, anything for negative attention… Like mine, they feel so entitled. It’s always about them.
I still struggle from day to day to stay away, because I want to see the good part of him I saw when we were first together, and I liked all the attention he showered on me, but that all changed….that man is no longer there. So, with that said, be strong and do your best to stay clear. Take it day by day”.You are way too young, and together to have someone such as that pull you down to his level.
I wish we lived we in different states! He lives behind me…It’s a nightmare! They claim they hate drama of any kind but really do thrive on it. I’ve come to realize when they flip over the littlest things its usually their manipulation tactic to use it as an excuse to be distant.When they flip over questioning their actions , it’s usually because their guilty and lying. The odd time the are honest, they’ll go out of their way to prove it. It’s the typical liar tactic…Freak out in rage when your caught. That’s one thing I’ve been really good at being able to identify when its happening to be able to figure out the truth.
It’s honestly scary dealing with such a dangerous mind.His manipulation honestly brings on migraines and makes me feel like my head is warped at time. It’s disgusting how entitled they think they are.
Trying to remember in find the good is all part of the addiction. That’s what I did at first. After 7 months of emotional torture there is nothing good to remember. There’s so few little good things to remember that compare to all the horrible things I cant seem to get over or forget.I cant get over how someone can do so much wrong and thinks it’s okay.
Gwenda,
Please listen to the advice of others and cut this man out of your life, even if he comes back, acts like the man you fell in love with, it will be short lived. A lot of what you described hits very close to home with me, I dated a man and for 8 months things were perfect, then all of a sudden things shifted. One of his main abusive points was that he was not, and never had been sexually attracted to me. This was hammered into my head for months, that his sexual dysfunction was, somehow, my fault. I finally broke things off with him.
For 2 years he tried to win me back, sometimes it was more aggressive than others, but I did finally take him back after many months of apologies and gifts, and assurances he had worked out his issues through therapy.
We got back together, he asked me to marry him and I got pregnant. I was living a dream for about a year…until the baby was born. This time around things are SO much worse than they were before, and now we ahev a child together so he knows I am bonded to him for life and has no incentive to try an woo me back, I will always have some relationship to him for the rest of my life. I left him 6 months ago, when my baby was just 2 months old due to the severe emotional abuse I had been suffereing from him and, this time around also his family. Now I am locked in a months long custody battle, where he has slandered my name, used childhood traumas to “prove” me as an unfit mother, made false accusations about my family…every now and tehn I get a glimpse of teh person I fell in love with, and then he hits me with another blow.
Please don’t make the same mistake I did. Someone who is willing to be so cruel to you will not change. I am fearful everyday about what he will do or say. As long as he is in your life you will never truly be able to heal. Take care of yourself first, trust me, I know how hard it is…I still love my ex, but I see him now for the true person he is and I know that I can never go down that path again.
LeannaK, wow what a story….huge hugs to you hon, Please check out the site Onemomsbattle.com it’s a site dedicated to dealing with a narc in court it will be a comfort to you to know you are not alone in your fight also there is a facebook pg One moms battle that is a great place to ask questions on how to deal with one in court (there are over 10,000 women in your same shoes). Also Tina Swiften of One moms battle has two books on Divorcing a narc & the other title not sure but something to the affect of in the battle field (meaning in court). Her book info is on her site/amazon.
One thing I would recommend is you get a court order mental evaluation on your ex asap…One moms battle (site creator Tina Swiften) and their posters can give you guidance on this just post a question on the site or private message Tina and she will post it anonymously for you.
If you do/dont have a facebook page I would highly recommend that you open a new fake email account and then open a new (second) facebook page under that fake name, this way you can speak freely without your ex/his family/friends seeing any of your post.
Take care.
I am so sorry you had to go through this and what’s worse is you have children with him. I know how it is to be made out to be the horrible one from all the lies while they play victim. I would say I’m currently in the situation where things have never been so bad. Your story has definitely helped.
I can’t even explain to you the amount of times he has done that to me. He plays off to everyone that I’m some crazy chic suffering some serious emotional bipolar issues and that I’ve lost my mind. That I’m trying to screw his life over because he doesn’t want to be with me. It infuriates me because I’ve never once done anything to screw over his life. I may have made threats in furious rage because he did that to me but never actually did any of it.Then to tell people I’m doing this because he doesn’t want to be with me. Excuse me, your in the next room saying I love you baby I want to be with you and have a better relationship than before.
The dual personalties really freak me out, they literally have their own identities and really show how sick and dangerous their minds work.
I am addicted to a relationship with a sociopath. Even though he’s married, he continues to contact me for sex and then turns around and discards me. This has been going on for a year and a half. I am sharing this story because I almost broke this weekend and ended up in the emergency room and then in a psychiatric hosptial for 5 days. After medication and counseling, I have realized that I am addicted to him like a drug addict is addicted to drugs. And just as drugs are lethal to us, he is lethal to me. He emotionally and verbally abused me for years, and it took a toll on my emotional and mental health. I have made several changes. NO CONTACT with him unless it has to do with our son, and if we do communicate it’s only via email. I am also going to spend several weeks with my family in another state. The further away I am from this man, the better. This was a wake up call for me. I have joined a support group, and am going to counseling so that I can break this terrible and dangerous addiction. I hope that I can stay strong and not let this man lure me back in to his web of lies and deceit again, because every time I go back it hurts a little bit more than the last time, and I couldn’t bounce back after the last time. NO contact is my only help.
If I had it to do over, I would have turned down child support in order for him to give up his parental rights. I moved 1,000 miles away with my children and it helped but did not do enough. My children are in their 40’s now and he still haunts me through them. If at all possible for the sake of yourself and your son, get as far away from him as possible and cut all ties.
It sounds like you know what you have to do. Just do it. It is not you, it is him. These creatures are not even human. They deliberately create confusion and addiction in you so they can use you. They will do it to both you and your son. NC is the only solution and NC plus geographical distance is the best.
I hope you have options to do this, unfortunately, we often do not. If not , total NC and no visitation if possible. I know the courts make it hard now but the children must come first.
I’m so sorry tfargo to hear what your going through. Your making the right decision moving away. I’m trying to do that myself. I know how it feels to feel like your addicted to this person like drugs. I feel like I need rehab from him..ideally celebrity rehab on a nice beach resort somewhere tropical. I’m at the point where it’s starting to finally kick in how toxic this man is to my life. It’s reached the worst it’s ever been where I’m so excited to find a new place, move and start my life fresh. That change of environment is so crucial to getting over it. I think it’s just as important as the no contact rule.
tforgeo,
You are right! Absolutely no contact, except as needed to manage ‘business’ about your child. No good comes from playing the game these disordered people mistake for living.
It is like a drug addiction, with full on withdrawal symptoms when we leave. Lots of anxiety, sleeplessness, cravings, delusions about the ‘substance’, etc…I am glad you recognize this, and are doing things to help you stick to your guns.
Just like the young woman who wrote this article I would suggest everywhere you think of him, put ‘meth’ in the idea. As in….
Meth makes me anxious
Meth never takes responsibility for how it makes me feel
Meth is destroying my life
Meth is making me physically and emotionally ill
Meth gives me horrible side-effects
I miss how Meth used to make me feel
If I am really good Meth will change
I know someone else Meth did this to
It’s silly, I know, but it kind of makes a point. Meth and personality disordered people don’t change. They have a certain ‘make up (genetics)’, and that means they are what they are, forever.
Thank you Slimone. I will try the replacing his name with what you suggested, it makes a lot of sense. The side effects from a hideous drug are the the side effects from he withdrawals I am facing now.