How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / For children of sociopaths / LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: How can I help my children not suffer?

//  by //  136 Comments

Tweet
Share
Pin
Share
0 Shares


Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.

I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.

Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.

How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).

Thanks for any advice I can get.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Rune

    Jill: I’ve posted elsewhere. I encourage you to get in touch with Donna. I know that Ox-Drover invited you to do that, and I believe that is a good idea.

    I am very concerned for you — because of what I know generally and specifically about the sort of person you are dealing with.

    You don’t have to just sit and wait. You have ways to jump out of this situation. As we say, “On belay.” As best I can, I’ve gotcha, girl. I’m giving tension on the rope if you need it.

  2. jillsmith

    Hello Rune and OxDrover,

    I sent an email to Donna giving her permission to give my email address to both of you. Thanks. I look forward to hearing from you both.

  4. jillsmith

    Just to update, I decided to leave the country. The PI connection I had was able to find out my current address. My ex sent me a video (I don’t even know how he knew about the site he sent it to) with very graphic violence with guns, including women’s sexual organs being blown off with guns. I’m not going to sit around and wait to see if he’s serious or just messing with me.

    I’m going to get rid of my computer and everything electronic before I leave, just to be on the safe side.

    Thanks for all of your advice and support.

  5. Ginger

    Hi Everyone,

    I am so thankful for the website. I have been absent for quite a while, but I have been growing in leaps and bounds.

    I have a situation that brings me back because I have been served custody papers for my 2 kids. I have put my house up for sale and want to move about 30 miles away–I currently live 15 miles from S. He wants the kids’ primary residence to be with him because he doesn’t want the kids to move. I think this is a way to control me and a way to get me to pay him child support. I have an attorney and we have a first meeting with a family court referee. He has remarried and they are having a baby sometime this year. I have been told that his character cannot be brought up as it has nothing to do with the love and affection that he shows his kids–this is very frustrating. Where does that leave me? With the mercy of the court. I don’t feel too confident with that…I need to keep my family in tact.

    Also, he owes me money that I will be getting a judgement for–does anyone have a reliable and effective way to collect on a judgement?

    Any advice…….? I need it…

    -Ginger

  6. Matt

    Ginger:

    Regarding collecting the judgment — in moste jurisdictions you can get a court order to (a) levy against his personal or real property or (b) garnish his wages. In the case of (a) this includes bank account and brokerage accounts, etc. It depends on the jurisdiction how you proceed. Generally, once you have the judgment in your favor, you can file a write of attachment in the case of (a) or a write of wage garnishment on his employer in the case of (b). Your lawyer can tell you how to proeed. Also, if the money he owes you is for child support, under Federal and State law you can generally get an order attaching tax refunds and also get orders refusing them renewal of licenses such as driver’s licenses, trade licenses etc.

  7. Ginger

    Matt,

    Thanks for the info. He is working under the table and doesn’t have bank accounts in his name. Right now he is 3 months behind in CS payments and when it goes to 4 he has another 45 days before his license is suspended. She said the expensive part will be collecting this judgement. He knows how to circumvent the system–don’t they all?

    -Ginger

  8. Matt

    Ginger:

    If your objective is to ultimately go for termination of parental rights — start documenting. Every time a payment is late — boom a certified letter stating that he is late and exactly what steps you are going to take. Ditto visitation – no variances, nothing. Even if that isn’t your objective — document everything. When you end up back in court — and you will — every bit of documentary evidence — as opposed to oral converstations which are worthless as evidence — will go toward blowing him out of the water.

Leave a Reply