Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
I think I understand, Elizabeth. Thank you. That really helps.
Sorry I’ve been off for a bit, I’ve been very busy, recovering from the economic damage. And, helping a dear friend come to terms with the ASPD nature of her ex, who has held her up in a custody battle for years. Thought this blog would help her, you may hear from her later.
I cannot describe the value of what I am learning here! It is has helped me professionally and socially. Working now on not imagining the syndrome when it isn’t there, because I now see these people everywhere.
My baby is only 13 months old and I’m already dealing with my ex-husband who was diagnosed with ASPD trying to use him as a pawn. He told me he didn’t want to have anything to do with our baby when he met him for one week a few months ago. While I was pregnant, he tried to kill me because he claimed he wanted to kill our baby. However, now he is trying to claim to a judge that he wants to be a father.
My Order of Protection was recently dismissed because my ex spent so much money in attorney fees to fight it. I couldn’t afford an attorney and had to represent myself. I had no idea what was going on the whole time I was in court. A simple Order of Protection hearing was drug on for 2 and 1/2 hours over 2 different court dates. This is very unusual for DV Order of Protection cases. Even though I had evidence of abuse from police reports, hospital statements and domestic violence agencies, the order was still dismissed. The judge claimed it is because my ex was physically violent and tried to kill me while I was pregnant, over a year ago (outside of the statute of limitations). The Order of Protection I had received a few months ago was for my son because he threatened to kidnap him if I left him in January of this year. While I admit and told the court that the physical and sexual violence occurred in 2007, I still believe that the judge should have taken that into consideration because it was while I was pregnant with my baby he tried to attack, in utero. This time, I just didn’t want to stay around and wait until he physically harmed me and I especially didn’t want to wait until he hurt my baby. Once I could tell he hadn’t changed, I left. After I left my ex-husband the first time, he purchased three guns, one of which is a semi-automatic and one that is a handgun. Now that the Order of Protection has been dismissed, all of his guns have been returned to him and he has been told of my address that was confidential. Before I went back to him for that week, I had been in hiding on the other side of the country from him. Now he knows where I am and has his guns back and the court does not seem to care. I’m only trying to protect an innocent 13 month-old baby and I don’t know why I can’t get help in protecting him. Domestic Violence agencies I’m involved with for him seem to care, but they can only really do so much.
My baby was also on my Order of Protection. When the Order of Protection was dismissed, my ex posted a photo of him throwing our baby’s bouncy chair off of a 1000 foot cliff (I know because we’ve both rockclimbed this unigue rock formation in the desert together) as his main facebook page. He knows that I look at his facebook page because I admitted to him that I saw his picture and it looked just like our baby before I returned to him for 1 week a few months ago. I feel that this is emotional manipulation and it scares me. He does not have legal custody of my baby. Right now, I’m the only one with my name on my son’s birth certificate. That means, I could take off with my baby and not be charged with kidnapping. He was only with my son for 6 days of his life. I hope to keep it that way.
I have the opportunity to move to a friend’s place in a foreign country. While this may seem drastic to some, I can’t help but follow my instinct to do whatever is necessary to keep my baby away from this man. He has a good career with lots of money and power. I don’t know how long it will last because it is just starting out, but that status (and a PhD) makes him look a lot better than my in court. I’m a great mom and have a degree myself, but only a bachelor’s. I have never used drugs, nor do I drink, so there’s nothing he can really try to use against me in court. I’m responsible and loving to my son. However, I lost my home, all of my possessions and everything right when I was starting grad school and married him. I left him the first time after the last attack when I was pregnant. I stayed away for a year and 1/2. Needless to say, it’s been a difficult couple of years because I was so scared of my ex finding me and he tricked so many family members into telling him where I was the first time I fled from him that I was scared to be in contact with friends or family. I’ve been doing this all on my own, with a therapist and DV agencies for emotional support. Now I’m a single mother, dealing with PTSD and I’ve had to live in a Domestic Violence shelter to escape him because I was on the other side of the country from my home.
In summary, he looks a lot better than me on paper. I felt that judgment from the judge for my Order of Protection case. I feel that if I fight him for custody, he might get joint custody or at least visitation. Before this horrible experience with the legal system, I never would have thought he could win a case against me, however, now I’m not quite so sure. Everyone believes his lies and how sorry he claims to be. It seems I’m the only one who knows the truth. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to death or letting him or letting the courts let him into my son’s life in any way, shape or form. That’s what my maternal instincts are telling me. Do any of you have any thoughts?
jillsmith: This is so sad to read, he tried to kill you while you were pregnant and now wants to be a father??!! Of course you are scared of letting him into your son’s life, even with everything going on I can hear in your words the love you have for your son. I have not been in a custody “battle” situation, I know there are people on this site that can possibly give you some advice on this. You are in my prayers.
Thank you, shabbychic.
JillSmith: I am worried for YOU AND YOUR SON! I can very much relate to your story. I used to climb, know people in that community, and know a certain sort of personality that seems more prevalent in that group.
I believe you are very right to be concerned on every level. I understand that you may have some extreme but positive options. You may want to explore those, rather than wait for things to happen.
Dear Jillsmith,
I am with Rune on this one, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, RUN IF YOU CAN! HIDE AND STAY HIDDEN even if it means that you have to NO CONTACT all your family. THIS MAN APPEARS DANGEROUS TO ME.
I have a life time of experience with dangerous men and this is one that I think is dangerous from what you say.
Dr. Amy Castillo a pediatrician had the court order UNSUPERVISED VISITATION with her kids even though her x had threatened to kill them to “get back at” her. HE KILLED THEM ON THE FIRST UNSUPERVISED VISIT.
TAKE YOUR GUT SERIOUSLY. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SON.
Being a single parent is difficult at best, but you have a bad situation for sure.
I had to leave my home and run from my own SON who is a psychopath and wanted me dead so he could inherit from me. He was IN PRISON at the time he sent someone to kill me, so no matter where they are they can be dangerous if they are DETERMINED ENOUGH. Yours sounds really determined. He might be “bluffing” just to hassle you, but my guess is that HE IS NOT BLUFFING. They are so arrogant it is unreal and think they can get away with anything. Look at Scot Peterson and his preg wife Laci!
Stay here on this site and keep in contact with the members here and there are also professionals here as well. LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS they will NOT FAIL YOU, but you must LISTEN TO THEM.
I am so sorry about the PTSD you have suffered and are still suffering, but I can tell you for sure that with some therapy and time an dSAFETY you will get better! I’m two years (almost) out from my son’s attempt on my life, but still recovering and am much much MUCH improved.
My prayers are for you and your son and my best wishes to a good woman! hang on and keep on reading. Go back and read the old archived articles they are a wealth of good information. ((((hugs)))) and prayers.
JillSmith: If you’re checking in, I’m very concerned for you, and I can share my own story.
JillSmith: So he did a CLIMB to create a photo? Someone needs to pay attention to this. Please check back in. I have a personal story for you.
JillSmith: I want to encourage you to take action now. I hope you are checking in.