LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Hindsight is 20/20; his love was all a fraud (Part 3 – Escape, Freedom and Love)

Editor’s Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name “Lil’ Bit.”

This is a three-part letter. Read Part 1 — The Imbalance. Part 2 — Absolute Power. This is Part 3.

We get married and my son goes to trade school

Now, it was decided when we left for our honeymoon July of 2010 that the $600 a month X had been collecting since the previous April (and keeping) in rent from my property would become only $300 beginning that August — allowing my son to then keep $75 weekly for his needs. It was also at this time that my son, following through with his part in our plans for him, began Trade school. He graduated that following May and became gainfully employed that next June. So from August 2010 Thru June 2011 X received no less than $700 monthly from my bank account plus that $300 in rent from my property which he claimed fraudulently in court had always been deposited into the property account, when in fact it did not for most of the duration of our relationship. Those deposits he claimed at trial he always made didn’t actually begin until November of 2011 although he had been collecting the rent since April of 2010, and my bank records prove so. He lied when he claimed he only received at most a couple hundred a month from me, again meeting the definition of perjury.

Page after page of lies

Ninety pages of the 137-page transcript have at least one of X’s lies or half truths documented on it. Each of the 137 pages had testimony proven false even if only just in part by information, and / or bank records listed in my discovery or testimony that the judge did and too much that the Judge did not hear.  Again perjury being: A crime that occurs when an individual willfully makes a false statement during a judicial proceeding, after he or she has taken an oath to speak the truth.

He claimed at trial I only ever gave him, at the most, $200 monthly while he paid for everything. My bank records show I purchased my own personal items and his own testimony did state that I was paying him a couple hundred here and there in cash from the beginning, though he didn’t admit that was true only until the time my bank records reflected as of April 2010 I put in at least $1,000 monthly towards his household — a household, remember, with no mortgage, minimal utility bills and no control on my part over how any of it was spent. Half of my income plus the rent from my property went into X’s pocket to spend as he saw fit (his money was his money, my money was his money) meanwhile (because he was collecting and keeping the rent from my property) the other half of my earnings plus my son’s Social Security Disability covered my obligation to shelter my son until the kid graduated trade school as we had agreed was my obligation prior to the marriage. Any of X’s claims that he put his money into my interests, or debts, or those of my kids are just some of his many lies. What little I make is what carried me and mine, before and after the marriage, while whatever was left over of mine plus his own earnings (twice what I made btw), was pissed away as he chose, With my money he was gambling, showboating, taking care of his interests only and keeping up the pretenses he must; destroying any hope of actually having, what he pretends to, for real. So, me and mine did not cost him a damn thing. Much to his chagrin, he just didn’t get it all. Now as far as where his money went? That was all on him, blowing it in his showboat fashion, gambling and drunkenness, creating the false appearance he presents to the world.

My money, phone, mileage, schedule, friends and life were monitored by X

In spite of the amount of money being transferred from my bank account to X’s , and the amount of rent he was collecting and keeping, and all that he chose to spend however he saw fit, I was given no more than $20 weekly for lunch, if even that. I was not even allowed cash to keep gas in my own car thus allowing X to monitor my mileage. I was held accountable for every minute I was out of his sight, lunches (I began taking my hour lunch at my desk most days to avoid his crazy making accusing inquiries) and I sure as hell couldn’t stray from the path commuting to and from work. Every minute and every mile was audited by him, as well as my phone records on the phone he insisted I carry as yet another means of monitoring me and my contacts with the outside world. I couldn’t have conversations with friends if he weren’t present without answering for it, all conversations had to be in front of him and on speaker phone, soon my kids didn’t even bother calling anymore, thankfully my relationships with them have healed and we enjoy long visits now that they are no longer compelled to escape as quickly as they could, sickened by his insistence to drink to excess with him, (alcoholics really cant handle the ability in others to pass up the drink — perhaps it reminds them of their weakness for it — and non alcoholics are just not usually too comfortable being around drunks).

Anyway, thankfully no real damage was done to my relationship with my kids. He completely controlled everything except for my bachelorette slumber party at the church we attended which by the way really sent him into a tizzy. I was allowed one girl’s night out with my girlfriends just once in almost four years, only to endure two days of hell for it, ensuring I would not dare risk doing anything like that ever again. I was unable to even shop alone for groceries EVER, and the few times I joined him on his shopping sprees I had no say about purchases or in the meal planning, unless he was feeling generous or needed to hold something over my head or make himself look good to whatever audience he was hoping to impress at the time, and for sure I was not permitted to do any personal shopping EVER. Once though, I was allowed 30 minutes to go pick out a gift for one of the friends he allowed me (then later managed to turn on me, more a loss to her than for me though for sure). All purchases were made by X, at the approval of X, and though my money was going into his account as reflected in the bank records listed in the discovery, I had no say what so ever in how he chose to spend it (though I did learn that if I wanted something to make sure he had an audience and therefore I was more likely to get it) and what little was purchased supposedly for me was held over my head as gifts that I was to feel indebted to him for. In the final months of that prison I was trapped in.

The doll houses

I managed to open a Pay Pal account and began spending at the most a couple hundred a month of what little money was accessible to me (remember by then 90% of my payroll was going straight to his accounts leaving me access to a mere 10% of my gross wage of $1,800) so what little I had managed to keep in my personal account, I finally began to spend on some doll houses I made with, and for, my granddaughters. Of course the one I made for his granddaughter cost as much as the others had all together, (nothing but the best for his although mine were so much more grateful for so much less. I understand well it has to do with the hearts each has). In the end he sent me and mine just the empty baskets that once held the treasured little staples the lil girls had made with me to fill the dollhouse cupboards. The lil girls learned a life lesson on the cruelty of people four-year olds should not have had to learn. They were made from cardboard boxes that I saved from the trash. I collected the furnishings and old dolls very cheaply on eBay. The lot of them cost no more than a few hundred dollars. He stored them in a heap in the garage — causing much damage to them. But He knew I cared about them. The value to him was the pain it caused me that he kept them from me, claiming them as marital assets, he priced them at $500 a piece. Yes the narcissist really is that sick. Now, if those doll houses were indeed marital assets worth $500 a piece, they were the only ones of any value I managed to get, compared to the motorcycle he got free and clear, as well as the appliances, tools, smoker, furniture and all the other household marital assets he managed to keep deceitfully.

Cheap gifts were an act

Also, his claims that he made expensive purchases out of the kindness of his great big heart for ungrateful me and my kids, such as cheap jewelry paid too much for and only given to me in front of audiences to bolster his ego, (none that I asked for and all soon broken and turned to junk really, even the diamond in my engagement ring so flawed that no pawn shop would give more than $50 for it and the man-made stones in the band it was soldered to, (an uncanny resemblance of the marriage it was supposed to represent), a refrigerator for one kid and a set of tires for another. Those purchases were not solicited by me nor them, I had asked him to help the one kid find a used fridge and help the other to fix a flat, and I won’t waste any energy to reveal any more than that of the truth about them in this rant beyond the fact that those purchases made by him, like any gift he gives, were actually just more of his intent in true narcissistic fashion to have us all feeling indebted to wonderful him. Showboating being a character flaw he relies on to make himself feel big because he knows deep down better than anyone how truly small he really is. Now contrary to his claims, (lies rather) the money for those such purchases and the $2,000 divvied for my daughters wedding did not take out as much from his pocket or account as I was and had been putting in, also proven in the bank records in both of our discoveries. Hell, between us we made over $70,000 a year, and yet he protested dropping $2,000 to my daughter for her wedding, not allowing me to even give her a wedding gift on top of it except for a $10 platter I took to her bridal shower so I wouldn’t show up empty handed, oh and because of the $2,000 doled out for her wedding, her Christmas gift that year was an inexpensive bottle of wine, still though, her mother’s daughter for sure, she was quite grateful. Hell, I, as the mother of the bride wasn’t even allowed a new outfit for the occasion, I look back at it all, and yes ”˜I feel sick.’

X calls ME the gold digger

And yet he has called me the gold digger, hilarious as that is, when you take into account the 17 grand in cashiers checks handed to him by me expecting a promised return, the thousands that went into his account from my own each month and all the rent he collected from my property that he kept contrary to his lies on the stand and my small 401k earned before I even met him that was dwindled to half in the course of that marriage of two years, used on the taxes and insurance for his house. Only a few hundred went to Christmas gifts he otherwise would not have allowed me to purchase for mine even though the year before he had assured me would finally be more balanced with his. He wept in his whisky and blamed me because we could not afford to take a trip he wanted to take when in reality it was due to his showboating short man syndromes effect on our finances. The fact is, it is doubtful he will ever find another foolish enough to give so much for so little in return and do so blindly without question.

My son gets my house

Now, leaving the house I cherished to an 18 yr old to share with roommates, I protested constantly the way it was maintained by them but was undermined and criticized as being controlling. X joined forces with my then 18 year old man-boys on claiming his intent was to keep peace between us, when in fact (as he was doing in all the relationships that I was ignorantly trying to nurture, and true to his narcissistic form, making sure I mistakenly believed he was the only one I could trust) he actually worked very efficiently at feeding animosity between me and most everyone else but especially my youngest son. insisting it was the boy’s house to live in as he pleased. I was not allowed any say as to how the house was taken care of. Assuring the kid with too much on his plate already that the house and all that I was forced to leave behind were now his, to do with the best the kid could with no help whatsoever to maintain it , financially or with more than minimal verbal direction, (at one point the kid who had never roofed a house before had shingles dropped off and some tools but nothing more in the way of assistance to see the job through) and eventually as mentioned earlier I wasn’t even allowed to collect the rent from the roommates anymore, yet alone say how it would be applied once X collected it, and the majority of which sure didn’t go back into that house as X claimed on the stand at trial. Rent again by the way that X collected instead and kept for himself for all months except the last six months from November 2011 to July 2012 when we thankfully, finally split. That rent he kept, also proven by the bank records listed in the Discovery but lied about under oath by X, claiming he always deposited it. It should be noted though that in order to get him to finally begin those deposits of rent into my account ear marked to handle my property Nov. of 2011, to make up for what he was losing X insisted 90% of my payroll begin to be directed into his bank account. Oh my god, every time I thought I was evening the mess out , I was really just getting sucked in deeper.

X’s family lies for him

Now, thinking back to how they had already proven capable and quite willing to do so, it should not have surprised me as much as it did, that his family would lie for him. I suppose to them it isn’t lying, but loyalty. I had made the mistake of confronting them for helping him destroy our trust that first time I caught a glimpse of his many lies, that I was the one in the wrong for expecting otherwise from him or them. So yeah, they can accept at least some credit for the man he is and the life he lives. Blame cognitive dissonance I suppose and then pity them, for they too are either being duped or are trapped in the midst of their own narcissistic hells to endure.

They say apples don’t fall too far from the tree. His family carries themselves like they are above folks like me and mine and hold against us that which we own up to in ourselves. Biting my tongue the day my ex brother-in-law informed me (after seeing him pour massive amounts of whisky down the throat of his own son while canoeing down a river) how surprised he was to see how together my successful college kids actually were in spite of how he had surmised I had raised them. All I could think was really? (The man had no clue.) Feeling the sting of the ever growing slights against me, I had not yet realized X’s inclination to speak in lies and half truths about me to others in his attempt to devalue me in their eyes — true to the narcissists pattern preparing for that inevitable eventual discard.

It was no surprise our kids turned out completely differently

I kept to myself how I wasn’t surprised at all the people each of our kids showed themselves to be. As his stumbled around slurring nonsense after having passed out drunk, knowing what I had seen of the examples not only set but encouraged by each of us for the younger generations. Yes I swallowed my words too often as they looked down on mine for what he got caught for while making light of what theirs got away with, their concept of right and wrong more connected not to actual sins or simple misdeeds but whether or not you get caught.

X’s family chastised me and my kids for what they saw as a pothead mentality.They made fun of mine for what they deemed made them peculiar, one for being too moral to drink before turning 21, another for wanting nothing to do with drinking to excess and yet another for refusing to watch a pirated movie, and then our admissions to what makes us all human, behaviors of which they considered kept us beneath them; while they in turn are masters at hiding their true character from the outside (gluttons, gamblers, drunks, showboats, backstabbing backbiting gossips speaking ill of not just outsiders but even of each other when backs are turned). They played drinking games with a breathalyzer to determine whose blood alcohol was higher and heralding the alcoholic old man as Grandpa 22 — a title given him by a three year old. Grandpa 22 encouraged the next generation to try to beat him at the game. How truly sad for their children encouraged to aspire if not to win but at least join the ranks (thankfully mine wanted little to do with such things and yet for what was actually a higher standard, were criticized).The were 40-something year old grown ups hiding the fact that they even smoke, or anything reflecting any connection to my kids from the hood, and all the other antics they deny being any part of who they really are. Keeping up their facade even more exhausting for them I am sure than it had been for me as I tried to figure out their rules to what was and what was not allowed to be revealed to the world. Yes, I am thankful me and mine are not ashamed to own even the worst parts of who we are, it allows us to work on bettering ourselves every day, while they are stuck I suppose with who they really are, no matter how much they try to hide it.

I taught my children since they were young,

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
~Hindustani Proverb

Stuck with the in-laws that came with X

X’s mother use to sing my praises claiming her elation that her poor mistreated baby boy had finally found a woman just like her, just as convinced still, I am sure, as I once was, that he was indeed the victim in all his failed relationships as he asserted he was (although in the end, and quite proudly, I proved I am not much like her after all, finally taking the stand against my narcissistic husband that she never did dare take against hers). I was often pressured to call his parents Mom and Dad, but something in my gut knew better, so I respectfully refused. They claimed I was family but really, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to join forces with what I knew of them, knowing what I did of all they value, the blind loyalty leading them to the great abyss, the drunkenness, the gambling, the showboating, the hypocrisies, the conceit,  hearing how they thought they were above most everyone and how they all spoke behind each others backs sickened me and though initially I felt bad for my sister in law knowing what was said about her in her absence. When she rolled her eyes or would stomp away as I was being complimented or simply accepted, at first I had tried to redirect attention back to her. But when her catty games became too apparent to keep telling myself it was in my head as X claimed it had to be, I still thought too much of him for sure. But once I chalked it up to jealousy, I tried even harder to win her friendship with no success. Around everyone else, at least when I was present, she would act as though all was fine between us, but if left alone in a room together she wouldn’t acknowledge my existence and played childish face book games her husband had told her to cease while mine accused me of making it up and being the one stirring up trouble. Misguidedly believing his loyalty would be with his wife or that he was just blind to what was going on, I tried to tell X how I was being treated but like he did in everything he turned it back on me and swore it was all in my head. Hoping that he was right and it was just in my head I sucked it up and endured, because you see, I know I can fix me, but indeed once it all fell apart the ugly hearted x-sister in law’s true colors came out for sure but just how that played out isn’t worth the energy to speak any more of. So, in spite of their claims otherwise I always felt outside the loop and yes part of that is on me for refusing to lower myself to their level.

X chose who I could be friends with

I stayed true to who I am and as is my nature and had become my mode for survival in that world I was only beginning to feel imprisoned in, I tried to make the best of things, inviting those I believed were my friends along whenever I could, though most of those particular friends had actually been picked for me by him, still I naively believed they were indeed my friends, most of such friends he had picked for me by the way still remain an important part of my world today, having more respect for me than they actually ever did for him. Yep, I wasn’t even allowed to pick my own friends, or even keep my old ones for that matter, but today my world is filled with them, tried and true, with backbone and character and kindness and strength in their hearts and a lot more respect for me now than they had for me then when I was attached to and controlled by him. Yes, I lost a few I cared too much for, but I understand now God was actually protecting me, making sure I invested no more than I already had in the wrong people.You don’t lose friends. You just realize who your real friends are.

And so then the lies began, or just began to unravel rather, as in reality I learned after it was over that the lies were always there pretty much daily from day one and sadly I will carry the consequences of the first of his lies to trap me from the very start for the rest of my life. A constant reminder of the disgusting man that proved so unworthy of the love and trust I realized too late I had been giving too freely and for way too long. But you know, believing in and trusting that vulgar man enough to marry and invest or abandon all I ever had, should not have cost me everything simply because I had begun to catch on to all the lies he is not yet man enough to own the truth of and most likely never will be. And the fact that his family could think otherwise is just proof how truly flawed their understanding of right and wrong is. Knowing that God has little care for the treasures of this world stolen from me, I cherish the love he has blessed me with to reward me for the faith I proved is in me when I put it all in His hands, the love and life I have now, unlike anything they will ever know. I understand that as they may appear rewarded for evil here in satans realm based on the materialistic things they cherish the most, its what awaits us all on the other side that matters and yes, I find much solace knowing what the bible says of such things.

Do not exploit the poor because they are poor and do not crush the needy in court, 23 for the Lord will take up their case and will exact life for life.

If you succeed in cheating someone, don’t think that the person is a fool Realize that the person trusted you much more than you deserved.

Proverbs 22:22-23

My escape

Yes his lies had begun to unravel, lies reminiscent of those behavior patterns he had initially sworn would remain part of his past and not our present, as long as I played by his rules that is. Rules he made up and that only applied to me and of which he changed often without bothering to tell me so. Lies denying or minimizing the black outs and all the ugliness that came with them, the gambling, the spending, the porn, the strip clubs, the lies about where he went and what he did with his time before and after work and the truth to what he did with both his and my money, and the lies about the disease he willingly infected me with as just another part of his trap for me, truly the only thing in the end that he gave me that he didn’t take back. Lying about its origins being from him as he knew it was, blaming me, shaming me, tormenting me, all for his sadistic satisfaction of keeping me believing I could do no better than him, that I owed him. Yes, there were times I wished for death, my pain so deep, so great I saw no other relief, but thankfully I would not hurt those who truly loved me in that way and so I escaped and am blessed today. The pill I take each morning to suppress the disease, once a constant reminder of what he got away with doing to me now seen instead as a reminder of how blessed I was the day I made my escape.

All of it was mere lies concocted to portray the illusion of the appearance he needs to portray to the world, instead of actually doing the work it takes to live it for real. All the double standards and the real truth that the only reason he audited my every move was because he knew what he himself had done, was up to and therefore expects the same from others. Double standards, a narcissistic trait, as I have only finally come to understand now. His inability to trust similar to my inability to see any of it coming. Clearly, we do not see the world the same or have the same expectations from it and as far as what is in his heart, well, thankfully it is not in mine.

I do prefer the rewards I have been blessed with for putting it all in Gods hands as I believed I was suppose too (even if it meant trusting blindly to my own demise), than the sad lonely life he has created jumping from one vulnerable woman to the next. At least five that I know of have been through his infected bed since we split only two years ago, as he denies it being infected at all, so sad for them, though not so different than he had with me for as long as he could that is, then tormenting me over it to the point I had wished for death, believing because of it, that I could do no better than him. Yes, my time with him was indeed the lowest point in my life.

God sent me a good man to replace X

But as for my life since I escaped that hell I tried to make the best of, God sent me a good man (everything X could only pretend to be and so much more) to help me thru all that God knew I was about to face. So the ex runs women thru his life as he always has in assembly line fashion while in comparison I have been with the same man now since only shortly after I realized the many truths about that mistake of a marriage founded on his countless lies, and yep, we have been living happily ever after since (feeding much of the X sister-in-laws continued animosity).

He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. The Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.

Psalm 18:16-24

The X may ride a motorcycle today, paid for by the money my father earned working every Saturday of his life to leave me as a nest egg, but that is all he will ever have, inanimate things as incapable of love as he is. The only love he will ever know is love that he has to steal via the disguises he doesn’t have it in him to keep on for very long. I do have to wonder though, the kind of Karma they have created for their own inheritances one day or those they wish to leave for their children. And as far as whether or not it was his intent to cause me to lose it all when he told me to abandon everything I had for a life with him, well if he had ever sincerely cared even the slightest bit for me, he would not have been so diligent in making sure I walked away with so little of what I once had while he himself managed to carry on, not just unscathed but so much better off and at my expense. If he weren’t the narcissist his lies proved him to be, he would not have needed to resort to perjury to get away with everything.

He lost a diamond — I lost a diseased blood sucking tick

He lost a diamond, I lost a lowly cockroach or perhaps more something like a diseased blood sucking tick, but in return I gained a heart of gold, while his will forever be no more than a heart of stone, empty and cold and alone, in his endeavor for self preservation. The true measure of a persons character being the fruits left behind in the lives of those they touch, there sure remains quite a bit of good things in theirs that only arrived when I did and do still remain there, leaving me with nothing that I once had, true… Nothing that is except a beautiful future ahead with him and them behind me and sadly only his leprous legacy he denies to remind me just how blessed I am to have escaped the prison he built intending to hold me but instead is now no more than a prison of his own making for his miserable self. As much as he tries to deny it or conceal the truth to the lies told to those who still need to believe him to be able to look at themselves, simply, it is what it is, their own Narcissistic hell to endure. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.

The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.For what is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

My life is filled with love now

As for me, my life is filled with love and I am Free! What little I escaped his prison with has since grown to be so much more and I am blessed finally to know the love I once blindly albeit mistakenly sacrificed all I had for, only this time around it isn’t costing me anything, yet alone everything.