Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
blueskies,
Interesting but I was thinking about this today…
How some good has come from this dark road we started on…
How it can make one stronger in the end.
How it can make one wiser in the end
How it can make one see weakness in us in the end
How it can make one know love and true love in the end
How it can make one believe in self and it’s own worth in the end
Because they wanted nothing less then to feed off of us and by doing so destroy us I believe there is no need to thank them for our painful lessons and in short own them nothing. But instead of destroying us they only made us stronger wiser and more compassionate then before. They are indeed the true losers in this life lesson. We will go on to be stronger and wiser with more love then before. They will go on to remain as they were before and after we knew them. So much for us will change but so little or nothing about them will never change…
PS: Love the screen name!
Thanks James:)
Its very true. Its hard to see it and believe it, but yes they will continue to stay exactly the same in their dark and screwed up existance, but we have a brand new wonderful road ahead of us.
Everyone – I have another song to share(groan!) and I dedicate it to all the LF-ers:) Its called Shine by Tracy Bonham and its really beautiful. Okay, i’ll shut up and get on with what I am supposed to be doing now:)xx
Jill,
He’s not on the birth certificate. Leaving and finding work in a distant part of the country sounds like a good idea. It also might be a good idea to join the military or apply for a government job overseas.
I understand you have a degree. What are your employment credentials?
I mention service in the military because your ex nut would have a very hard time getting to your child at a base childcare center. You could apply for every billet overseas and in Alaska that comes up. You would have an income, health insurance and a roof over your head. There are perils to this, such as deployments. It’s not a perfect solution. You’d need a supportive family to help.
It also might be helpful to relocate to a state such as North Dakota, Montana or Wyoming, just to name a few. Relatively small towns in these states are practically a world unto themselves. Your ex nut would have a hard time preying on a “local gal” and her son in such an environment.
No matter what, apply for passports ASAP. They take a while. If you can disappear overseas, and convince him you and the child are inaccessible, he might get bored with you two.
You can always hope that your ex-nut will find a new target. If you go to ground for a while, he might get interested in someone new. You implied he’s a College Professor. That means he’s surrounded by easy pickings. Some other girl’s He# may be your salvation.
Dear Jill,
Good morning! I hope you’re feeling better today and that peace is returning as you go over your options.
Yep, trusting ourselves and our judgments is totally smashed by these people, and in the chaos and stress-filled enviroment we are hypervigilent and that makes it difficult for us to make good decisions.
I used to be able to “juggle” four or five balls at once, and now I am at the point that even on a good day, I have trouble sometimes keeping ONE “ball” off the floor, using both hands. It does a number on us and our abilitiy to make decisions and to think. That is one of the things that the Ps do with the things like the photo of the baby seat going off the cliff, it increases our fear and stress and keeps us in the CONFUSION so that we DO ahve difficulty focusing on what is REALLY important. It diverts our energies into the by-ways so that we can’t function effectively and they count on that.
YOUR INSTINCT of FEAR is GOOD and it is REAL and it is STILL SMART. TRUST IT. ACT ON IT.
Where it is difficult I think is making decision on HOW BEST to ACT on it.
When my INSTINCT OF FEAR OF MY LIFE kicked in, my first reaction was to STAND AND FIGHT. Then finally after exploring my options of standing and fighting I realized there was NO WAY I could defend myself against the STELTH attack at night or when I was asleep.
Then I realized I would have to RUN and HIDE. Of course there are various options about how and when and where to run and hide. I consulted a private investigator and ended up taking his advice. I was in a particularly poor situation too, as sinice my home and most of my assets were in a trust that I could not sell, or rent, I had to find a new place to live, maybe for years. I also NEEDED to be where I could come back here to my home and “check on things” periodically and so I had to stay local, but block a paper trail of public records.
One way to “hide in plain sight” is a RECREATIONAL VEHICLE. I bought a fairly large 5th wheel trailer (32 ft loong) that would accomodate me and my son in relative comfort and space, and placed it on land about 35 miles away from my home on some friend’s land (I could have rented a spot) near a lake where there were 100s of RVs coming and going all the time and another one would NOT attract attention.
An RV is like a second homoe, only moveable. Some people live full time in their RVs and travel.
You can get a US postal service postal box and have that as your “legal address” and also for $10 a week, the USPS will send your mail to any other address you specify, so you can leave the area of your box and still get your mail.
I got an air card for internet access and a lap top computer so I could get internet any where I could get phone service. I got a cell phone.
My vehicles were insured and licensed at my “home’s” address and I “legally” lived there but I was NOT THERE. There was NO PAPER TRAIL TO WHERE I WAS actually staying. I tried (and actually succeed) in convinicing the neighbors and even my egg donor, that I was still “living” in my house. No one knew about the RV except 3-4 VERY trusted friends and my son D. The psychopath knew I was gone but he had NO idea where or when, as I didn’t take my dogs (which are outside in pens) until the LAST trip to the RV with all my important papers and other things I needed to live. I left the power hooked up etc. I found out later that he was totally confused about where I was because he knew the dogs were gone and my usual vehicle gone (I have several vehicles since I live on a farm) but no one else knew I was “gone.”
There are smaller RVs, both trailers and motor homes, for sale that right now are BARGAIN PRICED since the recession and so many people are giving up their “toys” so now is a great time to buy one. They have all the convenience of “home” with AC, stoves, bathrooms, etc. There is a bit of a learning curve in learning how to set one up, and live in a smaller scale, but I actually got to LIKE living like that as there is almost NO upkeep or house work. Expenses for housing are minimized so you have more money for other things, and you can live quietly to yourself even in a park where people come and go. You have a legal address for your drivers license in your state that you get before you leave (or if you don[‘t go to another state you dont’ have to change that) you have a way to insure your vehicles and so on without leaving a PAPER TRAIL to where you actually ARE.
When a PI investigates you, they are able to find every address you ever lived at or had utilities hooked up or phone service to that address, AND your SS# and so on, but if you have an ADDRESS but live else where in your RV there IS NO PAPER TRAIL, it ENDS at the address for your DL. Since you don’t have to have utilities hooked up in your NAME for an RV (you can get utilities by plugging in at either a park or a friend’s house if you park there) so there is no UTILITY to track you through.
Even a PI can’t track you through your credit history LEGALLY, but you might want to be careful with use of credit cards and bank accounts (that CAN BE HANDLED)
Keep in mind you are NOT hiding from the LAW but from an individual who might hire a private investigator to track you. So I suggest a consultation from a PI on HOW to hide (won’t cost much).
Your son doesn’t need to be registered in a school, so at this time you are free of the need for THAT paper trail. If you go to work, it is POSSIBLE to track you through your work and SS# and/or a professional license. Since I was retired this was not a problem for me.
Any public assistance that you receive is another way to be tracked and it is possible to ILLEGALLY track you through this in this country.
Staying hidden for a couple of years though, might give him time to find another obscession and another victim. I hate say another victim’s problems may be your salvation, but it is true.
There are upsides and down sides to hiding in the US and also in foreign countries. There is also a viable “underground economy” in the US where you work for cash on low end jobs or even some semi-professional or higher end jobs that you can take cash only….from cleaning homes for others, to editing copy via internet, or buying things and reselling on E bay or at flea markets. In fact, I know quite a few people who make a pretty good “underground economy” living from various enterprises.
If you are interested in some coaching on some of this from me privately, give your contact tinformation to donna and have her forward it on to me. Donna knows me and knows I am on the up and up and not just some dangerous kook on the internet! LOL
God bless you! (((hugs))))
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. This is very helpful. My Domestic Violence Advocates, Therapist and Attorney all have ideas, but it seems all of them are very trained to say, “I can’t tell you what to do.” They also admittedly have had little experience with Sociopaths. I’ll bet they have come in contact with more of them than they think they have, but they have not had specific training to understand Sociopaths. I still know so little about Sociopaths myself. I just started looking stuff up online when I first read in my ex-husband’s psych file that he was diagnosed with ASPD. I left it alone until recently because it was too overwhelming for me. I have a lot to learn. This all is so over my head. I was a very innocent and naive girl before all of this. I know that no one can tell me what to do, nor should I want them to, but I just have no idea what to do. Your thoughts are helping this process for me.
I like things to be very calm, stable and even somewhat boring in my life, so my current situation is uncomfortable at best. It also seems like the people I’m working with have no idea about Sociopaths and they even admit that.
Rune, I am very interested in hearing your story. I have to remind myself that this is the crux of a gunky climb. 🙂
Elizabeth, you have some very good ideas. I’ve never seen myself as a military sort of person, but I had not thought about the military daycare and how much more protected my baby would be. That would also get me overseas more easily and with income.
Blueskies, I’m sorry you’re also dealing with the aftermath of all of this. Your insight into the second guessing yourself problem helps me feel validated.
OxDrover, I would like some tips about my situation and living overseas. My currect DV advocate is friends with a PI person. Maybe I’ll ask her about rates and get a consultation. I will contact Sharon about getting your email information so that I can find out some more information from you. I appreciate it.
JillSmith: If you’ve climbed in the Tetons you know about “dynamic” rock. Yes, this is a gunky climb. Are you still online?
JillSmith: I’m hoping you’ll check in. You said, “Do any of you have difficult trusting your judgment after choosing to be with a Sociopath in the first place? I just can’t believe that I didn’t see any warning signs, so it makes me think that I have poor judgment.”
Dr. Robert Hare, noted authority and author of the PCL-R — the tool used to diagnose psychopaths — has said that ANYONE can be fooled by a psychopath. In his book, “Without Conscience,” he tells a story of being conned.
Dr. Hare’s story was one of the things that helped me to forgive myself for not recognizing the danger in the person who conned me.
Regarding the dangers of being around people in the climbing community — one trait of psychopathic people is that of being risk-takers. Consider also the communities of surfers, extreme skiers, mountain bikers, motorcycle riders, bull riders, . . . you get the idea. These groups would be likely to have a higher than normal population of psychopathic people. Adventurous women, therefore, are likely to find themselves at high risk in these communities of risk-takers.
I’m sorry I missed you when you were online earlier. I hope to catch up with you directly. I am concerned for you.
This is the same post I posted in the ‘Legal’ section:
I could still use any advice any of you have to give. I’ll be making my decision as to what to do in the next couple of days.
I’m out-weighing whether to stay in the States or outside of the States. I will list the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving.
Before you read further, know that I’m incredibly insecure about my current financial situation. Any other time in my life, I’ve had a very stable career. My P caught me at a very vulnerable time. My mom had just died so I had just decided to put all of my savings into grad school and into moving across the country for grad school and had quit a very financial stable job. The last conversation I’d had with my mom before she dies was about how I should be living and working my “passions”. I relocated for my ex after this and lost all that I still owned through him. When I left him, I was pregnant and had suffered extreme physical problems from my abuse. Then, I couldn’t exactly work full-time after having my baby. Okay, now that my insecure disclaimer is over, you may proceed.
All of that being said, I am receiving financial help through the DV agency I’m currently working with. I only have to pay 30% of my income for rent. I am next on the waiting list for Section 8, which would enable to go through grad school without too much debt (I’m anti-debt). I am in the address confidentiality program in the state I’m living in. That means that all government agencies have to accept my goverment PO Box as my Residential address. Also consider the fact that my ex worked with Homeland Security and claims that is how he has found me before, accessing my hospital records. I also know he paid a PI thousands to find me. Through my current apartment, my DV agency required that I have a landline phone, which I did through Verizon. I’m now finding out that it is easy for someone to find me through Verizon.
In another country, I can remain hidden. My friend I would be living with lives in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere. I do work online, but it only amounts to about $1200 a month. I would only have to pay $350 a month rent in the other country though. My plans would be to stay in that country illegally and permanently. It seems scarey, but maybe I could get more work online or under the table.
One decision seems responsible and stable, as I would be able to stay insured and keep working towards grad school, with Pell Grants, Scholarships, Section 8 and help from DV agencies until I complete my program (which is highly marketable). I never received help from the government before this and was very self-sufficient, but my DV agencies were able to get me connected to help. It’s much harder to make it as a single mom than I could have ever imagined.
Anyway, all of that being said, what do you think is the wisest decision? Is it smartest to leave the country so that my ex can never find me? Is the stress and financial burden of that worth it? But then again, isn’t my life and my baby’s life worth any cost? Any ideas?
Thursday, 28 May 2009 @....... 12:32am
Rune,
I need to read that book. I would still very much like to hear your story. Thanks for all of your insight.