Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “ifiwereabird29.”
I met him in 2009 at my job. He asked me for my number and his wit and funny personality won me over. The first night we talked, we talked for 6 hours straight. I was completely mesmerized. At the end of conversing, he stated, “You and I will be dealing with each other for a long time.” I was elated. I had graduated from college two years prior and I was certainly ready for love. I wasn’t the girl who guys often pursued so when he pursued me, I was wide open!
I had many red flags but chose to ignore them out of pure desperation. I will admit that I was too ready to jump into a relationship. The first red flag was he claimed he didn’t have a cell phone. Who in 2009 did not have a cell phone? Old people and maybe young kids and that’s it. He said he didn’t really like phones at all. I fell for it. That was a complete lie. He would set up dates with me and wouldn’t contact me the day of the date. He often made promises he didn’t keep. This all happened early on and I should have run then.
He was very honest about a lot of things. He told me that he didn’t believe in saying “the l word.” I asked him what he meant. He stated that he didn’t like telling women that he loved them. He just felt uncomfortable with it.
Like a fool, I thought this was a challenge. I couldn’t believe that a person would never say love. I knew he would love me and fall IN love with me. Also, I was a virgin at the time. It seemed he was trying his hardest to get me to have sex but I wanted it as well. I had sex with him and just like that, I was hooked.
Worst rollercoaster ride of my life
Before I knew it we were full force on what would be the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. From lies, to deceit, to him having no conscience, it was all a lot. He never took responsibility for his actions. Somehow, everything that went wrong was always my fault. When I would come to him with issues I had with him, he would spin it on me and make me believe I was wrong. I would walk away feeling bad and apologizing to HIM when he should have been apologizing and kissing up to me.
One of the lies he told was that he was single. I asked him did he have any children and he stated that he had a 1 year old son. Both of these claims ended up being lies. His son was only a few weeks old when we met and he also had a daughter that was around 4 when we met. He was in a relationship with his son’s mom, which he lied about. I found myself involved with a man who was involved with someone else.
At one point early on, I decided to let go. I cut off all communication. I ignored all calls and all texts. I thought we were done but he began to lure me back in to his web and I willingly went.
Using me for finances
After this point, he began using me for finances. He was always in need of something or one step away from something getting cut off. He played on my pity very strongly and I always felt bad for him so I ended up giving him the money.
My car was a main source for him. Although he had a car, it seemed he always wanted to drive mine. I remember one winter, he asked me to come get him to take him to work and I did thinking he was having car issues. When I arrived, I asked him what was wrong with this car; he stated nothing. I responded, well why would you have me come out of my way to get you? He stayed silent and wouldn’t answer.
One time, his car was down and he asked me to borrow my car for a week. I was working in a residential place that I also lived. He knew I didn’t need my car daily. I told him no repeatedly. Moments later, he hopped out of the car and began hitting a brick wall over and over. His knuckles and hands were bleeding. He got back in the car as if nothing happened. He then asked me what happened to his hands and I sat stunned. It was as if he was acting like he had no clue of what he had done. Needless to say, I ended up letting him use the car for a week. I was completely scared.
Every time I would try to end the relationship, he would draw me back in. I would go weeks without talking to him and he would play on my emotions. We would be back on the rollercoaster and more issues were created. Eventually, he would start saying things that I never said. If he said something and I asked him about it, he would deny it. It was insane.
I became pregnant
I became pregnant with his child. He was upset! He refused to talk to me unless I got an abortion, which I refused to do. He would not answer my calls or texts. A few weeks later I miscarried that child.
A day after my miscarriage, I changed my number. I didn’t contact him for a month nor did he show up at my home. After a month, I began missing him again. I contacted him and he made me feel bad for everything that transpired. Trying to convince him that none of it was my fault was not working. I began to take the blame because in my heart I wanted to fix everything with him.
We began dating again. We worked on our issues and I became pregnant by him again. This time was different. Due to his living arrangements, he asked to move in my home. I was totally reluctant but of course he talked me into it. Once he moved in, he did not pay any rent or bill. He didn’t have a car so I had to drive him around or he used the car all the time to go wherever he wanted.
Still no car
By January 2014, he still didn’t have a car. He stated he would get his car fixed before the baby came, he just needed to pay off some tickets and other bills first. I agreed to this arrangement. Our daughter was born, and he still didn’t have a car. When I was in the hospital preparing to deliver, he came when he wanted and left when he wanted. He refused to be in the room when she was born. He just wasn’t too interested in the entire situation.
That summer, I was on maternity leave, I felt trapped. I just had a baby and I couldn’t go many places but because he would take the car and be gone all hours of the night and into the day and evening for work, I felt like a prisoner.
He had one job already and, I applied for him another position. He was extended an offer and began working making more money. I thought for sure he would begin helping me out and would work towards getting a car, but he did not.
Many times that summer I cried out to him begging him to fix the car situation. He never did. He continued using me for my car and my home. The only thing he would do was put gas in the car. He never helped financially with our child. He would watch her for me to get out sometimes or he would watch her to give me a break, but that was it. All of the needs were on me.
Sharing a car
I returned back to work. We continued sharing cars, which was problematic and annoying for me. I had to take the baby to daycare and also worry about getting him to work.
I asked him to have his car fixed by September or get a new car. When September came, his car was not fixed. I told him that I would no longer drive him to and from work that he was a man and needed to find another way.
For three weeks, he did not return home. I barely heard from him. He missed my birthday. When he finally called he stated that I put him out. I never put him out. I simply asked him to find his own mode of transportation.
Lost my job
I was laid off from my job. I was devastated. I had a 4 month old and all my expenses. I wasn’t sure what to do. I talked to him and he agreed to come back and pay bills. I filed for unemployment. He came back and he paid half of rent. He wouldn’t give me any money on anything else. I had to figure out the rest. He resumed driving my car. I was extremely depressed but I tried to not say anything to him because I really needed half of that rent.
Over Thanksgiving, we got into an argument. He agreed to watch our daughter so I could go out with my friends. The day he was supposed to watch her, he decided he was going out with his friends instead. This sparked a huge argument. I admit that I said some terrible words to him “F*ck you” and that was it.
Two days later, he came and packed all of his things and moved out. He stated that I was disrespectful and I downplayed him making him feel worthless. I didn’t feel this response was necessary and I begged him to stay. I was still unemployed and I needed the help. He refused.
He walked away
When I was at my lowest he walked away. After all the years I helped him and even moved him in after he had living arrangement issues with his mother, I was devastated.
He was away mostly from me and my daughter all winter. During the time he was away, he came and saw our daughter twice and he gave me $40 (He’s given me $180 towards her since she’s been born and she’s almost 1).
Ironically, every time he came, he would show up in this white car. I asked him about the car and he said it was his. It was funny to me that I begged him for over a year to get a car but he magically got a car after he left me.
Claims to be in jail
I didn’t hear from him the entire month of February. I reached out to him in March and that’s when he told me a really wild story about how he had been in jail the entire month of February. He was involved with some crazy case.
I looked on our jail records state and countywide, and of course could not find any proof. My friend’s boyfriend is in law enforcement, he couldn’t find any proof, so of course he had lied about this story as well.
He had also made Facebook updates in February so his story was a lie. He ended up saying that he missed me and our baby and that he still loved me and wanted to get things right.
A changed man
I decided to let him back in to see his daughter. He began coming around. He was very soft with me and saying being incarcerated made him a changed man. He came around and began paying for things that we needed. He would buy things for the house. He gave me some money towards our daughter. I really thought he had changed.
This was the first time in all of our years of dealing with one another that I thought he really wanted to do better. I was wrong.
The white car was gone. He was carless again. I asked him what happened to the car. He spun some story that made absolutely no sense. I believe he was driving the car of a woman that he broke it off with and she asked for the car back. He didn’t say that AT ALL but that is truly what I believe in my heart.
Back in the routine
Somehow we jumped right back into our old routine. I was helping him get back and forth to work. He saved up money for a car. He claimed he was going to check on a car with his brother but somehow the car was purchased before he got there. I believe this was a lie as well.
That same day I looked on Craigslist and found a car within his budget. He checked on the car and said he was going to see it. He called me a few minutes later and said the car was sold.
I took it upon myself to call the owner and she stated the car had not been sold. I told him to come get me so we can get the car. I was determined to get this man out of my car and into his own vehicle. That day he purchased the car but it was another few weeks before he had the car up and running.
Son with another woman
In April, I also found out some news that was striking. He has a 4 year old son by someone that we both know. He had me around this woman. I had no idea that anything was going on between the two but on Facebook, I discovered that she is claiming he is the father. The little boy looks just like him. There is no denying that he is the father.
I confronted him. Of course he denied the claims. He claims to have never even had sex with her. It’s amazing how he can just lie about something with no sense of conscience or remorse. It makes me wonder how many other children he may have out here in this world.
No “real” relationship
He is the type of man that has to have a woman around. He likes to deal with women for a few months then drop them and on to the next. He states he has never been in love and he feels he hasn’t had a “real” relationship.
He always kept women around. He is a master of not letting these women find out about each other. I went through his phone a few times, he made me feel like crap every single time, but he always had texts in there from women about sleeping with them but he would claim that he was only sleeping with me.
Most recently he told me about a woman he dated when he wasn’t in my life and he manipulated his way out of the relationship with her by lying about something to make her feel bad.
Claims I’m abusive
Very recently he told me that I was mentally abusive, unkind, not a good person, and I always downplay him. This truly hurt me! I may be sassy and I am known for my “tell it like it is” approach, but I am not a mentally abusive person.
I see now that he was projecting his actions and his personal feelings of himself on me. He did that other times too. He always said that he believes I cheated on him. He would always say that I was a liar. He would go out of his way to try to catch me in a lie but I wasn’t lying, but he would insist that I was. He would call me crazy. He would say I was insecure, which is true, and that’s the only claim that he has made that is truth.
I am guilty of lashing out on him. Over the years, the things he did to me and not owning up to them got more and more severe so I would completely lash out and say mean things to him albeit, most of them were true, but nevertheless mean.
I know you said it’s better if he isn’t around. I am trying to get child support from him. This is another thing he has lied about. I would like the support for my daughter, as caring for a child is not cheap. I am scared if he does show up to court that he will put on for the judge and I don’t want to share parenting time. So it’s a catch 22.